equus

I think sometimes the why questions are always there. It's Ok to guess at why, but there are some things we just never get to know.

I can only speak for myself but when it comes to knowing why a person has been hurtful to me the biggest release was to know I didn't HAVE to answer the question. You don't need to know why to know what is or the effect it has on you - you can leave that with him, it's him that eventually will need to learn his own answers, you knowing can't do a great deal while he doesn't listen to you or respect you.

It's ok to let go.

Take care of yourself and your kids, learn to be happy again for you and them and leave him to figure out why his life is going the way it is. Surely you have tried already to advise him and he hasn't listened? If that's the case then it's been his choice and there seems to me little point in you trying to figure out the cause of his hurts even more than you have.

For me it's so much easier to except I don't know all the whys and where I know my answer aren't heard anyway just to move on.

jackson123

Thanks everyone. I don't take his calls. It's the excessive text messaging and voice mail. I know I just need to deleate them before I read them.
I guess all along I just want someone, anyone, to validate my feelings. I want someone to know that I'M hurting. He's hording all the hurt right now.
He's crying about his broken heart and doesn't realize that he broke my heart. It's hard to explain. Everyone thinks now that he's gone I'm supposed to be OK. When in reality my world has been turned upside down. My future and dreams have been crushed also.
Thanks

ASpouse

Jackson123, he is playing the blame game and so are you. He is feeding off of your emotions and you are feeding off of his. Stop it right now!

He broke your heart because you let him. Stop blaming him and take responsibility for your own emotions. That is the mature an grown up thing to do.

How in Heavens name can you place something as important as your future and your dreams in the hands of anyone else? You control your future and your dreams, not him, not anyone else. So my dear girl, if your dreams and future have been crushed you better go look in the mirror, because it is that person staring back at you that has allowed her dreams and future to be crushed.

I suppose what I am saying, is get off the pity pot, pick yourself up, dig in your heels and start living, so you can have a future and dreams!

He's text messaging and leaving you messages? Call the cell phone company, advise them you are being harrassed and ask for a new phone number and I don't want to hear you can't do it. You can, if it is really bothering you, unless of course you want it to continue and are "hoping" that someday you will notice something different, something to give you hope!

Stop what you are doing right now because YOU are dragging this out and prolonging YOUR agony and torture. Yikes ......

Pick-a-name

I feel the same way myself..........I DO understand what you are saying. It hurts,alot. I don't know that many people "get it", even a little bit, or ever will unless they have been involved with an addict themself.

Sending you a big hug and prayers. I am sorry.

MsPINKAcres

Jackson -

Judy may have been a little bolder in her manner of talking than I would have (I'm still a people pleaser - Judy-I admire your boldness) - but her words are true.
What is the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. How many years have you tried this same old behavior with your boyfriend? How many times I have you been through this same pain, crushing heart break? How's that worked for you so far?

We are just trying to show you another way - why? Because we have been there - We Have been involved with those alcoholics, addicts, abusers who have sucked the very life out of our hearts. We have been where we thought we would not be able to get out of bed because our hearts were so broken, in so much pain that our physical bodies ached all over.

But there is another way - give our suggestions a try - what have you got to lose, do you really think you could feel any worse? Probably not - is there "No happiness too great to be lessened"

Keep coming back it works if you work it,
One day at a time,
Rita

minnie

I ended up getting a new cell phone and number. It worked a treat.

Surprising how quickly the fire goes out without oxygen.

ASpouse

My boldness gets me in trouble sometimes Rita, but what I say I feel. Coddling, sugarcoating is not my way. It is never my intent to "hurt" someone, but to "rattle" them in a way to wake them up a little and pull them out of the "poor me, I'm hurting too" stage.

We all know that Jackson is hurting, what I don't see is her doing anything to make it better.

