Whitewingeddove

I haven't posted in a very long time. approx. 18 mos ago, I called child protective services on my AS and his GF to protect my then 2 year old granddaughter. She came to live with us for a few months, her mom went to treatment shortly after, my son was arrested on a warrant and then went to treatment. Things stabilized in a few mos, but their relationship did not survive. My GD went back to live with her mom at the treatment facility with my son having supervised visits for months, before finally getting 50/50 conditional custody (conditional under DCF supervision for 6 mos min) a couple months ago. He had initially relapsed 4 months into his recovery, but got into treatment and had just celebrated 1 year clean. He satisfactorily completed treatment court in June, and was discharged from probation which he had been on for years. He got engaged in July of this year, has been working full time for almost 7 mos (a record) and was happy as could be. we all were. Now he's back in a full blown relapse. I got a call yesterday from the fiancé asking me to pick up our GD (from their home) and bring her back to her mom. DCF was called this morning, and an emergency protective order is being filed to keep him from seeing his daughter until a visit can be arranged in the dcf office. I am beyond devastated.......there are simply no words.... No one has had contact with him all night until now. His fiancé told him she is "done". I get it.......but my heart is so very heavy and I just don't know how I can do this anymore.....I'm so very very afraid, and I'm so very very tired.....

Jaeger

WWD- I am so sorry to hear about your sons relapse. I will keep him and you in my prayers.

Morning Glory

I'm so sorry. I've been going through this for years with my son. He has 4 children from 1 to 18 years old with 3 different mothers. It's really hard. My heart gets heavy also and I get kicked into worry mode. It's always harder after a period of recovery. It takes time to get the armor back on and adjust.

Just remember you are not alone and we go through this together and support each other through hard times. I recently had to send my grandson back to his mother. My son was drinking and driving with my grandson in the car. It always seems like I'm the mean mom. I do what I have to do. Just do the next right thing. That's all any of us can do.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear WWD, sending big hugs and support to you. Is the Mother still sober? Keep that as a positive in your heart. Your son is not done yet. These wise words were spoken by Kindeyes, and her posts are very very supportive. go back and read them to see how she was able to regain her life (even when her grandchildren couldn't see her) and how by stepping back, her son is walking his own path (and in recovery today.) It is SO HARD after having some sober time under our belts with our loved ones. Relapse is like a broken record.
I too am dealing with this (except no grand children), and I know how very hard it is to separate from the drama and the turmoil.

Whitewingeddove

yes, my granddaughter's mom is still sober. Thank god.
I'm in a pity party phase for the past 24 hours. Keep thinking about how things have been for the past year, all the progress, and all that is lost. Heart is aching for so many reasons. Fear, worry, mind going 100 mph. The relationship re-established with my son & his little girl. the connection, the love, the pride he had in getting 50/50 custody back after losing custody 18 mos ago...Picking her up at his house on Sunday and bringing her back to her mother, being honest about his relapse with her and watching him say goodbye to his daughter, watching the tears in his eyes, but yet being po'd that he was high. Listening to her say "bye daddy, love you, see you soon" hearing him say he'd call her in a couple days, which I'm sure he didn't....sorry for the rant........having a rough morning.....

He messaged me out of the blue yesterday telling me he was so sorry for all the worry he has put his father and I through the past few days and that he wished he hadn't relapsed. I told him to not worry about us, but to worry about himself, but that I did appreciate the thoughts/words. I had 3 million other things I wanted to say, but kept most of it to myself, other than to say I wished he would get to a meeting at a minimum. I know he had appts with counselors. Hope he keeps them. He's still working (at the moment) which I am hoping is a positive thing, as with all past relapses, he has quit work. I also told him we loved him unconditionally and tried to offer some words of encouragement. This is so damn hard.....I want my peace of mind back. I want a life......I'm feeling so paralyzed...

Ilovemysonjj

Just let go because the future is not yours to control
Great big GIANT hugs to you WWD.

Whitewingeddove

don't know how.....isn't that kind of like saying "just say no" to the addict? sigh........

BellaBlue

whitewingeddove, my heart goes out to you. I know how awful it is just to deal with my son, but there are no grands to further break my heart. All I can say is be gentle and try to take care of yourself through this time. May God strengthen and carry you.

again2016

Hugs to you and your husband, there are no easy answers, relapse is painful after we have seen our children show they can fight this but it is a disease and with that I guess there are relapses They are painful to all ....especially the addict trying to continue the fight.

Keep coming back, we all have been where you are right now

Kindeyes

Hey WWD
I sent you a private message in response to your message to me.

One thing I left out of my message to you was my grandson. I was one of his primary care givers for seven years before his mother decided that she no longer wanted him to have contact with his paternal family. It's a long story but he just had his 11th birthday last week.....and I have not seen or talked to him since he was seven....his mother won't allow it.

And yes.....I had to come to accept it. That was difficult. But I have hope that someday, when he is old enough, that he will contact me and hear my story and maybe he too will find peace. I do not hold any anger or resentment in my heart toward his mother. I understand. I don't agree with her decision but I understand.

You are stronger than you think you are.....and yes.....you will survive this most current relapse.

