Family seeks advice on intervention
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 413
Family seeks advice on intervention
Hello, All
I have an alcoholic older brother (age 32) who lives with my parents. He has been deeply depressed for a long time, and his drinking is getting increasingly worse. The increased alcohol consumption is making his depression MUCH worse.
He is working Monday-Friday. But he isolates in his room in the evenings and on weekends. He drinks himself sick and rarely comes out. When he finally DOES come out, all he does is moan and groan about how depressed he is.
My parents have offered to take him to a psychologist, but he says that no psychologist in the world could ever help him. They have offered to take him to AA. As a member of AA myself, I have invited him to come with me, but he says he's not an alcoholic and he won't come.
He simply wants to die.
This has been going on for years, but it has finally reached a boiling point in the past few months. My parents simply can't handle it anymore.
They realize that by allowing him to drink in their house, they are enabling him. So their solution is to have an intervention this evening. They plan to issue an ultimatum: Either get help, or get out.
Would anyone here have any kind of advice for my parents? Are these kinds of interventions ever successful?
Thank you for reading this -- my family is desperate for help right now.
I have an alcoholic older brother (age 32) who lives with my parents. He has been deeply depressed for a long time, and his drinking is getting increasingly worse. The increased alcohol consumption is making his depression MUCH worse.
He is working Monday-Friday. But he isolates in his room in the evenings and on weekends. He drinks himself sick and rarely comes out. When he finally DOES come out, all he does is moan and groan about how depressed he is.
My parents have offered to take him to a psychologist, but he says that no psychologist in the world could ever help him. They have offered to take him to AA. As a member of AA myself, I have invited him to come with me, but he says he's not an alcoholic and he won't come.
He simply wants to die.
This has been going on for years, but it has finally reached a boiling point in the past few months. My parents simply can't handle it anymore.
They realize that by allowing him to drink in their house, they are enabling him. So their solution is to have an intervention this evening. They plan to issue an ultimatum: Either get help, or get out.
Would anyone here have any kind of advice for my parents? Are these kinds of interventions ever successful?
Thank you for reading this -- my family is desperate for help right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: crown point
Posts: 66
I watch that show all the time. When they do an intervention they always have a professional there. They all read letters they have wrote. The letters basically say if you don't get help I won't help you.
Usually they have the "rehab" already set up for the person to leave immediately. I guess so they can't change their mind.
Usually they have the "rehab" already set up for the person to leave immediately. I guess so they can't change their mind.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
There are allot of ways to do an intervention, I might suggest that you talk with a rehab facility first, they offer family advise and suggestions on how to handle this situation. It's possible they have programs ready for him to enter right after the intervention.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Ata has it right. You need a professional there. Preferrably someone from a rehab center who knows the ins and outs of alcoholism/addiction. It also would help if the family physician was involved, if he goes to one. You also have to make sure they have an opening.
On the other hand, issuing an ultimatum is something that they will have to stand firm on. If it's get out or get help, and he chooses to get help, stipulate that he must complete whatever term they feel he needs to be in rehab and continue with AA. He'll probably also be evaluated for the depression and possibly given meds along with therapy. That should also be another condition. If he chooses to leave, and I know this will sound cruel...they can never let him back in because that will serve no purpose for anyone. Them or him. It's a mad vicious cycle. And it will continue for eternity if you allow it.
Check out the other posts. Lots of good advice and recommendations.
One last thought. Please make sure your parents attend AA/NA. They need to be educated about all the aspects of addiction.
Blessings
On the other hand, issuing an ultimatum is something that they will have to stand firm on. If it's get out or get help, and he chooses to get help, stipulate that he must complete whatever term they feel he needs to be in rehab and continue with AA. He'll probably also be evaluated for the depression and possibly given meds along with therapy. That should also be another condition. If he chooses to leave, and I know this will sound cruel...they can never let him back in because that will serve no purpose for anyone. Them or him. It's a mad vicious cycle. And it will continue for eternity if you allow it.
Check out the other posts. Lots of good advice and recommendations.
One last thought. Please make sure your parents attend AA/NA. They need to be educated about all the aspects of addiction.
