tiney1972

ok as I have read the last few days i feel like I have already posted (by reading similar posts) Like someone else lives my life. let me just post a letter I wrote a church group.

WHen I was young I had a family. Physically. It never felt like family. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was always in mental hospitals. NOt saying they didnt love me but I cant rememeber feeling family love or being loved. I was placed in a small girls home ( 8 girls)at the age 16. I learned more family values and love there. I was starting to grow up at the age 17 when I met a man I started living with. HE drank and cheated and we still started a family. 3 beautiful girls. WHen the 3rd was born I was so tired of hurting for 6 years of the cheating when I was invited to church. I took myself and my 3 lil girls to church. That day my life changed. I sat in that pew with my heart pounding during the invitation. Yes i went up there. My heart and life changed. My heart still ached for my family life I wanted. Then he finally after a couple years started going with us and during the invitation his heart pounded and yup he went up there and got saved. FOr a few months he stuck with it and we had a beautiful family life. Then one day he picked up another beer and then another woman (woman #13). Me and the kids didnt see him for 2 weeks and he filed for a divorce. I cried and cried feeling like once again in life "I get no family". i moved 200 miles near my sister. I met a man on the internet that lived kindaclose by. WE dated and thing got serious. I lost church somewhere in the middle when I moved. No church felt like the one I gave my heart in. So then I gave into the internet parties they had once a month then I gave into drinking . Needless to say that relationship didnt work. ( I guess I was just trying to feel loved)? And I did temporary. When I realized I was not in love and I was headed the wrong way it was to late I was pregnant. BY now it was lil over a year after my divorce and the kids and their dad talked me into letting him move into where I lived and we tried. I had no feelings for him and was about to have this other mans baby. ( SO knowing my girls were going to be going to their dads again, 200 miles away every other weekend and every other holiday and the guy I was pregnant by would have his son every other weekend and holiday where would this new baby be? How could I raise a 4th one on my own. I was not 100% finacial stable with my girls) Well I talked it over with my girls and started an adoption for this new baby. Very hard but putting my feelings aside he has a stable family life. One my girls or me never got to have. So a month after the baby was born and adopted ( and I was losing my mind) I kept telling their dad I didnt want to be with him. He was drinking ( i had quit ) and after the divorce the feelings was gone so why keep going. I couldnt get him to move out. I made him sleep on the couch. I didnt have feelings for him the year he was there. With my mind going crazy I took a second job just to clear my head. Here I was working 2 job, 12 hrs a day, raising 3 girls trying to get their dad to move out. NOw here comes this older man every day into my 2nd job which was making donuts. The sweetest man I ever met. He was older (15 years) so nice, smart. After time he was taking my heart. I didnt even see it. After a couple months of just talking I told the kids dad I had a friend ( thats all we was). Finally he moved out. i started dating the older man. I didnt involve my kids. We both thought that was best. Wow was he so smart and caring to our feelings. then the time came where we decided to involve the kids. My yougest( at this point age 5 in kindergarten) had since age 2 selective mutism, a socail phobia where they talk to noone but me, her dad and her sisters. She didnt even talk at school. So when the day came that the kids met him my youngest talked to him and let go of that phobia. She talked at school, daycare everywhere. So here we are becoming a family more and more as every day and month goes by. I truely felt family like i dreamed it would be. Like I never ever felt. As more and more time passed I felt soooo secure that this was finally the family I never had. I was finnaly feeling so secure and sooo happy. I had it. GOd finally gave me my family. We both had bad relationships and in my mind I always believed God knew we needed each other. We would call each other, each others Angels. He drank a lil wine or mix drink from time to time but so very light. IT never affected anything. So 2 years go by and a couple disagreements, nothing unusual. His mother and him had an argument over property and they didnt talk for 2 weeks. He got a call (SHe was 90) that she had a heart attack. We went to the hospital (whiskey in a container) and she was like in a coma and after 30 min she was gone. That week my life changed. He was drunk the whole week. He wwas temporary put on blood pressure meds. After that week he slowly became this sloppy mean drunk. I am not sure that its cause of the death or a reoccuring alcohol prob he had in the past I found out about. MAy be the habit is back? All I know is I dont have the same man I fell in love with for 2 years. this hurts. TIme has passed since the drinking has first started escalating. IT has now been 4 1/2 years. I feel so unloved. HE says so many mean things when hes drinking and now sometimes when hes not. Things I would of never dreamed would of come out of his mouth. There has been some big physical fights. HE knows he has a drinking prob but you cant talk to him about it. HE says its a disease that you just have to live with. I feel like it takes his loveable emotions away. HE didnt drink much and not hard for 2 weeks and he was so great for 2 weeks. Its been 2 years since I got 2 weeks good. His alcoholic friends are doing things to come between us. I feel like I have lost what God has given me. I know it was meant for me to be happy with his family. I felt it. God knew I needed a family. HE gave it to me. IS all I can do is pray for the strength to get through it as I watch (in my sober view) my family I felt so secure about fall apart? Ive never wanted something sooo much in my life and especailly this family. Why do I have to let it go after waiting my whole life for it. Ive tried letting go and I cant. Will you say a prayer for me that what ever happens that I have the strength? Please also pray for this drinking problem to reverse.

sorry for the long post. OH my where do I go from here? IM lost, sad, confused. I always ask god please dont take my family away. But it seems as thats where it is gonna go. bye bye. but why? hes such a great guy when not drinking. It is like 2 people, 2 personalities

denny57

welcome, tiney, glad you're here

I would suggest Al-Anon. Are you still part of the same church? Can you talk to your pastor about support groups? I found when I got busy helping myself, life got better. It doesn't have to be as black and white as you see it now.

