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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 9
Newbie
I'm a newbie here and just wanted to share a little about myself.
I married my AH just over a year ago. It wasn't the way it is now back then. Its been a progression that has finally pushed me to make some decisions for myself. I still believe strongly in the vows I made to him a year ago, I just didnt think the "worse" part would be alchoholism, or that it would come to this so early in our marriage. I do love him dearly, and when alchohol is not involved, he is a wonderful, caring, warm hearted, hard working and ambitious person. When alchohol is involved, there is a constant fear of something happening, that he's going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person, or cause me another embarassment.
Last weekend I went to 2 weddings by myself because he wanted to go to the bar instead of be with me. I enabled him by letting him go (after all he had worked all day). I went to the bar to pick him up after the weddings (it was only 10 pm) I got a soda and sat by one of my friends for a little bit, chatting, and he came up behind me and pulled me off of my stool. I was wearing a cute dress that I'd worn to the weddings and had gotten several compliments and next thing I know, I'm laying on the floor of a bar and everyone is staring. I got up, extremely embarassed since I hadn't a drop of alchohol, and told him to leave. His response: "What crawled up your butt" only there were more words in that sentence when he said it. I left, only to get phonecalls from 4 of my friends warning me that they'd kicked him out of the bar and he was on his way home and warning me to come back to get away from him. I was still there when he got home, he fell on his face 3 times in the kitchen, and yelled at me some more. I had a friend of mine come get me to take me out of the house.
That, although it wasnt the first time he'd embarassed me, was the worst thus far. Thats when I realized I have to do something, but didnt know what.
I haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting yet, but am looking for one in my area.
The hardest thing for me to deal with right now is that I didnt do anything wrong, and none of this is my fault, but I'm the one who has to struggle. Some people have told me to just pack my stuff and leave. They havent been in my situation, and I know some (if not all) of you have. It is way easier said than done. I dont want to leave him, we just got married! I guess I just don't know what to do and I'm not used to feeling helpless about my own life.
Any advice is welcome.
I married my AH just over a year ago. It wasn't the way it is now back then. Its been a progression that has finally pushed me to make some decisions for myself. I still believe strongly in the vows I made to him a year ago, I just didnt think the "worse" part would be alchoholism, or that it would come to this so early in our marriage. I do love him dearly, and when alchohol is not involved, he is a wonderful, caring, warm hearted, hard working and ambitious person. When alchohol is involved, there is a constant fear of something happening, that he's going to say the wrong thing to the wrong person, or cause me another embarassment.
Last weekend I went to 2 weddings by myself because he wanted to go to the bar instead of be with me. I enabled him by letting him go (after all he had worked all day). I went to the bar to pick him up after the weddings (it was only 10 pm) I got a soda and sat by one of my friends for a little bit, chatting, and he came up behind me and pulled me off of my stool. I was wearing a cute dress that I'd worn to the weddings and had gotten several compliments and next thing I know, I'm laying on the floor of a bar and everyone is staring. I got up, extremely embarassed since I hadn't a drop of alchohol, and told him to leave. His response: "What crawled up your butt" only there were more words in that sentence when he said it. I left, only to get phonecalls from 4 of my friends warning me that they'd kicked him out of the bar and he was on his way home and warning me to come back to get away from him. I was still there when he got home, he fell on his face 3 times in the kitchen, and yelled at me some more. I had a friend of mine come get me to take me out of the house.
That, although it wasnt the first time he'd embarassed me, was the worst thus far. Thats when I realized I have to do something, but didnt know what.
I haven't been to an Al-Anon meeting yet, but am looking for one in my area.
The hardest thing for me to deal with right now is that I didnt do anything wrong, and none of this is my fault, but I'm the one who has to struggle. Some people have told me to just pack my stuff and leave. They havent been in my situation, and I know some (if not all) of you have. It is way easier said than done. I dont want to leave him, we just got married! I guess I just don't know what to do and I'm not used to feeling helpless about my own life.
Any advice is welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hi Sassy
Welcome and so sorry this is happening.
What he did was not just embarass you - he physically (and verbally) assaulted you.
A couple things about your post jumped out at me. I don't believe you enabled him by going to the weddings alone and him going to the bar. I think you took care of yourself and didn't let his drinking keep you from going.