Hugs to you from another mother
KE

Whitewingeddove

Just found out that my son was fired last night from his job. He took such pride in this job when he was sober. At 25, 7 mos on this job was the longest he had ever held one, and due to his long lapses in employment, it took him several months once he got sober the last time to find one. He apparently "lost it" and went back to a "friend's" and started using again.
His GF said to me "I don't know what to do". I told her I didn't either, because if I did, I would have done it a long time ago.. I reached out on a FB message (been trying not to do this, other than the occasional "I love you"). asked him again to think about rehab/detox. Not as a cure, but to "stop the bleeding" and get a clear head and feet back on the ground. He said he's "not going back, already been 9 times, and this time he has to "do it on his own".......He also told me "trust me, it's not as bad as everyone thinks". I told him I loved him with all my heart, but that "I call BULLSH!T" on all of it..... I guess "not as bad..." must be why he has an emergency hearing to take away his unsupervised time with his daughter on Thurs, and why he got fired....... I didn't mention that last part......I was trying to refrain from lecturing (for ME), but he knows all this......
I told the GF I can't tell her what to do, but if I was her, I would consider NOT allowing him back into the home next time he calls at 1:00 am in the morning unless and until he will go into treatment.

He's been to rehab 9 times in his young life. He completed EVERY time and never walked away. So I started questioning why he won't go, but the answer is simple......because he doesn't want to stop......

Whitewingeddove

I didn't go to the hearing today.....it started 1/2 hour ago. It's the first hearing in family court I have ever missed since everything started 18 mos ago.
I stayed away......too much pain. Trying to let go of what I can.

Actually had a near panic attack. The more I try to let some things go, the more I realize how sick I have become. I guess it's my version of withdrawl......gagging, shaking, near hyperventilation.....etc...

OMG this just sucks

Kindeyes

Awwww....I so understand that gut wrenching feeling. Breathe and do something nice for yourself today. The body gets so used to being all tensed up, frightened, and stressed. There is a withdrawal reaction when we try to refocus and redirect that energy.

Take care of you.

Hugs
ke

Ilovemysonjj

Dear WWD, so true. We are addicted to the addict, and when we remove ourselves from their day to day, the core of our addiction rears its ugly head. I have many times felt that burn in my spirit which is the need to "fix" my son.
Its been so hard for me, as JJ has also done well in programs, then he relapses.
I have heard that from JJ as well, "I have to make it on my own.". Okay I must respect that. "On my Own".

Whitewingeddove

my son messaged me Friday. He wanted to let me know that "family court went well" and that he had "4 days clean". Not much he acknowledged, but he's getting through 1 day at a time. Now that he is no longer working nights, he is going back to NA meetings on Sun & Thurs nights.

It was decided at court that he will still have my GD on the weekends, but it must be supervised. Either by his fiancé, or if she has to work, by us. they will go back to court in Dec, and if he's had clean UAs and is consistent with his visits, he'll get his 1/2 time back with his daughter.

Trying to not get my hopes up, but praying every day. Less than 24 hours later, I'm right back to the "what if's" and anxiety... Gosh this is so hard.

Really been wishing he would go back to rehab. He does not want to do so. I often wonder if I am just wishing this mostly for me? After 9 times in rehab, which he always completed, it's the one time I am at peace for 3 weeks or so.... (other than when he's been in jail). He tells me that this is his fight, and that after 9 times in rehab, and countless IOP meetings, he "has the tools...and its up to him to use them". He does see a therapist and a psych doctor.

This letting go crap seems impossible..........sigh.......

todibo538

Hi, Whitewingdove, I love Stevie Nicks too! My heart breaks for you because my heart is broken for my son, too. He's 21 and tho I do not have grandchildren to "further break my heart", as another poster said, it is still the most difficult thing in the world to disconnect from your own child. I literally could not get through this without God. He is my Rock and my Redeemer, and I take everything to Him in prayer. I have given him my son and his addiction, and letting Him carry this tremendous burden. I ask Him for wisdom in dealing with C, and for what to say and what to do for him. He has directly answered prayers, such as not letting C be devious, and to reveal it if he is doing the wrong thing. Do you go to AA or NA meetings, Whitewing? These can help SO much, and I'm sure you know that you don't have to be an addict to go to the meetings. It is too easy to get isolated and depressed in this situation, because it is so humiliating and people will judge. But reach out, please. Talk to us and to people in the meetings. You won't feel so alone. My son just came home last Friday from a 28 day stay at rehab, and last night got drunk. He was home for 4 days and stole $10 from his Grandpa to buy beer. I have kicked him out for good, because this was his last chance to live with me. He said "I hope I die tonite" so I called the police and he is now in the psych ward at our hospital. The rehab he just got out of wanted him to go to a halfway house for 6 months and he refused. Obviously, he should have gone, and probably will now since he is homeless when he gets released from the hospital. Our stories are heartbreaking, but thank God there is a place like this , and NA/AA to go for support.

Whitewingeddove

First counseling session tomorrow (in quite a while). Where to begin? Co-dependency issues spanning 28 years (first 18 with my then active DH, who has now been clean for 10 years, later with my son).....seems like it might take a few sessions just to get the story out.......

on a positive note, my son was still clean as of yesterday. He acknowledged this is "one hour at a time" and he is just trying to live in the moment right now.......I fought the urge to tell him that I know ALL about "one hour at a time".....

CodeJob

I hope the counseling helps ease you rmind WhiteWingDove.

Take care of you!

Ilovemysonjj

Praying for your peace and acceptance WWD. Your son sounds to me like he is very self aware of his role in his recovery.
Hugs!

Whitewingeddove

He's still hanging in......16 days now. Me, I've been to another counseling appointment, which went ok. I also am now back on anti-depressants (Zoloft). I was diagnosed with clinical depression about 15+ years ago, but have never managed to stay with the plan, and eventually feel better, and subsequently stop taking my medication..... sigh......

I'd forgotten about the initial side effects. fortunately I soon remembered that they DO pass (for me) after a couple of weeks, but for now I feel like I just drank 5 cups of coffee........Made the mistake of taking my dose before bedtime last night. Took 2 hours to fall asleep, so I don't think I will be doing that again.

The hope is to stop my "racing/200 mph thoughts" in my head. Or at least slow them down to where I will be better able to work on my issues.