Today is my wedding anniversary....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Today is my wedding anniversary....
and I'm feeling very depressed. Of course, I'm also second-guessing myself at this point about if I'm truly doing the right thing.
18 years ago I married the man that I loved. The man I'd had a crush on since I was 6 years old. The man that had been one of my closest friends throughout our childhood. And throughout 18 years of marriage, there were good times and bad (more bad than good) but that does not change for me what I had hoped for, nor the dreams that I'd had, nor the love that I had and still have for the man that I married.
I truly wonder if I'm doing the right thing. The emotional side of me versus the logical side of me - constantly arguing - has been a problem for me throughout this entire marriage, but has been especially hard for me to decipher this past year.
I know in my heart that this hurts me regardless of if the marriage is dissolved or if we'd choose to continue the way we have been going. Regardless of it all - it hurts, and that's the simple reality.
Feeling sad today as I grieve through the loss of so many things.
18 years ago I married the man that I loved. The man I'd had a crush on since I was 6 years old. The man that had been one of my closest friends throughout our childhood. And throughout 18 years of marriage, there were good times and bad (more bad than good) but that does not change for me what I had hoped for, nor the dreams that I'd had, nor the love that I had and still have for the man that I married.
I truly wonder if I'm doing the right thing. The emotional side of me versus the logical side of me - constantly arguing - has been a problem for me throughout this entire marriage, but has been especially hard for me to decipher this past year.
I know in my heart that this hurts me regardless of if the marriage is dissolved or if we'd choose to continue the way we have been going. Regardless of it all - it hurts, and that's the simple reality.
Feeling sad today as I grieve through the loss of so many things.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
SS....I am sorry that things have turned out this way for you.
I know what it is like to lose the man you love, when that isn't
what you want at all. Prayers for you and please try to do
something to cheer yourself up a little today....(((SS)))
I know what it is like to lose the man you love, when that isn't
what you want at all. Prayers for you and please try to do
something to cheer yourself up a little today....(((SS)))
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i am so sorrystanding strong
18 yrs is a long time and it is so hard to not hold on, i know your pain oh so well, for me, when i realized that there was nothing i could do to fix this or to help my ah, it hurt even worse. i guess as time goes by, it gets better but for me it like we never really had a chance to enjoy our lives together. drugs took over my man, my marriage and my livelihood, now i have to do something for me, i have done all i know to do for him and not i guess i have to allow him to take care of himself and that was not in my plans.
i feel all alone sometimes even though i know now that i am not. since my heart hurts all the time anyway, if i could take on your pain so that you wouldn't have to, i would, i am praying for you and yours. maybe it does not have to be over for ever, maybe just for now. lets believe together.
18 yrs is a long time and it is so hard to not hold on, i know your pain oh so well, for me, when i realized that there was nothing i could do to fix this or to help my ah, it hurt even worse. i guess as time goes by, it gets better but for me it like we never really had a chance to enjoy our lives together. drugs took over my man, my marriage and my livelihood, now i have to do something for me, i have done all i know to do for him and not i guess i have to allow him to take care of himself and that was not in my plans.
i feel all alone sometimes even though i know now that i am not. since my heart hurts all the time anyway, if i could take on your pain so that you wouldn't have to, i would, i am praying for you and yours. maybe it does not have to be over for ever, maybe just for now. lets believe together.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
As you know, grieving is normal and healthy. It's also excrutiatingly painful. I know how hard it is to let go of all those hopes and dreams. It is something that you must go through in order to come out on the other side. I'm sorry you are going through it right now, but you will come out. And things are better on the other side. Try to think about that while you are feeling the pain, okay?
((()))
L
((()))
L
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.
Thanks SS for sharing and Happy 18th Anniversary to u even tho things are not on a happy note right now.
18 yrs is a long time to be with one person. Been there done that. In fact tomorrow is my 24th wedding anniversary. Man, i have to keep pinching myself to see that this is for real. 24 yrs is unbelievable. So is 18. Those r yrs of many ups and downs with one person.
