Just need to get this off my chest
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Morgantown, WV
Posts: 3
Just need to get this off my chest
I am struggling with my husband's on-going alcohol addiction - I get so mad at him for being so selfish and uncaring about how he hurts my feelings. I know he doesn't drink to personally hurt me, but my feelings get hurt anyway when he doesn't come home from work and I don't know where he is. I have asked that he just call and let me know so I won't worry and can then do others things if I want, but he doesn't follow-through. I want to continue to love him but I don't want to continue to be hurt by him, but I don't know how to turn off one area without affecting the other. Does that make sense? Any thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Makes alot of sense hon.... and I completely understand.
My ex-abf would take off and I would not know where he was and he would not answer the cell phone. Drove me insane for a long while.... Unfortunally there is nothing you can do to Change his behavior. You have to focus on you .... get to a calmer place ..... and then decide what you want and the boundries you will set, then follow through with them.
I found balance in Al-anon, Theraphy and SR. I read alot of books and try really hard to keep busy so I dont have the time to dwell so much. I know it does not sound like much in the middle of the hurt and anger.... but its starting, slowly, to work for me.
*hugs*
My ex-abf would take off and I would not know where he was and he would not answer the cell phone. Drove me insane for a long while.... Unfortunally there is nothing you can do to Change his behavior. You have to focus on you .... get to a calmer place ..... and then decide what you want and the boundries you will set, then follow through with them.
I found balance in Al-anon, Theraphy and SR. I read alot of books and try really hard to keep busy so I dont have the time to dwell so much. I know it does not sound like much in the middle of the hurt and anger.... but its starting, slowly, to work for me.
*hugs*
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
I totally feel you!! I had to respond to you becauise this was my biggest problem with my bf too... It's infuriating, isn't it?
My bf did the same thing to me for over a year, his not being thoughtful enough to stay in touch with me was our biggest problem and ultimately became the way I knew he was drinking/using. Because when he wasn't he'd call me 40 times a day. His unreliability and dishonesty about whether he'd used or not were the issues that brought me here, when I couldn't take anymore, and which definitely made me get out of that relationship, at least for now. So I definitely know where you're coming from.
It is sooooo frustrating, and frankly it's a battle you'll probably never win. The reason my bf did this, according to him, was because when he's using he "isolates" himself, and I know he used to do this to his family and friends before I was with him: wouldn't answer the phone, wouldn't call anyone back, etc., til he was done binging. Whether it's the same rationale for your husband, we both experienced the same frustration, worry and hurt feelings.
What I didn't realize realize or accept when I first came here was that I am powerless over his addiction; I can't change or control him, make him do what I want him to do (even if that means just being thoughtful of my feelings and wants in the relationship! I couldn't make him a more courteous alcoholic
). I just can't control him- at the end of the day I had to decide what was best for me, and if this relationship fit into that. For me, it didn't, so we're not in contact right now. Once I looked at the relationship and at him for what he is right now, rather than what I hoped he would turn into one day, I realized thI just needed more; I couldn't do this forever, and nothing was in the works to make me think anything was gonna change anytime soon. So I'm taking this time to work on me- my need to control, my need to "help" him, my low self-esteem, my insane emotional attachment to him, etc. All of those things played a part in the relationship dynamic.
You are struggling with the fallout behaviors from his addiction, and people while in active addiction are enormously selfish. Regardless of the nature of your relationship and whether you love each other, no one and nothing will come before his addiction. It's just one of the unfortunate facts of life.
Read others' stories here, read the stickies at the top of the page here (especially Classic Reading and About Recovery), I would suggest reading "Codependent No More" and "Women Who Love too Much", and try Al Anon meetings. These are all things you can do for yourself to begin to get a handle on your options of living more happily and peacefully-- even while you're still living with him. There is no "right" way, and no rush in figuring out the right path for you. Take your time to decide what you want from this relationship and what you can and cannot accept, with the knowledge that you truly just cannot change him or turn him into something he isn't.
