BlueWisteria

I have been clean and sober over four years. 4/20/2011. I had one relapse and have been in the rooms of recovery since 1990. I had the gift of long term sobriety before the relapse. My brother is an active alcoholic/addict in his late 50s who has all kinds of wreckage from drugs and alcohol about to self-destruct. He is about to lose everything including his health. He has two forms of cancer as a result of drugs and alcohol. Our mother is 81 and very sharp. I went to visit as I do at least once a year. As the only family member in recovery I felt it was my responsibility to say something. I told her that she needed to prepared in her own mind for what is coming. I told her that he is sick and getting sicker. About the resulting two forms of cancer. She wanted to know how he got this cancer. Lung cancer from smoking marijuana and another form of cancer he got from something reckless he did while drunk. All I would say is that only an alcoholic would do something totally out of character basically resulting in accidental death. No different than DUI or an other drinking related accident. I told her that the last time I talked to him he said he thought he was going to die. (However exaggerated that may have been.) I told her that every area of his life was in wreckage and about to self destruct. Including the loss of his family home which she originally helped finance. As he has not ever generated enough income or even provided for his children he has now maxed out all the equity. I previously told her about the paper trail (financial, legal, medical etc.)of wreckage in his life a couple years ago and did not want to go into those details again. I just touched on a few brief points as I mentioned. I hope this was not to harsh for an 81 year old mother to hear. I said don't shoot the messenger, I am just the messenger. She deserves a fair warning to be psychologically prepared for this hurtful scenario. She is also very wealthy and deserves to be appraised of the situation so that she can at least make informed decisions and not be manipulated or blindsided. It was an attempt to prepare her for the shock and pain of these events. I hope she understands this. I would really appreciate any feedback. Thank you.

JD

Let, and expect, adults be adults. I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish.

BlueWisteria

Forewarned is forearmed.

totfit

This all sounds a bit odd. I am sorry to say it, but you might want to examine your motives. The marijuana causing his lung cancer and doing something reckless while drunk causing another cancer sounds a bit of a stretch. I am not sure what you are trying to accomplish either. If she is "sharp" as you say, she likely knows as much as she needed to anyway.

BlueWisteria

It's fact not fiction.
If an active addicts/alcoholic expects financial help from family
he should be making an effort to stay clean and pass a urine test once a week.
Why should a self destructive, abusive, active addict
not be held accountable and be free to use up the family resources
because of his unresolved issues.
Pink elephant in the living room anyone?

JD

I don't disagree that an active addict may not be "deserving" of a hand out. But that's really not your call. It's your mothers money and she can do with it what she wants. You can't control your brother's actions or your mother's. You can only control your own.

I have to believe your mother knows your brothers problems. If she didn't before you've now alerted her. Now it's up to her to decide what she does with that information. If she's as sharp as you stated she'll make a decision that best fits her needs and wished.

BlueWisteria

Yes, that is the point.
She deserves to know the straight facts
in order to make informed decisions whatever they may be.
And also not to be blind sided by the pain and sorrow of his illness
and all the other complete bankruptcy in every area of his life.
"Knowledge is power" not to be manipulated
by a chronic active addict with a law degree.

PuzzledHeart

She deserves to know the facts, that's for certain, but you ought to refrain from giving any other advice about handling the estate, because you're opening yourself up for a long protracted battle if you are accused of unduly influencing your mom's choices.

I'm in a similar situation. I've told my mom and dad that they are free to skip a generation and cut both me and my sister out of the will if they're concerned about how my sister will spend the money. I've also told them that they are free to give the entire estate to my sister because then it means that any financial obligation I have to her is done. But I make great pains NOT to be present when they talk to the estate lawyer, even though they've asked me to participate.

BlueWisteria

My motive is to convey information
so that our mother will not be hurt or manipulated
by an active addict/alcoholic who should be accountable
for his addiction issues if he expects help from the family.
I have no other agenda.

Carpathia

Is it possible your anger at your brother caused you to rationalize going to your mom with information you knew might hurt her? He wasn't actively hurting her, so you actively "caused him" to hurt her by bringing up his moral defects, knowing (probably subconsciously) the effect it would produce.

In my opinion, this is probably the trickiest of mindsets to catch.

I'm sure we all are guilty of doing it at one time or another, but how many of us can actually see it and own it?

In the BB, this is called hiding a bad motive underneath a good one. Thanks for bringing this up. I'll need to examine my own behavior and motives (shudder).

BlueWisteria

And how would you about the true nature of my motives?
You don't know me and you certainly don't know all the facts.
Perhaps you should check your motives
as you are so judgmental and sanctimonious.

