Secrets
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Has anyone gone thru some kind of therephy to deal with their childhood issues? I myself have not. I was always told in the very beginning of my recovery was to work on my alcoholism first then the rest later.
Today at 47 Im still having problems in my life because of what I went thru as a child. Are you the same way?
Ive been married 24 yrs with 2 lovely, intelligent kids, a boy 22 and a girl 19. Altho ive been the one sick in this family the other 3 have managed to continue on with life better than i ever realized. Good for them, but im jealous.
Do u find talking about things u went thru in the past is helping u today? For me it kinda does, esp. here because you believe me. Everytime i bring up my childhood abuse to my family, they feel sorry for me, but think its time to let go and move on.
How can one move on and forget the horrible abuse and trauma we went thru? I mean i dont sit here day in and day out feeling sorry for myself because since recovery i have learned alot about myself and behaviors.
It's time when my husband reaches out to hug me that I constantly push him away. And yet at my job, I hug strangers or my customers whom ive come to adore so dearly. Why is that? Here i have all the love i could possibly need right at home and yet i put up walls and shun my on little family.
That's what drives my family crazy.
The constant pushing away and saying leave me alone, dont touch me i need my space, im not in the mood, is a constant rollercoaster and tug a war with emotions.
I know my family will not hurt me yet i continue on setting up boundraries to hold them back. I really hate that i do this and yet it come so easy to do this.
It's a wonder im still married. I know my spouse has had enough of my crap for many yrs now. Why cant i live life in peace?
Now i see the affects of my disease has taken a toll on my spouse with his work and have suggested that he seek help to deal with his feelings with theraphy.
See how easy it is to want others to get fixed and yet im the one that still sick.
Almost 16 yrs sober coming up on 8-11-90 and I am extremely grateful for each day I have been sober. I know my HP has been with me thru all my ups and downs in recovery.
Im also grateful for u guys. Just knowing when i read ur shares that Im not alone. In each share i read i nod my head in agreement as to understand what each of u have gone thru in ur lifetime and childhood esp.
Children.....Why are children the first to cry and hurt the most.
Thanks for letting me share.
Today at 47 Im still having problems in my life because of what I went thru as a child. Are you the same way?
Ive been married 24 yrs with 2 lovely, intelligent kids, a boy 22 and a girl 19. Altho ive been the one sick in this family the other 3 have managed to continue on with life better than i ever realized. Good for them, but im jealous.
Do u find talking about things u went thru in the past is helping u today? For me it kinda does, esp. here because you believe me. Everytime i bring up my childhood abuse to my family, they feel sorry for me, but think its time to let go and move on.
How can one move on and forget the horrible abuse and trauma we went thru? I mean i dont sit here day in and day out feeling sorry for myself because since recovery i have learned alot about myself and behaviors.
It's time when my husband reaches out to hug me that I constantly push him away. And yet at my job, I hug strangers or my customers whom ive come to adore so dearly. Why is that? Here i have all the love i could possibly need right at home and yet i put up walls and shun my on little family.
That's what drives my family crazy.
The constant pushing away and saying leave me alone, dont touch me i need my space, im not in the mood, is a constant rollercoaster and tug a war with emotions.
I know my family will not hurt me yet i continue on setting up boundraries to hold them back. I really hate that i do this and yet it come so easy to do this.
It's a wonder im still married. I know my spouse has had enough of my crap for many yrs now. Why cant i live life in peace?
Now i see the affects of my disease has taken a toll on my spouse with his work and have suggested that he seek help to deal with his feelings with theraphy.
See how easy it is to want others to get fixed and yet im the one that still sick.
Almost 16 yrs sober coming up on 8-11-90 and I am extremely grateful for each day I have been sober. I know my HP has been with me thru all my ups and downs in recovery.
Im also grateful for u guys. Just knowing when i read ur shares that Im not alone. In each share i read i nod my head in agreement as to understand what each of u have gone thru in ur lifetime and childhood esp.
Children.....Why are children the first to cry and hurt the most.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: north carolina
Posts: 19
I have been coming to this board off and on for quite some time.I like reading posts. It has made me realize that addiction affects so many differnt types of people in so many ways.
But this post....BAM! This is it, folks, for me. A poor self image absolutely controls my life. It beats me up everyday. It drives me to drink, as well as other strange little self destructive habits of mine.
OMG, I am sitting here crying right now. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. I wish I could just let go of whatever it is that haunts me and brings me to such lows.
Bad body image? Oh ya...it's at the very top of the list I have of my faults. I have a body that most would kill to have, and yet I am so afraid of slipping. Can't gain a pound! Must go to the gym! I feel like if I lost this figure of mine, nobody would ever notice me again. I'd just be invisible, I guess because deep down inside I don't value anything else about myself.