I am the one here in my marriage thats in recovery. Been here for 15 yrs by the Grace of my Higher Power whome i chose to call God. My family did an intervention on me and had the police to pick me up when i wasnt willing to go by myself. It was at that time my family did for me what i couldnt do for myself. For them and AA im truely greatful.
Now for marriage....believe me it has not been a bed of roses for us. It has been me who has turned our relationship up and down and all around. I do feel pretty bad for all the crap i have put my poor husband thru and my family.
In early recovery he did attend Al-anon and picked up a word dettach and sometimes throws that in my face and then clams hes working a program...yeah right...lol
You cant work on a program just sitting on ur butt and going to work. But he claims he's ok and can deal with it.
I learned early on in recovery that when one person is sick with a disease then it affects all in the family that is why there is Al-anon for the spouse and al-a-teen for the kids. Everyone needs help in order to have a healthier family.
My spouse and i have been so close to preparing for a divorce quite a few times. Close as last Dec. We just got passed a 5 month strain on our marriage. But.....we r still here together. A little more peaceful at the moment but i tell myself that there r no gurantees in our marriage or anything else. Not even for my recovery if i chose to slack off.
Sometimes i think of an easier softer way to end all this misery in our marriage and yet there is no easier softer way. Just going thru the discussions and plans of a divorse would take soo much out of us.....So what do u do...stay and pray that this too shall pass and things will eventually get better or go thru the stress, anxiety, depression of divorse. Its a no win situation i guess.
But for me....no matter what happens i am willing to stay sober and do the next best thing and allow my higher Power to guide me and remember it is His Will and not mine at whatever happens here in my marriage.
I have today which is good. Tomorrow isnt here yet. I plan on going to work as usual and whatever happen afterwards well....i wait and see.
Hang in there SS and do something special for u. U R That IMPORTANT.
Thanks for letting me share.
Thanks SS for sharing and Happy 18th Anniversary to u even tho things are not on a happy note right now.
18 yrs is a long time to be with one person. Been there done that. In fact tomorrow is my 24th wedding anniversary. Man, i have to keep pinching myself to see that this is for real. 24 yrs is unbelievable. So is 18. Those r yrs of many ups and downs with one person.
I am the one here in my marriage thats in recovery. Been here for 15 yrs by the Grace of my Higher Power whome i chose to call God. My family did an intervention on me and had the police to pick me up when i wasnt willing to go by myself. It was at that time my family did for me what i couldnt do for myself. For them and AA im truely greatful.
Now for marriage....believe me it has not been a bed of roses for us. It has been me who has turned our relationship up and down and all around. I do feel pretty bad for all the crap i have put my poor husband thru and my family.
In early recovery he did attend Al-anon and picked up a word dettach and sometimes throws that in my face and then clams hes working a program...yeah right...lol
You cant work on a program just sitting on ur butt and going to work. But he claims he's ok and can deal with it.
I learned early on in recovery that when one person is sick with a disease then it affects all in the family that is why there is Al-anon for the spouse and al-a-teen for the kids. Everyone needs help in order to have a healthier family.
My spouse and i have been so close to preparing for a divorce quite a few times. Close as last Dec. We just got passed a 5 month strain on our marriage. But.....we r still here together. A little more peaceful at the moment but i tell myself that there r no gurantees in our marriage or anything else. Not even for my recovery if i chose to slack off.
Sometimes i think of an easier softer way to end all this misery in our marriage and yet there is no easier softer way. Just going thru the discussions and plans of a divorse would take soo much out of us.....So what do u do...stay and pray that this too shall pass and things will eventually get better or go thru the stress, anxiety, depression of divorse. Its a no win situation i guess.
But for me....no matter what happens i am willing to stay sober and do the next best thing and allow my higher Power to guide me and remember it is His Will and not mine at whatever happens here in my marriage.