My brother has a history of destructive and abusive behavior.
He dangerous to himself and others.

Fabat50

I am sorry about your brother.

Personally, if my mother was in her 80s and getting towards the end of her life in I would say the bare minimum and do what I could to protect her. She can not do anything to change the sad situation so what is to be achieved by burdening her with details that will be painful for her and no doubt make her feel very guilty?

I know my personal take is too late because you have already told her but maybe a bit of damage limitation may be in order?

BlueWisteria

I have visited with my mother three times now. the first visit I touched on some points concerning my brother. the subject of my brother was not discussed since then.
To infer that I am not protecting my mother is totally unsubstantiated.
My brother has abused all the women in the family.
When I was hospitalized for a week with e coli his behavior and attitude
almost caused my death. I had a fever of 105 and he was literally badgering me every day and even badgering the nurses also. He was giving bad medical advice with a bad attitude. If I followed his ill informed advice I would have
died from the unnecessary surgery that I choose not to get no thanks to him.
I had two other medical conditions which he knew nothing about and still he was continually badgering me with his BS medical advice which became so stressful that I developed tachycardia and was taken to ICU. He is abusive and dangerous and he was at his worst when I was in a compromised situation and gravely ill. He cannot be trusted or depended upon and should never be a position to make any medical decisions affecting any family member or any other decisions for that matter. My mother does not not need any of these type of problems and issues. This is not the only time he had the power to abuse me in the medical arena either. ZERO TOLERANCE for abusive men
in a women's life even if its her own brother. Any other man would be history.

Fabat50

I am not getting what your objective or goal is here? Is it to get your Mum to disinherit your brother? Is it to "get back" at your brother for all the hurt he has caused you by demasking him as an evil person to your mother? Is it to ensure that he never has a say in your Mums future care? Something else? If you could explain precisely what you want to achieve then members will be able to leave more appropriate comments for you maybe.

For me, you seem to be so angry with your brother and life in general, that you may not be thinking clearly. What kind of support do you have for yourself? Do you have a counsellor that you can talk some of these things through with?
Does your brother have any contact with your Mum as a matter of interest?

I honestly feel that if this was me and that I had seen my Mum only once a year up until now and she is 81 then I would leave her well out of things and concentrate on finding peace and good health for myself in life in a positive way.

Seren

Hello Blue Wisteria,

I'm sorry about your own health scare and hope you are feeling much stronger.

Has your brother, in his current spiral, contacted your Mom about money or are you just anticipating that he will? Believe me, I understand feeling protective about parents. Both of mine are in their 80's, and I would be furious if I learned that someone were trying to take advantage of them--even if it was a sibling.

Sad truth, though, is that if your Mom is considered competent, she is allowed to do whatever she chooses with her money--including giving some or all of it to your brother.

I am sorry that your brother has abused himself for so much of his life. All of you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

BlueWisteria

I am not trying to influence to influence my mother to disinherit my brother
or my other brother who has been an active addict alcoholic for over 40 years also. My mother is very active and sharp. She plays tennis every day, travels and has many friends. She has the right to make informed decisions. If either one of my brothers expect financial help from family then they should be accountable for their addictions. I am angry with him for his abuse which is just another reason why I keep a safe distance. I know that I cannot afford the luxury of justifiable anger. The wreckage in my brother's life is huge and he has destroyed his whole family and himself with drugs and alcohol. Both my brothers are in their 50s and bankrupt in every area of their lives. They are unstable, dysfunctional, angry, manipulative and dangerous to themselves and others. Especially the first brother. She cannot depend on him. He has used and abused all the women in the family and she needs to be protected from this. I visited her 3 times this year. If I speak about my brother again I will choose my words very carefully and be brief. I will visit her again next month. I will do what I can to stop my brothers from hurting her. Knowledge is power. Forewarned is forearmed. I have been clean and sober 5 years. I had 12 years and relapsed after a divorce. I have been in the rooms of recovery for over 20 years, had great sponsors, was active in the fellowhip, went to many meetings and learned a lot about recovery and alcoholism/addiction.

Seren

I have no critique of your decision to talk to your mother about where things stand with your brother. You made the decision you felt was best for all involved. I also would do everything I could to protect my parents from a sibling's active addiction and/or abuse if I could. After all, you have struggled with addiction yourself and are uniquely qualified to speak to your mother about it now that you are in recovery.

You also have every right to be angry about how he behaved while you were sick and in the hospital. He certainly was not the 'bringer of sunshine' then. Has he been abusive to your mother in the past? Is he abusing her now? Certainly, those would be primary considerations for me.