Connie SS

Now that he burned down the garage & a week before I had to put my best friend dog to sleep & I lost my Harley in the fire, mine had full coverage his of course didn't, I am back to devistated. I go back & forth. I have been major depressed. I push & push at myself about I "know" I should make him leave & can't. I always think that he's my problem & if I get rid of him my problem will go, but he is my 3rd alcoholic husband & I'm an alcoholic [sober 28 years]. He had 11 years sober once & has been unable to stay sober ever since. He's been on & off sober. If he were my problem that would be nice then all I would have to do is get rid of him & life would be wonderful. Back to reality. I am my problem. I need the excitement so I can't feel my real pain & terror from my own stuff. I have done extensive work in AA & therapy, but I stopped several years ago for some reason. I really thought I was doing okay & the shrink told me I was doing great & had been & all I needed was a best friend. Well, in my intelligence I have been using "him" as my best friend. He's strung out on Vicodin or drinking & I am asking & relying on his advice. The worst part is I have all these years sober & you would think I could see. I see that if I leave him I look for the excitement of someone else to cover my pain. I have become willing to feel whatever pain I have to again. I've been here before to walk through this & get well myself. I have been isolating. I never used to do that because I couldn't be alone with my own head, but for several years now I have been okay with me. When I'm with myself alone I am in bad company. I want to believe him so bad & the white picket fence that I distort everything. I think it may be called denial. Ya think? This focusing on me is amazingly hard. You would think that for an alcoholic like me it would be easy. I'm very confused by the AA stuff tells me to help others. That my very life as a problem drinker depends on my contant thought of others & what I can do for them. I go to Alanon & I'm told that I have to focus on me, not everyone else. The shrink told me to focus on me. I focus on helping others & I am secretly helping them so I will feel safe so it all winds up to be me. This is so hard. That question, What do I want, need, like to do? I don't know. I don't need anything. I don't want anything. I have no clue what I like to do. There's your answer, Connie. Try some more stuff & find out. Now, I'm talking to myself. That must say something. This too shall pass? I feel so tired & helpless to get out of my house to get to a meeting. My AH is driving truck somewhere in Los Angeles, gone for a few days. Luckily he's been clean & sober lately. This is all mish..mash. I must be venting. I am making a promise to me to go to a meeting tonight. The problem is, I can't trust myself to take me. I let me down all the time, but I never let "him" down. I'm solid as a rock. Go figure. Now, I'm feeling sorry for me. Is that allowed? I hate when that happens. :uzi2:

best

I say it is and I think it is a great start. Feel sorry for Connie and then make plans to do something about her to make her feel better.
Maybe you can take her to a meeting?

Where you care for others so much, you need understand this...
The better we care for ourself, the better we can help others.

Get to a meeting would be a good way to start.
Going out and looking at a new bike for "you" would be something I would enjoy.
Window shopping for bikes is always a good thing to do.

cmc

Connie,
I think you are heading in the right direction.... when the pain becomes too great, there are less choices. This is the same as reaching bottom in the other program... but this one is a codependent thing. I have been there myself- with my son.
Your house could have burned down as well- with you in it. Thankfully the damages are just what they are... things that can be replaced.
When I know what I must do, but still rationalize, procrastinate or try to ignore my own needs- I need to be honest about it with myself (you are doing that here in this thread) and I need to be honest about it with someone who can hold me accountable to keep my word...to do what is right.
That accountability is something you can find here, but I hope you will find it in a face to face manner as well. I have had therapy, been to meetings, counseled with my pastor...etc... and if I hold back and can talk my way around it I have found it is rather easy to come off as being just fine. Some people won't be fooled, but in my experience many can be.
There is a huge risk... in exposing that pain, many will never do it. I hope you can use the tools you have that keep you sober to go on further into your own recovery. You have come this far, successfully- why not consider this the second phase of accepting that step #1? Instead of powerless over 'alcohol' insert the words..."people, places and things" It's a good start.
I will be looking for you... and wait to hear how you are doing.
cmc

prodigal

and I don't mean lonely. I mean ALONE. I've felt it and I suddenly freaked! Before I knew it, I was involved with another A. But that alone is what we have got to get through in order to be our own person and to see the joy that life has to offer to each of us as individuals.

Believe me, I hear you when you talk about that really alone sensation. For me, it was like dangling over a bottomless pit and I was never going to hit the bottom - just an eternal free-fall. Whew!

We all have to die alone. Nobody can do that for us and that is the moment we face ourselves truly alone with our maker. I vote for feeling the true sensation of ALONE now before I bid my final adieu.