You say you didn't think the worse would happen this soon in your marriage. I'm going to guess he drank while you were dating, etc. I'm guessing that because my AH did, too. I thought it would stay at a certain level I could tolerate. And all our friends drank, so what's the big deal. 18 years later I am getting a divorce.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and unless he gets help for it now it will only get worse for the both of you.
In the meantime, there are things you can do for yourself. Read about alcoholism - I like "Under the Influence" as a start. Check out Al-Anon as a possibility and individual therapy. All have helped me enormously.
Please stay safe, do not let him physically abuse you and keep coming back.
Welcome and so sorry this is happening.
What he did was not just embarass you - he physically (and verbally) assaulted you.
A couple things about your post jumped out at me. I don't believe you enabled him by going to the weddings alone and him going to the bar. I think you took care of yourself and didn't let his drinking keep you from going.
You say you didn't think the worse would happen this soon in your marriage. I'm going to guess he drank while you were dating, etc. I'm guessing that because my AH did, too. I thought it would stay at a certain level I could tolerate. And all our friends drank, so what's the big deal. 18 years later I am getting a divorce.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and unless he gets help for it now it will only get worse for the both of you.
In the meantime, there are things you can do for yourself. Read about alcoholism - I like "Under the Influence" as a start. Check out Al-Anon as a possibility and individual therapy. All have helped me enormously.
Please stay safe, do not let him physically abuse you and keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 59
Hi Sassy!
Hi .. It's me, (LeahmelanieNJ), you know where I am from.
I frequent these boards, though I am usually on the Nar-anon board. I am SO happy that you took my suggestion and came to SR. It is great support.
I think once you start to attend Alanon you will understand more about alcoholism. It is a something that is hard to understand at first, even something we may never fully understand. I just want to welcome you to SR and let you know that you ALWAYS have support...wither through SR or face to face meetings..
Always remember the three C's
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it
I frequent these boards, though I am usually on the Nar-anon board. I am SO happy that you took my suggestion and came to SR. It is great support.
I think once you start to attend Alanon you will understand more about alcoholism. It is a something that is hard to understand at first, even something we may never fully understand. I just want to welcome you to SR and let you know that you ALWAYS have support...wither through SR or face to face meetings..
Always remember the three C's
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it
You can't Cure it
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: NJ
Posts: 59
Oh... and I agree with the PP. What he did to you was physical assault. please try to keep yourself safe. You didn't tell your story like that on the other message board. You said it was unintentional (like he nudged you and you fell). That is also something loved ones of addicts/alcoholics do. We try to downplay how bad the things our A's do are. I think you should really look into trying to at least separate from him if you feel you are at risk of him harming you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 9
He did drink occasionally when we were dating, but so did I. I'm only 24 years old, so not that far off from 21, and we did go out once in a while. Where I'm from, theres not much else to do but go to the bars or bowling (all the bowling alleys have a bar). They've actually been running a series this week on the high number of alcoholics in my county in our local paper. Around here alcohol is in the culture and is very much a learned behavior that progresses to alcoholism.
note: last weekend was the first time that any of his actions, intentional or not (I asked him and he still doesnt know what he was trying to do) has been physical.
note: last weekend was the first time that any of his actions, intentional or not (I asked him and he still doesnt know what he was trying to do) has been physical.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: novato, ca
Posts: 181
Only you can decide what you will live with and for how long. I have been married to my AH over 12 years. We have to wonderful little boys. There were red flags before we got married but I didn't know enough to pay any attention to them. There was a long, slow progression of his alcoholism before I decided things had to change. Things are changing but it's slow and much harder on both of us than I thought it would be. I still don't know if AH will be someone I can live with in the future.
We can't control the behavior of our AH. When we are ready, we can make boundaries regarding what behavior we will accept. But we have to be ready to follow through with whatever we've decided to do if our boundaries are crossed. Beyond that, all we can control is who we are and what we do.
Welcome to SR. It's a great place and there are a lot of people around here with a lot more experience and wisdom than me so stick around and you'll get lots of support and information.
We can't control the behavior of our AH. When we are ready, we can make boundaries regarding what behavior we will accept. But we have to be ready to follow through with whatever we've decided to do if our boundaries are crossed. Beyond that, all we can control is who we are and what we do.
Welcome to SR. It's a great place and there are a lot of people around here with a lot more experience and wisdom than me so stick around and you'll get lots of support and information.
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