wishIsedNO

it is so strange is your bf named tim cause my mans named tim to but im sure his not the same person dont worry..anyways ive been a heroin addict for 6 yrs ive been banging dope for 4 yrs i finally stop when i got endocarditis which is an infection in the heart where u can get it from bad cut from the dope or not cleaning your skin with an alcohol wipe before u shoot up..or just using the same needle over and over which your husband sed hes done..cause i too was afraid of getting aids so i would always use my own..i never thought that could kill me too..which i almost did...thank god i was home at my parents...if i wasnt i know iwouldnt be here rite now..anyways ive been on methadone for a year and half..its the only thing thats helped..after many rehabs and detoxs i cant even count..yes meth can feel like another drug that legal because if they overdose u u will get a high..that like dope...but the fact is it aint..u aint selling anything and everything for it..u aint shooting it in your veins..your not lying anymore or disappearing..and u dont have the threat of going to jaol or dying..so to me methadone is a savior..but dont think that once he takes it everythings gonna be peachy keen..its gonna take awhile..for me it took me 6 months after i started taking it till i finally quit..using is also a habit to us our whole lives r focused around it and to all of a sudden not to do is a shock..i used it for 3 months without even getting high because i was also addicted to the people the places and the wholde buying and cooking it and booting it thing..till my counselor finally pointed it out and i realized myself i was wasting money on time that wasnt even satisfying me anymore..so i stop from that moment on...and my life has gotten much better...and im glad for it..but there is a slight effect to it which i hate u blow up..when your on meth u crave sweets and meth also retains water so tell your bf to really watch what he eats and drink lots of water u would think since it retains water you shouldnt drink it but NO its the opposite u should drink it..cause it will wash the excess out..i gained 60 pounds in 4 months after i decided to come clean..i never have been this fat..but since im starting to come off of it im starting to lose which im soo happy about...especially being a gurl u know how the weight thing drives us insane...but just try to keep your anger to yourself dont beat him up too much let him find his way but dont let him control u..let him no his limits..its like hes gonna learn to live rite again..but i think hes made the rite decision to use the methadone..that other drug..i believe is only good for those who are completely secure with never taking dope again..cause im sure since its your bf firsit time he will probably have a few relapses but its not gonna be like anything like what hes doing now...it migh be once every 2 weeks..or so..if he was on the other thing he might get discouraged and stop taking it all together for an urge to just have a taste of it..at least methadone give u time and u learn to see life without that need to use...heroin addict get really attach to their drug cause like any other drug this drug u r mentally and physically attached..and he is rite that it hurts for him to stop not only physically but mentally the drug is hes savior rite now and losing is like losing his best friend...and hes gonna mourn it i know it sounds weird but its similiar hes gonna be angry sad confused and scared..but he will find his path and u will be glad u stuck through it...you will soon find the guy u fell in love with in the first place...goodluck..Jackie

timsgirl31

You know, that is the first post i read that had anything to do with sticking with him. No offense to anyone else. I cannot wait for this nightmare to be over with. I can't wait for the mood swings to end, the constant watching over him........the babysitting.......




peace and love,

Heather

journeygal

Heather,

When we talk about detachment, we're not saying you should leave your b/f. Detachment helps us stay without driving ourselves crazy trying to control their using or recovery. I stayed with my husband. He's in recovery now and doing great. It was damn hard, but I don't have any regrets staying. I sometimes question my sanity and why I stayed, but being with him has helped me to learn a lot about myself, my codependency, and what makes me tick. His using is how I eventually ended up in recovery and being in recovery has been a huge blessing in my life.

Whether you stay or go, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and try to not let his using take over your entire life. And we're here to support you no matter what.

Hugs,
JG

timsgirl31

sometimes i do believe i already had let it overcome my life.....somedays i don't give a damn, other days it just agitates me to no end. somedays i actually do believe there are needles in the house, so i go on an insanity rampage and just root around, always finding nothing as of yet. other days, i could give a rat's you know what less and i'm just relaxed and don't think about it....good days and bad days like i said before. i never fully understood codependency until this happened, now i really feel it... somedays i just want to go away for a few days and forget it even happened, but everytime i try, the first thought is, wow, he wouldn't get his dope, as he has to rely on me to get it....call it a control issue if you will, but in my mind if i try to have control over the situation, i would feel more comfortable and a little ease in dealing with the whole situation. i know i cannot change his habit.. but i can control the things that are changeable....such as how he gets it, how he does it, how much money he spends on it... like i said it sounds more and more like a control issue but it helps me cope with it until he starts his methodone program....i also believe that he is codependent on me and he relies on me heavily, which kinda scares me a bit, because i believe that everyone should try to depend on themselves first. i know i can depend on myself for survival, but i know he couldn't...and what if one day, i wouldn't be there? he'd be done for, which alot of people say that is what needs to happen for him to get the picture so to say. i tried to get rid of him several times, but he never left lol. oh well, at least he's gonna try huh?


