Saw daughter yesterday
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Saw daughter yesterday
Saw daughter yesterday. She lives in the worst part of San Francisco and it has been a 5 year saga so far. She is in a transient hotel in the Tenderloin. When I left...I felt nauseous and depleted.
Yet, compared to where things stood 2 years ago...she was living in the streets with a boyfriend/dealer (of many years standing...before her)...things were better. No longer living in Chile and feeling trapped by no finances or ability to be by family or her. Paying the bills. She has put on some weight and says she is doing methadone treatment (which I tend to believe).
My husband and her father returned from Chile on Friday from the last of business for a while...and while we didn't make money over the past 4 years...it helped us get through the economic downturn (especially as he is in construction) and to reconnect with his family and friends (& mine from my years in Chile) which was good and at 64, something that was good for his soul and what I did there was good for mine.
We were together for the first time in 11 months (the three of us) and the people who own the hotel were kind (they have been kind to her in the small ways that are not common nor the norm for this kind of place)--and as I identified myself as her mother a few weeks ago...they told her that they met me...and there is a small sense of family in the midst of awful circumstances.
She says she is going to the nearby methadone clinic (has been unwilling to accept any help from us from the beginning which like everything else has its tradeoffs) and has a counselor and has spoken repeatedly enough of her and the previous one who was promoted that it is possible it is true. She also has separated (I believe) from the boyfriend...which is something that is good...as he was and is awful...damaged by his own lifestyle from young...but not helpful for her or anything about her recovery...just about controlling and using her to further his own ends. She is a beautiful young women and men tend to want to use her in the lifestyle even more than possibly the norm.
Spoke to her about narcan and she said she knows about it and I found out about her OD (the first one I am aware of) in Jan 2013 when I started working very hard...in prayer and request to my higher power and against the wishes of my family (to come back here). It has been hard...way hard...but there have been so many moments of gratitude for me...for all the miracles received and moments treasured in the midst of horror.
Working my recovery program as best I can...every minute of every day is the only thing that keeps me better...as I was reminded yesterday after the short visit and feeling ill. My codependency disease is quite advanced after a lifetime of caretaking many...with my daughter being the latest of three daughters who chose to use drugs, parents who were and mother who still is, alcoholics, although high functioning and not obvious to the outside world...a husband who used to drink (grateful that one of the impacts of the daughters using has been his sobriety)...in any case...the nausea and sense of depletion and exhaustion after only a few minutes with her were my notice that my disease needs to be managed through recovery no matter what anyone else thinks or does in the family.
Still feeling nauseous this am...but know that I need to rest and practice a bit of self care.
Know that the nausea, for me, is all the emotions of so much through so many years...and need to just do my reading and pray and meditate today...one day at a time.
Yet, compared to where things stood 2 years ago...she was living in the streets with a boyfriend/dealer (of many years standing...before her)...things were better. No longer living in Chile and feeling trapped by no finances or ability to be by family or her. Paying the bills. She has put on some weight and says she is doing methadone treatment (which I tend to believe).
My husband and her father returned from Chile on Friday from the last of business for a while...and while we didn't make money over the past 4 years...it helped us get through the economic downturn (especially as he is in construction) and to reconnect with his family and friends (& mine from my years in Chile) which was good and at 64, something that was good for his soul and what I did there was good for mine.
We were together for the first time in 11 months (the three of us) and the people who own the hotel were kind (they have been kind to her in the small ways that are not common nor the norm for this kind of place)--and as I identified myself as her mother a few weeks ago...they told her that they met me...and there is a small sense of family in the midst of awful circumstances.
She says she is going to the nearby methadone clinic (has been unwilling to accept any help from us from the beginning which like everything else has its tradeoffs) and has a counselor and has spoken repeatedly enough of her and the previous one who was promoted that it is possible it is true. She also has separated (I believe) from the boyfriend...which is something that is good...as he was and is awful...damaged by his own lifestyle from young...but not helpful for her or anything about her recovery...just about controlling and using her to further his own ends. She is a beautiful young women and men tend to want to use her in the lifestyle even more than possibly the norm.
Spoke to her about narcan and she said she knows about it and I found out about her OD (the first one I am aware of) in Jan 2013 when I started working very hard...in prayer and request to my higher power and against the wishes of my family (to come back here). It has been hard...way hard...but there have been so many moments of gratitude for me...for all the miracles received and moments treasured in the midst of horror.
Working my recovery program as best I can...every minute of every day is the only thing that keeps me better...as I was reminded yesterday after the short visit and feeling ill. My codependency disease is quite advanced after a lifetime of caretaking many...with my daughter being the latest of three daughters who chose to use drugs, parents who were and mother who still is, alcoholics, although high functioning and not obvious to the outside world...a husband who used to drink (grateful that one of the impacts of the daughters using has been his sobriety)...in any case...the nausea and sense of depletion and exhaustion after only a few minutes with her were my notice that my disease needs to be managed through recovery no matter what anyone else thinks or does in the family.
Still feeling nauseous this am...but know that I need to rest and practice a bit of self care.
Know that the nausea, for me, is all the emotions of so much through so many years...and need to just do my reading and pray and meditate today...one day at a time.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
It is good you got to see your daughter in a safer place, Iris. And great progress for yourself, too, by reading the signals your body is sending and working your recovery diligently. All good stuff, in spite of the pain and circumstance. Peace to you!
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
It sounds like you did well with your visit with your daughter. That feeling of gratitude for the changes you see whether small are big is one that will continue to help you in your recovery. I hope you find peace and feel better as you practice self love and self care.
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