Thank you, original poster, for your honesty...you are not alone! Although I didn't provide any answers for you! But sometimes a post can just remind us that we are not alone.
But this post....BAM! This is it, folks, for me. A poor self image absolutely controls my life. It beats me up everyday. It drives me to drink, as well as other strange little self destructive habits of mine.
OMG, I am sitting here crying right now. This has hit me like a ton of bricks. I wish I could just let go of whatever it is that haunts me and brings me to such lows.
Bad body image? Oh ya...it's at the very top of the list I have of my faults. I have a body that most would kill to have, and yet I am so afraid of slipping. Can't gain a pound! Must go to the gym! I feel like if I lost this figure of mine, nobody would ever notice me again. I'd just be invisible, I guess because deep down inside I don't value anything else about myself.
Thank you, original poster, for your honesty...you are not alone! Although I didn't provide any answers for you! But sometimes a post can just remind us that we are not alone.
everything is already ok
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Melbourne Victoria Australia
Posts: 19,793
Originally Posted by lbadeker
Thanks for sharing that Kevin. Your honesty is inspiring. 
Hope your having a bonza (wonderful) weekend 
Kevin
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 178
Your post Kevin really started something here. It's wonderful.
As a child, I always felt "less than". Even though I got very good grades, I would pretend to be sick so I wouldn't have to go to school. My self-esteem was pretty much non-existent. Even through high school, I felt this way.
Then came college and DRINKING. I became a social butterfly. When I got older, I started drugs (no hangover, esp. when you have more to do in the morning). Now, I given it all up and have for some time. But it's been catching up to me. I'm on medical leave from my job (no pay) and the longer I stay out, the more I feel I can't go back. I don't know where I'm going with this, so I'm going to stop. But, maybe I can come back to it.
Thanks Kevin,
Carol
As a child, I always felt "less than". Even though I got very good grades, I would pretend to be sick so I wouldn't have to go to school. My self-esteem was pretty much non-existent. Even through high school, I felt this way.
Then came college and DRINKING. I became a social butterfly. When I got older, I started drugs (no hangover, esp. when you have more to do in the morning). Now, I given it all up and have for some time. But it's been catching up to me. I'm on medical leave from my job (no pay) and the longer I stay out, the more I feel I can't go back. I don't know where I'm going with this, so I'm going to stop. But, maybe I can come back to it.
Thanks Kevin,
Carol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
It's hard to believe all the abuse i went thru as a child. None of my other brothers and sister endured such pain as i did. Our family looked good from the outside but inside the home was disfunction and caos. My brothers and sister seemed to know how to run when all hell broke loose and for me once fear was instilled in me I became paralized.
From the the time i remember when i was little and the physical and verbal abuse began I was told to never let anyone know what went on behind closed doors. So after the beating I endured..why u ask....well....my mom wanted evrything to be PERFECT. EMMACULATE and I was chosen to be the keeper of the house. The maid....a little child with a HUGE task to do EVERYDAY from morning till night. If the house was not perfect in her eyes when she returned from work,,,,guess who got beat? If i failed a test guess who got waylaid? Belts, buckles, hair brushes, ..if she caught me eating anything she would beat me then pour tobasco on them for me to eat. : (
Today I LOVE HOT STUFF.... : )
Then i had to go to school in grade school, high school with welps on me, black eyes, busted lips.....and i wasnt suppose to let others know why i looked the way i did. What was i suppose to say? So i lied to protect the good name of my family and my mom.
And then it was a wonder no one liked me. I looked weird to the other kids.
As time went on i began to toughen up to ward off the harassars. the bullies....As much as i knew where the alcohol was in my house, im surprised i didnt begin to drink at an early age. I saw what impact it had on my own mom...going from dr.jeckle to mr. hyde that i swore i never wanted to be like her.
It wasnt untill close to 16 17 that i began to really drink.
At 18 19 i left home and moved into an Apt working full time.
I began to harbor resentments at the life i lived as a child. So the more i drank the more i numbed the pain i felt.
Today 15 yrs down the road in recovery, i still reflect on my childhood past and all that i endured. Ive had to let go of those resentments because they were coming back to haunt me.
