nogard

After reading today’s ‘Just for Today’ I was thinking of all my dark dark secrets and realised that they do hurt me.

Here is one that has surfaced recently and I would like to share with you.

Since I was five (I have a treasured pic of me as 5 year old sitting on a black 3 wheeler my gran gave to me) I have felt different, an outsider. I was made fun of as my ears stuck out a lot. Later I started sucking two fingers as I was over anxious due partly to my parents fighting, anyway that gave me my large buck teeth and made me even more of a target.

So I grew up big eared, buck teethed skinny and tall and that was my image of myself.

Now I am 54 (55 this month – so save up!) and still have this image of myself plus a fat tummy since I gave up smoking and a lack of hair.

Today I was walking along the road wondering how I was going to love myself with a self image I loathe, I think of myself as ugly. I also love myself since I got clean and sober, how does this work, I don’t know, but I have decided to go with and be honest and let God.

What I do know is that unless I get to like and love myself including my physical self, it will hold me back and others won’t be able to love me.

Kevin
PS More secrets as they roll back in

ASH

(((Kevin)))
When I was younger I used to go on and on about every imperfection
I had and a wise friend said to me, "You really need to learn to love your body,
its the ony one your ever going to get".
While I still beat myself up over this or that,
that thought did and still helps me with the bad image problem.

After all, what is ugly, oh yea, drunk is ugly, inside and out!
Taking care of yourself from the inside out, now that is good looking...
So heres to good hair days, progress in recovery and strutting what you got!!!

hector

Hi, (Kevin). Thanks for sharing.

"Then God said, 'Let us make man in our image, after our likeness....' So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them..." (Genesis 1:26-28, RSV)

What does God look like? He looks like you and me. In your opinion, He's ugly.

I know I'm special and beautiful because God didn't make no junk. I'm 50 (51 this month - so save up), too fat, balding, and not much to look at but not ugly. So what? I get up, shave, comb my hair, and then only glance in the mirror now and then through the day. I don't much care what I look like. I don't have a self-image that I loathe. I'm a sober, recovering, Christian alcoholic. I'm doing the best I can. That's all I can do. That's all God wants.

God bless you. He already has.

REZ

This is a tough topic. I think everyone can relate to this. I remember not liking my physical appearance when I was growing up and I still don't like the way I look sometimes today. There are some things about me that I can't change, such as my height, age, skin tone, eye color, etc. But there are some things I can change. Everyone looks better when they are clean and sober. Everyone looks better with a smile. Also, I can exercise to keep weight off, eat right, get some rest, take care of my personal hygiene. These are things I can change about me...the things I can't change, I try to leave to my higher power...

nogard

thanks everyone.

Hector its about me owning up to my secrets and bringing them to the light, so I can change them. Glad your ok with you, hope I catch you up soon. Meanwhile I will do the drill and practice letting go.

Anway its no longer a dark dark secret.

Kevin

Lollipop

Kevin,

When I was growing up, I was ALWAYS overweight, by the 8th grade, I was a whopping 400+ pounds. I went through life with ZERO self esteem and was made fun of daily. By highschool, I had great friends and my weight was rarely an issue. I still secretly loathed myself and would continue to eat uncontrollably. (my first addiction)
Long story short, I went on to get married, have kids, great lifelong friends etc. Fighting my weight and trying every diet known to man all through my adult life, a few years ago, I had gastric bypass surgery. In less than a year, I went from a womens size 26-28 to a junior size 10. At first, it was awesome, all the positive attention, men looking at me because I looked normal instead of because I was huge etc. Feeling so much better, being able to do things I had NEVER been able to do, not having to worry about chairs being big enough etc, it was a whole new world and I was having the time of my life with it. Parties, bars, new places to explore.....places I refused to go to much when I was younger and heavier......drinking.......
I realised that because I could no longer feed my food addiction, I self consciously found a new one, drugs and alcohol!!!! I discovered that I still had that same insecurity and self loathing and "needed that crutch" After being off the drugs for over a year or so, I did some soul searching and figured it out. I literally had to "reprogram" myself and think of all the positives instead of negatives, I had to love ME!! (not an easy task) I learned that beauty does come from within, no matter what size you are or if you have physical flaws etc. If you can learn to feel good about yourself, your inner beauty will glow on the outside and people will radiate towards you!
I hope this makes sense as it is hard for me to put into words, I am now a comfortable size 10-12 at 37 years old, and even after losing all that weight and thinking it would change everything, I still have those days when I feel insecure and look in the mirror and think.....OMG I am so FAT! Thats when I stop and say to myself, no you are not, you are a healthy, caring, honest person and that makes you beautiful......no matter what you "look like"
Liss

