Kindeyes

Perhaps if you told us what this place is, someone who has also had experience with this particular facility can give you some feedback regarding their own experience? I've never heard of a blackout period that long......does sound a bit odd.

nutmeg19

I don't really feel comfortable giving out the name of the facility he's in. I have read reviews and even spoken with people who have been to this program and I am hearing both good and negative reviews. The negative reviews aren't even BAD, but a few of the men I have spoken with have said that it's a rather cult-like environment and there seems to be a hierarchy and they do believe it can be run much better. What I am gathering and being told is that this is a place that is more for men who have NOWHERE to turn, nothing to their name, etc. Men who have been homeless and using for a long period of time, men who haven't been able to keep jobs or families, etc. None of that fits my fiancé at all...he has always had good jobs, never been homeless, had this relapse after multiple years of sobriety, is an amazing father and spouse/partner (no abuse of any kind), etc. For men who are like what I mentioned pretty much all of the men there to be (nowhere to turn, homeless, jobless, family desertion, etc), I'm sure this place is amazing and a god-send and all that. But to a man who already had an established life and a loving family and had been sober for a number of years before a relapse, I don't necessarily think this is THE place.

It's hard because he was only looking for a 3-6 month out-patient program at first...but this was the first place we came across and they said it was a 6-month in-patient program and we decided to just roll with it, we were fine with what we were initially being told. Then to be told afterward that it's different than they said...feels like I was tricked, to be honest. And yes, he can leave...but before he went in, I asked him to give this place a chance and try to stick with it and that we would talk soon (this is when we thought there was only a 30-90 day no-contact policy)...so I know he's feeling like he needs to stay so he doesn't disappoint everyone. And this is also one reason I'm trying to cool my jets and back off...because we already thought he was going to be there for up to 6 months anyway, and we already accepted a no-family-contact for up to 3 months. It's been a month and a half, so far...

I'm not even saying I want him out of any rehab at all...I'm just saying this isn't the ONLY place he can go for treatment...so even if he left here, he would still seek treatment somewhere else. He even said before he went in that if this place doesn't work out, there were other places he had in mind...that's when I encouraged him to just try to hang in there and stick with this place, etc. Of course, all the while not really knowing anything about this place.

nutmeg19

I actually feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I have a lot of stress on me right now and I don't really know which way to turn. What's hardest for me is that no one seems to really understand what *I* am going through. No one. Who knows what it's like to not be able to speak to your spouse for a year? Who knows what it's like to put your life on hold for a year? Who knows what it's like to have to explain all this to four kids? How am I going to do Christmas for four kids by myself? And then when he's done with the program, he doesn't just jump back into real life, so this will actually be longer than a year if he stays the duration. And I worry because I hear SO many stories of spouses breaking up during treatment. I have yet to hear of any that stayed together after being forcibly separated for such a length of time. Actually, I have yet to hear of any spouses going through this situation...both a year-long program and having no-contact for a year. A year-long program would be way easier to handle if we could have contact! Or a shorter 3-6 month program would be way easier to handle, even if we couldn't have contact the entire time.

I wish we had just gone with a different program to begin with. I wish we had gone with one of the 3 or 6 month programs. I actually really hope he'll leave there after 6 months (many have done so after their 6-month review and are still sober, but of course that means they don't graduate the program).

This is why I'm just sitting back, waiting. I could go to him right now, if I really wanted...I know of ways to contact him (of course, that would be breaking their rules if they found out). But I just can't. I don't know if I will or not in the future, but I know that I am giving myself at least 3 months, because that's how long he would have been gone minimally anyway, anywhere else. We were looking for a program of at least that length, so I'm going to chill out until at least that time.

I KNOW I sound kooky...but please bear with me. I know enough to not act on anything while I am feeling so out-of-balance.

Kindeyes

Ok I can understand your discomfort for disclosing the name of the organization he is in. I was asking specifically asking to see if it might be the Salvation Army Adult Rehab or another organization. The SA-ARCs have a very good reputation and they often take men and women with no other options (this is what made me think that you might be speaking of an SA-ARC). However, what you have described does not sound like their program at all (I do have some experience with the SA program) so I will assume that it must be another organization.

Take care of you.

alterity

Okay, then having a policy of "blackouts" definitely makes sense for this type of population because it's extremely likely that all of their relationships are with drug and alcohol buddies. But I, too, have never heard of blackouts for that long a period.

nutmeg19

Sorry if I came off sounding coo-coo, I'm having a rough day. =( It's not Salvation Army (but we know people who have gone there and understand how that program works). It's strict like that, though. The program my fiancé is in does have some good reviews but, as one man who had been in the program pointed out, the good reviews are mainly from men who had NOTHING before. I'm sure the program is amazing for some...but I don't think every program is a perfect fit for every person. Such as, someone who has been homeless and using for many years and has nowhere to go probably isn't going to find much success with, say, a 30-90 day program.

But I'm standing back for the time being anyway. I need to clear my head some more.

nutmeg19

Exactly. It makes sense for people in very dire situations...but his situation is very different from the rest of the men there. But then I think, "Can him being there be hurting him in any way??" I mean, my biggest issue with this place is that they can be rather shady with info, I actually feel tricked, and that the blackout period is INSANE. I have never heard of a program with such a blackout length. And for him, it's not necessary. But then, I'm the one who encouraged him to give this place a chance just before he went in! So I'm asking him to do that and now, 1 1/2 months in, I'm the one panicking? I know he's feeling the same as I am...I know this isn't easy for him, I know he's feeling panic...but I also know that he's trying to give it a fair chance like I encouraged him to do...and I should do the same. My biggest fear is that he will "get over" me. We didn't break up, but this sort of feels like it...I'm having to suddenly deal with him not being here and not even being able to talk to him. If he was in prison or deployed I would have contact! That's what's so crazy...inmates get to have contact with their loved ones, but we can't for a year because of one relapse?

I honestly don't know if I'll ever contact him while he's there...I don't know that if I do at what point it will be...maybe I'll contact him at 3 months, 6 months, or maybe I'll just figure that if he's still there he's given it a fair shot and something is actually working for him, I don't know. I don't know what the future holds at all, not even tomorrow's future, so I guess I have no choice but to take it one day at a time.