I have today which is good. Tomorrow isnt here yet. I plan on going to work as usual and whatever happen afterwards well....i wait and see.
Hang in there SS and do something special for u. U R That IMPORTANT.
Thanks for letting me share.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
(((SS)))- many hugs to you today and I hope that you are extra kind to yourself. Anyone of us that took the plunge (marriage) did so thinking it would never end IMO. I wanted a lifelong partner to create beautiful memories with, share with, grow with. Grieving the loss of the dream, the plans and all the "what might have beens" is only natural.
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
So sorry for your pain SS. Try to take comfort in this place and the people that come here. You are human and you will hurt. Try to find peace in that because it means that you are human and you are not blind to the problems in your marriage and with that awareness can only come healing IMO, whether it be with or without your AH. Please take care of yourself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
June 6th was the last time I attempted to really talk to AH. I felt the need to go read this IM conversation again to remind myself of why I am doing this. It's quite lengthy if you care to read it. But it reminds me that he is not taking responsibility for his own actions and lack of actions. Reminds me of his accusatory manner towards me. Reminds me of why I went ahead and had the papers drawn back up.
Edited to remove names. And edited out the daily chit chat. The following was the part where we talked about our feelings.
SS: Not that you care to know - so feel free
to log off anytime you want too so you don't have to
read what I have to say....................
But I have been very angry at you for what
all you have done to me - and not done - for the kids
and myself.
I have also been angry with myself for
having allowed you to treat me as you have and still
sometimes do.
I had a great time with you when we went
last Saturday - but I also realize that we are both
banging our heads against an invisable wall. You still
want everything to go your way - and I feel that the
things I have asked for have been more than
reasonable. That is just my opinion obviously but
it has become quite obvious (in my opinion) that you
are still allowing your pride to stand in the way of a
lot of things
And that is fine, that is your
choice.
I did used to try to control your drinking
- I tried to make you stop.
That was wrong of me. I know that I
wanted you to stop so that all of us could have a
better life - and that includes you.
But I still should not have tried to make
you stop in the controlling way that I did. And for
that, I apologize.
I also should not have been hanging around
with (guy friend) or doing any of the things that I did - and
for that, I am also very sorry.
I am sorry that I have hurt you. I know
that I have.
One of the reasons that I have been so
angry at myself besides being upset that I allowed you
to treat me that way is because I was angry that after
everything you have done to me - I still love you.
However - the fact of the matter is - I do
love you and I always will. I miss the man that I
fell in love with all those years ago.
I always will.
This has been very hard for me - the whole
situation.
I did not always tell you how I felt - for
many reasons.
And I mentioned one of them to you
earlier However........... I am not lecturing you when I say what I
am about to say so I hope that you will take it with
the concern that I am saying it and not as a slam.
But I hope that when you go to the AA
meetings and your weekend in (rehab center for DUI) that you will
open your mind up a little and open your heart and
truly LISTEN to what you will hear.
You may feel that you aren't like those
other people that are there - as you said before - but
I hope that you will listen.
I hope alot of things for you.
I hope alot of things for you, me, and the
kids. But hope is fruitless without action and
results.
Anyways, like I said, I just hope that you
will listen.
I know that you don't want to hear how I
truly feel or what I think. You only become angry and
defensive with me and you accuse me of lying, etc.
this does not make me want to tell you how my heart
feels.
this makes me want to just cower away and
not say anything.
it is wrong to accuse someone of lying
when they tell you how they feel in their heart -
especially when for years, I stood by your side and I
loved you through it all and you say things like "YOU
always thought I was a peice of crap". that is not
true. but many things you say in reference to my
thoughts and feelings, etc are not true.
I believe in my heart that you know deep
in your heart that alot of the things you say to me
are not true. I believe that your pride and your
hurt and your anger stand in the way of you truly
allowing yourself to see the truth and to believe me.
however, I may be wrong - that is just what I believe.
