Son's Support in recovery?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 20
Son's Support in recovery?
I was a text book enabler for years, didn't know I was one, didn't know what an enabler was. Six years of things getting progressively worse with me trying to manage and fix it. You all have seen that movie.
8 months ago I was at wits end. I met a New Friend who picked up on what was happening in my family. He is in recovery. My New Friend told me I was enabling my son and would eventually kill him if I didn't change.
As hard as it was to do I followed his advice since nothing I had done/tried had any effect.
Within 2 months following my New Friend's advice my son told me he was miserable, needed help and asked to go to rehab.
He went through a week of detox. Then a 30day resident program followed by 30 days in LTR.
He is now living in a halfway house and doing well. He will be six months sober the 1st week of January.
He is attending lots of meetings and doing a lot of volunteer work helping others in recovery. He seems to have really embraced the recovery community and enjoys volunteering so he is working just not for a check.
I pay his rent at the halfway house and give him a weekly stipend, just enough to eat and buy fuel for his car.
I think I am good with this arrangement for six more months before pushing him to fend for himself. My son is 23.
Is this arrangement hurting him in any way? Once I admitted to myself how much damage I had done by enabling all those years I am unsure what is help and what is enabling.
8 months ago I was at wits end. I met a New Friend who picked up on what was happening in my family. He is in recovery. My New Friend told me I was enabling my son and would eventually kill him if I didn't change.
As hard as it was to do I followed his advice since nothing I had done/tried had any effect.
Within 2 months following my New Friend's advice my son told me he was miserable, needed help and asked to go to rehab.
He went through a week of detox. Then a 30day resident program followed by 30 days in LTR.
He is now living in a halfway house and doing well. He will be six months sober the 1st week of January.
He is attending lots of meetings and doing a lot of volunteer work helping others in recovery. He seems to have really embraced the recovery community and enjoys volunteering so he is working just not for a check.
I pay his rent at the halfway house and give him a weekly stipend, just enough to eat and buy fuel for his car.
I think I am good with this arrangement for six more months before pushing him to fend for himself. My son is 23.
Is this arrangement hurting him in any way? Once I admitted to myself how much damage I had done by enabling all those years I am unsure what is help and what is enabling.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
What kind of things did you do to enable?
Smart Recovery says its ok to do things to support and encourage recovery and positive goals. They suggest we measure what we do with tangible help like finances, material goods. And always be there to listen, provide emotional support and encouragement if we are up to it.
Smart Recovery says its ok to do things to support and encourage recovery and positive goals. They suggest we measure what we do with tangible help like finances, material goods. And always be there to listen, provide emotional support and encouragement if we are up to it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 20
I (we his family) were too free with money while he was in school. To quick to believe his explanations for all the things that didn't make sense. When I would get mad and our lives would blow up. He would be really sorry and commit that he was going to do better. I would take his word and the cycle continued but getting worse.
We knew he had a problem but he refused help because he said he could handle it on his on and many times he appeared to be handling it but he was only hiding it. Finally he got so out of control he couldn't hide it or come up with lies big enough to cover.
We knew he had a problem but he refused help because he said he could handle it on his on and many times he appeared to be handling it but he was only hiding it. Finally he got so out of control he couldn't hide it or come up with lies big enough to cover.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: irvington, ny
Posts: 30
Similar experience with daughter almost three years ago, although her dangerous alcohol use was extreme for several months, not years.
While my daughter was in long term rehab, we learned several things,
1) the importance of a recovery job (every job has dignity), to learn how to be responsible and accountable, and to see that she was "capable", besides the value of earned money
2) did not "offer" (hard to do) but waited for her to ask for help> if unreasonable, it was ok to say no without feeling guilty and apologyzing
3) whatever "help" my husband and I gave (and give) we discuss it among ourselves and our support "team", and she discusses with her therapist, who she trusts very much
I no longer obsess over "doing the right thing all the time", her behaviors and attitudes are my guide, one day at a time
Welcome to SR
While my daughter was in long term rehab, we learned several things,
1) the importance of a recovery job (every job has dignity), to learn how to be responsible and accountable, and to see that she was "capable", besides the value of earned money
2) did not "offer" (hard to do) but waited for her to ask for help> if unreasonable, it was ok to say no without feeling guilty and apologyzing
3) whatever "help" my husband and I gave (and give) we discuss it among ourselves and our support "team", and she discusses with her therapist, who she trusts very much
I no longer obsess over "doing the right thing all the time", her behaviors and attitudes are my guide, one day at a time
Welcome to SR
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
If he isn't drinking or using you are not enabling him to continue using, but it may enable him to remain dependent.
6 months of recovery is not a long time and the first year is difficult.
Being responsible and working helps build self esteem. It gives a person confidence with the knowledge that they can take care of themselves. Maybe you can start helping him set some goals now while you help him for 6 more months. Maybe he can take some classes and learn new skills and look into what he would enjoy doing for work.
Having no fuel might be the first step to encourage him to find a job. I know my son walked everywhere for a long time. There is also public transportation.
Food and shelter are needs. Fuel is a luxury.
6 months of recovery is not a long time and the first year is difficult.
1) the importance of a recovery job (every job has dignity), to learn how to be responsible and accountable, and to see that she was "capable", besides the value of earned money
Having no fuel might be the first step to encourage him to find a job. I know my son walked everywhere for a long time. There is also public transportation.
Food and shelter are needs. Fuel is a luxury.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Welcome to SR, SadDad57.
I've a son, who is 24, and can relate.
Transitioning to adulthood can be difficult and of course adding substance abuse to the picture makes it even more so. MorningGlory makes a good point with If he isn't drinking or using you are not enabling him to continue using, but it may enable him to remain dependent.
6 months of recovery is not a long time and the first year is difficult.
Hang in there and keep coming back.
I've a son, who is 24, and can relate.
Transitioning to adulthood can be difficult and of course adding substance abuse to the picture makes it even more so. MorningGlory makes a good point with If he isn't drinking or using you are not enabling him to continue using, but it may enable him to remain dependent.
6 months of recovery is not a long time and the first year is difficult.
Hang in there and keep coming back.
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