sadface

It has been two years since I heard my AH was having an affair. We have been separated for almost 16 mos. I really don't see us getting back together. I feel there is nothing left between us except our son. AH says he quits drinking and than I hear he drank only one. The past four mos. we have seen each other maybe 3-4 times for about 15 minutes. Yesterday, I was talking to him about our son and how when we were together we agreed on...AH interupted by saying we don't have to be together...I continued to say I always heard him tell my son to respect me and follow my rules. I did the same. I guess what I am trying to say is; it has been 16 mos. and he shows no signs of working on our relationship. he has not hit bottom and if he did, he is comfortable there. ONe of my friends has fixed me up with a blind date, and I am wondering if I should go out. I am not looking to get married or sex. I am looking for a friend - campanion somebody I can go see a movie once in awhile, go out for dinner, etc... I know we may not click at all, but I kinda want to start meeting other men. It isn't that I feel a man will make me complete but to be honest I am lonely. I don't plan on ever getting married again. My AH was my second and I obviously don't know how to pick them. I want to continue working on myself and to feel I am happy with myself first. I have so many plans; change my appearance, my house, yard, refiance, work, cont. education, and have fun vacations. And of course be here for my children. Please give me your opinions. I know you will be honest. I may not like what I hear but I know deep down you are trying to help.

teke

hi sad face

you sound a lot like me about dating though i am too sick right now(codie sick) so i can't give and opinion right now but i do know that with all that you are not looking for right now and the friend that you are looking for, in light of this, it reminded me of what i was not looking for when i decided to date my h.

like you this is my 2 marriage too, i would not dare try to pick one either. i think i'll just stick around to see what other advice you get so that i too can possible know how to handle this if time comes for me to make this kind of decision.

addiction makes every decision seems hard sometimes to me.

cwohio

sorry no advice from me either sadface. i too am too busy working on my issues to even think about that prospect. i highly doubt i'll ever get married again. my marriage was the first and i married later in life (38). i am in a bit of a different position as my husband passed away 9 months ago. i get lonely once in a while but it passes for me and for now, girlfriends to go do something with is all i want to handle. good luck with whatever you decide.

denny57

Hi sadface

Ok, can't give advice, but it sounds like you want to do it, and I say that's good enough for saying yes. What would be the downside? From your post I can't see any.

Have a good time.

pmaslan

3 words my dear....
Go for it!

robina

I would say go ahead.

It sounds like you're in a good place in your recovery, and we can all use more friends. This will give you a chance to get out, and hopefully, it will be fun.

laurie6781

Well, in all honestly you won't really know if your ready for dating or not until you try it.

You might want to each take your own vehicles and that way if you do start to feel uncomfortable, you can politely shorten the 'date.'

There are some good reasons, for using your own vehicle and meeting the person elsewhere. The one stated above, of course, plus you're not subjecting your son just yet to "mom is going out with another man"; the date does not immediately have to know where you live; you have the 'freedom' of escape if needed; etc etc

Just a thought.

Love and (((((to all))))),

sadface

laurie; thanks for the advice. We are in the same wave length.

reader

Hi Sadface, For once I will join in with the overwhelming popular opinion. Like someone said what do u have to lose, you sound extremely grounded and know what u want and don't want. Sometimes I can be implusive and throw caution to the wind, it can be called fear which can often hold us back. Maybe this blind date idea was brought to ur attention now after a 16 month hiatus for a reason. I am a true romantic at heart, there is someone for everyone. It can often be as simple as letting your guard down and letting ur heart lead. Well, take this with a grain of salt, as I often follow with my heart instead of my head. For all the curve balls, life has thrown me the one thing I have been lucky with is love. A fool in love, yes I am one!! Go get um girl, ya only live once!

Kerry

Pick-a-name

Here is the wet blanket....finish one before you start another. You are still married,right? JMO
If that is the way you feel, fine....but end the marriage first and then move on.

StandingStrong

I have to lean on the side of Pick-A-Name. I was not out looking for a relationship when a male friend of mine and I started hanging out together. It started harmlessly enough - but in the end - it made things much more difficult than they ever should have been - on many levels.

If your Ah and you are not trying to work things out and there seems to be no hope of you getting back together, why not end the marriage and have it over with?
And just a thought - are you prepared for what your AH may say about you seeing someone else, even if you are just friends? While he may not have the right to say anything at all as he has someone else, would it really be worth the headache if he were to say anything to you?

