Impurrfect

Thank you all

Trach - my take on the "stopping is going backwards" may not be right, but here it is anyway. Life brings us situations, both good and bad. There are lessons to learn from all of them. If we just stop, don't learn the lessons and move forward, then I agree - it's like going backwards.

Robby - I've always been one of those "when THIS happens, then I'll be happy". Have no idea why, as I was raised by a dad who I didn't often get along with, but who I respect and dearly love, and a mom who literally lived each day as if it were her last and EVERYONE loved her, up until she died the month before her 51st birthday.

I am living in a great house for minimal rent with about 25 acres of land and a lake. Who could ask for more? I finally got the "real job" I'd been trying for, for so many years, only to find out my boss lady is a psychotic witch and is running the business into the ground, and I don't think her hubby (our Dr. who is brilliant and well known) has a clue.

My dad will be 75 in Sept., is depressed (is on an anti-d, but does nothing as far as going anywhere to meet people, despite many suggestions). He is supporting my niece who has cut me off (the one who is like my daughter), and he talks to her often but it's always when she wants money, which he gives her.

When my stepmom died of an OD, the code enforcement people were called in due to the horrible conditions of the house. He and I did a lot of work, but he still has no floors put down, if he's not working, he's on the computer nonstop.

He constantly tells me that I and my niece are his only reasons for living. I've BEEN that person, when I was a raging codie. Tried to commit suicide twice when he threatened to leave (I was also very drunk). I now know what a burden it is to put that on someone. I've tried to explain it to him, I've been working on him finding gratitude for years, and see bits and pieces of it at times.

I don't make enough money to pay bills, am always struggling. Once I get back from MN, will begin the job hunt again.

I pray, I do gratitude lists, I'm on an anti-d and sleep medicines which I've been on for years other than the 9 months when I couldn't afford to go to the dr. It's not working any more.

I am normally like my mom was - always seeing the good, making the best of the bad (like all of us being here) but I just can't seem to find that feeling any more.

I'm calling my doctor tomorrow. She knows ALL my history and she has always been great about finding me what I need for the least amount of money.

I'm not beating myself up, but I am looking around and saying "WTF? This is what you wanted and you STILL aren't happy?!?!?"

I do admit, though, that when I was first sent to a psychiatrist he explained that when you have too much stress, your brain sort of short-circuits, it's a chemical imbalance and you need chemicals (aka meds) to get it working again.

In the past 2 years I've lost 7 people I love, 2 cats, a dog and a horse. Maybe my brain is just saying "enough - I need a little help here"?

Love, hugs and prayers,

Amy

RobbyRobot

Great questions.

It's late for me and I'm tired. I will say this for now: moving forward is all about creating positive momentum. Momentum is created when we struggle with whatever. Struggles are either positive or negative in outcome relative to our plans and purposes. Quitting drinking is positive. Suffering while quitting is negative. Alcohol was abused by me to relief suffering even as it created more suffering, for which I would just drink even more, and this moved me in to the realm of blackout drinking. To stay quit, I must resolve myself to not use short term relief for my suffering. This is *different* then me choosing to not use alcohol. It is important I don't use *any kind* of short term relief. I need long term relief, or I will eventually fail in my quit.

So, this allows me to be free of not just alcohol, but also all the lousy short cuts I was taking with my drunken lifestyle so as to keep me drinking. Long term relief requires me to create opportunities to embrace lasting solutions. Drinking is a total short term relief, so this simplistic choice takes drinking right off the table.

As I struggle to adapt to these long term solutions, I'm creating momentum away from my past sufferings since I'm now moving into a life of purpose and change. Suffering is not struggling. Suffering is useless. Struggling is a choice made.

With practice, one can soon enough distinguish enough between struggling and suffering to know which way is forward and which is backward.

I have more on this, but I'm out of steam, lol.

Later.

Night everybody and good morning to those just waking up!

courage2

g'nite Rob. See you tomorrow.

Soberwolf

Im just waking up but wanted you to know i loved that sentence 'No shortcuts' so so true

Spk soon Robby

Gilmer

Good morning, everyone.

trachemys

Sheesh. Sometimes, I think English is my second language. A couple of words made all the difference. Thanks, Amy,

Hey, Rob, look! Four sentences!

RobbyRobot

Good morning y'all and good evening Sunny high of 75F here in Ottawa. Big white clouds. Nice enough.

Della1968

Good morning Robby, Melissa and friends. Have a lovely day.