Blessings
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Having once planned one, I found it very helpful to read up on it. (Plenty of books at Amazon, search for intervention). I also found it very helpful to discuss it in detail with the qualified facilitator that was to lead it.
Myself and a few key family members read an entire book on interventions before we met with a qualified person to actually facilitate it. The more education the better.
There are two types, confrontational and sympathetic... i.e. check into rehab today or I'm kicking you out of the house and out of my life, (no contact), OR check into rehab because we all love you.... pretty please? In either event lots of preparation needs to be done before hand... did I mention education?
I had already researched rehab facilities, made sure they had an open bed and verified insurance coverage before hand as well. I would be ready to drive him directly to rehab or kick him right out.
My advice is get educated.
Don't make threats unless you are all prepared to carry them out.
Do get a professional to lead it.
Don't try an intervention 1st thing, only as a last resort.
Myself and a few key family members read an entire book on interventions before we met with a qualified person to actually facilitate it. The more education the better.
There are two types, confrontational and sympathetic... i.e. check into rehab today or I'm kicking you out of the house and out of my life, (no contact), OR check into rehab because we all love you.... pretty please? In either event lots of preparation needs to be done before hand... did I mention education?
I had already researched rehab facilities, made sure they had an open bed and verified insurance coverage before hand as well. I would be ready to drive him directly to rehab or kick him right out.
My advice is get educated.
Don't make threats unless you are all prepared to carry them out.
Do get a professional to lead it.
Don't try an intervention 1st thing, only as a last resort.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Please see http://www.lovefirst.net We worked with them (all wonderful people ). They have a great book about interventions and Debra has a new book that I really found good,too. (You may have seen her on Oprah). If not, contact some of the larger treatment centers (that is how I found them two years ago or A&E's Intervention show has information,too) Best of luck to you all!
My husband was not ready at the time but it hopefully planted a seed and started the rest of our family on OUR recovery and we all leaned how to give him back his own problems!
The interventionist not only taught us about addiction; what we can and can not do (Al-Anon was strongly reccommended regardless of the outcome) but he guided us through all the details that we needed to know beforehand.things I didn't even think about; made temporary arrangements at a rehab, figured out the transportation and in our case was even going to take AH to the facility. Lots of planning is involved; we did the preliminary discussions via phone, then hired them and had a few phone meetings and then the family met with him for an education session then we did a run-thru and read the letters,etc. It made it SO much easier to re-read the letters...it is still emotional!
My husband was not ready at the time but it hopefully planted a seed and started the rest of our family on OUR recovery and we all leaned how to give him back his own problems!
The interventionist not only taught us about addiction; what we can and can not do (Al-Anon was strongly reccommended regardless of the outcome) but he guided us through all the details that we needed to know beforehand.things I didn't even think about; made temporary arrangements at a rehab, figured out the transportation and in our case was even going to take AH to the facility. Lots of planning is involved; we did the preliminary discussions via phone, then hired them and had a few phone meetings and then the family met with him for an education session then we did a run-thru and read the letters,etc. It made it SO much easier to re-read the letters...it is still emotional!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
tkdjunkie - be careful, let the professionals handle this. We had an intervention with my AH, the kids and I did and it turned out terribly. We confronted him in our kitchen and myself and my 21 year old daughter and my 18 year old son all stood there and told him that we loved him and wanted him to get help for his alcoholism. That we would all go together as a family if need be....he just glared at us with hatred in his eyes, told us that he would never quit drinking and if we didn't like it to leave. He then cracked a beer open and sprayed us with its contents. Needless to say it wasn't long before he left us for another woman....leave this intervention to the professionals so that maybe yours will have a better turn out. I didn't know anything about how to go about that situation at the time but now after he's been gone a year?? I would have done it very differently. Good Luck and stay with us here ok. (((hugs))) Keep us posted.
