lostnotfound

This is my first post in this forum. I was searching for something to give me guidance and found this site. I'm feeling a lot of things, that I don't have time to outline right now, and there is 8 years of history behind where things stand right now. I'll start with the following:

I'm about at my wits end and I don't know what to do. He and I got in another big fight. It starts with him getting nasty with me about something stupid. There was no violence, but the typical verbal crap. He was drunk, as per usual. He is upset with me because he says "I don't talk to him, he thinks I don't want to be around him etc etc. " He probably has a point. I have been distant with him. I'm angry with him, and I'm depressed. He's right. I don't want to be around him. He gets drunk just about every night. I can't stand to be around him when he's like that, and he's like that almost every night. He gets glassy eyed and slurs his speech and I don't even want to talk to him. It's a relief if he falls asleep on the sofa.

He's a great guy when he's sober, but the problem is, I've built up so much anger and resentment for the drinking and the temper fits, that I don't even want to be around him when he's NOT being a jerk.

I told him how I feel, and that I'm tired of him being drunk all the time not to mention his fits and throwing and breaking stuff. His responses include:

"I work hard..... I come home and mow the grass and help clean the house etc etc" Then he called me a primadonna because I don't mow the grass! Huh? I do plenty of other stuff.

"You don't understand.....my family is messed up" I told him he's a grown man and he can't blame his family for his behavior now. Is his family screwed up? Yes and he had a crappy childhood, but I don't buy it as an excuse for acting this way.

" My job is stressful...all you is sit at a desk" I guess he's the only one with a stressful job. His job IS stressful, but it's still not a valid excuse.

"You don't do anything so what else am I supposed to do?" Huh? He doesn't like it if I relax on the patio with a book. I guess I'm supposed to spend all my time entertaining him or working.

" You put your son (he's 22 and in the military ) up on a pedestal and he can do no wrong. He's always number one and I NEVER come first, ever" I love my son, but he's far from on a pedestal. I put my hisband before my son probably way more that I should have. God forbid I can be proud of my son.



His other responses include: calling me a snob ( the biggest snob he's ever known), a primadonna, a bitch, and a dyke ( because I have some online friends- other miliatry moms, and accusing me of having an affair.

What I don't understand is...the drinking does not make him any happier or more relaxed.... it makes him miserable, so how this is a antidote for all of the above, i don't know.

After all this ( this was about an hour and a half of yelling) he comes up and thinks I'm going to have sex with him! He's drunk, and I'm pissed off and now he's slobbering all over me. He stinks like stale beer and can't string a coherent sentance together and he thinks this turns me on??! I told him forget it, but he keeps me awake until 2:00am and won't leave me alone.

I've asked him to go to counseling. I will go too. He just laughs. I've been thinking of going by myself. I don't know what else to do. I don't want my marriage to end, but I can't take it the way things are. Maybe I was just stupid or too tolerant before and it's worn off. I don't know. I just know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable and watching him get drunk every night and wonder when his next temper fit will be. I have a mental checklist of things not to do so he doesn't get pissed, but there is always something new and unexpected to set him off. I'm tired...just tired of always being worried he will embarrass me or be a jerk in front of my family etc etc. How can someone with such good qualities also possess such terrible ones?

Have any of you done counseling before? Do you think it would help me to go by myself? I'm grasping for straws here.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to talk to someone about it because I feel like I'm loosing it. There is so much more but it would take volumes.

denny57

welcome, lostnotfound, glad you are here

yes, i am in individual counseling (very few therapists will work with someone still drinking or using); i also attend al-anon and love it.

please make sure to read all the "stickys" at the top of this forum. learn all you can about alcoholism and co-dependency. the more educated you become, the answers to your other questions will appear. in the meantime, try not to put any stock in what he is saying to you. he is lashing out and avoiding discussing the real problem: his drinking.

please keep coming back and posting. you don't have to go through this alone and there is a lot of wisdom to be gained here.

good luck to you.

lostnotfound

Thanks Denny. There is so much more to my story, and it helps to read others posts and see myself them. I'm really not the only person going throught this. My head tells me I'm crazy to stay, but it's just not that easy to end a marriage, and life you've built.