peace and love,

wishIsedNO

you might think he'd be done for but i dont want u to feel im trying to put bad thoughts in your head ..but i know what its like and he wouldnt be done for addicts are very resiliant and they know how to survive when the going gets tough..when we are addicted to dope its like air to us..its the only way we can live..last year when i was active i had to jump out of bed go on the train usually in sweats or still in my pajamas and uncombed hair cop my dope go to mcdies and use their bathroom to get well..and then and only then could i take a shower get dressed go to work or whatever else i had to do in the day..my bf would give me money and yea it was sweet when he did cause then i knew i didnt have to hussle too much..but we wanna get well but we also wanna get high..so even though u might think you are controling him by givng him money i am sure he hussles to get more so he can get an extra boost or for his morning wake ups..and also the reason why u never find any works in your house is cause addicts never keep their works at home they usually carry them with them just in case they need em..the only time they would keep them at home is if the person they were living with was ok with it or they were using too..i hope that the insanity of your life comes to end i can see u really love him and he is lucky top have u i hope he realizes it before he loses u...i had a sober bf who loved me too but i pushed him too much and he ended up leaving and i will always feel bad about it...i wish u guys the best..hang in there..Jackie

timsgirl31

funny you should say about finding works, jackie, cuz i did on thursday. underneath my radiator in my bathroom, guess what i find? syringe, of course, it wasn't his....he don't know how it got there, and i'm still not talking to him today, what is sooooooo hard in getting a straight answer, i broke the damn needle and threw it in his face.......

wishIsedNO

i know how mad u must feel and crazed that he just cant finally admit it..cause obviously its his..i know exactly what u going through my bf of three years is addicted to pills now mostly xanax which is the same high as heroin..he drives me up the wall...me and him met through a mutal friend and we ended up starting to go out a few months later...we both we running buddies together i moved in with him when my mom gave me an ultmadium to either get help or leave so i chose to leave..which my mom flipped out about...but anyways long story short..when i got sick with endocarditis and then stayed on the meth program and finally relaized i had to give myself a break or i was gonna die at the age of 21..at first he thought it was just my many attempts and that id be back at our apartment ready to go again but when i didnt move back in after 4 months and kept telling him how great i felt how good my program was he decided he wanted to get clean..but i think he only decided cause he knew if he didnt our relationship would of ended cause even though im clean i still love dope and i couldnt be with someone that i love and still see that their getting high..so i feel since he didnt want it in his heart its why he started taking these pills after only 3 weeks of being on the program..of course of all the programs we find they had a quack for a doctor and she gave him anything he wanted so very quickly he was addicted..and he would have seizures if he didnt take em...which i think its ten times worse then his dope habit even tough their both bad but at least when he was using dope he never had to be hospitalize except willing in a detox..but since he started with these pills hes been hospitalixes at least 7 times..so many in fact hes medicade is restricted to only his program and one doctor they provided for him..anyways after 2 rehabs the last one last month..but he couldnt stay the full time cause medicade wouldnt pay cause they feel he dont wanna get clean because of so many times hes been places to get help...so he used that for his excuse to not even to give staying sober a chance the first day out he was high..he says because he feels paranoid and sick and hes afraid he would have a seizure..he likes to throw that in cause he knows im deathly afraid hed have a seizure by himself and he might hit hes head or worse if he might be in the subway fall on to the tracks and be killed..so for the past 2 days its gotten worse like it use to be..before he used but it was only one pill and u couldnt really tell that he used only from hes whining low voice..but now he doing enough to be nodding and drueling and forgeting everything he does...and he has the nerve after all i already know and the fact im an addict too and i can spit that someones high from a mile away..to look me in the face while his eyes are rolling back and say i didnt do anything its just the methadone and im tired..when i laugh cause im on methadone too and even when i was on 110 mg i didnt roll my eyes and nod and slur my speach,,,so i just yes him to death and hope that he will some day real soon realized he gotta stop....but the thing that pisses me off the most is he acts like hes the best bf,,that he does so much for me and hes hardly around cause hes either too sick or too **** up to hang out he dont even know how stressed i am about my dad and what i go through..and b/c im so honest and loyal i told him of each of my relapses and he gets all pissed and now hes cut me off and wont gimmie any money cause he says ill just spend it on dope when he know full well its just cause he wants it for pills and hes so happy that i finally did relapse and told him so he can use that for an excuse..but he forgets the year i stayed clean and managed his money if it wasnt for me he wouldnt have anything rite now...ahh if i wasnt and addict myself i would never wanna be around one ever....gosh i didnt realize how much was pent up there...thanx for lisiten and im sorry im suppose to be helping u and im going on about my problems i hope u dont mind that much or didnt fall asleep in the process of reading this long post..i hope your man finds a way to beat this..just tell him millions have and it aint impossible even those it seems as if it is now...but once you commit to it,,,it becomes easier and easier as the time goes on...goodluck..Jacqueline