Lollipop

WOW!!!!! Thanks Kevin, I just shared one of my secrets, didnt even realise it until I read it back to myself, it feels pretty good! Didnt mean to hijack your thread, I was honestly just relating to what you posted but in turn, it helped me realize how much work I still need to do!!!! Thank you!!!!
Liss

nogard

Thats great Liss

Look, my intent on posting here was to share a secret and by doing so take away its power over me. If I have upset any of you please remember its my image of myself that is the secret and thats what I am working on. Its not total loathing its more bring the long held seldom acknowledged beliefs out into teh open.

I have faith that recovery and my hp will enable me to see myself more clearly.

Love Kevin

2dayzmuse

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is only skin deep...you've all heard and realize that to be true. I think even the most beautiful people find fault with themselves. I think it is almost human nature to not like what we have, to yearn for something else. For instance. my legs are to short, I hate my nose. My hair isn't as shiny and silky as I'd like it to be. I have seem some physically beautiful people act awfully ugly. That ruins the good looks for me. Beauty truly comes from within. I realize that more and more each day that I am sober.

Nevyn

I found myself looking back at old pictures and thinking "Man, I looked good back then. Wish I looked like that now". Then I realized that 5 years before, I had done the same thing... and the picture I was looking at now was a picture taken back then when I thought I looked bad. So I figure in 5 years I will look at a pic of myself as I am now and think "Wow, I looked good"... so if future me thinks I look good, then obviously I actually do look good, so I might as well live for today and believe that I look good now instead of looking back wistfully.

Confidence and happiness always look good.

Good post Nogard. (BTW you look like a healthy green dragon to me).

aasharon90

I can go back and look at those pictures of me when i was young. A sweet cute little child with short dark hair. Then as i flip thru my school book where u see each yr and grade...they get uglier and unglier as i complete high school. I see school pictures of me with black eye, buck teeth, pimples and a homely looking child. : ( So sad because all the other girls i went to school with were so pretty.

My pictures portriad(sp?) a little child that was abused, hurt and unloved by the hands of my mom. He own demons with alcohol and presciption drugs made her out to be a Dr. Jeckle/ Mr Hyde.

How in the world did i get to where i am today after a horrible childhood.

I always felt different and like an outcast. Almost 16 yrs sober, i still have issues from my past that come back to haunt me.

I have had to work hard on myself to look normal. Others see beauty in me, yet its hard to see that for myself. I know beauty is only skin deep and when i do practice compassion love and care for others, then i can feel the loving beautiful caring child of God coming out of me.

I dont know if I will ever grow up and accept myself as someone good rather than that as only damaged goods.

I do believe I am someone special in the eyes of my HP. I am one of His children.

I dont think He intentionally made things happen to me that have. Its the disease of Alcoholism that I have to remember that destroys people and their lives. We never asked to be what we r today. I believe there was a reason for alll that i went thru in order to get to where i am today.

And that is to Do His will and not mine. My soul purpose in life today is to do His will which is to help others in recovery stay sober by sharing my own experiences strengths and hope with them.

Thanks for letting me share.

upanddownjj

Words alone can even be so damaging, the looks out of the corner of her eye that stop you dead in your tracks..knowing what will come later..
Thow shalt only make HER look good, do not dare bring any praise onto yourself. Any accomplishments made are dismissed or minimised other than to recognize that it was her accomplishment - because she drove you there...
Don't EVER let anyone know you are unhappy or that she is anything less than the PERFECT mother..This was even BEFORE she started drinking

I now understand that it was her own illness and insecurity.
For many years tho I have made excuses for her and not acknowledged the internal ravage and slaughter of my own spirit..
I learned my purpose here was to please others or make them look good.
There are still many corners I have to go into..lots more pain to get rid of.

