splendra

I hate to say this but, when I used to drink I could be really mean and hateful. I know that is not how I really am. I was afraid and defensive and it came across mean and hateful many times I am sure. Especially if a man was trying to pick me up in a bar. It was a fine line for me between being a little ornrey to down right mean.

I think people who are violent with words and deeds like I was are very afraid and maybe angry too but, mostly it was fear. I am so glad I got clean and had a team of shrinks working with me. I still shudder sometimes when I think of a few incidences when I was drinking. There is one person that I hope I did not mame for life but, I did not know his name or how to get in touch with him either and I was out of town at the time so I do not know how to make amends to this person except to vow to never do anything like that again. I pray for him all the time. My sponser and I went over it several times on my 4th step and again on my 8th and 9th steps.

I know the real me would never do anything like what I did but, the real me was not present at the time. I feel like I really do understand what makes people be violent I know it does not make it right. I am glad I can admit that I was violent and can reckonize when my fear and anger are on the verge of getting out of control.

My mom was very violent while I was a child and being around this made me very fearful and we can't leave off angry too. It is still no excuse to continue the cycle. I know there has to be a God in heaven because I did not have a child before I had enough therapy to not put this dish of cr@p on my child's plate.

I know many unsuspecting people become involved with a violent, fearful, angry alcoholic/addict like me. Quitting drinking is just not enough to end this cause the behavior will continue if we drink or, not if we do not get help with this. Get help!!

I am sure that not all people who experience violence in a relationship are women.

I was trying to fight off my demons but, hey that is no excuse either. If you are violent you know who you are, learn to deal with your fear and anger before you do something you can't take back and will always regret. Drinking and drugging only makes it worse and we become less inhibited about doing something to hurt another human being.

Oh yea, and in case you don't know it driving while drunk or high is a potientally violent act and it shows how little reguard we have for our fellow human being and ourselves while loaded and just how sick we really are...I drove while drunk all the time which just shows me even more that there really is a HP out there for us. Don't let fear take you down please. Thanx for letting me share.

mertyl

I am verbally and emotionally violent and mean when i drink. And its usually because i bottle up anger and it tends to come out then. And, i too, grew up in that senario, only verbally. And no alcohol was needed to fuel their fire.

good luck
mertyl

Sugah

I, too, was a violent drunk. Even in recovery, I've felt rage, and once -- once! -- I lashed out. I was so ashamed. I wanted that character defect to be gone. I prayed, I talked to my sponsor, and finally, what it came down to was that the rage inside me was this little pile of resentments I wasn't willing to let go of. I spent a lot of time contemplating the damage that these resentments towards folks who'd hurt me in the past were allowing them to still hurt me in that then-present. I finally came to the conclusion that the only way to stop them from continuing to hurt me was to let them go. Become willing, pray and pray, and then let them go. I had to forgive. That didn't mean I approved. Acceptance of past hurts is in no way a condoning of behavior. But my side of it -- that hurt I hung onto -- was mine to deal with.

There came a time when I let at least enough of that go to dissipate the rage. I suspect that there's still something in there. I run into an old resentment now and then, and when I do, I run it through the same process. I ask myself, "Do I want to give this person/place/act anymore of my life?" If the answer is no, which it usually is, then I pray for the willingness to let go of it.

Violent? This mother of four, more-often-than-not patient person most consider to be easy-going and hard to rattle, student & peer mentor....has a police record to prove her prior violent nature.

My last act of rage was in January, 2004, and I hope I can keep that "rage recovery" date. I believe I'll make it through today, at least!

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Luckyv2

My name is Vic and I am an addict! Probably a lot less mean clean, but then again I can have my days also. I don't think personally that I will ever be perfect and yet that is what I strive for. I know how mean that I would get, I would punch out windshields (about 5), I would be verbally abusive and sometimes I think that has more of a affect than the physical.

I remember one time, not sure what the fight was about, but my wife (now ex) was hitting me in the face a total of 20 times, I counted each one! On the 19 hit, I said now are you done? And she hit me again and said now I am done. I hit her on the side of the head, I had never hit a woman (besides my sister ) in my life. She feel to the ground with one blow. I said that I would never hit a woman again, and up to today, I haven't hit one.

Am I that person today, no, not at all, but yet I can say hateful things to some people and then when I do my inventory at night, and look at myself, to see where I could have done better. Today they are a lot further apart than what they used to be. I was a very, very hateful person, and even here on the Internet, people don't understand that the way that they express themselves here show just as much as if it was in real life. Those people I have no place for in my life today. I don't try to take other peoples inventory and yet I do. However, my counselor said one time, that you are not judging them if that is there actions all the time.

I have a few people that I don't even look at what they post, because this is a program of ESH. Some people (including myself) need to really be careful with how they post, it drives people away. A little bit of compassion, and love go a lot further than telling someone that they need to get real.

Love Vic

upanddownjj

the only way to stop them from continuing to hurt me was to let them go. Become willing, pray and pray, and then let them go. I had to forgive. That didn't mean I approved. Acceptance of past hurts is in no way a condoning of behavior. But my side of it -- that hurt I hung onto -- was mine to deal with.

