vaya

My AS had to leave rehab today after 73 days clean. He tested dirty. The signs were there but I kept trying to encourage him to stick with it and stay. he knows he can't come back and live with me and was in the process of looking for housing. He is willing to go to a sober living because he wants to work.

I don't know for sure if he used or what, but he is so depressed and talking about ending it. I may let him stay with me just tonight so I can make sure he goes to his mental health apt tomorrow. I know he'll go to see about his General Relief money.

I told him I might let him stay in the car, but I'm so scared and don't want to lose him forever. I know many addicts threaten suicide to get attention or tug at heart strings, but the fact is, he is clean and sober for a while and could easily overdose.

Problem is, I haven't told his younger brother (age 23) yet, who does live with me and just got back from a trip to Australia. I prefer his brother not even know about the rehab. My AS doesn't know his brother lives with me, but suspects as much. That too can create much turmoil.

Should I tell younger brother so he doesn't have to deal with AS tonight, clean or not?

I could let AS stay in my car, but feel like I need to keep an eye on him tonight. If I say just for tonight, I will have to stick to it.

A lot depends on if he uses or not and what direction he goes.

Regardless of how we're supposed to detach and show tough love, I don't feel safe for him tonight.

Please...help with any thoughts/suggestions/experience/strength and hope.

NWGRITS

We're only as sick as our secrets. You can't do this alone, and just knowing that someone else around you knows can be so freeing. I've spent my whole life with an alcoholic mother, so I'd never let her in my front door, but if you know you can stick to just one night, I'd go for it. IF he is serious and this is all his idea, that is. But any signs of using, I'd tell him he has to find somewhere else to go. Addicts are resourceful, there's always some place they can go. It might be a homeless shelter, but it's still a place to go.

Morning Glory

I don't hold myself to any rules. I take the action when I'm ready to live with the consequences. A lot of the consequences I perceive are always the worst case scenario so in my mind that's the risk I have to take for myself when I don't help my son.

My son was very suicidal the last time I tried to help and had to put him out. It was so cold out and he was so drunk he couldn't even figure out how to wrap up in the roll of plastic I gave him. It was one of those nights when I didn't know if he would live or die. I mean we really can't be sure of what might happen. He ended up calling 911 himself and the ER got him into a rehab. He has been sober for almost a year this time around.

I've been doing this for 20 years and my fear of consequences held me hostage to my son's alcoholism with all his horrible drunk behavior. The only way to free myself was to be willing to live with the consequences even if they are horrible. There is a risk no matter what we do.

greeteachday

How did things go Vaya? I hope you were able to do whatever felt right to you and that your son made his appointment today. .

vaya

Thank you for responding. My son did go to see about business to restore his money on his GR card, but has to go back on Friday. He has a mental health appointment tomorrow. On Friday he may be able to see about following through with his housing application too.
he complained about having to go downtown with me so early, but I hadn't decided if I will let him stay in the house when I'm not there yet. He did go by the house when my younger son was there. I don't want to impose a burden on my younger son, but I won't let my AS stay in house when I'm not there.
Today his feet hurt a lot from walking around and are swollen and red, like they got when he was homeless a couple of months or so ago.
He is a little less fragile today. Last night he wanted to go to the hospital ( for psych ER) but I told him I was too tired and we could go in the morning! I vascilate between being supportive, but still tough. Either he has to pull it together if he thinks he doesn't need rehab or else find some other supportive living situation to help him with life. I'm taking it day by day and seeing how it goes and what he does. I also cannot jeapordize my living situation by having him here too much. I already snuck in my younger son, which has turned out ok, since he's not around much, but can't have my AS actually living here. He is here temporarily. He got me basically evicted from my last place and I had to move within 30 days to avoid having an eviction on my record. So....despite the fact that he is mentally weak and confused right now, I have to be very, very careful. Thank you for responding and sharing and supporting. It really helps. It's a lot of anguish, but I'm also just trying to maintain some normalcy as far as possible and tend to my business and life.

Twofour

I am sending my support and prayers. You seem strong Haven't had this experience but I will say a prayer.