mallowcup

Where to begin? I'll try keeping it in a nut shell. My mother in law hates me with a smile in her face. Both if her sons are alcoholics and I think she likes it. If my MIL was put in a room full of strangers she'd appoint herself as the groups leader. She loves bailing her sons out to endear herself to them. She holds the mortgage on both of our properties and she went out of her way to leave my name off the deed. Unless you enable you are accused of being unsupportive. What kind of wife would let her husband sit in jail? Why would a wife make such a big deal about having her name on a mortgage unless she was a gold digger.(maybe becasue I'm paying for it?) UGG! there have been many slaps in the face since I married her son. She is in fact the most immascualting woman I have ever met. She inherited some cash which she interprets as brains. She worked as a secretary at the same hospital I work at. I know I make in one year what she made in three years. I told my husban din jest to cover my hurt feelings that "yes honey, I'm a gold digger, this is all just a part of my 10 year plan to take you for two houses that are unmortgagable at the bank". Her latest stunt is that she wants to give each of her three childen $10,000.00. She keeps making the point that th checks will be writen to them solely. (so what). Certainly a generous gift, I'm sick of her going so far out of her way to exclude me. I don't care about the money, it just hurts and she knows it. Now the latest thing is that she wants to give her three grandsons $10,000.00 too. Fine except that I find her timing interesting. My husband has one son and I have two. His sister has two sons and his brother has a string of children who are not acknowledged. My husbands first wife died of cancer when she was 26. She left behind my step son. Her dying wish was that he get a good education. Fine. No one put a dime away for that for 16 years. College time comes and I'm paying for half of my step sons education. Fine, I love him. If she had this cash,where was it when we were faced with college tuition? Well anyway, the transition of this money has resulted in several secret phone calls that exclude me. Now my MIL is free to do whatever she wants with her money. I can earn of borrow $10,000.00 in a heartbeat if I really needed it. It's like she just has to give me a whack! every once in a while. My husband told me about this "gift" and he said it would wise for us to pay off creidt cards with it. I said whatever you think. The old bat keeps leaving messages for my husband to call her privately so they can dicuss it. Well since my husband and I are the only ones here, I have to assume she wants this to be a secret from me. I have caught this woman in so many lies. I do think she creates a drinking evironment for both of her sons and I don't know how to stop her. I've been nice and respectful to her hoping she would just realize that what I want from her won't cost her a dime. She really really likes being her sons saviors. I'm tired of having my feelings hurt. I make no contact with her because I'm sick of trying. I'm also sick of her pocket book being in the middle of my marriage. It seems that unless I just mindlessly invest myself, I'm wrong and selfish. My husband listens to me when I talk to him but she seems to undo everything. My husband feels like he is an awkward spot. He doesn't want secrets but it seems secrets are a part of the conditions she has set forth. He can't very well tell her who and how to give her money away. How do you deal with a person like this? She isn't going anywhere and neither am I. Maybe I'm just venting. By making such a big deal about this, it will also hurt my sons feelings. She is attempting discretion that she has to make sure that everyoine omitted knows about which isn't discretion at all. Couldn't she just write checks to these people and send them? Why does there have to be a series of secret pnone calls? there doesn't. I have turned this over to God.

lilac

(((MallowCup))) The woman sounds like a nut..........

Ayers1995

Mallow... I sure wish I had some advice... Im sure that I'll be facing things w/my MIL soon too.

Sorry!!!

cmc

Mallow,
I am sorry.... she is controlling and using money to give or deny her approval- I wouldn't want a penny from her either. You are worth more than that and so are your kids. Sad, that is all she has to give...or use.. is money and games of secrecy.... She doesn't give gifts but buys power. It's good to hear that you don't give her that power over yourself! I have a relative like her... who I won't allow to play $ games with me. Let the others enjoy the money... they will find it costs them quite a bit to have it.
You sound strong to me.... good recovery.

Gemini31

Mallow here is a big hug for you because I have two family members who act EXACTLY like your MIL. One was my grandmother who supported and made excuses for my alcoholic father for over 30 years while he was in and out of jail, going on benders and neglecting to pay a cent of child support to his children. She was also a jehovah's witness (no offense to anyone here who might be one - she was part of a very twisted sector). Because my mother wasn't part of that religion, my grandmother didn't want anything to do with her grandchildren (I was only 3 at the time - like it was my fault?) but my father could do no wrong.

As much as my mother despised the way that my grandmother acted, she is now a carbon copy of her. She makes excuses for, and lends money to my sister who has been a chronic drug abuser for over 7 years.

It's sad, but I know what you mean when you say that you feel like your MIL is happy that her sons are alcoholics. I always felt like my mother was secretly happy when my sister got into drugs, or things would go wrong for any of her other kids. It was like it gave her a leg up on us or something. Very sick. Some people should never be parents, but unfortunately are.

In my situation I severed ties with my family and don't have much to do with any of them anymore. In yours, I realize it is not that easy. Keep your chin up and continue to stand your ground and try not to let this woman get the best of you. If anything, maybe it will help to just vent here!
Gemini31

splendra

If someone tries to mess with me the way your MIL is doing I would absolutly have to beat her at her game...that's for sure.

