blu22

My husband and i have been separated for almost a year and a half now. We have gone through bankrupty and foreclosure. Recently I returned with our two young children from moving out of state (husband was supposed to follow, but choose not to, so I returned home so we could be near family). My husband is an alcoholic and after hitting his rock bottom, has put himself in an out patient recovery program (3 weeks ago). I myself have been seeing a wonderful therapist for a couple of months now, so I am learning how a lot of my behavior was co-dependent, etc. I love my husband, but I wonder how can someone who is an alcoholic and to have been so selfish during our marriage really love his family? I have been going on with my life, trying to put the pieces back together and have left him alone to get his life back on track. We still speak and through it all I have never put any restrictions on when he can see our kids, actually I try to encourgage it. Months ago (before he entered recovery) he told me we were finished and that there was nothing that could be done. For me that was my breaking point (entered therapy) and I stopped trying to convince him that we could make this work. He seems to go from hot to cold in the sense of he wants to see the kids, then won't see them for weeks at a time (talks to oldest daily). Or he opens up to me on the phone, but then shuts down again. He is also withdrawing from his family and I finally told his mother (who I am close to) that he is in recovery and getting help (so she could worry a little less). My therapist says he may not be coming around due to guilt. I just wonder for those of you that have been down this road, what is a spouse to do. I am raising our two children on our own, trying to start over and keep my mind and soul together.
I know I need and deserve a full time husband and my children need and deserve a full time father. As for years he had a full time wife and friend in me. Can I ever expect him to come around? Or at least be a father to our children? I grew up with an alcoholic father, and parents that eventually divorced. I did not want this for my children. I believe he loves us, but I feel like he is in so much pain. I know he is on anti depression, anxiety and sleep medication. Can anyone share with me what to expect while he is in the beginning stages of recovery, and what I need to do to continue to be healthy for me and my children.

Seren

Welcome to SR, Blu!

Someone who has more experience than I will be here soon to share, but I wanted to say that you have my sympathies over what you have endured.

With all the reading on this forum that I have done, it seems to me that some addicts have underlying issues beyond their addiction. Reading your post, that may be the case with your husband--bear in mind that's just my opinion.

Keep reading and posting...you will find amazing support here!

Hugs and prayers and good thoughts....HG

laurie6781

Welcome to SR. You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) from others who have been or are where you are now.

Maybe, maybe not. May I suggest you find some AlAnon meetings in your area, in addition to your therapist, and attend at least 6 different meetings (to find some that seem to 'fit you') before making up your mind.

AlAnon will help you LEARN about you, how growing up with an alcoholic father may have been a factor in your choice of mates, what YOU can do for YOU and your children to set FIRM BOUNDARIES, how to take the FOCUS off of 'him' and return it to you and your children.

IF he stays in recovery and works his recovery and learns about HIMSELF he will get past 'his guilt', will eventually make 'amends' to the best of his ability for things done in the past, and be the person he can be on a daily basis. All this TAKES TIME. Lots and lots of TIME.

I have been sober and clean a long time now, and I also use and apply the principles of AlAnon in my life as I still have many alcoholics/addicts in my life some sober some not.

Never fear that in 'his own way' he loves you, but does not really understand love, as he at this time doesn't even love himself (so how can he love anyone else) and his PRIMARY #! is ALCOHOL.

Your best bet, honestly, is to get on with the business of taking care of you and your children, step back and WATCH his ACTIONS. Not his words, his ACTIONS. His ACTIONS, over time will show you how serious he is about living a life or recovery.

Now that being said, I have seen many relationships make it and I have seen just as many not make it.

So the answer??? Well, step back, work on you, if this marriage/relationship is suppose to be, somewhere down the road it will be. Pollyannish? I don't think so. But I do know that when one's focus is on what is in front of one, your days, and your life become better, much better, than when focusing on something or someone one CANNOT FIX.

Please REMEMBER:

You didn't CAUSE this.

You can't CONTROL this,

and

You can't CURE this.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU and the children are doing, we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

GiveLove

Hugs to you, blu22. I can't add anything to Laurie's wonderful post except that you have to follow your heart and live with what you have NOW, not what you might some day have later if some miracle happens. When you say this:

You need to know that you do not have that right now. The only question is whether you wish to gamble more of your happiness on your current situation, hoping that he will turn into an altogether different kind of person than what he is. Keep talking to your therapist about this, and listen for the small voice within you that already knows the right answer. It helped me to go no-contact for a while with my A so I could hear what my heart really had to say (and not the conflicting messages he was constantly pummeling me with)

blu22

Thank you both so much! I am going to continue to take things one day at a time, because if I fail, so do my children. And I can not let that happen (I do not drink). I really hope this ends with me. On both sides of my family Alcoholism has been a huge problem. My husband's father was also an alcoholic. He would pass out in the car. His mom divorced him when my husband was two, and he was not there for him growing up. Now they have a good relationship, but so much time was wasted.