jackson123

It's been about 3 weeks since I kicked ABF out. All of his stuff is in my garage. I guess he thinks there is still a chance I will take him back if he leaves his stuff at my house.
He calls every night when he's drunk. He claims his undying love for me and then turns mean and says things to me that turn my stomach. He calls me names that are unbelievable hurtful. It's usually in a text message or a voice mail. Sometimes 10 in a row. He cries. He yells.
Through everything that has happened dealing with his drinking I have always been respectful to him. I have never called him a name or said anything that was mean or hurtful. I supported him for a year and a half while he didn't work and passed out on my couch. I gave him many chances and he blew it everytime.
Would a letter even mean anything? A letter to let him know how he has hurt me. To remind him of all the awful things he has said and done to me? Or do I just let it be? He thinks I am being mean by not letting him come back. He claims I am turning my back on him. He said he needs my support to get through this. I want to help him but I just can't. I have 2 kids that need me. I don't have the time or energy to help him get sober. I'm drained.
Thanks for any advice.

Lisa

atalose

Lisa, I am sorry you are going through this and yes it's emotionaly draining hearing there messages and mood swings. I don't think a letter would matter much at this point, he's so active in his addiction that he wouldn't understand. From what I am learning, when in active addiciton he is only thinking about himself. I think you stand a better chance by setting your boundaries and STICKING to them. Stop taking his calls and delete his text message before you read them. When I ended it with my fiance because of his drug use, he freaked out, and the same things happened to me. He would leave these horriable mean voice mails, then follow that up with a nice one claiming how much he loved me. He also said he could not get clean or sober without me. I ended up having to get a restraining oder so he would stop calling me. And guess what, he got clean and sober without me. He now wants to work on things with us, he's been clean and sober for 2 months now. We have only recently began talking on the phone, I'm still not sure how things will turn out, but I do know that had I not stuck to my boundaries, I believe he would still be taking drugs or he would have been dead. The restraining order caused him to be arrested and stopped his activities for a period of time. While in jail for 12 days detoxing, he realized where his life had ended up and what he had lost because of it. He went from jail into a rehab and he is actively in recovery now. Only time will tell and I am not sure where I stand on all this yet, I'm still scared and confused. I am proud of you for kicking him out of your house, you don't deserve that and neither does your kids.

jackson123

Atalose, Thank you. Sometimes I just can't believe that he doesn't realize how much he has hurt me. It's always about how I have hurt him. I have never even got an apology for anything that he has said and done to me. Not that I want or need one. I just want him to be accountable.
I must say turning my back on him was the hardest thing I have ever done. But my children come first.

Good luck to you.

Thanks

Lisa

deax

I never feel like I'm in a position to give anyone very good advice, but for what it's worth, I would definitely have no contact if I were you. I would (or at least, I think I would) draw a line at verbal abuse and 'stomach turning' name-calling. I have never had to deal with that, though...

I think from your description of his behavior, a letter would accomplish absolutely nothing. He's not in the head space where it would mean much of anything, probably. And besides, he knows the way he's speaking to you is hurtful. He doesn't need a letter to clue him into that.

Sounds tome like he's just lashing out because he's, for once, not getting his way. You could always change your number to remove his opportunity.

I have no contact with my bf right now, tomorrow will be 2 weeks we haven't spoken. He hasn't called yet, but I know he will. He's waiting me out. And I don't know what he'll do when he realizes I'm serious (for once...). He's never been verbally abusive, but I've never done this before either, so I dunno... But one thing I DO know is that it gets easier every day. Not the missing him part, I miss him A LOT and I know the worst is still to come when the calls start. But the NEEDING him part: needing to tell him how I feel, what I'm thinking, what I've figured out, demaning the truth, etc. I'm learning to rely on myself, I think, to get through this situation emotionally instead of on him, because I was so completely emotionally tangled up with him before. Plus, if my biggest fears are true-- if he was doing drugs the whole time, if he did cheat on me, if he is that much of a liar, if he never loved me--nothing will make him be reasonable or honest all of a sudden now. He can say nothing of any real value; only his actions will indicate anything to me from now on, and that is something that ONLY time will tell. In the meantime, I need to be there for me, to get myself through this.

And I would suggest the same to you. You know he's being abusive and acting out of his addictions, you know you can't 'reason' or state your feelings to an addict and expect much in return, you know how you feel, and you know telling him wouldn't accomplish much ... so really, why bother?

Again, just my opinion. *shrug* Good luck.

Pick-a-name

JMO--this is all that there is to say. If you email him something (not saying you should or shouldn't) I would say what you said (above) and that if/when he is actively persuing recovery and you can and will see it in his ACTIONS, at that time perhaps you can talk if there is something to say. Talk is cheap and actions speak.

Sorry. I know how difficult this is. ((jackson123))

Jazzman

Most folk will suggest a fantasy letter you never mail, get it out of your system type stuff. The simple truth is you will never get him to consider for one second what his actions have done to you, no matter how much you would like the validation or closure.

So how are you doing w/ all this harrassment?
Maybe no contact would help you?

pmaslan

As has been said the sad truth is he doesn't care how and how much he
has hurt you. He is an active alcoholic, he can't give you what you need,
hell he can't give himself what he needs.
Fantasy letter is a good option for you. It helps to get everything down
on paper that you need to say to him. Read it, put it away, read it as many
times as you need to then maybe burn it one day in a goodbye ceremony,
where you will get closure.
My ex used to tell me how his exwife used to leave him letters about
how he was hurting her. I could hear in his voice how meaningless
they were to him...if only I had really listened at the time....sigh...
I agree no contact, it will do you so much good.