Your best revenge I think is to live well (that would probably beat her at her game too) and know that you do have a chance to out live her....

mallowcup

Thanks everyone. More secret phone calls and now she's changed her mind about giving the money. Her gift comes in different terms. Now she's decided that out of 6 grandkids, she will give 3 of them money. She will give her own three children $$$? of a secret amount? Instead of giving money directly to them, she will put it in an IRA for each. In order to do this, she needed their social security numbers. My step son wanted to pay off his credit cards and so did my husband. My husband says she is concerned that they have money at retirement. I know she just wants to be sure no one but the designated people get their mitts on her money complete with one more insult. I have two choices. I can ignore this completely and not give her the satisfaction of letting her know how pissed off, insulted and hurt this makes me. or....I can put my finger in her face and tell her I've had it with her never ending nonsense! I will do the first but I'm tempted to do the second because I have been shoved around emotionally by this old bat for too long. It hurts me to know that she is ignoring three of her grandkids just because their father had nothing to do with them and never paid support. Now she's handing him a wad of money for his retirement. He's a drunk who has walked off and left every wife and child he has had. What I need to do is draw a line and say , "Thats it!" I'm done with you. I need to do this for my own dignity and self esteem. It's a terrible thing to allow someone to keep hurting you and insulting you in order to keep the peace. Instead I think I will have this conversation with my husband instead.

Lollipop

Mallow

Been there, done that! Only it was hubbys Grandmother. Hubbys Dad died of cancer when H was 11 yrs old. Grandmother was in control of the money.... When H turned 30, he got his inheritence......I was not allowed at any of the meetings etc. He was made to open a seperate savings account in his name only.....still till this day, I am not sure as to the amount he recieved....
When his Grandfather passed away, same thing.......again, Im not sure how much he recieved. Why not you may wonder, well because I refused to allow the control over me, I refused to allow it to creat havoc in my marriage. Hubby did "share" the money with the kids and I, we still benefitted from it, but I let it be on his terms as far as how it was spent. Maybe not the smartest approch but again, I refused to let her control me in any way.

Now she is in a nursing home, barely hanging on and has alzheimers so bad that she has no clue who we are, H has stopped seeing her because she thinks he is his Dad come back to life and it freaks her out, I quit going because she calls me names and has them make me leave thinking I am a stranger coming to steal her possesions. It is very sad indeed. She is loaded, has more money then I could spend in a lifetime. Nobody knows where it will go when she passes but rumor has it that she has it willed to her church. Well, we could sure use the money but I am not worried about it, we will survive without it.

The saddest part of all of this is that she is going to die a lonely bitter woman, and for that I do feel sad. I do not regret NOt allowing the control though! Your doing awesome! Stay strong. I feel for you H, he is in a tough spot, just dont let it effect your marriage, to do so would allow her to "win" again!

Love Liss

mallowcup

Well I must say I had no idea that so many of you would have had similar situations. I'm glad becasue you really do know this has nothing to do with greed. They say we all have our price. Maybe I'm insulted that she thinks $10,000.00 is my price. HA! I came from a family that lived paycheck to paycheck and sometimes the paychecks had some distance between them. ( Come on folks! We are all married to alcoholics, it's not like we haven't mastered happiness that has nothing to do with money). I'd rather be broke and be me than be rich and be her. Isn't this true? Have you ever noticed that the way someone treats you really reveals more about them than about you? I've never borrowed a dime from this woman. She is determined to make into what she needs for me to be. She is determined that I am a gold digger. (there is no gold!) I may be an aluminum digger. She knows how she aquired the money she has and projects a fear that someone like herself is going to one up her. I earn my money. Hers was gifted. she was a secretary at the hospital for umpteen years. Interesting she has all this cash, a condo in florida, accounts here and there and safe deposit boxes her and there, accountants and wads of tax meetings. It's an interesting amount of money for someone who never made more than $6 an hour. I am buying a lottery ticket tonight. Thanks again everyone!

mallowcup

My husband tells a story about when he was little. He, his ister and brother were raised by his woman his mother hired. They stayed in this womans home with her husband and kids. Mom lived with "Uncle Frank". He said the woman used to hit him in the head for not folding his clothes right, He said he remember trying to do it right but he couldn't see he was crying so hard. He was five. He said the womans adult son used to burn him with cigarettes. When they got older they moved in with his grandparents. His grandfather was drunk who didn't work. His grandmother was a telephone operator. He said every night his grandfather would come home drunk and he would call the three kids to him. My husband said, he would have one bag of peanuts. He would scan the kids and pick one to toss the bag too. He made them stand there and be chosen or not. He had a rule that whoever got the peanuts couldn't share them. *******! For some reason this just came to mind. His mother is now in charge of the bag of peanuts and maybe it's time to toss them back and say, no thanks!

deax

^^Awful, awful, awful. Is it any wonder some people pick up a bottle and never wanna let it go? My ex had a few stories too, that broke my heart. Like playing fetch with his father's beer empty beer cans.

