TexasGirl

I know I shouldn't be listening to the messages, but I am. It makes me feel bad, but not in the way you are probably thinking it does. I feel bad because I am leaving him in hiatus. I haven't told him anything....like I want a divorce, or I will come back if you do x, or whatever. I've just moved and basically stopped talking to him. He's shown up at my apartment a few times now, and I've been forced to talk then, but even in that situation, I am VERY standoffish and dodge his attempts to hug and touch me. My doc has said that I shouldn't feel like I have to tell him something, basically that we are on my terms now. But it makes me feel bad...I feel like I owe him the decency to keep him in the loop of what's going on, but honestly, I don't know what that is. So I just keep ignoring him! Do I want a divorce? I don't know yet! Do I want to get back together if he "shapes up?" I don't know! I just don't know, and that makes me feel terrible because he really wants to know. His messages are seriously 4 - 5 minutes each! His most recent one said something like, "Please, can we please just talk. Please stop ignoring me. I just want to hear your voice. Please just talk to me and tell me what it is I need to do to get you back home with me. Why won't you tell me so I can just start doing it and we can get on with our lives." What do you all make of this?? I just flat don't know. But I do feel like I owe him some kind of update in a way...

denny57

One of the last things AH said to me was, just tell me what to do. I said, I can't.

As far as I know, he's still out there drinking.

I have asked myself, what do I owe him? I just keep coming up with the same answer: nothing.

I'm still learning what I want from life and for now that's all that matter.

deax

Would it make you feel better and more comfortable if you told him what you just said- that you don't know what you want right now and need more time to figure it out? I don't think that would be so bad-- would give you the chance to put it out there wihtout leaving him hanging, in the sense that you're directly requesting that he give you time. Ask him to stop calling for a while. And then you continue taking all the time you need to figure things out and to let him sink or swim. Seems fair on all sides to me, and I don't see anything wrong with being fair.

Live

I'd probably just tell him, I am sorry but I don't have any answers for you, I am trying to sort things out myself.

mfisher

I couldn't give mine the answers he wanted until I knew them for myself and had the strength to back them up.
It sounds like you knew you needed to get away.
It sounds like you still have some hope he will "shape up"
Hope was my downfall, you can't possibly give him the answers you don't have.
I know it is hard, but until you make a decision he will have to wait.
All you can tell him is what you do know and the reason you left.

Minx1969

well...that he is saying that is telling me that he is only willing to get sober to get you back home.

He is still not TRULY wanting recovery. He will do it to get you home ...not because he's ready.

So..I think you are right to stay out of his way.

It's ok TG to take it one day at a time..Hell..that's all any of us should be doing.

So..if you don't want him calling or talk to him. You can tell him that..

" I need some time to figure out what I want. Please stop showing up and don't call me for x months"

And then you have to do your part..stop listening to the messages..

When we start to get healthier it doesn't always feel good..we feel guilty etc. don't worry girl - you are doing great!

pmaslan

I find his statement insane.
He knows what he needs to do, you have told him in the past
what you want, he didn't listen to you apparently since he is
asking you this again.
I think it should be clear to him ...you left because you weren't happy,
he was drinking and all the other stuff that was going on.
I don't see why you have to decide anything until you are ready to.

denny57

When he comes back in 2-3 weeks, or sooner, do I say the same thing or say something else so that he'll understand?

LaTeeDa

Wow, this sounds so familiar to me. After I kicked my husband out, he was saying the same kind of things. That was BEFORE he decided to find recovery. He barely even remembers all the stuff now that made me feel so guilty then. At one point, I got so tired of him asking me to make a decision, that I told him this: I am not ready to decide if I want a divorce or not, but if you want a decision from me right now, then it will be divorce.

After that, he stopped pressuring me. I think now that it was manipulation on his part and when it didn't work, he stopped. At the time, I knew that if he really wanted a definitive answer, he could file for divorce. I also knew that was a possibility and I came to terms with that.

You may want to spare yourself the grief of listening to the messages for awhile. JMO. I also agree with the suggestion of setting a time. "Let's discuss it in X number of months, until then, I need some space to myself."

L

deax

Well I know this particular situation is super hard for me. But I think there's a gray area where you can do right by your self and still free yourself of having to feel like you're hurting someone else.

I find baby steps helpful. When it comes to doing really difficult things like having no contact, and if things get to the point where immediately hanging up on the person is necessary, I would feel better stating that. "Please do not call me anymore or for X amount of time" or "The next time you call I will hang up on you." So there are no surprises, and so the other person knows where your head is at. I think this is important for people who are NOT 100% sure that they want out of the relationship. Because in that case, there are 2 people involved. Two people with feelings. Once the rules are stated, then we are responsible for living up to them.

So I'm a fan of stating things clearly and taking a more drastic action only if and when necesary, and that depends on how much jeopardy your OWN recovery is in when the setbacks occur. And that's different for everyone.