Having become companions (hanging out and spending time) with my male friend caused a whole lot of issues that never should have come to be in my own situation.
I'd highly suggest making sure of what you want - and then making sure it's worth whatever the inner turmoil that the consequences may bring.

teke

hi sadface, i have read and re-read your post and all the response so far and i agree with pick a name and standing strong. in my early yrs, i tried to do this too, little did i know how confusing and painful my life was to become. things don't always work out the way we plan them. i had to learn the hard way so that you won't have to. this is only my opinion.

reader

Oh, I thought your divorce was imminent. If money is holding u back there are many affordable solutions. A good friend of mine seperated from his wife, she left him, he never filed for a divorce nor did she, he has her still on his insurance and they spilt her copays. Fifteen years later they each do there own things and our happy. Each to his own I guess. Kerry

guyinNC

Go have fun! You deserve to be happy. It sounds like you are healing and this would be helpful too. Date a lot, different guys, have fun with it. Your Prince Charming is out there!!

megamysterioso

I too would say to officially divorce the man first before attempting to date anyone. Unless you are legally separated (just like divorce, just cannot re-marry), I would not really go just yet. I would feel like there is just too much "unfinished business" on my end to drag some other person into it (even if it was just a casual relationship). Your AH will more than likely not view it as "casual" and then you have more drama in the air.

I think that once you're officially done however, that you should go out and do whatever you want with whoever you want. My second marriage is coming to an end as well and I too do not want to repeat my past mistakes and really have no interest in anything "deep" with anyone for quite some time. Just remember all of your personal goals and stay true to yourself and remember all that you've learned no matter how "great" the guy maybe. From my own experience, I have always found it too easy to get distracted by the new man in my life. It quickly turns into "all about him." That is a cycle that has been put to rest. I will always have to work on that part of me however because my natural inclination has always leaned toward focusing on "the other". Not anymore baby!!!!

Jazzman

Unless you're legally separated, (or divorced really) it could be tough to attract the right kind of guy... But I will say this... Since it's been so long for me to be in the dating scene *gag*... I found it's kinda like going on a job interview if you haven't done that in a while either. I would have to get a few of them under my belt before I had any confidence.

Meet for lunch, or coffee even, short and sweet and if you feel like you have two left feet... Gotta run! See ya!

cwohio

not to derail the thread, but was that a freudian slip jazz?

Jazzman

It's a figure of SPEECH!!!

*shakes head.... gutter mind*

Live

Look, I have many wonderful male friends and I am a happily married woman.
I can go out and have dinner with them, even visit for a weekend, one is offering to take me out on the town buying air tickets and all for a show off time in West Palm Beach...and yes, I would go.

The thing about dating is that you don't go out to meet your knight in shining armor....you go to enjoy a meal or whatever and possibly meet a new friend.
If you don't enjoy their company,, you just don't see them again. If you do then enjoy their friendship...and from friendships first can develop companionship and even sometimes love.

Just go light and easy and don't make a burden of expectations out of it. And that last line is the best advice I can give.
I was single 13 years, so I think I have some experience here.


live

maggie1958

I have to agree with getting yourself divorced before you start dating. I've been divorced since 91 and have dated 2 men who were "seprated"...and ended up getting hurt both times, one just recently. Should have learned the first time but didn't, you don't date someone who isn't ready to get on with their life and that is one of the big steps to getting on with life. It's fine to date...maybe...the last guy told me their divorce was matter of time, he had bought a house, moved on, ect....but he was still in that "don't know what I want stage" most of the time. I was willing to give him time to figure that out, but I guess my emotions got in the way too. I started caring for him way too much. He ended up ending things because of that. I made a promise to myself to never again date someone who is not ready to date, not ready to move on with life, not willing to give at least a little of themselves to a relationship. This board has made me take a look at myself and my past relationships but this was one thing I hadn't really seen here. I pretty much covered all the others bases....drinking...drugs....abuse...control...ect ...but hadn't really concidered the not willing to let go of the past. He was a nice guy, very much a gentleman, good job, good family, but just couldn't let go of the past and it got the best of what we were developing. I guess what I'm saying if you decide to date make sure you are up front that you cannot make any kind of commitment, and just remember it sucks to be the rebound person if that is why you are dating them. I wish you the best and hope you can move on with life. It took me a long time but I feel I am finally ready to move on. I do want a relationship with someone and for the first time in a long time feel like I could handle that now. Just do it for the right reasons, for friendship and companionship, and because you feel you are ready for it.