I know you want to "continue to love" your husband. And you can! I still love my boyfriend and I'm not even in contact with him right now. No one expects you to turn off your love. But you can take steps to detach a bit, to see the clearest picture possible of your situation, and do some work on and for yourself in order to make your own life better despite what he's doing.
(hugs)
My bf did the same thing to me for over a year, his not being thoughtful enough to stay in touch with me was our biggest problem and ultimately became the way I knew he was drinking/using. Because when he wasn't he'd call me 40 times a day. His unreliability and dishonesty about whether he'd used or not were the issues that brought me here, when I couldn't take anymore, and which definitely made me get out of that relationship, at least for now. So I definitely know where you're coming from.
It is sooooo frustrating, and frankly it's a battle you'll probably never win. The reason my bf did this, according to him, was because when he's using he "isolates" himself, and I know he used to do this to his family and friends before I was with him: wouldn't answer the phone, wouldn't call anyone back, etc., til he was done binging. Whether it's the same rationale for your husband, we both experienced the same frustration, worry and hurt feelings.
What I didn't realize realize or accept when I first came here was that I am powerless over his addiction; I can't change or control him, make him do what I want him to do (even if that means just being thoughtful of my feelings and wants in the relationship! I couldn't make him a more courteous alcoholic
). I just can't control him- at the end of the day I had to decide what was best for me, and if this relationship fit into that. For me, it didn't, so we're not in contact right now. Once I looked at the relationship and at him for what he is right now, rather than what I hoped he would turn into one day, I realized thI just needed more; I couldn't do this forever, and nothing was in the works to make me think anything was gonna change anytime soon. So I'm taking this time to work on me- my need to control, my need to "help" him, my low self-esteem, my insane emotional attachment to him, etc. All of those things played a part in the relationship dynamic.You are struggling with the fallout behaviors from his addiction, and people while in active addiction are enormously selfish. Regardless of the nature of your relationship and whether you love each other, no one and nothing will come before his addiction. It's just one of the unfortunate facts of life.
Read others' stories here, read the stickies at the top of the page here (especially Classic Reading and About Recovery), I would suggest reading "Codependent No More" and "Women Who Love too Much", and try Al Anon meetings. These are all things you can do for yourself to begin to get a handle on your options of living more happily and peacefully-- even while you're still living with him. There is no "right" way, and no rush in figuring out the right path for you. Take your time to decide what you want from this relationship and what you can and cannot accept, with the knowledge that you truly just cannot change him or turn him into something he isn't.
I know you want to "continue to love" your husband. And you can! I still love my boyfriend and I'm not even in contact with him right now. No one expects you to turn off your love. But you can take steps to detach a bit, to see the clearest picture possible of your situation, and do some work on and for yourself in order to make your own life better despite what he's doing.
(hugs)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: The Jersey Shore
Posts: 8
You wrote: "I have asked that he just call and let me know so I won't worry..."
Welcome Strongone, I'm pretty new here myself and can totally relate to that. I know he isn't doing it purposefully to hurt my feelings, but it DOES HURT MY FEELINGS! He always apologizes later and says it won't happen again, but it does.
I agree with what Cynay said- focus on you, even if you have to do it one minute at a time. My getaway is SR, though I'm more of a lurker than a poster.
And Deax, I've read your story and must say you've sure come a long way. That was a great post!
Thank you all for sharing. I sincerely mean that- it's the people and the ESH here at SR that keep me sane. Well, as sane as I can be right now, lol.
Welcome Strongone, I'm pretty new here myself and can totally relate to that. I know he isn't doing it purposefully to hurt my feelings, but it DOES HURT MY FEELINGS! He always apologizes later and says it won't happen again, but it does.
I agree with what Cynay said- focus on you, even if you have to do it one minute at a time. My getaway is SR, though I'm more of a lurker than a poster.
And Deax, I've read your story and must say you've sure come a long way. That was a great post!
Thank you all for sharing. I sincerely mean that- it's the people and the ESH here at SR that keep me sane. Well, as sane as I can be right now, lol.
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