soberinfinity

Hey guys,

I need some advice. I've been on both sides of the game - I'm in the process of divorcing my alcoholic addict husband and am currently living at my parents. I'm in my mid twenties. I'm am also an alcoholic addict but currently in recovery and working a good program. I've started my sobriety journey in October of 2014 and have had some minor slips along the way but have learned from them and have gone straight back to the program every time. I've been with my parents a little over 4 months now and things are going good.

Here is where my problem lies. Like anyone who has abused substances, I have abused the people I care about the most. I wasn't the type who went missing for days, I was living with my husband in a basement at my in laws. They were all on drugs of some sort. It was an abuse situation by all and it led to me getting arrested while sober in a home raid. These people were very wealthy. You'd never know it by looking at the parents what was going on in the home. My parents were always scared I'm sure of the illegal activity as well as the substances I was using and the very soul destroying relationship.

My mom has being going to my home group with me which is an excellent Joe and Charlie style big book study. She has her own big book which I gave her in 2012 the last time I was sober. She's met my sponsor several times now. This last Thursday was my sponsors 10 year birthday. My mom made a beautiful arrangement of homegrown flowers for her and everything.

Tonight my sponsor and I were on the subject of my mother and the flowers and what a beautiful person she was. She told me that she could tell that my mother had been at the point of complete surrender over me several times and that when she was talking to my sponsor, even though she wasn't saying it my mom wanted to know if she was doing everything right by me. If she was enabling, if she was helping or hurting. You know, like what the right thing to do for me was. Like it was exuding from my mother. And I could see it too this last time, like this strong super educated woman, totally helpless in a church basement having to let me be led by a stranger rather than my mother to recovery. It all just clicked for me. How helpless she must feel, when my sponsor said it. I'm not a parent so I have no real idea but I could get enough of the basic concept that it overwhelmed me.

How do I let her know she's doing the right things? Im absolutely heartbroken over what I've done to her and my dad. I'm scared if I act differently after the conversation with my sponsor she'll think I've taken a turn for the worse, but I just want to hug her and cry. I'm not at the amends stage yet, but feel like there is nothing I can do to right this. I think the most hurtful for them was my marriage to my husband but I am not sure. They've said as much though. I just want to comfort her some how. I've suggested al anon more time than I can count but she will not go. I did catch her reading her big book tonight though. What can I do?

I know I should probably ask my sponsor this but I read this forum regularly and am curious yalls input.

S

RDBplus3

From my experience, TRYING to overcompensate for my past bad behavior with close family members has the tendency to force STRAIN on the sometimes fragile relationship(s) we are living out ... this NEW path we are walking together with 'cautious' hopefulness.

I thank God that I can accept and relish the hopefulness of these 'New' relationships. To me they are 'New' because God is giving 'Us' this NEW opportunity. God's mercies ARE new everyday, and sometimes new moment by moment. It is often with 'fear and trembling' we do this 'New' thing ... and the new-ness is a Wonderful gift from God.
Pray, Meditate (listen to God), give LOVE, and enjoy the great unknown.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE

Thanks for the post soberinfinity

D122y

How do you let your mom know she is doing the right thing?

Hug her and cry.

My journey is very different. No drugs, no parents. But, I have a lot of anger towards my family for not caring about me much as a kid. Long story.

I forgive them.

Your mom forgives you. Sounds like you haven't lost that.

BellaBlue

I am that mom and I would encourage you to go with your feelings and speak the truth. Have an honest and open conversation. You both need this.

I would give anything to have my AS do this.

Kindeyes

I am the mother of a son in recovery from meth addiction. I've spent many years working my own program of recovery (Al-Anon and Nar-Anon).

The best amends in the world (in my opinion) is a living amends. My son is sober. He is working his program, has a job, and is living in a sober house. I forgive him for all of the things he did during active addiction (and there were some doozies) and am just very grateful that he is living a productive life clean and sober. He is working a living amends and I prefer that over words or verbal apologies any day of the week. Hearing his voice, seeing him smile or laugh.......telling me about what's going on in his now very ordinary life......it's like a normal relationship. And I cherish that.

Keep taking care of you......

seek

Just tell her how you feel and give her a big hug.