paige

Hi Everyone,

I have posted twice and read alomst everyday. First I want to thank everyone for their responses. For a quick recap I am engaged to an A who also suffers from depression. I love him, but almost everyday is hard. And I wake up every morning telling myself to smile, but in time it has been getting harder to keep up my spirits. Rather then planning a wedding and being excited, I just pray almost everynight that he comes home safely.

Ok. So, that was a little more then a small recap but I have a problem with our relationship that I know may not be as big as all the other problems at han,d but has been eating away at me. He has no interest in having intimate relations with me. I know I am not an unattractive person, I am no Scarlet Johanson, but I'm young and have a nice figure. Regardless, it has been a real self esteem killer that he does not want me that way. We live like roomates. His interest started to slowly fade and now it's been months. This is embarresing for me but I really have no where to go or ask with this problem. Does anyone else share in this?

Cynay

Welcome.... you said you have posted twice and I did not see it.... But welcome now....

Can I ask how long you have been engaged and when the wedding is???

None of what his happening is about you sweetie.... Im sure you are very beautiful... You have to remember that an Alcoholic does not think and react like non-Alcoholic men. I was reading in "Under the influence" and they talk about A's in the second stage of the disease that loose most interest in intimate relationships.

In my case it was the same.... at the end it would be months and we were not close at all.... when I would make the advance he would not be able to perform and then the next thing I know the acusation came flying... I had gained weight, I was this or that.... you name it. At the time I was really hurt and felt very rejected. I believed what he was saying that I was too Disgusting to be intimate with...... Let me tell you my selfesteem hit rock bottom at that point but today I know it really had nothing to do with me, he was covering his inability to perform and the only way he could is by blaming it all on me....

Please read as much as you can, books, the stickies at the top of the form and maybe think about going to some Al-anon meetings so you really understand the disease of Alcoholism before you make such a big commitment.

luli2979

Hi Page, a year and a half I was in the same place that you're now. I got married and things are getting worse. I don't want to scarrie you, just sharing my experience. My husband suffers from depression too and he's medicated. I know that it's very hard to have a big smile in your face every morning, because obviously you have your own matters.
I don't have sex with my husband, that's because every night he get drunk. And remember is not you, it's him.

fixyou

I have been with my AH 19 years. I have been living with my AH as a roomate for the last 7 years, maybe once every year or so he gives it a go but it always turns out with me in tears, wanting what we had 19 years ago. Once we went over 2 years with nothing at all. The last time we had a passionate kiss, well i can not even remember. If my experience is any indicator of the norm it will not get better until the depression and dependency is taken care of.
My self esteem is below sea level and I am now at the point of should i stay or sould i go. If i knew 19 years ago what i know now i would have never went down this road.
He has found every little flaw i have and made that the reason for no sex.

Please think long and hard before you make that walk down the isle, like you i love this man (my AH) more than life itself and i am trying to change that. I am learning to love myself more than him.
He is my addiction, and my addiction is killing me..........

ritabee

I am in the same boat also. We met online and he was so romantic and sexual as he typed. When we got together he did make one attempt...he couldn't complete the act and never really tried again.

I heard every excuse. First it "wasn't going to happen overnight". Then I had "weight issues." Then he blamed the booze. Said maybe he needed Viagra. He told me he wanted to but maybe he needed counseling. Then he said he was afraid he was "unfixable". I find the last to be the closest to the truth.

He left me last month and now he's going to counseling. He tells me its because of the sex and he explained to the counselor that there are weight issues and he feels pressured. Hmmm, one attempt at intimate sex in 2 years and he feels pressured??? Once again, blaming it all on me. We did actually have drunken sex (him, not me) a few times but it was all about him. And he had consumed about 12 beers and watched 4-5 hours of porn first. He goes to strippers, got a computer virus from looking at porn, subscribed to the porn cable channels and yet he has no sex drive with me! Huge intimacy issues here.

I know its not about me but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I wanted the whole relationship with him, but he doesn't have it to give.

mallowcup

You have two places to go. The first place is here and the second place is to the salon. Scarlet Johanson is beautiful and so are you. Go to the salon and get a make over. Why? You will see yourself differently. We can't have a make up person and filterd light following us around. Whenyou look good , you feel good. There's a reason you feel unattractive, there is a living man who is within reach and he isn't noticing you. That would do great damage to your self esteem. Treat yourself to a day at the salon having everyting they offer and then go out and do a test. Take note on how many men do notice. The sunshine comes from within. You have no sunshine. I have made a real effort to shed the sweats and make myself put on something nice WITH make up every day. I stopped doing that because it didn't matter one way or another. I noticed that any effort I made toward myself made me feel better. I would even fo so far as to get yourself all primped and puffed and go to a neighboring town where no one knows you. Take your self out for a drink or dinner and see how a normal healthy man responds to you. I think it works best if you are away from anyone who knows you because it's easier to loosen up. You were a fat ripe plum who has withered to a raisin. All women are beautiful.

mallowcup

There's a reason they call it afterglow. It is a glow that comes from being ravaged passsionately by the man who loves you.

Tally

God, this one's a killer...

At first I blamed myself, it must be me, I'm too fat, he doesn't fancy me, I'm not pretty enough....

But I am pretty enough, he does fancy me and I'm not "too fat".....it's nothing to do with me, same was it's nothing to do with you.

Even now, sometimes I'll catch myself thinking "if I looked like ****" he'd want me..but it's not that he doesn't want me, he can't.

I think he feels so disgusted by himself that he can't let anyone get near him.