Your MIL reminds me of people in my family too. Passive aggression and manipulation and if you don't play, you're made to feel ostracized. My family needs me to need them, too, even if it's at my expense, even if it hinders my own self esteem, sense of identity, and growth as a human being.

My therapist says this to me, I think, every single week. Because I take the way other people treat me so to heart and put so much truth into what other people have to say about me. It does say more about them.

My therapist tells me that when I look at certain people in my family, to just picture them saddled down with a suitcase, a carry-on, a backpack, a few shopping bags-- to literally see them with all their 'baggage' as a way to remind myself that their behavior stems from their own issues and has little to do with me, but will probably keep me from ever getting what I need/want from them. Sounds like this might be a good way for you to deal with this wackadoo, too.

I also eventually realized I needed to use detachment and limited contact to deal with my family-- and we're a tight Italian family in which detaching (from them) is unheard-of. But sometimes it's the only way to preserve your sanity, at least until you find the tools that will help you when you're ready to walk back in.

mallowcup

My father was a drinker but he was a hard worker too. I can't imagine an adult that would play those kind of head games with kids. My husband and his sibblings were treated like neglected pets. My husbands first wife died at 26. She was petite, Chestnut eyes and long brown hair. She had a sweet demeanor. My step son had just turned 4 when she died. Her funeral was the first funeral my husband ever went to. He said the funeral director came up and handed him a tissue with his dead wifes engagement ring in it. He said he was in such a buzz state he just went to put the ring in his suit pocket. His mother literally snatched the ring from his hand and said give that to me! I'll put it away for safe keeping and one day you can give it to your son. That was that. Fast forward 24 years. My step son was going to get engaged and my husband thought this would be a good time to give him that ring. My husband doesn't use the computer and hates to talk to his mother on the phone so he asked me to email her and ask her to get the ring from the safe deposit box she had put it in. I did. We heard nothing back. My husband asked me to email again. I did. She emailed back and said she'd have it by the end of the week. That came and went with no word. My husband finally picked up the phone and called her. She said it wasn't in the safe deposit box, she remembered giving it back to him a few years back. He knew she had not. He insisted. She said well, I think your wife just wants that ring for herself, she kept emailing me to get the ring. My husband said, NO! I asked her to email you. She had to try and blame me because she couldn't find the ring she promised to take care of. No ring. My step son married and life went on. About two years later my sister in law called and she was crying. She said she was in her basement going through her mothers stuff that she had left there in storage. (her husband was getting mad because her mother had just dumped her stuff at their house, so she started going through it) She found the ring in an envelope in a file cabinet. She also found her own birth certificate that her mother had sworn she had already given her. Mother in law is now living with my sister in law and her husband and she's being a real pain in the butt. We are just happy to have the ring back. It isn't a big fat engagement ring, it is the only earthly possession my step sons mother left him. Through this process, my husbands drinking did increase. Does anyone think that certain people trigger alcoholics?

elizabeth1979

I dont have alot of experience with mil's like this..my ex's mother was quite lovely and I have nothing but love for her..

your comment above..make me laugh and brings a smile to my face

HolyQow

I want to drink just reading about your MIL!

I borrowed $200 ONCE from my MIL, and never heard the end of it. It was paid back in two weeks, but you would have thought we borrowed a few million! Never again!

My husband (ex now) seemed to have the same kind of relationship with his mother, Spineless is the only word that describes him. Unless he is the one to stand up to her, then it will never get better. No matter what I said, it was looked down upon, so I tried the "say nothing" approach. Then I was the "moody" one, according to MIL.

When he finally stood up to her ONE time, she left our house and never saw us again. She wrote husband a letter, telling him how rude and upsetting it was to be treated that way, and then proceeded to list all of my faults to him. He didn't fall for it then, and finally stood by me. Five years later, we were divorced, and don't ya know, the first place he went was to his mom's!
During that time, she never even saw our kids, but once I was out of the picture, everything was fine again. I believe that was her main goal. Even though I had said nothing the night she left, she still blamed me.

This is a huge pattern in their family. There are 5 children, and at any given time, at least one is "banished" from the family. When they return, MIL acts as if nothing ever happened. It's really odd, but I suppose it's her way of controlling everyone. So, I was not surprised last year when ex decided that our own kids were not worthy and he stopped seeing them. Because this has been how he was raised, I imagine that he will "pop" back in when the kids turn 18, and expect them to act like nothing happened. I think he is in for a rude awakening.

The only thing I would suggest would be to start your own savings account. And accounts for your kids. When money is being spent on stepson, same amount should go into your kid's accounts(if possible), and the same for yourself. I think there are laws about marital property, including gifts. So no worries about the houses, they are half yours no matter what, with or without your name on it. The only problem is if one dies, then it can get messy. I believe we have a deed by survivorship, so that it doesn't get tied up in probate if one of us dies. It is worth looking into, and you can always sign it Mrs. Golddigger! Not sure about the gifts being marital property, I think they are, but would have to check on that to be sure.