aztchr

After being together for almost 5 years, I knew I couldn't continue to live with my ex if he continued drinking at his daily rate. He said we have different lifestyles and he wasn't going to change. So we sold the house and have been living apart.

I'm at a crossroad with the no contact thing. I'm still deeply in love with him, just not all of the behaviors that I've witnessed. I never wanted to have to sell my house. I just wasn't happy living there with him drinking so much.
If I do see him, I know how things can get and if it's too much I can always leave if I don't like something. That's the good part about living apart. Although, I don't want to break apart for good, forever.

I know it has worked for others, that when they left, their A worked on changing themselves and they were able to be together again. I know that's what I would like to have happen, but I know I can't magically make that happen. I'm open to it if it does, though.

Can anyone share experiences with continuing a relationship after separating?

atalose

You wrote "He said we have different lifestyles and he wasn't going to change". He is telling you that you either except things on his terms or not. He allowed you to leave and sell your home. It's just my opinion but how is he going to know what his life is really like without you in it, if you are still in contact with him. Believe me I know the pain of letting go, it's been 8 weeks for me and it really is getting better. I have good days and bad days but the good days seem to be happening more then the bad ones. You were strong enough to know it was not a good relationship for you, otherwise you would still be there and feeling horrible. It sounds to me like you are half way to getting piece of mind and some self happiness, the other half of you I'm sure will soon catch up. I give you allot of credit for getting yourself this far, stay strong and put yourself first.

Minx1969

Azteach -

The only way it would ever work is for you BOTH to work on yourselves individually.

From your posts - I haven't seen any evidence that he even admits he has a problem and wants to get help.

Also - what are you doing for YOUR recovery? Gone to Alanon yet?

aztchr

No, he hasn't admitted anything.

I keep reading everything and doing things for myself because I want to and can. I haven't been to any meetings. For some reason, I don't want to go. When I stayed at my aunt's house, I was reading her Alanon books.

Minx1969

When I got into Alanon and finally ended it with my exabf I too hoped he would stop drinking and get help (He even had admitted he had a problem).

He didn't..it's been almost 2 years and as far as I know he's still drinking...I'm now dating a wonderful man who treats me like a princess..and is not a big drinker at all..

Your ex told you that he wanted to drink..that's his choice..that's the lifestyle he wants...

you made your right choice for you...

you just need to continue to put one foot in front of the other and move on with your life....

if some day he decides to get sober and wants the same things that you do then at that time you can make a decision...

today - there is no decision to be made or really anything you can do other then focus on yourself...

atalose

Keep reading, I found it very helpfull to read about addiction. I also read allot of books for me and I am exploring codependency and trying to understand me and my relationships. If I am going to break a pattern I need to know what pattern that is. My husband was a control freak, not at first but by the time the kids came along, he was into himself and his career, I was nothing more then a house keeper and cook. I was reminded everyday by him that I was not as important in life as he was because he had this very big job and all I was, was a stay at home mom. I didnt need new clothes or shoes, I didn't need to have my hair done or have friends, this is how he treated me. It took me 18 long hard emotionaly painful months to have it finally be over, but I survived. 2 years later I met a wonderful strong man who was attending AA for his addiction problems. He was caring, giving, supportive, he was everything my ex-husband was not. But then the addict in him came out and my life seems to be right back to where it was when I was going through my divorce. Emotional termoil, numb feelings and anxiety and depression. I know I will survive because I have before but I want a life where this is not going to happen again and I need to learn how to stop it from happening again. I need to work on me. You will find the strength and your life will be at piece again.

LaTeeDa

Minx is right about this. When my husband and I split last August, I didn't believe he would ever get sober. I let go, I mourned the marriage and the future I had planned, and moved on with my life. I was totally prepared and even a little excited about having my own life, on my own. Then he threw a wrench in it by getting sober, LOL.

I know you want that to happen, but the painful truth is, it's out of your hands. You have to accept that you are the only one whose life you can change. I wish every A would get sober, but it seems that the odds are against them. The good news is, you don't have to go down with the ship. You will have a great life, and whatever is meant to be will.

L