I've shared my story with family and some close friends and I know they shake their heads and don't understand how I continue to put up with it, but it's hard to walk away.

denny57

Our stories are never simple, but they are suprisingly similar in the basics.
Sounds like you love an alcoholic, much like the rest of us here.

I should have said therapists won't usually work with couples if one has an addiction that is not being addressed. Just wanted to clear that up.

I didn't talk too much to anyone about what I was going through. You will find many people here willing to share with you their experience and yes, they understand exactly what you are going through, including how hard it is to walk away. If you'd like face to face contact with those who understand Al-Anon or a similar program might help.

lostnotfound

My husband refuses to go to counseling, so if I go it will be on my own. I have considered Al Anon, but have not worked up the nerve to go.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... we are glad you found us and Denny is right you dont have to do this alone. I really understand the "working up the nerve" to go to al-anon, it took me forever to get to a meeting and even longer to actually participate with an open heart... but It has been well worth it for me, the face to face meetings ... hearing my story and knowing Im not the only one was an amazing release for me.

I also did theraphy which was wonderful in working through some of my issues, I strongly suggest both and I would not bother considering couples counceling cuz it would not do alot of good for you while he is still drinking.

Please learn all you can about this disease and dont take what he is saying personally, it really is not about you at all. One thing they stress is You did not cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it. I tried everything under the moon and nothing will work till they want to get help. The Alcoholic that brought me into Al-anon was not even that important to me ... he was just the last straw... I have a long history of Alcoholics in my history... but there are solutions and that is if you decide to stay or leave your Alcoholic.

I look forward to getting to know you... keep reading and posting, it helps to get it all out.

ASpouse

Yes I did the couselling and Al Anon. Your story is similar to mine, but my husbands explosions would come once or twice a year. My husband never verbally placed blame on his family, me, his childhood or anything he had gone through. I think he kept that all in his mind, just swirling around. AA helped him talk through his "stuff" and accept it. At least that is what I believe.

I set up one boundary when I was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired and it was this "When you are drinking, you do not exist in my life". So since he was drinking 24/7 the last 3 years of his alcoholic fog, basically I was on my own. When his explosions did come, I left the house for an hour or so. Came back and he was passed out and would sleep til the next day and then it was over until the next one. Sometimes I would get an apology, an empty one at that, so they didn't mean much to me.

Honestly, as I write this I wish all of you would have known him before and know him now ..... AA and recovery has done so much for this man that I love so much and Al Anon and therapy has done so much for me too.

Happily, he is recovering now 3 years and things are normal. Are they the way I want them to be? Well, not perfect, but so much better. I don't expect perfection from him or from myself.

lostnotfound

I don't leave the house when he has his tyrades, because I'm afraid of what he'll do. Not to himself, but to the house. He throws things, breaks stuff etc etc and I don't want my home destroyed.

He's been on good behavior the last couple days, but still drinking. Tonight is golf night which involves a lot of beer drinking, which then continues once he gets home. The end result will be either a tantrum or sitting on the sofa in a stupor, either of which is no longer acceptable to me. He gets mad because he says I don't talk to him or pay attention to him, but I can't have a conversation with someone who can't string a coherent sentance together, so I just don't talk.

ASpouse

Personally for me, it's only "stuff". (Thanks to comedian George Carlin for his monologue about stuff ..... stuff is replaceable with only more stuff!) My mental well being is more important to me than "stuff". I also found when my husband didn't have someone to "intimidate" during his tirades (me!) he was less destructive. In our case, it was better for me that I left.

You can't control what he does and doesn't do when he is drunk. Perhaps it's time for him to see exactly what a jerk he is when he is having a temper tantrum. Again, it's only stuff. If there is anything of value to you, then remove it from the house to keep it safe from the tirades of a sick alcoholic with a bad temper!

lostnotfound

You're right...it is only stuff, but stuff that I've worked very hard for.

I'm sure there will be a next time, so maybe when he starts I will just leave and see what happens. I've never done it so I don't really know what his reaction will be.

I try to just ignore him, tune him out as he is screaming at me, but he just keeps at me until he gets a reaction. If I don't react, he has thrown things at me. He has not hit me, but he has shoved me a couple times in the past. His last major tyrade, he hit me with a jacket he had in his hand. ( He was behind the sofa I was sitting on and swung it at my head)

There is a Jekyl and Hyde thing, because he is very sweet and kind when he's sober. It's just bizarre.