Good luck and keep posting.

tiney1972

I wish I were a part of that church. After my divorce i moved to be with my family 200 miles away. After 5 years (last weekend) I had a wedding to attend in that area and stayed the night and visited my old church. IT helped my heart and just like I felt before I went I knew what I needed to do....just like the country song... "Jesus take the wheel". See I have known for some time that I had had enough and that I need to move out but between just starting a new job ( i have been laid off for 2 years) and the hurt and confusion and disbelief of what this is coming to its been hard. But.That day I visited my old church I felt stronger. I felt like I was strong enough to leave. When i came home he was in an attitude because I was gone for 3 days. BY Friday he was quieter. We bought a movie and sat with my 3 girls and enjoyed some good quality family time without drinking. We went to bed and things happened that hasnt happened in 3 months. The next morning (Saturday) we went shopping and had a great time. We went to eat and he had a margarita. ON the way home (usually after the margarita) he will stop and get his lil wines. Well he told me he didnt want nthing to drink that we were going to go home and watch another movie with the girls. When we got home all his buddies were at his house playing 4 x 4 on his property because they just had a mud race in this town. And of course they were all drinking. He stopped and said hi and I noticed his buddies wife was there. I do not allow her at my home ( AB house)
because of the trashy way she acts around my AB. not to mention they have a past of being swingers that have made home movies. Why invite trouble into your life? So when we went to the house to watch the movie he kept saying, I know your mad, I know your mad. I said " IM not mad at you cause you didnt know she was going to be there but you need to tell your friend that he shouldnt of crossed that bridge. He said no. I got upset becuase I left in the spring because they were going to disresspect my feelings of how I felt and bring her in my face. My AB at that time promised me if I came home that she would never again be around. Well of course being the disrespectful AB he is of course I was going to face the disrespect and lies and promise being broke. Not to mention the fact His swinger A-buddie tries everything to stir things up constantly because he want Ab's attention to keep the drinking thing going. Especailly when he sees him spending quality time with me and the kids. ANyways so we have a big arguement ( in the house not near any of the 4 x 4 people) and I! embarrassed him. what about the respect for my feelings? What about the hurt I felt knowing he wanted to be with a bunch of drinkers that came along instead of what was planned spending time withus? So Sunday I get up and go to my new church I have been attending lately ( one I dont feel fed from) and came home... again the same attitude and another drinking buddy is at the house. I avoid him, let him cook for his people and drink. MOre people show up and he tells a friend of mine (that he hates because he feels threatened by her strongness) "shes in the house. she replied , thats ok IM staying right here with my husband. So last night after everyone leaves the alcoholic attitude was taken out onme and I was every piece of Sh-t to i embarrased him and everyone left because of me. I wasnt even out there. Then this morning I get slapped upside the head and told how stupid and embarrassing I am and so on. I have sat and thought why hekeeps repeating that I was embarrasing wondering what I did. The onnly thing I can think of is at one point ( when it was just the first guy there Sunday) his wife showed up and aske dme to sit out in the deer shed (AB's party shed). SHe kept asking whats wrong. I know she saw the drained look in me but I cant help that I AM DRAINED. So many mean and hurtful things said.Well I guess I allowed him to take me back on the roller coaster ride AGAIN and I am back to square one with this hurt, confusion, and disbelief hate life attitude. Grrr I am so mad at myself cause I was doing so good.

Again sorry for the long post, just needed to vent. I just need to get strong again. I have been looking for alanon meetings to attend. The only reason I keep putting it off is cause my girls (ages 13,12,10) are with me and I have noone around here to keep them. But where theres a will theres a way. and I will figure that out. I have to so I can get my sanity back togetherI've allowed him to take that from me. Its time for me to take it back. I know its gonna take a lot of support.

Pick-a-name

(((tiney1972))) : so glad you found us. So much that you wrote sounds familiar. I think you know what you feel is best for you and slowly but surely you are making steps toward your own peace of mind. Seems you have been down this road a few times.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Thanks for this post,too. When I read this, a few things "clicked" in my head about my own situation tha t are important for me to see; I think it will help me a lot. Thanks for that.

Keep posting...we are always here !

tiney1972

ty for your reply and your prayers.

i know im strong i just hope i can be strong enough to leave when the time comes. I want it,and need it.

I will not lie to anyone here. When the time comes when I leave I know there are 2 things that can happen.

1. he lets go as I will because
The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back.

