new here- terrible confession
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1
new here- terrible confession
I can't believe I am going to admit this but I think I hate my 23 year old son. He is a heroin addict and up till now, I have been sad and or angry with him, I still loved him. I don't know what to do.
After years of lying, getting a former girlfriend to use with him, 3 rehab semi-attempts (stayed just long enough for me to think he was really going to do it), a little girl dying in a wreck because of his reckless behavior, and his emotional abuse of his wife whom I adore, I still loved him...didn't like him much, prayed for him constantly but I loved him.
This weekend I found out that he was responsible for introducing a friend of his wife (who was 4 years younger than him) to heroin because then his wife would not be able to leave him for this better man one day (which was never a real chance to happen in any way) as the friend would be a heroin addict too. Also, he could make money selling it to the friend. The friend hung himself last month because he couldn't see being free of the drug ever and hated using it. AND I also found out this weekend that the whole time he was in jail for the last three months he was using because his birth mom gave him cash on his books. That whole time he was telling me how he was so happy to be clean, how he was ready to start a better life and so on and so forth and I believed him.
I don't even know what to feel anymore. How can I feel so numb to my baby boy? I don't want to see him, talk to him, or anything ever again. I feel like he a truly bad person because even when he was clean, he was the most selfish, conceited lazy person I have ever met.
I didn't get to raise him as his birth mom ran off with him aft the age of 11 and we didn't get him back until 20....he started using when he was 16.
Am I a bad mom and person for feeling this way? I used to love him and now all I feel is disgust and then nothing. I am not sure I want him in my life even if he is getting clean now (court ordered rehab home "its different this time mom"). I know that is wrong...I know I need to forgive and let go but all I can think of is how many people's lives he has hurt or ended because he wants to live the "Breaking Bad" life...once an actual dream...to be a drug maker and seller and get rich and powerful doing it. I just feel shame and hate for him now. How can I be mom and feel that?
My stomach hurts just admitting this...
After years of lying, getting a former girlfriend to use with him, 3 rehab semi-attempts (stayed just long enough for me to think he was really going to do it), a little girl dying in a wreck because of his reckless behavior, and his emotional abuse of his wife whom I adore, I still loved him...didn't like him much, prayed for him constantly but I loved him.
This weekend I found out that he was responsible for introducing a friend of his wife (who was 4 years younger than him) to heroin because then his wife would not be able to leave him for this better man one day (which was never a real chance to happen in any way) as the friend would be a heroin addict too. Also, he could make money selling it to the friend. The friend hung himself last month because he couldn't see being free of the drug ever and hated using it. AND I also found out this weekend that the whole time he was in jail for the last three months he was using because his birth mom gave him cash on his books. That whole time he was telling me how he was so happy to be clean, how he was ready to start a better life and so on and so forth and I believed him.
I don't even know what to feel anymore. How can I feel so numb to my baby boy? I don't want to see him, talk to him, or anything ever again. I feel like he a truly bad person because even when he was clean, he was the most selfish, conceited lazy person I have ever met.
I didn't get to raise him as his birth mom ran off with him aft the age of 11 and we didn't get him back until 20....he started using when he was 16.
Am I a bad mom and person for feeling this way? I used to love him and now all I feel is disgust and then nothing. I am not sure I want him in my life even if he is getting clean now (court ordered rehab home "its different this time mom"). I know that is wrong...I know I need to forgive and let go but all I can think of is how many people's lives he has hurt or ended because he wants to live the "Breaking Bad" life...once an actual dream...to be a drug maker and seller and get rich and powerful doing it. I just feel shame and hate for him now. How can I be mom and feel that?
My stomach hurts just admitting this...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, bkn.
Welcome to SR.
Very sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us.
No advice, just hello and welcome.
This is a supportive place.
I’m sure others will be along soon to say hi as well.
Welcome to SR.
Very sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us.
No advice, just hello and welcome.
This is a supportive place.
I’m sure others will be along soon to say hi as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 421
Hi there.
Of course you are not a bad person. Please do not think that way.
The very fact that YOU are on this recovery forum shows that you are a loving, caring mother. You have a good heart. Bad people don't even feel guilty.
But do not let people take advantage of that. Kindness is not weakness! And you have every right to cut anyone toxic out of your life - yes, even a son - if they do not respect you enough to tell you the truth.
Sending you LOTS of love.
Of course you are not a bad person. Please do not think that way.
The very fact that YOU are on this recovery forum shows that you are a loving, caring mother. You have a good heart. Bad people don't even feel guilty.
But do not let people take advantage of that. Kindness is not weakness! And you have every right to cut anyone toxic out of your life - yes, even a son - if they do not respect you enough to tell you the truth.
Sending you LOTS of love.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Sending out hugs. It is complicated to love an addict when they are your child. I know that many times I hated the addiction and made a bunch of excuses for my son. The truth is, he was aware of his actions and that they would hurt me, but the need for the drug outweighed the choice to knowingly hurt our family. I would recommend going no contact. It gives you time to separate the emotional responses to what your son is doing. He needs to feel the weight of his choices and know he is no longer able to manipulate you. Anger is a good thing sometimes. It will help you to make the choice of going no contact. Just know, your heart is okay and you will be okay. How heart breaking to hear of some people who are now gone from this earth due to Heroin. It is the most evil thing on this planet.
