Tazleana

Okay so um I was just wondering What should/Do I need to know about Having a loved one who is in rehab.(Boyfriend) And How Do I support them and their recovery? What I do I even say to them? How do I manage being away from them? And what it means or could possibly mean for our Relationship?

Oh and um
•I am completely sober (Always been my entire life)

Anyways any advice or anything like that would be much appreciated thanks. Hope you're all enjoying your day. ♥

hope778

Tazleana - Just wanted to say I'm in the same boat and you are not alone in trying to figure this all out. And there is a lot to figure out! My AH is away at rehab for the first time and I'm working through the same questions you asked. I write him. We're not able to speak yet per their rules. Writing is therapeutic. I listen to music. It helps. I'm also using this time to work on myself... Speaking with someone at my church, writing here, and truthfully praying for the best while preparing for the worst. Unfortunately that is what we have to do - be realistic with ourselves that our power is very limited over these drugs. I am praying for all of us and hope the best for you!

Cocorosie

Hey guys,
I'm not in rehab, but I'm the drinker in my relationship. I think the one thing going for both of you is that you provide each other balance, your partners that is.

I know for me I don't want to be given a mandate or ultimatum, because I get my back-up, but I do want him to acknowledge I have a problem.
I also find there are times when I feel like talking about it, and times when I want it to be ignored and I get snappy. Maybe choose your timing.

I want him to be there, but not be my drill Sargent, try and be my moral compass, but not to push to much....Its ultimately my/their decision. And I don't think it can be forced.

Maybe think about activities you can do upon there return that doesn't involve alcohol. Then you have something to look forward too when you are reunited.

I know your probably looking for advice from family and friends, but I thought a drunks insight in the same but reverse situation might help.

Also helps me to see what my partner might be feeling like. He is away from work for a week at a time regularly. I sure I worry, so I need to start considering him first.

hope778

Coco - It really helps hearing from the other side! It's invaluable really. Thanks for chiming in. It was good advice.

Thumpalumpacus

I was the alcoholic in my relationship.

I wanted to know that she'll love me no matter what. I wanted to know where her boundaries were. I wanted her gentle suasion, not her scolding -- nor her false accusations when I was taking active steps against my drinking. I wanted her to remember that my insobriety did not invalidate my feelings.

hope778

That last line is a good one. My AH has told me it feels basically like no one sees him as a person anymore at times because of his actions. I still know the "him" buried deep below the addiction so I am trying to always remember that. Another point you made -- "I wanted to know that she'll love me no matter what." I do feel this way with my AH - I will love him no matter what. There have been a few times where I've set boundaries and he's claimed that he doesn't believe I love him bc of the boundary set... For example, wouldn't let him stay at the house when he was caught using again. Wouldn't you say that was manipulation? I think I know the answer... Just wondering what you think having been on the other side. Thank you for your response!

Tazleana

Hope778~ Thank-you for that, it really helps to know that I am not alone and that I am not the only who has these thoughts continuously spinning around in my head. (Even though i knew others were/are in the same boat it just helps hearing it you?)

So thank-you and I wish you and your husband all the best and happiness.

hope778

You're welcome. And you're definitely not alone. It helps to talk to someone who has gone through or is going through what you're going through!

maia1234

T & H,
Good for you for reaching out for help and trying to educate yourself on addiction. You have to understand living with an addict is always about them and living with a recovering addicts is all about them. Which it needs to be for him to truly recover. It will not be eazy, just giving you a heads up.

It is very hard for an addict to work a program and get sober. Go and read the new to recovery forum and see how these people struggle. You will read that the odds are stacked against them for staying sober. Some times it takes many tries in rehab to finally do it. I just want you to comprehend what they will be challenged with when they have to face the world.

I will say there is help for you. Look up attending an alanon meeting or an open aa meeting. Go to the friends and family forum on sr and read about setting up boundaries. While he is away you should be working on how you have become an enabler to your addict. They say it isnt my job to reward him for his sobriety or punish him for his drunkenness. You are no different then any other spouse enabling our addict to use us.

There is a lot to learn to help yourself. I am sorry to be so tough with these words, but we all have learned we can not love our addicts addiction away.

Hugs my friends, keep asking away, sadly, we all understand what you are going through.

Thumpalumpacus

That is certainly attempting manipulation -- after all, in one sense he's making love a conditional thing. I think all us addicts do that at one time or another; I know I was guilty of it.

AnonWife

Its beautiful your looking to understand what your boyfriend is experiencing, and asking how to support him.

I can see with dual lenses because once upon a time I was addicted to prescribed meds and I mixed alcohol with them too. My husband was my biggest support and rock. He encouraged me to be honest with my doctor and helped me through the recovery process with his support.

I appreciate what another poster said, make sure you dont begin to think of him differently. See him for who he is, not for what affect the addiction had on him, my husband did this and he kept things open between us where I felt safe.to talk and share with him. Some days I would not feel good, be depressed, anxious, sad. The body goes through a lot and like with depression you cant magically snap out of it but there is an ebb and flow. I know I hurt my husband at times with words or actions but I felt so crummy. He understood and didnt take it personally. We grew closer and had our bond strengthened.

Now Im fine, its been over 5 years and I got through it and grew from it. My husband however has been abusing his meds from the VA and not dealing with some heavy emotional issues. Its tough being on this side watching him suffer.

I am trying to mimic the support and encouragement he gave me. I also began looking for online support just like you. Im using some guides from Smart Recovery and have attended some of their family meetings. Its mostly about dealing with my own feelings and making sure I take care of myself and dont become too anxious. I have been eating better, began doing yoga again and have been at it a couple months. Im trying not to change myself in terms of my positive outlook but Im making sure I see things clearly. Im not too caught up in boundaries but these are discussed at Smart. I only make a boundary where something has been making me uncomfortable and I tell myself cant do that again, wont expose myself to that situation again. Its fairly simple and works for me. Ive found a few things helpful so far. One is getting clear facts on addiction. I read from National Institute Drug Abuse, great help. Im reading a book I heard about called Beyond Addiction Science and Kindness Help People Change. Love it, inspirational and hopeful. It talks about the influence we have and how powerful it is in dealing with addiction.

Overall, try to be yourself. Maintain your standards and values. Be patient, try to do things with him you both enjoy, listen, be honest. Take care of yourself, dont take everything personally as he recovers. Read and educate yourself on addiction, know he could relapse but its common and what he does after is whats important. Know above all else your attitude and outlool will shape your emotions, and no two people handle all this the same way. Each person recovers in their own way, and we as family work through it in different ways.

Tazleana

Thank-You for you insight xo. And Yes I totally agree about the seeing the person for who they are, and I Do x and I love him no matter what. So thank-you for your truly valuable insights of someone who has had support and then being the support of someone else. Basically having insight into both sides of the topic really helps with perspective and Understanding. 😊