That is the answer....and I tell you..after seven years, I think I have them all dredged up and let go, and something I missed will come crawling out of a little dark corner and blind-side me...so back to the drawing board.
I'm so glad we have a SOLUTION !!!!!

So far all my anger has turned inward and I've becomed very depressed..but it lessens every time I do this exercise..I think it is because I lived with a rageaholic as I grew up and don't want to inflict it on someone else..however, there are some longtimers who have said that it may still come up....ooooooooo I hope not...& that is probably a sign that I know it is still there eh ??

I hate feeling anger Janni

daveagle

when i am sober, i am the nicest person in the world -ask anybody-and i am the best dad in the world, naturally -ask my kids

but, it used to take just one comment/gesture in the bad days and my attitude was "well if you come after me, you better make sure that you kill me or i will surely come back and kill you"-those days are gone, thank God

drink would turn me from a great bloke to a total maniac

dave

splendra

(((dave)))(((janni)))((((vic)))((((sugiebabe))))(( (mertyl))) thanx a million for sharing ya'll are brave and believe I see a lot of recovery here.

I want to say this as well nobody ought to take violence from another person protect your children they do not deserve to be afraid or taught that this is how adults treat one another.

If you feel afraid around your S/O you are most likely dealing with someone who is violent even if they do not hit you. I am sure all major cities in the USA have domestic violence hot lines and I think this is true in the UK as well. Don't follow alanon's plan of detaching and letting go from a violent spouce. Although if you do not no how to get help probably someone at an alanon meeting does know what to do or where the nearest shelter is. Reach out and get help. It's scary I know still put your safety above all else.

Men too live in violence and they need to get help too. It is not cool that a man would have to hit a woman to make her stop attacking him. I know several women who have been hit by men because she is biting, kicking, scratching ,or punching then and is way out of control. Men are much stronger than us girls but they hurt and bleed just like we do. Women go to jail for this stuff too. Violent raging people know how to work their S/O into a corner male or female. Be alert, be smart. It is okay for a man to call the cops on a woman who is out of control and beating them it might get them into anger management sooner too.

Violent behavior has patterns and triggers and we who have a tendency to get this way have to start looking honesty at our patterns and triggers an learn how to take a deep deep breath and count to 1 million before we take this stuff out on any other human being it can keep us out of jail and from hurting anyone. This stuff is from our past it is over when we let it be over.

Never think your children don't pick up on how you are living your life cause they do not miss a thing even in the womb they are alert and can hear and feel vibrations and if the mother is in fight or flight mode the child will be too...love yousssssss

bob123

Depends, but often was snarling ,horrible, violent and full off hatred. If I couldnt find some stranger(s) to pick a fight with , could turn against friends. I think I was turning on my friends as a wind up.. not sure, but they didnt know that.. People dont really want that when they go for a night out, lost bulk of friends over years. Would find a new bunch of people too hang out with but they would soon have enough. Often would wake up and only know I had been in a fight by the bruises on my face or redness of my knuckles. Theres a town I used to drink in and caused a lot of trouble, have to completely avoid going there, to do so would be risky to my safety.

Josiol

In the beginning of my drinking I wasn't, but in the last year of my drinking I definitely was. I was so unhappy with myself that after I'd had a few....or more than a few I would constantly pick arguements with my husband over the craziest things. I would also slam doors, etc.... The worst thing I've done while drunk is to threaten my husband with a knife. This was 2 months ago and that's when I realized that I was completely out of control and needed help. I started an out patient treatment program the next week which lasted 5 weeks and I haven't had a drink since that awful night.

splendra

People with addiction problems sometimes rely on their parents for support and have been known to get violent with their parents who are getting older and are able to work them into a corner as well in order to manipulate them into giving money or a car to go to score or to the bar and this is messed up too. I have heard that adult addicts and alcoholics who live with their elderly parents have used forced to make the parents stay in their rooms or a certain part of the house while their "friends" come over. It is a hostage situation and it is very abusive.

Mom's and Dad's have the right to call the cops on a child who is out of control and demanding that they give them money or their car or threatening them in any way.

If you have elderly parents who have been invaded by an addicted sibling make sure they are not being held hostage by your sibling. In the US there are elderly abuse hotlines as well...

PaperDolls

Thanks for sharing splendra. What you said above -- that's me to a "T". I don't think I could have ever put into words. When ever I think about it....I feel so guilty and shameful my thinking just stops there. Thank you for letting me read this. It gives me some insight into myself and may be I can work on my shame and guilt.


doll

splendra

((((Bob))))((((Josiol)))((((Paperdolls))))

Thank you for showing up here and owning what you have done.

It seems that most of ya'll think it was just the alcohol or dope that made you do these things. I don't know about the rest of ya'll but sometimes I still feel this stuff welling up in me especially when it seems like things ain't going my way.