Hugs
TT
Hugs
TT
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Hi bkn,
Welcome.
Oh how I know that feeling. When my son was deep in his addiction to opiates and I was so co-dependent I didn't know any other way, I used to fantasize about what a relief it would be if my son just over dosed. I was desperate for my pain to end - in what I thought would be an easy way - rather than put in the work to recover myself.
I feel your pain, I want you to know you are NOT a bad person. You are a human being just trying to wake up and live each day. Some days are really hard. Please know you are not alone. Take care bkn.
Welcome.
Oh how I know that feeling. When my son was deep in his addiction to opiates and I was so co-dependent I didn't know any other way, I used to fantasize about what a relief it would be if my son just over dosed. I was desperate for my pain to end - in what I thought would be an easy way - rather than put in the work to recover myself.
I feel your pain, I want you to know you are NOT a bad person. You are a human being just trying to wake up and live each day. Some days are really hard. Please know you are not alone. Take care bkn.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
You are not a bad person.. you can still love your son.... just not his actions.... Sometimes we must love from a distance....
I have always said that I will be there for my children... but they must pay the consequences for their actions... it is not up to me to help them out. I will always love my children, but if it has to be from a distance, so be it.. . for their sake and mine.
May you find forgiveness thru the hate and enjoy the peace that it brings.
T
I have always said that I will be there for my children... but they must pay the consequences for their actions... it is not up to me to help them out. I will always love my children, but if it has to be from a distance, so be it.. . for their sake and mine.
May you find forgiveness thru the hate and enjoy the peace that it brings.
T
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 3
It’s okay to feel this way. It’s actually better than feeling the love and guilt that keep us trapped in relationship with them. They do not have concern for us or themselves for that matter and the best thing you can do is to create the boundary you have in order to take care of yourself. This is the best thing for both of you. I hope I can get there.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Sending hugs!!
I have often felt feelings of hate and then would feel so guilty and wonder what was wrong with me? Not surprising! Another way we seem to find as parents to feel guilty or take the blame, LOL
Hate and Love are very strong feelings. I don't think we can feel hate unless we really have feelings toward the addict.
Get to a meeting. Embrace the words: You didn't Cause this, You can't control it, and You can't cure it.
Also, hand him over to his Higher Power and LEt Go!
I have often felt feelings of hate and then would feel so guilty and wonder what was wrong with me? Not surprising! Another way we seem to find as parents to feel guilty or take the blame, LOL
Hate and Love are very strong feelings. I don't think we can feel hate unless we really have feelings toward the addict.
Get to a meeting. Embrace the words: You didn't Cause this, You can't control it, and You can't cure it.
Also, hand him over to his Higher Power and LEt Go!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
I could have written the same about my 28 year old daughter. Most days I really hate her. I do not feel guilty about that either. We've been on a roller coaster of clean and using for almost a decade. With each relapse she gets meaner and nastier and I always seem to be her scapegoat. Not sure what to do about it but having a safe place to say it certainly helps.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
In our minds, the addict is two people....the little boy or girl we raised and the addict. We love the little person. And IMHO it is perfectly normal to dislike (or hate) the addict intensely. It does not make us bad people.
I left the country while my son was still in active addiction. I MOVED OUT OF THE COUNTRY! I had to put thousands of miles between him and me. I didn’t do it for him. I surrendered. I accepted the fact that he was going to live his life and I had absolutely zero control of him or his drug use. I moved for me and my husband. I still loved my son....the good person I knew was in there....but loving him from a distance was much safer for me.
Within six months of our moving.....he got clean and sober. That was almost four years ago. I’m not suggesting that our moving was what caused him to get clean and sober but it allowed me to live my life and allowed him room to make his own decisions. I don’t necessarily recommend geographical relocation unless the motivations are “right”. My motivation had nothing to do with him getting clean and sober and everything to do with giving my husband and I the opportunity to live our lives without the constant interference of addiction. It was for us....for me.....not for our son.
It’s funny. Motivations have everything to do with it. As soon as the motivation shifted from doing “things” to “help him get clean and sober” to doing things to improve my own life......a dynamic change occurred.
I hope you can find a way to make that shift....and if hating him is what it takes.....so be it. There are many who won’t understand....and that’s ok. There are just as many who do.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
I left the country while my son was still in active addiction. I MOVED OUT OF THE COUNTRY! I had to put thousands of miles between him and me. I didn’t do it for him. I surrendered. I accepted the fact that he was going to live his life and I had absolutely zero control of him or his drug use. I moved for me and my husband. I still loved my son....the good person I knew was in there....but loving him from a distance was much safer for me.
Within six months of our moving.....he got clean and sober. That was almost four years ago. I’m not suggesting that our moving was what caused him to get clean and sober but it allowed me to live my life and allowed him room to make his own decisions. I don’t necessarily recommend geographical relocation unless the motivations are “right”. My motivation had nothing to do with him getting clean and sober and everything to do with giving my husband and I the opportunity to live our lives without the constant interference of addiction. It was for us....for me.....not for our son.
It’s funny. Motivations have everything to do with it. As soon as the motivation shifted from doing “things” to “help him get clean and sober” to doing things to improve my own life......a dynamic change occurred.
I hope you can find a way to make that shift....and if hating him is what it takes.....so be it. There are many who won’t understand....and that’s ok. There are just as many who do.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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