Janit
Janit
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
i agree with everyone that getting the details figured out before the intervention is best. if you all give him an ultimatium (sp?) and say he agrees, where would he go? would he go inpatient or outpatient? how would it be payed? for how long? what is the admit process? having all that figured out before is better.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Professionals. He may not have the ability to help himself. A professional will be able to tell him ways they can help. Obviously what he is doing isn't working. Depression is a diagnosis. If he had a cardic problem you would certainly include a cardiolgist in the intervention. I(t's too easy to do the wrong thing with the best of intentions. I think it's important to present your selves as a loving band of supporters who are willing to do what's right instead of what's easiest. I think sometimes it can come across as ganging up on someone who is already drowning in hopelessness. I think the drinking is an effort to self medicate or alter that depression briefly. A professional can offer answers and get him thning about possibilities instead of suicide.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic. By the Grace of my Higher Power and people in these rooms I havent had a drink of Alcoholic since 8-11-90. And for that and them Im truely greatful.
Intervention was done on me at the age of 30 by my spouse and family. They did for me what I couldnt do for myself. That again Im truely greatful for.
I had a accident in Feb 90 that landed me in the hospital for 10 days after hitting a concrete culvert sitting on top the ground less than a mile away from my home. I was coming home from a club late and alone and ran into some construction. My wheel hit a 2 ft notch in the road sending me flying.
I entered the hospital with them removing my puncture spleen are else i would have bled to death. another operation to remove fluid in my lungs.
I healed nicely with the aid of pills and when there was no more pain to heal then i picked up a drink.
The progression of my alcoholism was VERY RAPID. This was aug. 90 when i returned to the same club and returned home numb from drinking followed by another arguement with my spouse. I ended with telling him that maybe i should just die to end my misery and he just told me to go to sleep.
Well to prove him wrong i took a hand full of pills downed with wine and of to bed i went.
The next morning my 2 little ones tried to wake me without success. Then i heard a faint ring of the phone next to my bed. with numbness i answered and with slurred voice I spoke. To this day I believe it was my Higher Power calling me to get up because He wasnt thru with me yet.
However it was my mother-in-law yelling at me to get up. so i did and made it to the bathroom to throw up what was in my system.
Moments later as it seemed, my husband had come home from work to try and take me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. I fought tooth and nail to not go. It was hopeless for him to drag me.
Soon the police were at my house. Seems as tho my husband put a call into the hospital first then the police to get a court order to have me committed.
Where the heck they were taking me, i had no clue...i didnt even realize what really was going on.
Anyway....When the police arrived they asked me to go willingly or they would have to use force. I went willingly.
My husband and father-in-law were standing at the back door as i was lead off....i had to pass both of them first and with MUCH HATRED and ANGER I growled at both telling them .... I HATE YOU.
And away i was led in the back of a handless police car like a criminal, ashamed, angery, hurt.
I was taken to the crazy ward first for the first night for evaluation and to make sure i wouldnt hurt myself again.
I wasnt going to. Anyway, i pasted all the test and was told i had a drinking problem and that i was to be admitted to rehab for alcoholism.
There i was to spend 2 weeks....which i completed but they wanted to send me away to a halfway house because they told me i wasnt going to stay sober on my own. I pleaded with them to stay where i was and they agreed as long as i completed 28 days in treatment and 6 weks aftercare outpatiant.
I did what i was suppose to do because i didnt want to be away from my 2 little ones any longer than i had to.
I recieved the tools of recovery to which i continue to apply to my everyday life today. Tools to guide me to live a happier life with out alcohol.
As far as depression and anxiety...For me i just tackled that issue 2 yrs ago after seeing a commercial on tv about Zoloft. I have know other recovery members taking care of their chemical embalance in sobriety but for me i was afraid to. I delt with my alcoholism first then yrs later with the embalance.
Anyway...today i am so much better for finally addressing that issue. the quality of sobriety is soo much better.
Ok, i will end here and hope my story helps u.
Feel free to message me if u have any other questions for help and guidance in recovery.
Thanks for letting me share.
Intervention was done on me at the age of 30 by my spouse and family. They did for me what I couldnt do for myself. That again Im truely greatful for.
I had a accident in Feb 90 that landed me in the hospital for 10 days after hitting a concrete culvert sitting on top the ground less than a mile away from my home. I was coming home from a club late and alone and ran into some construction. My wheel hit a 2 ft notch in the road sending me flying.