Okay, I know I am not going to actually hit anyone unless I am defending my life but, sometimes I am running on automatic and I think violent thoughts and just because I ain't beating anyone phyiscally doesn't mean I am not doing some damage. I have caught myself several times getting ready to bop someone up side the head. I am thankful that shame does keep me from these acts. Thoughts have power and I want to be able to recognize the road that leads me to these thoughts. I recognize that when things are not going my way that I can get there pretty fast.

Does anyone else notice some kind of pattern that leads them to violent thoughts ?

PapaG

In the earlier days of my drinking I could become very very aggressive. I even hit my ex-girlfriend once. It was me that ended up in hospital though...The most violent act of that particular night was when I head-butted my way through a wardrobe and had to go into A+E to get the cuts on my head checked out. It was six weeks before i saw my ex again. I never hit her again after that although the relationship was doomed anyway due to personal incompatibility. In more recent times, as i have calmed down mentally, I still had my moments. It was more verbal abuse...idle threats to my current girlfriend. She won't let me forget that I did that and i don't blame her. I am not making excuses, but the worst times were always when my anxiety condition was at it's worst and I mixed drink with anti-depressant medication. The two things do not and cannot work together. At the moment, I am very happy to be sober again (the best time in my life was a 4 and a half year period of sobriety which ended just under a year ago) and have been getting back to some semblence of normality mentally over the last 2 weeks. It is going to stay that way. I think the recent "relapse" which lasted some 11 months was a learning curve. A reminder that I still can't drink - especially as a sufferer of Generalised Anxiety Disorder with a touch of social anxiety disordere thrown in for bad measure. Anxiety causes frustration which can come out aggressively, especially as it in turn causes depression.

Thank you for letting me share that, I do not ask your forgiveness - it's up to me to sort my problem and to FORGIVE MYSELF for all that I have done, that's moving on. However, your understanding and similarity in kind are key at the moment. I thank you all for listening in advance.

That was A GREAT POST! Thanks

mertyl

I used to throw things alot, even when i wasnt drinking if i was angry. Not at anyone, just at walls or across the room. didnt take much to fuel me.
my xhusband, who was the calmest peron i have ever known, got really tired of this and one day, and he never yelled, ever once, picked up the kitchen table and flipped it over and slid it hard across the kitchen toward me. It shocked me so bad, i started crying. And all he said was" there. you see how stupid and childish throwing things is. Did it solve anything?"
I have never thrown anything since then. And how he put up with that nonsense for so long, i will never know.

god bless
mertyl

splendra

((mertl))))

so what made you angry? any triggers? or patterns besides anger?

I believe my tendency towards violence had little to do with my drinking and druging they only gave me premission or lack of care to act out but, the desire was there before I ever drank or drugged...

Sugah

My fears were the biggest triggers. I would strike out, whether or not I would be hit back, because I felt...tougher. Even if I took a good beating, I would know that I had the conjones to hit first. I was the aggressor. The times in my drinking that I was attacked before I could strike the first blow were what I remember as the nightmare times, even if I wasn't physically harmed as much as I was when I instigated a fight.

Resentments also fueled fights. If someone reminded me, whether through actions or appearance, of someone in my life who threatened me, I might be violent. If I was cheated on in a relationship, it didn't take much to fuel me to anger and violence if I felt they were paying too much attention to another woman or not enough to me. I very rarely fought with women, and I can't remember a single physical fight with a woman while drinking -- only verbal assaults.

Then there was ego. If I didn't feel I was respected or valued enough, if I didn't get my own way, that could be cause for a violent incident. It was the cause of the last bout of rage, while I was sober.

I just now thought of something. Just a little while ago, I smacked my dog on the hindquarters. She jumped passed me while I sat on the steps, knocking a potted tomato plant over & cracking the pot. A friend of mine was standing in the yard, and she was greeting him. When I did it, he (a great animal lover, especially of dogs) said, "She doesn't know any better."

He was right. I think Rosie will get a cookie from me soon as an amends. I give it now, she might try to knock over all the pots....*sigh*

Peace & Love,
Sugah

bob123

I occasionally find my mind wondering , playing out violent revenge attacks on people who who I deemed to have "wronged" me in the past. These may be people who beat me up or ridiculed me when I was in a drunken state. I have to snap myself out of these thoughts..These thoughts come sober... been sober from booze for 3 weeks..no idea if these will go with more sober time..

PapaG

I would only say that I have been dealing with stuff like that for a long time but have found recently that CBT helps a great deal with those thoughts. As far as I remember from some of your other posts that you have tried soime of this therapy but with time one becomes able to neutralise these angry thoughts by not accepting them fully and replacing them with some kind of positive statement. If you can keep literally "binning" those thoughts as rubbish and replace that old neural pathway with a positive one then things do seem do-able. I am a long way from being fully recovered from my anxiety and the subsequent aggression/depression that it inevitably brings, but CBT is definitely a very good way to go. I'm thinking of trying Neuro - Linguistic Programming also as I've heard very good things about it.

"This calmness, this peace, is yours..it is stored in your emotional brain...." Thomas.A.Richards:

Peace Out

Sorry, but what is CBT?

Peace Out

splendra

CBT= Cognitive Behavior Therapy