ASpouse

I worked hard for the "stuff" I have too ... but still, my mental well being is more important to me or priceless is another way to look at it.

His anger is escalating .... my very humble opinion he will hurt you over time.

denny57

I have had to examine my own behaviors. Yes, it is only stuff. When I was in this situation, I finally put my valuables in a box, and stowed them (yes, he broke something very important to me, stuff or not stuff). There was a time when, if it had been suggested to me to remove my stuff from harm, I would have insisted I shouldn't have to - he should just stop doing what he is doing. I was very hung up on that - him doing what was "right." Getting him to change. To be nice. TO STOP DRINKING.

I spent a lot of time getting in my own way. I have changed the focus to me and life has improved beyond measure.

pmaslan

First of all welcome to SR.....glad you found us...it has changed my
world completely.
He will break your "stuff" if you are there or not, so why not leave?
Swinging a jacket at you sounds mild but what if the zipper caught
you in the eye...not so mild being blind.
As you continue to post in this thread I can see that his behaviour is
becoming violent more and more.
I agree with Judy I too believe he will hurt you, really hurt you
over time.

lostnotfound

I guess, it's not so much the stuff in the house, but the house itself. He has damaged half the door frames in the house by slamming them so hard it breaks the frame. The last episode, he threw a chair across the kitchen and hit a cupboard door, breaking the door. He threw open the closet door so hard it hit the clock next to it and made a hole in the door.

All that was because I went to an information dinner that my chiropractor puts on. I told him where I was going in the morning. After he got home from golfing ( it was on Tuesday league night ) he apparently started calling my cell phone, which I had turned the ringer off during the dinner. When I left the dinner...I was there about 1 1/2 hours.... I had 4 missed calls from him and a message saying "where was I..etc etc. I called him right back and could tell he was mad. By the time I got home he was seething mad ( and drunk) and started his tyrade of screaming at me, accusing me of not telling him where I was...accuding me of being out having an affair...ignoring him by not answering my phone... I should not have turned it off during a meeting, i should answer it. I told him that's rude, he says it's not and on and on. He had gone over to my mother's to "ask her where I was" but she told me he said to her that I went to some kind of meeting ...so he knew where i was. A giant tantrum, breaking up the house over nothing.

ASpouse

..... and this behavior doesn't scare you? Yikes, I'd be afraid to sleep in that house! Shoot, let him destroy the house, it's better than killing you or severely hurting you! He is such a bully!

Everything you mention is pure intimidation tactics, plain and simple.

lostnotfound

Yes, his behavior scares me. That incident was the last straw that sent me looking for help. That happened a couple weeks ago. He hasn't had any more destructive tantrums, but some verbal ones.

pmaslan

Imagine that cabinet door as your head....

How long has this been going on, surely it didn't start over night!
You are living with a raving lunatic...this is no longer just about alcohol.
I wouldn't allow him to
stay in my home one more minute.....Have you thought of removing him
from the situation? Something to consider while you can.

denny57

You are in an abusive situation. Please take care of yourself.

lostnotfound

It's been going on for a long time. Sometimes it's worse than others. Most of the time it's verbal but there are times he becomes destructive.

I keep trying to understand how a person can be so different. One side is wonderful, then there is this other side that is nasty mean and destructive and just a general ass. I keep trying to wrap my head around it to make sense, but it never does. Then I start to think maybe I'm the crazy one, because I can't seem to convince him that his behavior is not normal.

Then i try to figure out what is wrong with me that I stay with him? It used to be that the good was enough to outweigh the bad, but I don't feel that way any more. It's hard to end a marriage. I love him and want him to get better, but he doesn't seem to want to change.

Everything will be great...he's sober, he's funny, kind, considerate, loving, affectionate, then by evening, he's had too many beers, and this other person comes out. Not every time, but way too many times. The other times he'll just slur, and his eyes get droopy, and he makes no sense, and eventually fall asleep. If i could live with him until 3:00 in the afternoon and then start over it would be great. I want to laugh about that statement, but it's really not funny.

lostnotfound

Is there somewhere I can go to find the definitions of abuse? I'm sure he would say " I've never hit you"