ArtFriend

Good morning/afternoon/evening all. My head is full of thoughts this morning. I am all over the place mentally. So, in lieu of sounding like a lunatic, I will share a story. A friend of mine had hand surgery. She isn't able to do much since it is her right hand and it is all bandaged up. So, I went over to her place yesterday and brought her food, cleaned, opened twist top bottles and washed her hair for her. You would have thought that I hung the moon! She was SO very happy and thankful. She took me out for a really nice lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. It was a really nice day. I really didn't expect the reaction I got. I was happy to help her out. You just never know when seemingly small (at least I thought it was) gestures of kindness can really lift a person. And by extension, I was also lifted.

Hope you all have a wonderful day. What are your plans Rob??

RobbyRobot

A lovely story ArtFriend. Helping others is such a win/win for all sides. And the Chessecake Factory! Awesome eats!

My plan today is to see if I can physically manage to get down to our marina and see about some boating. We have two slips. Bennington 2550 RCB pontoon w/250HP outboard, and a Yamaha Waverunner. Ton's of fun with had with these last summer.

Yeah, I'm hoping I've recovered enough stamina to captain the boat. Sadly, these are two amazing toys which will be going up for sale all too soon for my liking. So, a happy and sad day all rolled into one. This is becoming a new normal for me. Man, I hate normal, lol.

ArtFriend

Jealous!! I would love to be on a boat today... we are going up to 95! blah. I do hope that you can make it today. Sounds like a blast! And I understand that happy/sad thing. Hopefully it will be more happy than sad today.

Soberwolf

Sounds amazing Captain Robby

Aellyce

That's a lovely plan, Robby. Go captain that boat with your Dharma wheel (ref to your avatar), both literally and metaphorically!

Wholesome

I love boating. My bf and I have decided that if we both get the promotions we're trying for we will buy a boat next summer

RobbyRobot

Part II

"Helping" others is for me anyways an umbrella term which at best is subjective to my life experiences, and at worst just everyday common sense and human decency.

It really isn't a matter of being pulled backward when I help whomever as that would require me to sign on to a codependent arrangement, and this would not be helpful for either of us. It is true I can help share whomever's burdens off their back as much as I'm able and still remain free of codependency if I'm willing to take on the responsibilities of the consequences if things go south. Otherwise, my help would have to be conditional, and such help actually invites codependent scenarios, is my experience.

As for resting and still actively be recovering, absolutely since its an ongoing lifestyle change which ensures recovery going forward. Most of us agree abstinence is required for recovery. So, once we quit, then that is done. Moving forward is now all about living free from the addiction and this is really a personal journey for any of us. We are as free as birds to enjoy our success as we wish on every level we can imagine for ourselves. This is the same for enjoying whatever we deem to be restful experiences too.

So for me, I find my unending rest in the secure knowledge that if I stay quit, I've already won. Quality of life issues are not directly tied to my being recovered. If they were, my recovery would be conditional, and if my life went south, I would have set myself up for a return to drinking. Does incurable cancer qualify as my life headed south? It could, if I allowed such conditions, but since I don't, I'm for sure going to remain sober no matter what. Quality of life is more about me being recovered already, and not considered of being of value proceeding my recovery. Anything which threatens my original quit is absolutely of no importance to me with respect to quality of life.

Yeah, things can look very dark. I've learned the hard way I can't actually see darkness, what I'm really aware of is the absence of light. With out light, I can't see anything, yeah?

So if I can see my troubles, I remain as calm as I can and patiently wait for me to see the light that absolutely has to be there because I'm well aware of the darkness all around. What I'm really looking for is where amongst all that darkness is the light. I know my troubles are severe if I have to seek out the light. This helps me to take on the responsibilities of my search for enlightenment. For example when I look at my past addiction woes, I'm blinded by the light of my success in staying quit. When I look at my cancer troubles, I have to very patiently peer thru the darkness as the light is very dim and far, far away from my awareness. This causes me hurt. Not despair though since I know by experience somewhere and sometime I'll become more and more aware of the light which burns as brightly as it can to show me the way. Its a learned thing, yeah?

I hope this helps in explaining my meaning. Thanks courage. I'm enjoying this conversation

courage2

Me too. I also need it because I feel a little that I'm floundering around. "where amongst all the darkness is the light"? Yeah, good question. Will return to this response as soon as I can. Thanks. I hope you & Melissa enjoy the marina.

brynn

Good morning Robby and friends!

Hope you get down to the marina and can enjoy the day on the water!

((((Amy)))) thank you for sharing all that....it's a lot. I hope you make that call to your dr. Sending you hugs and praying for peace for your mind today.

Really interesting reading parts 1 and 2 in response to courages questions. I'm sure we will all have parts that really jump out at us personally, depending on our circumstances and journey, but for me I keep re-reading the paragraph about helping and co-dependency.