As stupid as it may sound to you - and I
know that you wont' believe me - I love you and I want
the best for you. But there are some things that you
are lacking right now - things that you lost somewhere
along the way - and I hope that you find them again.
I want you to be happy - but more than
that, I want you to be "whole" and I don't believe you
have felt that way for a long time - if ever.
AH: now let me talk and no enterrupting me
SS: Okay
AH: you kicked me out of your life when you
kicked me out of the house and you did not want
anything to do with me
you were the one that was running with
another man but it was suppose to be okay with me
you were happy the way things were and did
not want things to change
you have made the mess we are in right now
and yes i know my drinking caused problems but you
really ****** this up
yea i know i have not done things right
and i have also messed things up but you are the one
that has kept us apart not me
i have wanted to work things out with you
from january of 2004 but you have not tried to help me
in any way what so ever.
you want to push this ******** on to me
because of (fling's name) and thats fine i cant make you
forgive me for anything that i have done in my life
you say you want me to be happy and whole
but in december of 2005 i was complete and you just
stole my world again
i dont know what you think i should feel
anymore but my life is and has been messed up for
along time and i am really tired of it
you say you want good things for us but
you wont move forward so there is no us
just like
you have wanted it
you talk like you want us to be together
but yet you only want to keep me away.
you need to make up your mind what you really want because this is
killing me. just like today you come down to work
and gave me a hug and that just really messes with
my feelings because you know damn well that i love
you with all of my heart and i am the only one that
has wanted this to work between us and you do ****
like that and then you will just tare my heart out
again
you say this is hard for you but that i
dont beleive because you have been very hateful to me
and yes i know i have been that way to you but that is
because its the only way i can stop wanting you all
the ******* time. thats what really sucks
AH: i love you and i always will the
problem is i want to be with you and thats a one way
street so yea it hurts me to be with you knowing you
are leaving and i cant be with you
SS: This is where you are not listening to
what I have been telling you in forever. However, I
can repeat myself until I'm blue in the face and you
only accuse me of lying. Apparently you have
convinced yourself of how you think I feel without
really hearing me.
AH: okay
SS: Hopefully one of these days you will wake
up and realize the truth.
AH: lol yea i am the one that needs to wake
up.
you dont listen to me
thats fine
SS: Yes, I do.
Put bluntly, this is what I hear you
saying - correct me if I'm wrong ok?
1) I am sorry that I put you through hell.
2) but you brought all this misery upon
yourself by deciding to kick me out
3) It really isn't important what I have
done concerning other women because of you and (male friend)
4) I realy do love you and want you back
5) But it has to be this way - you simply
forget the entire past and give me a whole new fresh
start despite what I have and have not done.
Does that sum it up or am I way off base?
AH: same old **** isnt it
SS: what?
AH: you
SS: I was summing it up.
I asked if I was wrong.
and there you go w/ your attitude towards
me.
--Pause in conversation---
Okay - so you are apparently ignoring me
now so I guess I'll just talk to you later.
AH: see ya
SS: Night.
This conversation also reminds me of Minnie's post about starting sentences with the word "I" (I think it was MInnie's post) as I noticed right away that most of AH's sentences started with "you" which I take as blaming/accusing.
Anyways..............thank you all for the support and the kind words. I'm just trying to get through the day.
Edited to remove names. And edited out the daily chit chat. The following was the part where we talked about our feelings.
SS: Not that you care to know - so feel free
to log off anytime you want too so you don't have to
read what I have to say....................
But I have been very angry at you for what
all you have done to me - and not done - for the kids
and myself.
I have also been angry with myself for
having allowed you to treat me as you have and still
sometimes do.
I had a great time with you when we went
last Saturday - but I also realize that we are both
banging our heads against an invisable wall. You still
want everything to go your way - and I feel that the
things I have asked for have been more than
reasonable. That is just my opinion obviously but
it has become quite obvious (in my opinion) that you
are still allowing your pride to stand in the way of a
lot of things
And that is fine, that is your
choice.