I believe Ive come a long way since those dark days and im slowly learning to love myself and trying to break down those barriers I had build up around me to avoid getting hurt
From the the time i remember when i was little and the physical and verbal abuse began I was told to never let anyone know what went on behind closed doors. So after the beating I endured..why u ask....well....my mom wanted evrything to be PERFECT. EMMACULATE and I was chosen to be the keeper of the house. The maid....a little child with a HUGE task to do EVERYDAY from morning till night. If the house was not perfect in her eyes when she returned from work,,,,guess who got beat? If i failed a test guess who got waylaid? Belts, buckles, hair brushes, ..if she caught me eating anything she would beat me then pour tobasco on them for me to eat. : (
Today I LOVE HOT STUFF.... : )
Then i had to go to school in grade school, high school with welps on me, black eyes, busted lips.....and i wasnt suppose to let others know why i looked the way i did. What was i suppose to say? So i lied to protect the good name of my family and my mom.
And then it was a wonder no one liked me. I looked weird to the other kids.
As time went on i began to toughen up to ward off the harassars. the bullies....As much as i knew where the alcohol was in my house, im surprised i didnt begin to drink at an early age. I saw what impact it had on my own mom...going from dr.jeckle to mr. hyde that i swore i never wanted to be like her.
It wasnt untill close to 16 17 that i began to really drink.
At 18 19 i left home and moved into an Apt working full time.
I began to harbor resentments at the life i lived as a child. So the more i drank the more i numbed the pain i felt.
Today 15 yrs down the road in recovery, i still reflect on my childhood past and all that i endured. Ive had to let go of those resentments because they were coming back to haunt me.
I believe Ive come a long way since those dark days and im slowly learning to love myself and trying to break down those barriers I had build up around me to avoid getting hurt
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Wow.... this is like a mini-4th step for me.
Both folks alcoholic, mom born of alcoholics and raised by an alcoholic and nasty-mean alanonic granma...
Dad was a poor Okie, raised during the depression by an alcoholic father and one mean mamma....
They did the best they knew how to do with the skills they had. They both treated me better than they themselves were treated... they gave me more material things than either had.
I was the oldest. While the younger two often conspired together on how to best avoid beatings (they BOTH had BOOKS in their pants, the cheaters...); I talked back and defied and tried to protect (sometimes) the 'little kids'.
Dad carried around a A HUUUGGGEEE resentment against his older brother... who I reminded him of. He sometimes even called me "Chuck" when he was raging. His baby sister was heavy, and I looked like her - so the minute my height slowed down and the weight started on... he would call me "lard-ass" - I think he honestly believed I was somehow blind to the weight gain and that he needed to point it out to me.
Mom gave me such mixed messages... I was always "you idiot, why didn't you know better" at the same time she was telling me, "you're the smart one, you should be getting all A's!".
Even though I think I started to forgive them, even as a child (I remember thinking - at age 10 - that I was soooo much more mature than either of them); I still carry around some of the "damage".
That "lard-ass" tape runs all by itself, even though I know it was out of fear of not having his daughter be accepted that he called me that.
When I look in the mirror, some days I see the "lard-ass", and when I talk, some days I hear the "you are SUCH an idiot!"
I tried to not do the same to my kids, but ended up having my own blind spots and did plenty of raging and "discounting" Mr. Big in front of both of them....
I do feel "less than" in particular situations.... not as often as I used to, but it still sneaks up on me some days.
Both folks alcoholic, mom born of alcoholics and raised by an alcoholic and nasty-mean alanonic granma...
Dad was a poor Okie, raised during the depression by an alcoholic father and one mean mamma....
They did the best they knew how to do with the skills they had. They both treated me better than they themselves were treated... they gave me more material things than either had.
I was the oldest. While the younger two often conspired together on how to best avoid beatings (they BOTH had BOOKS in their pants, the cheaters...); I talked back and defied and tried to protect (sometimes) the 'little kids'.
Dad carried around a A HUUUGGGEEE resentment against his older brother... who I reminded him of. He sometimes even called me "Chuck" when he was raging. His baby sister was heavy, and I looked like her - so the minute my height slowed down and the weight started on... he would call me "lard-ass" - I think he honestly believed I was somehow blind to the weight gain and that he needed to point it out to me.
Mom gave me such mixed messages... I was always "you idiot, why didn't you know better" at the same time she was telling me, "you're the smart one, you should be getting all A's!".
Even though I think I started to forgive them, even as a child (I remember thinking - at age 10 - that I was soooo much more mature than either of them); I still carry around some of the "damage".
That "lard-ass" tape runs all by itself, even though I know it was out of fear of not having his daughter be accepted that he called me that.
When I look in the mirror, some days I see the "lard-ass", and when I talk, some days I hear the "you are SUCH an idiot!"
I tried to not do the same to my kids, but ended up having my own blind spots and did plenty of raging and "discounting" Mr. Big in front of both of them....
I do feel "less than" in particular situations.... not as often as I used to, but it still sneaks up on me some days.
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