Before coming to this site I don't think I ever said the word co-dependent, much less thought about it, but boy have my eyes been opened to the fact that I am incredibly co-dependent. So much so in my relationship with my boyfriend, that while his drinking/drugging doesn't affect me in the sense that it makes me WANT to use, his bad behavior while drunk/high and my constant need to rescue/help/fix his mess is keeping me stuck (?) which means I'm unable to move forward while still mired in this relationship. I guess I've known this, but seeing it in the way you talk about it, Robby, makes it much clearer. I don't know how to break free of this co-dependent stuff, honestly. It seems like it's just my personality to want to help/fix/solve/make better and I know those things in and of themselves aren't bad but I don't know to differentiate without crossing the line. Anyway....very interesting and thought provoking as usual, Robby.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Aellyce

These latest shares about connection, helping others, and yet being able to see where we stand in our own personal development resonates with me again very much, Robby It reminded me of something I really like by Rainer Maria Rilke:

"Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky."

More is here:
https://chuckbenderms.wordpress.com/...-difficulties/

As for the darkness... I think my problem sometimes is that I'm too comfortable in it and am willing to stay in (my) dark, with nothing else around me or in predictably available perspective, only my own thoughts, feelings, and memories. I also have a history of pulling others into that darkness with me -- not really actively, just by having periods in my life that were dominated by that sort of existence, and whoever was attracted to me at those times and interested enough, they had to follow me there. I've never been too good at the opposite when I was younger: to react much to others' trying to "fix me" or pull me out, until in more recent years when I decided it's time to learn how to do this (receive help).

But the darkness... these days for me usually it does not last long at a time and even if I don't see the light, I will want to create it, and will also let more others close to actually grab me and get me out, let others to try to change my mental state or teach me how to do that. I've had really great experiences with this in recent years and learned, to my surprise, that I can be very impressionable and receptive to help from sources that I trust, but it should be a construct where we continue to retain our separate identities and individual freedom, co-dependency is just something that I have very hard time with, probably because I carry very little in myself.

On moving forward... for me it's never been a linear process in terms of personal growth. There are all kinds of loops, cycles, and temporary steps backward. Abstinence from addictions is something I seem to handle well long-term (reference to recovery from my past eating disorder and more recent sobriety) once I really put my mind into it, but the actual complex personal growth process in terms of mentality and lifestyle for me always seems quite non-linear.

In any case, I believe that whatever challenges we all face in our respective lives, there is nothing comparable to the process of dying and moving towards certain death that can be foreseen and predictable. In a way, of course our whole lives are a slow dying process, but not knowing anything about the ending vs having a quite clear idea makes a gigantic difference imo -- at least this is what I have seen spending time with and being close to people who were dying of illness or old age. It's the ultimate challenge for all of us, and I don't think anything else is comparable.

LemonGirl

You could always venture over to the other side of the forums. Many alcoholics in recovery have discovered the need to face codependency and post often in the "friends and family" section.

Some of us who have been dealing with codependency also find ourselves on this side of the forum. The two sides have so many parallels.

Ajax

Hi All,
Robby and I weren't going boating today. We were preparing for a visit from my 3 sons and a friend on Sunday. Last summer we all had such a good time on the boat and wave runner. Rob wanted to make sure he could get to the boat and on it in his present condition so we could go out again. He was so considerate to think of this and happily found a solution that won't leave him exhausted. Now, if the weather would cooperate...

We had a nice visit from my mother a couple of weeks ago. She was very involved in the hospice movement when it really took off in the U.S. And was able to offer valuable information to our conversations. She and I also got to spend a lot of time together talking. She and I are very close and were supposed to go to South Africa together before we got Rob's diagnosis. We will take that trip at some point, I'm quite sure. She's very funny and an easy guest. A far cry from the Mum I grew up with....just saying.

A funny story from her visit: one day I got up and found my mother reading on the couch. Very uncharacteristic ally she was wearing a navy blue tee shirt, obviously a joke shirt, with white writing that said "I'm confused...wait, maybe I'm not." She has never to my knowledge worn any article of clothing with writing on it EVER!
Anyway, I commented on it and she told me she had had a nice talk with Robby earlier, and he hadn't commented on her shirt, curiously.

Well, later I was talking to Rob and mentioned that my mum had told me that they'd had a nice talk earlier. I asked him why he didn't mention her shirt. He said he hadn't noticed it. I said, " Really? It's hard to miss!"
He relied, " I was too interested in what she was saying to notice".

That's a whole other reason I love him. When you talk to him, he listens with his whole being. A very rare find.