His court process begins...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
His court process begins...
I have two different issues right now. Before I get into the first one, let me confirm that I know that actions speak louder than words, and we've been down this "I'm quitting" path more times than I can count. I guess I want reassurance and/or insight. I don't think this time is different, but his timing sucks. He went to his first court appearance, and it was pushed back (this happened several times last time too...I don't know what the deal is). After that day, his attorney introduced him to the DA and said, "This is the one I was talking about that we might want to get some counseling for." The atty also told AH to call him for some counselor suggestions. AH did, and last night he started some 4-month weekly session. He said his assessment led them to believe "he had a problem with alcohol," and after last night's, he didn't drink. Again, we've done the "I'm quitting" thing too many times, and I don't buy it. Do you agree that he is most likely not serious about this? I think it's just part of him trying to avoid trouble, but I hate that it's coming right at a point where my apartment is almost ready.
My next thing is that last night, he got his first "plea bargain" from the DA. Last time, the first offer was reduced after some negotiation. I guess that will happen again, but one thing did stick out. There was a request for him to attend an SAFPF, or Substance Abuse Felony Punishment Facility. It's like a 6 - 9 month program coordinated through the state prison system, and then you stay in "half way" house for 3 months. I was shocked! I mean, I know he's now facing felony charges, but I guess I never really thought this would happen. I don't know if I was in la-la land, but I thought he wouldn't end up in something like this! I guess if it's good for him, fine, but this goes beyond that. My security has always been one of my major humps to get over to go out by myself. I don't have that fear of being alone...I have the fear of failing at my job and not having someone to catch me financially. If he's in a half-way house, I'm going to go ahead and say he's not going to have my back! I know he's a felon, but he's really this clean cut, professional kind of guy. That's not the point here, though. The point is that my "security" could be taken away anyway, whether I stay or go. I had not considered that!
My next thing is that last night, he got his first "plea bargain" from the DA. Last time, the first offer was reduced after some negotiation. I guess that will happen again, but one thing did stick out. There was a request for him to attend an SAFPF, or Substance Abuse Felony Punishment Facility. It's like a 6 - 9 month program coordinated through the state prison system, and then you stay in "half way" house for 3 months. I was shocked! I mean, I know he's now facing felony charges, but I guess I never really thought this would happen. I don't know if I was in la-la land, but I thought he wouldn't end up in something like this! I guess if it's good for him, fine, but this goes beyond that. My security has always been one of my major humps to get over to go out by myself. I don't have that fear of being alone...I have the fear of failing at my job and not having someone to catch me financially. If he's in a half-way house, I'm going to go ahead and say he's not going to have my back! I know he's a felon, but he's really this clean cut, professional kind of guy. That's not the point here, though. The point is that my "security" could be taken away anyway, whether I stay or go. I had not considered that!
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Looks like he’ll be facing the consequences of his choices. Funny how life does that to a person.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could make decisions based on being able to handle your own security? And what makes you think you can't anyway? Just because you're use to having a financial "safety net"?
Lots of folks live just fine w/out one of those you know.
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could make decisions based on being able to handle your own security? And what makes you think you can't anyway? Just because you're use to having a financial "safety net"?
Lots of folks live just fine w/out one of those you know.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
TG-I understand the "financial safety-net". The part of my brain that is still working (small part..haha) tells me that while AH is still in active addiction, it is probably not as "safe" as I want to believe.
Perhaps this is all apart of your HP's timing....
Prayers and hugs going out to you and your husband. Lots on your mind and heart, I can understand.
Perhaps this is all apart of your HP's timing....
Prayers and hugs going out to you and your husband. Lots on your mind and heart, I can understand.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Gosh, why don't you contact TomsGirl or go back and read her posts. She too had the hope that her AH jail time would help him and he seemed to be good at first ..... then right back to the way he was. Go ahead, look at her posts.
Personally I'm glad your husband got this ... it's 100% what he deserved.
Personally I'm glad your husband got this ... it's 100% what he deserved.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Since you already have an apartment lined up I say move in.
IF (and big if) your H gets it together, which will take time,
you can always move back. I say full speed ahead with a life
that will help you to mature and strengthen your ability to live
your own life.
IF (and big if) your H gets it together, which will take time,
you can always move back. I say full speed ahead with a life
that will help you to mature and strengthen your ability to live
your own life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
TG, your thinking is still so "in the box." You view yourself as this helpless girl. When in fact, you already are an independant GROWN adult woman....you need to start changing your dialogue. Who will you fall back on? You'll fall back on yourself. If that fails because you are truly not capable, do you honestly think your parents will let you starve or go homeless? You are making a bigger issue of this safety net than need be. You'll do what you have to do to survive.
People often ask me when I'm out with all the kids, "how do you do it?" I realize they don't get what they're saying. I remember only having one child and thinking it was emotionally taxing, trying and hard. I did it though, you know why? Because I had to. He was my child. It isn't much different now that I have four children, I "do it" because I have to, they are my children. Looking back, I having one child seems like a piece of cake but I know it's all revelant to what you're used too. So having four doesn't discount how hard it is for the mother of just one.
My point to all that is, you will take care of yourself because you have to....end of story. Your fear that paralyzes you takes up way too much of your time.
About whether or not your ah is serious? who knows....you don't, we don't, he doesn't but why does his declarition of "I'm done now" mean a halt to your plans. You're like me, I used to wait for this "big episode" to happen to move on. I wanted something big to happen so I could leave and be right, it wouldn't be my fault, I wouldn't have guilt, etc. You know what? The big things kept coming and I did the same as I always did, as you do, I'd stand there and listen to his lies, believe him and BAM, I was stuck again. A big thing isn't what will make you leave, it isn't any easier during an episode. You aren't more equipped to handle it just because he did/does something really shitt y.