I feel ugly and did thru my my childhood, teens & twenties..Now I am 50 and only realizing that I have been beautiful inside and out the whole time..I had no idea how pretty I was/am...Like you said..we focus on the 1 imperfection we can find.
I now see I look much younger than I am and I mostly like myself..
ALWAYS MORE WORK TO DO !!! Aware, Admit, Ask for Help

splendra

(((Nogard)))

You are very beautiful and so are the rest of you.

nogard

sloane2468

Dang it Splendra! I have come to this post 6 or 7 times and think nay, I'll pass....
My mother told me to always look picture perfect. It took me so long to realize what she was saying was no one would ever know the ugliness that went on in our home. We Did look so very pretty, a pretty family, that saw and felt the violence every waking day. I have so much rage in myself still, but have learned to control it. I never wanted to hurt anyone and would brake anything I could get my hands on and pulverize it. Rage and violence handed down and I passed it on to my daughter. When my daughter was only a child I would feel the rage coming and tell her....
"Go in your room honey, and don't come out until I tell you to ." I couldn't believe that I had it in me to hit a little girl, a sweet little slip of a girl, I was so ashamed. My mother beat me so bad I couldn't get up from the floor. I would look at my little girl and see me. See who I was and remember the first blow and how shocked I was more than hurt.
I passed all my bad habits onto my daughter, I may not have hit her but I hurt her in every other way. The drugs, the rage, the suicide attempts, the self hate. She has two daughters, seven and thirteen, and knows they will be her mirror image.
Breaking the chain of violence of more than six generations that I can trace back to, Wow, that will be something! thanks splendra

upanddownjj

I wonder if that is why I didn't have any children.....

Bless you sloane !

Live

How we see ourselves and how others see us often differ far more than we know. I know that when I look in the mirror, whether I feel ugly or attractive has more to do with how I am feeling about myself inside.
Whenever my hubby looks in the mirror all he can see is that he thinks he has a fat stomach. It bothers him alot. To me it is my comforting lumbar pillow that I love to snuggle against at night.
These aren't my secrets, so I understand that I am off topic.
I did grow up thinking I was ugly. Then like someone said, when I look at older photos, I am like hey, I looked good,...but that still isn't what I see in the mirror. I see the age spots, the wrinkles.....and with my coffee or tea in the morning I see all those perfectly beautiful women anchoring the news or doing the weather.
live

Arura

I remember when i wa a child living wih my gran.Id already gone off the rails at an early age, so i was'nt like Very much at school anyway

As there is a river separating were i grew up and others in the faily live on the OTHERSIDE, of the river,So i was bullyed as i had a strange acent.

I was a Hully gully or a yella belly...! laughed at loads. So that helped, along with some other stuff to build into Self loathing.Which is still with me today.

But there not there STILL gullys or yella bellys...

Thanks Kev for shaing that honi...x

c'est la vie

I've been carrying so many painful thoughts all my life that it's wearing me out. I figure if I can let them go, I'll feel better, but I'm afraid. It's almost like those things are what made me into who I am so I can't let go or I won't be me anymore. I hope I have a change of heart because all this stuff knaws at me constantly.

And I too have a poor self image. I don't even like my picture taken, because it's a constant reminder of what I look like. I'd rather believe that people can't see me (just like a toddler lol).

sloane2468

nogard, I was raised in a family of beautiful people. My beautiful mother wanted me in the best school, to join the best clubs, to make friends with all the right people. I went in the other direction, I couldn't stand all of the popular kids I was suppose to be friends with, they all wore masks, they were ugly inside. I would cut myself, I would pull my hair out one strand at a time. I loved to go to peoples homes that were full of love, laughter, warmth, hugs. I spent most of my childhood escaping my household to go to my neighbor lady, Gladys. She had dogs and cats and was always baking something in the oven. I didn't see myself as pretty, I never felt good about myself and am just learning to love myself.
Good looks on the outside doesn't count for me. It is how much heart someone has, how they treat other people, if they make me laugh and feel good about myself.
Thank you nogard for this post, if I had met you growing up, it's your friendship I would have wanted to share.