I entered the hospital with them removing my puncture spleen are else i would have bled to death. another operation to remove fluid in my lungs.
I healed nicely with the aid of pills and when there was no more pain to heal then i picked up a drink.
The progression of my alcoholism was VERY RAPID. This was aug. 90 when i returned to the same club and returned home numb from drinking followed by another arguement with my spouse. I ended with telling him that maybe i should just die to end my misery and he just told me to go to sleep.
Well to prove him wrong i took a hand full of pills downed with wine and of to bed i went.
The next morning my 2 little ones tried to wake me without success. Then i heard a faint ring of the phone next to my bed. with numbness i answered and with slurred voice I spoke. To this day I believe it was my Higher Power calling me to get up because He wasnt thru with me yet.
However it was my mother-in-law yelling at me to get up. so i did and made it to the bathroom to throw up what was in my system.
Moments later as it seemed, my husband had come home from work to try and take me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. I fought tooth and nail to not go. It was hopeless for him to drag me.
Soon the police were at my house. Seems as tho my husband put a call into the hospital first then the police to get a court order to have me committed.
Where the heck they were taking me, i had no clue...i didnt even realize what really was going on.
Anyway....When the police arrived they asked me to go willingly or they would have to use force. I went willingly.
My husband and father-in-law were standing at the back door as i was lead off....i had to pass both of them first and with MUCH HATRED and ANGER I growled at both telling them .... I HATE YOU.
And away i was led in the back of a handless police car like a criminal, ashamed, angery, hurt.
I was taken to the crazy ward first for the first night for evaluation and to make sure i wouldnt hurt myself again.
I wasnt going to. Anyway, i pasted all the test and was told i had a drinking problem and that i was to be admitted to rehab for alcoholism.
There i was to spend 2 weeks....which i completed but they wanted to send me away to a halfway house because they told me i wasnt going to stay sober on my own. I pleaded with them to stay where i was and they agreed as long as i completed 28 days in treatment and 6 weks aftercare outpatiant.
I did what i was suppose to do because i didnt want to be away from my 2 little ones any longer than i had to.
I recieved the tools of recovery to which i continue to apply to my everyday life today. Tools to guide me to live a happier life with out alcohol.
As far as depression and anxiety...For me i just tackled that issue 2 yrs ago after seeing a commercial on tv about Zoloft. I have know other recovery members taking care of their chemical embalance in sobriety but for me i was afraid to. I delt with my alcoholism first then yrs later with the embalance.
Anyway...today i am so much better for finally addressing that issue. the quality of sobriety is soo much better.
Ok, i will end here and hope my story helps u.
Feel free to message me if u have any other questions for help and guidance in recovery.
Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 413
Thanks to everyone for sharing your experience and advice. We all love my brother very much and want what's best for him. He is a wonderful guy who is being eaten alive by a disease. We want him back ...
If anyone has any further ideas or thoughts, please feel free to share them.
Thanks again!
If anyone has any further ideas or thoughts, please feel free to share them.
Thanks again!
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Parker, CO
Posts: 495
Sounds like my father in law. He would continue to drink and get so depressed, then say he wanted to die and threaten suicide, etc. He needs a psychiatrist, but first he needs to be showing some effort to quit drinking. I think a place that deals with dual diagnoses would be a good match for your family member. A lot of rehab centers only deal with the alcoholism part and not the other disease such as depression.
There is an organization called Dual Recovery Anonymous that deals with alcoholism/psychiatric illnesses/problems.
Of course, he has to want to get better, but at this point, he may be so dwon in his depression, he is not able to think straight. I think an intervention might be a good thing for him.
Best of luck with the situation. It's hard watching someone you love destroy themselves.
There is an organization called Dual Recovery Anonymous that deals with alcoholism/psychiatric illnesses/problems.
Of course, he has to want to get better, but at this point, he may be so dwon in his depression, he is not able to think straight. I think an intervention might be a good thing for him.
Best of luck with the situation. It's hard watching someone you love destroy themselves.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
TDK....