The whole point is, they need to understand the manipulation and guilt is not a tactic that will work, that will get them what they want at their partner's expense. The manner of relaying that message can be customized based on who we are, what feels do-able at the time, and what we ultimately want.

Just my opinion.Today, anyway.

denny57

Sounds like a lot of rationalization, but whatever works.

I highly recommend attending open AA meetings. There I have made many friends who assure me when they were actively drinking, "feelings" were not involved. They most certainly didn't care about my feelings. What they cared about was drinking. Perhaps that colors my outlook and helps me understand.

GettingBy

First of all, you don't OWE him anything.
Especially when he says something like this.... To me, that is his way of asking you to come back and "dance" with him. Sort of like, "Just tell me you want me to stop drinking, and I will [for a little while] and then you can come home... and then we'll get back to living the same old life we've been living." Nothing changes when nothing changes.

As my sponsor always tells me... whenever we try to change/improve ourselves, we are guaranteed to get very strong "Change Back" messages from the alcholics. He's losing his enabler, and he really wants/needs you to come back. Is that what you want? I doubt it, so just keep focusing on you.

Oh yeah, and stop listening to those messages. They really don't do anything good for your recovery.

Keep enjoying that new apartment and all your arts & crafts projects!
Shannon

Cynay

You know TG what this says to me.... and I could be off base but ....

It says to me that he does not give a FIG about you... he does not care that you hurt so much that you had to leave, that you have ALREADY told him many times why your hurting..... Nothing. Its says to me that he is annoyed with your actions and if you tell him what you want he will do it and then you can stop this nonsense and HE can get back to living.

Where is the compassion, understanding and true amends? Where are the questions about you... where is the accountability for what has happened? Where is the action? Sounds to me like he is harrassing you is all and that is a red flag in itself.

Keep strong..... Maybe it is time to tell him you want no contact for X amount of time and dont listen to the quacking hon....

Zoey

TG, ((hugs))
You just received replys from some of the best and I feel you are loved by all. However we all come from different stages of recovery.

We love our SO, that is what makes it so hard. I think because we are sober we feel resposibilities, we care about stray cats etc. we are caring humans.
However with this disease it is best for both if one walks away, we are stuck with loving them without contact.

I found the most answers in AA, however it just made me love the A more.
Also I am an alcoholic, but high bottom, Thank God!

What I would like to suggest is get to an addiction therapist and tell that you have this extreme caring and guilt, that you would feel better to get a few things across to him. Also to make it clear there must be no contact.

Love doesn't fix everything.
No one can love another out of addiction, or most mothers would love enough to cure their addicted kids.

Find a way to stop contact, then realize it will take him at least a year sober to even know who he is, then often they relapse and always the danger of that one relaps is they will choose to drink.

Has he gone to AA? Has he ever had 90 days sober?

I so hope you can again start baby steps to get answers you need.
I think you already know that no contact is best for you. You start to feel free to be you, and more peaceful.
((HUGS))

splendra

(((TG)))


I wonder if he knows he has been a jerk?

StandingStrong

What do I make of it? He's wanting to see where you stand on the dance floor. Are you serious? Are you weakening? Will a temporary change of dance steps on his part be enough to win you back?

That's my perspective TG. But then again, you have to remember, I told my AH a million times over the years we've been seperated what I wanted, how I felt, etc. - and he should have already known. And while he did make some attempts at being the person I needed him to be - the truth is, he's not.

He knows what you wanted as far as the kind of relationship that you wanted with him.
If you truly feel that you need to tell him where you stand - be honest. Just as you said here, tell him you don't know what it is you want as far as a relationship is concerned. You are simply working on yourself - and maybe he needs to do the same.

mallowcup

It's hard to answer questions you don't have the answers to. I'd speak to generalities. I'd tell him this. No contact for six months and no actions for six months. You don't have any answers right now and contact isn't going to clarify any of it. Six months without distraction can bring you both to a place where you can sit and decide waht you have to BRING to a relationship, not what you need.

CatsTail

TG,
In your post befor ethis one you said you were watching his bank account or credit card or something and you had come up with he was probably taking someone out on a date.

If you really feel you have to you can say you don't know what you want and hopefully that will get him off your back but I doubt it.

It's whatever is right for you.

Ngaire

JessicaNAJ

TG...The only person that needs to understand where you are right now is you. I agree..how can you possibly give him any answers if you don't have any.

I don't see any harm in tell him that you need to work on you, he needs to work on him and then MAYBE you can work on being together. But you need to get healthy and so does he before you can do that.

FormerDoormat

Here are my thoughts on the subject, TG:

Throughout the course of your relationship, did your A generally treat you with common decency and respect? Was he honest and open with you? Respectful of your feelings? Kind and caring? If the answers to these questions are--for the most part--yes, then don't you think he deserves similar treatment--both during the course of your relationship and the manner in which you end the relationship?

If, however, he took advantage of you and generally treated you disrespectfully, if he was distant and dishonest with you, if he was cold and uncaring, if he was insensitive and unkind to you, then I don't feel you owe him anything, and an explanation or update are necessary.