So is he done drinking? who knows and it shouldn't matter.
People often ask me when I'm out with all the kids, "how do you do it?" I realize they don't get what they're saying. I remember only having one child and thinking it was emotionally taxing, trying and hard. I did it though, you know why? Because I had to. He was my child. It isn't much different now that I have four children, I "do it" because I have to, they are my children. Looking back, I having one child seems like a piece of cake but I know it's all revelant to what you're used too. So having four doesn't discount how hard it is for the mother of just one.
My point to all that is, you will take care of yourself because you have to....end of story. Your fear that paralyzes you takes up way too much of your time.
About whether or not your ah is serious? who knows....you don't, we don't, he doesn't but why does his declarition of "I'm done now" mean a halt to your plans. You're like me, I used to wait for this "big episode" to happen to move on. I wanted something big to happen so I could leave and be right, it wouldn't be my fault, I wouldn't have guilt, etc. You know what? The big things kept coming and I did the same as I always did, as you do, I'd stand there and listen to his lies, believe him and BAM, I was stuck again. A big thing isn't what will make you leave, it isn't any easier during an episode. You aren't more equipped to handle it just because he did/does something really shitt y.
So is he done drinking? who knows and it shouldn't matter.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
TG, how many times have you read on this board about someone being forced into treatment by the "system?" Now, how many times do you remember reading that it worked and they stayed sober?
He will get sober when he wants to, or he won't. Nothing you or his lawyer, or the DA, or the judge, or his boss, or the mortgage company, or Dr. Phil, or anyone else does can make it his bottom. Only he can do that. You can continue to wait, and wait, and wait, hoping that this time will finally be it. Or you can get on with your life and let him get on with his.
I'm 43 years old and I finally got tired of waiting. How old will you be when you get tired of waiting?
L
He will get sober when he wants to, or he won't. Nothing you or his lawyer, or the DA, or the judge, or his boss, or the mortgage company, or Dr. Phil, or anyone else does can make it his bottom. Only he can do that. You can continue to wait, and wait, and wait, hoping that this time will finally be it. Or you can get on with your life and let him get on with his.
I'm 43 years old and I finally got tired of waiting. How old will you be when you get tired of waiting?
L
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Let me say TG that I too think your AH is getting exactly what he deserves and so what if it stings? It SHOULD sting b/c what he did repeatedly could have killed someone.
Security? Let me just say that I am now jobless with no real prospects in sight and in a brand new apartment with a small amount in savings and I feel more secure now than I EVER did with my AH. Good luck and have confidence in yourself that you can do it alone!
Security? Let me just say that I am now jobless with no real prospects in sight and in a brand new apartment with a small amount in savings and I feel more secure now than I EVER did with my AH. Good luck and have confidence in yourself that you can do it alone!
Just one of the gang
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: USA
Posts: 73
Hi Tex,
First a hello hug ((((Texasgirl! ))), and then an observation.
An active alcoholic doesn't have your back. An active alcoholic is walking on a ledge, and while he may look like he's doing okay, all it's going to take is one big gust of wind and over he goes. But you've seen that with your own eyes. It must be easy to see now that the security you felt you had with him was really an illusion. It is scarey to go it on your own if you've never had to, but you are probably stronger than you think. Heck, you've withstood life with an alcoholic! If money issues scare you get a second job. You can now that your second job isn't going to be him.
You can do it.
Dop
First a hello hug ((((Texasgirl! ))), and then an observation.
An active alcoholic doesn't have your back. An active alcoholic is walking on a ledge, and while he may look like he's doing okay, all it's going to take is one big gust of wind and over he goes. But you've seen that with your own eyes. It must be easy to see now that the security you felt you had with him was really an illusion. It is scarey to go it on your own if you've never had to, but you are probably stronger than you think. Heck, you've withstood life with an alcoholic! If money issues scare you get a second job. You can now that your second job isn't going to be him.
You can do it.
Dop
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I went thru, helped with the 1st after court ordeal... the following 2 he was on his own. Like I read before ~ Let Go or Be Dragged.
It was His choice to continue and it was my choice to look after myself... You just might surprise Yourself and maybe even realize that you contributed to your own survival (protecting your own back), more than you realized, all along... Either you are moving forward or you're slipping back.
It was His choice to continue and it was my choice to look after myself... You just might surprise Yourself and maybe even realize that you contributed to your own survival (protecting your own back), more than you realized, all along... Either you are moving forward or you're slipping back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
TexasGirl,
Look at it like this if you CHOOSE to not deal with your fear of being alone and live without a financial safety net you will NOT GROW SPIRITUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY and will ALWAYS end up in dysfunctional relationships based on fear and dependence.
I live alone, I own my home, have my own money, have savings. I'm my own financial security. Security comes from with in not with out.
Ngaire
Look at it like this if you CHOOSE to not deal with your fear of being alone and live without a financial safety net you will NOT GROW SPIRITUALLY AND EMOTIONALLY and will ALWAYS end up in dysfunctional relationships based on fear and dependence.
I live alone, I own my home, have my own money, have savings. I'm my own financial security. Security comes from with in not with out.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
Hey there TG -
Add me to the another on the list that provides for her own security...
I'm 37 and I've never had to rely on anyone since I've been on my own at 21...
I lived in NYC and worked 3 jobs to pay my bills and the rent for my tiny tiny apartment...
I'm still unemployed after 8 months and guess what??? I'm still paying my bills...
You can do it...
Add me to the another on the list that provides for her own security...
I'm 37 and I've never had to rely on anyone since I've been on my own at 21...
I lived in NYC and worked 3 jobs to pay my bills and the rent for my tiny tiny apartment...
I'm still unemployed after 8 months and guess what??? I'm still paying my bills...
You can do it...
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