I checked into that TV show myself....the website is
www.interventiontv.com
I think,
Anyway, I'm sorry about your brother, I know your heart must be breaking. But there is a lot of info out there, I'm new to this lifestyle, because of my daughter's descent into this madness. Her drug of choice is oxycontin, which she has started shooting!!! But I know she didn't choose to become a junkie, but the spiral down I think starts slowly, and progresses rapidly. She was a nurse, now she is unemployed, homeless, and her son was taken from her.
Anyway, life goes on for the rest of us, as it will for you. You must take care of yourselves first. My prayers are with you and your family.
I checked into that TV show myself....the website is
www.interventiontv.com
I think,
Anyway, I'm sorry about your brother, I know your heart must be breaking. But there is a lot of info out there, I'm new to this lifestyle, because of my daughter's descent into this madness. Her drug of choice is oxycontin, which she has started shooting!!! But I know she didn't choose to become a junkie, but the spiral down I think starts slowly, and progresses rapidly. She was a nurse, now she is unemployed, homeless, and her son was taken from her.
Anyway, life goes on for the rest of us, as it will for you. You must take care of yourselves first. My prayers are with you and your family.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I would not do an intervention that was not well planned and thought out... You only have one shot to get it right and you want to have all your ducks in a row..
The best book that I have read on intervention is Love First by Debra and Jay Jeff... they lay everything out for you step by step... everything from how many people need to be present, who needs to be present, who speaks first, how to write your letters to the addict and what to say if the addict/alcoholic does not agree to treatment.
You and your family need to read this book first before attempting an intervention..
If you cannot find a professional to conduct the intervention maybe someone in your AA group who has been there a long time and is working a strong program will be able to be the interventionist.. it needs to be someone who knows how to deal with someone who is an alcoholic.. not just a parent of family member...
Before you even attempt to do the intervention make sure you have the rehab facility lined up and ready to go so that your brother will go straight to rehab after the intervention.. this way he does not have a chance to change his mind once he agrees to treatment..
And remember, not all interventions are succesfull.. you need to be prepared to stick to your ultimatiums if he denies help.. The purpose of an intervention is to help the addict/alcoholic hit rock bottom...either by going to treatment on his own free will or by setting clear bottom lines that you will no longer be supporting and enabling his habit if he continues to drink...
Good Luck... I know when I was planning an intervention for my AH, I was scared to death but someone just having a plan in place and reading this book made me feel a lot better and more at ease..
The best book that I have read on intervention is Love First by Debra and Jay Jeff... they lay everything out for you step by step... everything from how many people need to be present, who needs to be present, who speaks first, how to write your letters to the addict and what to say if the addict/alcoholic does not agree to treatment.
You and your family need to read this book first before attempting an intervention..
If you cannot find a professional to conduct the intervention maybe someone in your AA group who has been there a long time and is working a strong program will be able to be the interventionist.. it needs to be someone who knows how to deal with someone who is an alcoholic.. not just a parent of family member...
Before you even attempt to do the intervention make sure you have the rehab facility lined up and ready to go so that your brother will go straight to rehab after the intervention.. this way he does not have a chance to change his mind once he agrees to treatment..
And remember, not all interventions are succesfull.. you need to be prepared to stick to your ultimatiums if he denies help.. The purpose of an intervention is to help the addict/alcoholic hit rock bottom...either by going to treatment on his own free will or by setting clear bottom lines that you will no longer be supporting and enabling his habit if he continues to drink...
Good Luck... I know when I was planning an intervention for my AH, I was scared to death but someone just having a plan in place and reading this book made me feel a lot better and more at ease..
..discover it.
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 47
No matter what you decide, remember, as a family, each one of you go into this intervention with a loving heart, understanding, and try to be as non-judgmental as possible! The last thing you want, is your loved-one feeling betrayed and drinking them self to death without a second thought!
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Oh Man,
I just realized that this thread was started three years ago..
ClutchB, I really hope that your brother has found serenity and a sober life and I really hope that your family has also found serenity...
I just realized that this thread was started three years ago..
ClutchB, I really hope that your brother has found serenity and a sober life and I really hope that your family has also found serenity...
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