Waking up everyday, looking her best, going to work, putting one foot in front of the other pulls anyone out of the "rut" they are seemingly stuck in better than anything else. There is no quick fix to this, it's moving ahead everyday, taking those little baby steps to reclaim our lives!

jackson123

I do realize that I am having a pitty party for myself. He's been the love of my life for almost 17 years. I'm trying and acting strong on the outside. But inside i'm dying. I know that I will be OK. I just need to mourn this loss and move on. Thanks everyone.
I like bold. I need someone to slap me back into reality!

sunshinebluesky

[QUOTE]I guess all along I just want someone, anyone, to validate my feelings. I want someone to know that I'M hurting. He's hording all the hurt right now.
He's crying about his broken heart and doesn't realize that he broke my heart. It's hard to explain. Everyone thinks now that he's gone I'm supposed to be OK. When in reality my world has been turned upside down.[QUOTE]

oh boy,can i identify with that!!!
u got to validate YOURSELF.
and i still have a broken heart a year and a half later,but its a heart that finally has put so many things in perspective. it just took time.
oh,and no contact for a long period of time.

GingerM

There's enough hurt in this world for everyone to have more than enough. He can't possibly horde it all (that's dark/dry humor by the way).

That being said, if what you're looking for is validation that you're hurting, first I will say you need look no further than the mirror. Then I'll validate your feelings for you by relating to my own history with alcoholics:

I'm still hurting from a relationship that ended over a decade ago. He never said "I'm sorry", he didn't see that he'd done anything wrong. He will never see that he did anything wrong (and probably continues to do wrong). All he can see is his next fix, his next drink, his next high, his next drunk, and he sees all humans as a possible means to getting to his next drunk or his next high. Yeah. That hurts. You pour your heart and soul into someone only to find out that you were no more to them than a cash cow and a ride to the liquor store.

If you weren't hurting right now, what would you be feeling? What do you think you *should* be feeling? Those *shoulds* will kill you. No, you shouldn't be feeling happy chipper cloud nine right now. You've had 17 years of rug yanked out from underneath you and to top it all off, you've got bonehead harassing you with voice mails and text messages. It seems perfectly sane to me that you'd be feeling hurt, that your trust had been violated, that you'd want him to just die and get out of your life. All totally normal and all completely understandable.

Us folks who post here post here for a reason. We've been there. We can validate your feelings. We will also tell you how to grab your bootstraps and start yanking, because it's going to take a lot of pulling to get yourself back into some semblence of peace and sanity again.

I agree (speaking as a landlord who has had to do this before) with the poster who said you should send him a certified letter giving him 30 days to come get his crap out of your garage, or it dissappears. In most states it is considered legally abandoned after 30 days. Make sure you have someone there with you when he comes. Police presence is always nice, but if you don't want to go that route, see if you can find a big burly coworker or friend or neighbor or clergy person or whomever. Local women's shelters may be able to hook you up with someone who can 'supervise' the meeting if he does come get his stuff.

After getting his crap out of your garage, I would say the next step is a non-contact order. It shouldn't be too hard to get given that you have kids and you can save the screaming drunken voice mails to show to the judge. Judge's usually are pretty good about non-contact orders when it comes to kids and crazed lunatics.

Unfortunately, the resolution you seem to so desperately be seeking is not likely to ever happen. The resolution is that there will be no resolution. He will not say that he's done anything wrong because he can not see that he's done anything wrong. His world centers solely around him and what he wants. Anything that happens in the course of getting what he wants is just 'business'.

Meanwhile, you need to focus on you and your kids. Not only has he hurt you, he's hurt your kids too, even if they aren't showing it. Get yourself healthy. Set strong boundaries and stick to them. Pity parties are great, but don't let it become a way of life.

WantsOut

You are only human, Jackson123. You have feelings and they are overwhelming you. We've all been there. Take it from us - he's playing a selfish game with you and stirring it all up inside you for his own sick purposes. He's trying to manipulate you so he can pass out on your couch for as long as possible. He wants to use you and the reason is because he's an addict. That's why he's hurt you - he's an addict. he lies to you because he's an addict and no one can fix him but him.

It may help you to know that by making him live on his own you are helping him. He needs to face reality. He needs to face his addiction. And he's a grown man for goodness sake, he should be able to take care of himself. And if he can't he has to face that too. Your "help" just keeps him drinking, destroying his liver, rotting his soul away. You are being cruel to be kind and possibly saving his life. You are helping him by ignoring his calls and texts.

Could you drop his stuff off at a his parent's house or his friend's house just to make sure you don't have to encounter him again? It would be better if there was no weepy, emotional confrontation where he gives you puppy eyes and tells you he can't live without you.

God bless you and keep you strong.