2. he looses his mind because I know this family is everything he wants in life. (but his Alcoholic behavoir has gotten the best of ihim)

if #1 happens then I lose the love and family I believed was mine this time.
if #2 happens maybe he will get help ( let me say I am not eventually moving out in hopes for this. I just know and want to knowledge myself to what might or might not take place. I want to prepare myself so I dont stay on a rollercoaster ride and go back to square 1 over and over)

denny57

tiney, is this the first time he "slapped you upside the head?"

Your daughters are old enough to attend the meeting with you. There might even be a spare room there where they can hang out together for an hour. You could call and ask.

Good luck.

tiney1972

out of all honesty denny. no but I have to say the emotional pain is harder. I know theres alot to abuse to. My xah was that and I did fear him. but this one knows not to get to serious. My brother is involved on that. Imy non fear is not from that but because i know him well enough theres no reason to fear in that way. thanks for the idea to call and see if they can sit somewhere. as far as them attending I want to get me past the emotional part first. I cant let them see me that way and stress them. they think im ok.

FormerDoormat

Tiney, dear, I don't think this is the life that God intended or planned for you. I can't imagine our loving Father wanting anyone to suffer such pain, abuse, and disappointment. If the pain has become too much to bear, it's OK to let go and seek a better life. You deserve it and your children deserve it, too.

Sometimes we have to learn how to love ourselves before we feel worthy of having a healthy partner and being truly loved.

denny57

Good luck with attending a meeting tiney. I think it's possible your girls, at their ages, are aware of more than you might know. But I do understand you not wanting to discuss it in front of them. I'm pretty sure there's a way to work that out. Let us know how the call goes.


(((tiney)))

tiney1972

i just sat and made a list for sun - sat meetings in my area so if Im having a bad day on any given day I have somewhere picked. I have called and left messages at every location. so hopefully ill get return calls tomorrow.

formerdormat. I know god didnt intend on me living my life in pain. Maybe its that I ( i feel statement lol) feel that God did give me this family but that doesnt mean someone can make a wrong turn and destroy it. If God gives you soemthing dont you still have to take care of it to keep it? Just like God gives us a second chance and it is up to us to keep it straight? right? maybe not? I dont know just confused i guess. stress like this clogs the brain!! And I have alot of it. Just like he just came in with groceries autolmatically yelling. grrrrrrr and mad because I didnt clean his party mess up from last night in his deer shed. why should I clean it up? I wasnt a part of it. needed a quik vent LOL!!

prodigal

Well, I'm certainly no theologian or expert on God, but perhaps you should turn to II Corinthians and read those famous versus that explain what love IS. And what you got ain't love. Not in the biblical sense and not in the healthy sense. How often I've heard that phrase, "God helps those who help themselves." I beg to differ. I think God helps the hopeless, the helpless, the down-and-outers, the ones who finally throw up their hands in despair and say, "I can't handle this - help me!"

Let go and let God. He is ultimately in control of the show. You have a history of becoming involved with alcoholics. You may be repeating this pattern in order to set to rest and set straight the trauma you suffered as a child. Try Al-Anon. It is not a religious program; however, it is a spiritual one. Read Co-dependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Read Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews.

You were put on this earth for a purpose. Somehow I doubt your purpose is to be the scapegoat and whipping post for a nasty alcoholic. Let God deal with him. It's your turn to deal with yourself and your kids.

tiney1972

im sorry, I know that what I have now isnt love. But it was the first 2 years before he became this alcoholic.

as far as the statement "God helps those who help themselves." that is not what I was stating. I said just because God gives you something doesnt mean it cant go wrong later when its abused. If god gives you something take care of it if you abuse it its not in gods hands no longer.

your statement "I think God helps the hopeless, the helpless, the down-and-outers, the ones who finally throw up their hands in despair and say, "I can't handle this - help me!" BSOLUTELY AND that is the only reason I am getting thru this.

Do I have a history of becoming involved with alcoholics? Yes I at the age of 17 (young without understanding of alot) fell in love with and was involved with an alcohlic. Then I got with a man that drink some, he wasnt no alcoholic. he was a socail drinker. Well when I got with the third guy in my life (the one I am with now" I thought I chose careful. There was no signs of alcoholism for 2 YEARS. Yes he is an alcoholic now but I didnt get involved with an alcoholic. one time when I was young did I get INVOLVED with an alcoholic. After 3 years of it ( not quite one and 1/2 year of hateful alcoholic)I am not proud of staying that long but I am proud that I can open my eyes before i waste any more of my life because I am D-O-N-E I just have to wait to go full time at my new job. I cant support and pay bills on 2 days a week job.

"Let go and let God" you say? ABSOLUTELY! There is nothing I can do. Only God can give me strength to get thru it. Its still hard when you dwell on the good times and know what kind of guy you used to have. But its not a mountain I cant get over. I will ache and hurt along the way but I WILL make IT!

"Somehow I doubt your purpose is to be the scapegoat and whipping post for a nasty alcoholic. Let God deal with him. It's your turn to deal with yourself and your kids" NO I was never meant to be hit on! ANd yes God will deal with him. prodigal please dont take me as sarcasm. IM a loveable person and sometimes not perfect just got to get my ducks in a row and send them waddling.