It kills your self esteem to have the person you love reject you, flinch when you touch them, so obviously you're going to question yourself.
But Alcoholism isn't about us, it's about them and their self loathing.

My ABF has NEVER blamed me for our sexual issues, not once. I've blamed me plenty, he used to tell me repeatedly "it's not you, it's me" and I didn't believe him. Now I do.
I used to think "you're a man, men always want sex". I was so, so confused and hurt but I had to stop blaming myself.

The first year was fine, but as the disease progresss so does their self hatred, so our sex life dwindled. The more I nagged the more he felt bad because he couldn't do anything about it.

We've talked about it repeatedly at length. He said when I would get angry about it it would make him feel small and even "less of a man".

He has it in his head that sex should be "perfect", that he has to "last" a certain amount of time, that he's not a proper man if he can't satisfy me, that if we try and he can't do it I'll be disappointed...so rather than disappoint, he'd rather bury his head in the sand and not try at all, even though I wouldn't be disappointed....but try telling him that.

He says when we try and get intimate he's ok with it but then he starts getting paniky once he gets into his head that he can't do it, even though physically he can.

I think what goes on in the head is way more significant, but of course they're in there alone, swimming in alcohol.

I've had the anger, the porn "addiction"....It still upsets me, but what can I do, nothing, except draw some boundries....do the three C's apply here too?! Course they do.

Yes it still hurts, but it's my choice to stick around so I just have to deal with that, for now..

pmaslan

As sad as it is, this is what it is like to be with an active alcoholic.
When I met my exfiancee we were very attracted to each other.
He thought I was beautiful and I thought he was one of the most
handsome men I'd ever met. Even from the start intimacy was at
a premium. I didn't understand why it was such a chore for him
as I didn't know how much he was actually drinking. He hid most of
it from me from the start. After we decided we were going to get
married he moved in and the drinking was clearer to me. The intimacy
became less and eventually he started to blame me. Told me I was
fat and that turned him off. Funny I was the same size then as when
we first met. Finally, I just wasn't attracted to him that way anymore
and eventually we broke up. It's all about the booze here.
Don't ever doubt yourself my friend, you are beautiful....

mallowcup

My husband isn't working, drinking a about 20 beers a day, maybe more, and he rolled in at about 4am from playing poker. He sat ont eh porch until 6am drinking more beer. I could hear him babbling to himself when I got up to go the the BR. Here's the thing, he does this every Friday night now like it's a job he goes to. He doesn't ask if I mind, he states he's going. Here is what he doesnt' know. The night before last I got a phone call from an old love. He called to tell me he had just been promoted to Lt. Colonel and was about to leave on his third tour to Iraq. He said he was building points for his retirement which would be forced in July of 2008. We chatted briefly. He said he called only because he wanted me to know how much I meant to him, how beautiful I am. He is married. He is leaving. I have known this man since high school. The last time I saw him was about 15 years ago. We will probably never see each other again. Here's the thing. I am remembered as being beautiful to him. I haven't felt beautiful for a long time. Of course this conversation brought me back to the last time I felt alive as a woman. I did tell him that he set the standard. He made me become very picky. He was a good friend to my husband. My only point is that I have known love and I miss it. I hope he returns with Gods speed, but I have a feeling his call will come to have precious meaning. I just feel it and so did he. I will worry. It makes all the drunken 4am babble so poinient.

mallowcup

He leaves today for Tampa and then off to Iraq. I have to get out of this house today. H ewill be gone a year and we purposely did not leave any contact info with each other. The call came like a distant validation and faded into thin air like it was a dream. As my heart is in a knot today, my husband will be clueless.

Tally

Maybe if we all felt beautiful more often we wouldn't stay so long...

spring

Go buy the book "Lies at the Altar" . Read it before you make a life long committment. Please. You'll save youself a lot of pain.

Bless you.

denny57

It would be a huge problem for me. Intimacy (not just sex) is such an important part of a realtionship; without it, all else dies and yes, you become roommates. Plan your wedding knowing this is the way it is and, since there's no predicting the future, the way it will be. I don't think I'd be going into any future relationship with intimacy already a problem.

Take care.

p.s. there are no embarassing questions

Janitw

I guess I don't understand then what my ex had going on...mine was very very passionate and his only goal was that he pleased me in the sex dept. And he never had any problems with performing. And yet he has been drinking for 30 years....are there some alcoholics that never lose the ability??? This thread has me really thinking...

Janit

pmaslan

I guess there is an exception to everything Janit.
Mine drank in excess of 1/2 gallon of vodka a day not even
counting the beers....I guess I would have a hard time even
moving about, much less anythng intimate if I drank thant much.

mallowcup

Ahhh but passion is not an act measured by a technical expert. People can have vigorous sex. That just requires stamina. Passion is driven from the heart. If it isn't right in my head and heart, no amount of stamina or acrobatics equals passion. Maybe that's just me.

spring

Right on, Mallow.

best

As I sit here and read my heart breaks.
I read what people go through. I read of tears and loneliness. I read of selfesteem that walks away in silence.
If I could go to each house and face to face tell you how beautiful and loving each of you are, I would. So many times I sit and think...if I was single...I would be looking for a person just like her for a wife.
Please know that your beauty shines. The love and kindness of each of you shines so bright as well. Through my finding recovery, I have learned how to show and tell my wife how beautiful she is. There is hope. Don't throw it away by making mistakes that won't help matters. Know you are beautiful and seek to love yourself for who you are. Hope will carry us through. Please know that your beauty and love is seen by me and you are all so wonderful.

Zoey

Wonderful, uplifting reply Best.
Thank You