She's back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
She's back
That old familiar pain and worry has crept back into my life...my oldest daughter, my beloved recovering daughter, is causing huge dramatic issues with my elderly parents, her in-laws and my ex husband.
Her husband has filed divorce papers on her, she's running scared, doesn't know what to do or where to go. I'm not positive about her recovery...she couldn't afford the Suboxone anymore so she went cold turkey and stopped taking it.
She hasn't contacted me F2F in months, but she's contacting all the other ppl in her life, for money, a place to live, on and on...
that old frozen helpless feeling is overwhelming me...if she contacts me, I think that I'm not strong enough to say no. My enabling ways are still in me...I'm starting to feel sorry for her and wanting to fix all her problems..I know in my mind that I can't fix her but my heart is pounding, that old feeling is back. And her baby...my only grandson...what will happen to him? How do I stay strong when her world is about to crumble? I feel like my world is about to explode.
I needed to talk to SR, what would/should I do if she contacts me?
TF
Her husband has filed divorce papers on her, she's running scared, doesn't know what to do or where to go. I'm not positive about her recovery...she couldn't afford the Suboxone anymore so she went cold turkey and stopped taking it.
She hasn't contacted me F2F in months, but she's contacting all the other ppl in her life, for money, a place to live, on and on...
that old frozen helpless feeling is overwhelming me...if she contacts me, I think that I'm not strong enough to say no. My enabling ways are still in me...I'm starting to feel sorry for her and wanting to fix all her problems..I know in my mind that I can't fix her but my heart is pounding, that old feeling is back. And her baby...my only grandson...what will happen to him? How do I stay strong when her world is about to crumble? I feel like my world is about to explode.
I needed to talk to SR, what would/should I do if she contacts me?
TF
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Hello Twofish,
It is so easy to step up and solve problems for us enablers.
I really like this Martha Beck article because it reminds me that solving is not necessarily my role in someone else's problems.
How to Comfort People
It is so easy to step up and solve problems for us enablers.
I really like this Martha Beck article because it reminds me that solving is not necessarily my role in someone else's problems.
How to Comfort People
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
.if she contacts me, I think that I'm not strong enough to say no.
you are already setting yourself up with the following thought processes:
HER life is in turmoil (whose isn't??)
She SURELY will ask YOU for HELP (she hasn't yet, mind you)
You will not be able to say NO (you already affirmed that)
You can FIX THIS
how about if just this once you let HER figure this out. without your HELP. just like every other grown up responsible person does in life. that SHE has a crisis is not YOUR problem. i'll say it again, HER problems are not YOUR problems.
instead of seeing this as your chance to jump in, see it as your chance to allow HER the dignity to figure it out for herself.
you are already setting yourself up with the following thought processes:
HER life is in turmoil (whose isn't??)
She SURELY will ask YOU for HELP (she hasn't yet, mind you)
You will not be able to say NO (you already affirmed that)
You can FIX THIS
how about if just this once you let HER figure this out. without your HELP. just like every other grown up responsible person does in life. that SHE has a crisis is not YOUR problem. i'll say it again, HER problems are not YOUR problems.
instead of seeing this as your chance to jump in, see it as your chance to allow HER the dignity to figure it out for herself.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
These are the things I've done TF.
Do some research and find numbers of places who help women and children in her area. I've seen rehabs for women who let you take your children with you.
If she calls have all the numbers ready and give them to her. If she chooses not to use them she probably doesn't really want to work for the help she needs.
If you think your grandchild is neglected or in trouble call child protective services.
She has lots of choices that don't involve you TF. There might not be any way for you to avoid how you are feeling, but you can have a plan of action prepared so you aren't caught off guard if she calls.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Do some research and find numbers of places who help women and children in her area. I've seen rehabs for women who let you take your children with you.
If she calls have all the numbers ready and give them to her. If she chooses not to use them she probably doesn't really want to work for the help she needs.
If you think your grandchild is neglected or in trouble call child protective services.
She has lots of choices that don't involve you TF. There might not be any way for you to avoid how you are feeling, but you can have a plan of action prepared so you aren't caught off guard if she calls.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
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