MsPINKAcres

((Jackson))

Remember "Hurting people hurt people" -

The things he says and does more than likely is because he wants you to hurt as bad as the disease is making him hurt inside. But You don't have to - You can delete those messages and texts without listening to them and if you can't do, have a trusted friend do it for you.
You are too special, loving and kind to have any more negative things said to you!!
As for the letter, is there really any thing that you could say that you haven't already said a million times? Will it change anything? Do you think it will really change his mind THIS time?
But if you really feel the need to get it "off your chest" I agree with the suggestions of writing it and not sending it to him, share it with a trusted Al-anon friend, your sponsor, or burn it.

Please don't forget you are special to us, to your children and most of all to your Higher Power . .
Rita

denny57

True words and good advce. No contact has worked for me. It isn't always easy, but I'm certain the alternative - staying in the dance - would be much harder. Every morning I get up and vow one more day of no contact. I believe it is best for both of us.

laurie6781

Lisa, if you send him a letter, the only thing in the letter should say is that he has 30 days to remove his belongings from your garage or they will be sent to the dump. That he must make an appointment to come get his things, (so you can have the police or someone there with you). You might also say that he contact you in writing only. In the future no phone calls will be accepted. That way you have it in writing that he was coming on such and such day and such and such time.

No explanations, no crying about how he has hurt you etc, just a business letter, and send it Certified Mail, Return Receipt Requested, as proof that you have notified him, Then at the end of 30 days, call someone to help you haul the stuff off to the dump, or if there is anything of value have a yard sale, put the money in a special account and some day if he ever realizes what happened give him the money and any interest that has accrued.

Even that type of letter may cause some harassment on his part. Do you have caller ID? If you do, then why are you taking his calls? You do not have to subject yourself to that abuse.

J M H O

I will keep you and your children in my prayers.

Love and (((((to all))))),

jackson123

I know he doesn't care how much he hurts me or he wouldn't continue to do so. But why does it seem that he's suffering so much. Why the crying and all the depression? He claims he can't eat or sleep.
I know he doesn't care but why is he so emotional? It's almost unbearable for me.
Thanks

mallowcup

He needs your help to get through what? He's drinking. He doesn't ned any help with that. Change your number, stop taking or returning his calls. Give him a deadline or the stuff will be disgarded. Have a witness to the conversation.

Jazzman

He's in full blown panic mode. With out your help,(or anyones wrong kind of enabling help) he faces the hard reality that he might not be able to maintain his addiction any longer. Full blown panic mode of an addict closing in on their bottom, period.

Pick-a-name

You have kids,right? What I try (not always easy!) to do in these situations is instead of seeing your husband..think of him as a toddler who is hungry and needs a nap. Tune him out and do what needs to be done, whether he likes it or not. Emotionally, I do believe they are in very similar places. Might make it easier for you. I am sorry because I know it is a lot easier to say than to do and then second-guess yourself afterwards. You are doing what you must do.

atalose

((Jazzman)) wow, I never looked at it like that before. I think I was an enabler because I had no clue he was using. When I found out, I left and I guess he went into panic mode which lead to a drug binge which lead to him hitting bottom and ending up in jail.
Thank you for your post, it's very enlightening and so are you!

prodigal

Rather than asking why he's having all the crying and depression, just say to yourself, "why not?" He's an addict. That's what they do. That's how they manipulate you into feeling guilty that YOU have done this to THEM. As to exactly why he does it, he probably isn't cognizant on a conscious level as to why he does it either. Just think of a two-year-old throwing a tantrum in the grocery store when you make him sit in the grocery cart rather than run loose in the store. He wants his way. He doesn't think it through as to WHY he wants his way, he just does. Same thing.

StandingStrong

What I have found helpful for me is that I have one notebook that is all mine. And in it, are lots of letters to AH. Letters that I will NEVER give him - unless the notebook is delivered to him after my death. The letters are not so much FOR him - but are FOR me! It gives me an outlet in which to vent my frustration, feelings, etc.
I do have contact with my ah - but I have come to realize that I can tell him something a million times and it does not sink into his head. Just as he tells me things that he says that I don't understand.
For me - the journal of letters has been great. I wish now that I'd have kept one all along since he moved out. I see progress in the letters that I write in my own recovery.
I also keep notes in there - things I've read about addiction, alcoholism, codependancy, etc. Basically, it's my own little recovery book.

I, like everyone else, really don't believe that your sending a letter will do any good at all.

CatsTail

Jackson,

Why are you continuing to take his calls?

Write the letter for yourself and read it but don't write it to send to him, he won't understand.

Stop taking his calls. Change your number if you have to.

Ngaire

CatsTail

MANIPULATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cynay

You know what always helps me out (not that I always do it) but think of yourself as one of your children. The little girl inside of you that as an adult you have to take care of..... If someone was doing this to one of your children how would you react/feel then.... cuz he is doing it to the little girl inside of you and she needs just as much, if not more protection then the two children you have. If you are not and dont get healthy you cant raise healthy children.... and you already know this man is not healthy for you.

Dont abuse yourself anymore.... dont have contact.

Another thought too is when you open your heart to express the hurt inside you are also opening a window into your emotions, thought process and pain.... Why would you want to give a man that you know has and will hurt you deeply any more amno to hurt you again. Trust me, what he will do with you letter is figure out how to manipulate you more he will NOT use it to realize how messed up he has been.

If you have too write the letter.... just dont send it, dont show him emotion or give him anything else to hurt the little girl in you.