I did used to try to control your drinking
- I tried to make you stop.
That was wrong of me. I know that I
wanted you to stop so that all of us could have a
better life - and that includes you.
But I still should not have tried to make
you stop in the controlling way that I did. And for
that, I apologize.
I also should not have been hanging around
with (guy friend) or doing any of the things that I did - and
for that, I am also very sorry.
I am sorry that I have hurt you. I know
that I have.
One of the reasons that I have been so
angry at myself besides being upset that I allowed you
to treat me that way is because I was angry that after
everything you have done to me - I still love you.
However - the fact of the matter is - I do
love you and I always will. I miss the man that I
fell in love with all those years ago.
I always will.
This has been very hard for me - the whole
situation.
I did not always tell you how I felt - for
many reasons.
And I mentioned one of them to you
earlier However........... I am not lecturing you when I say what I
am about to say so I hope that you will take it with
the concern that I am saying it and not as a slam.
But I hope that when you go to the AA
meetings and your weekend in (rehab center for DUI) that you will
open your mind up a little and open your heart and
truly LISTEN to what you will hear.
You may feel that you aren't like those
other people that are there - as you said before - but
I hope that you will listen.
I hope alot of things for you.
I hope alot of things for you, me, and the
kids. But hope is fruitless without action and
results.
Anyways, like I said, I just hope that you
will listen.
I know that you don't want to hear how I
truly feel or what I think. You only become angry and
defensive with me and you accuse me of lying, etc.
this does not make me want to tell you how my heart
feels.
this makes me want to just cower away and
not say anything.
it is wrong to accuse someone of lying
when they tell you how they feel in their heart -
especially when for years, I stood by your side and I
loved you through it all and you say things like "YOU
always thought I was a peice of crap". that is not
true. but many things you say in reference to my
thoughts and feelings, etc are not true.
I believe in my heart that you know deep
in your heart that alot of the things you say to me
are not true. I believe that your pride and your
hurt and your anger stand in the way of you truly
allowing yourself to see the truth and to believe me.
however, I may be wrong - that is just what I believe.
As stupid as it may sound to you - and I
know that you wont' believe me - I love you and I want
the best for you. But there are some things that you
are lacking right now - things that you lost somewhere
along the way - and I hope that you find them again.
I want you to be happy - but more than
that, I want you to be "whole" and I don't believe you
have felt that way for a long time - if ever.
AH: now let me talk and no enterrupting me
SS: Okay
AH: you kicked me out of your life when you
kicked me out of the house and you did not want
anything to do with me
you were the one that was running with
another man but it was suppose to be okay with me
you were happy the way things were and did
not want things to change
you have made the mess we are in right now
and yes i know my drinking caused problems but you
really ****** this up
yea i know i have not done things right
and i have also messed things up but you are the one
that has kept us apart not me
i have wanted to work things out with you
from january of 2004 but you have not tried to help me
in any way what so ever.
you want to push this ******** on to me
because of (fling's name) and thats fine i cant make you
forgive me for anything that i have done in my life
you say you want me to be happy and whole
but in december of 2005 i was complete and you just
stole my world again
i dont know what you think i should feel
anymore but my life is and has been messed up for
along time and i am really tired of it
you say you want good things for us but
you wont move forward so there is no us
just like
you have wanted it
you talk like you want us to be together
but yet you only want to keep me away.
you need to make up your mind what you really want because this is
killing me. just like today you come down to work
and gave me a hug and that just really messes with
my feelings because you know damn well that i love
you with all of my heart and i am the only one that
has wanted this to work between us and you do ****
like that and then you will just tare my heart out
again
you say this is hard for you but that i
dont beleive because you have been very hateful to me
and yes i know i have been that way to you but that is
because its the only way i can stop wanting you all
the ******* time. thats what really sucks
AH: i love you and i always will the
problem is i want to be with you and thats a one way
street so yea it hurts me to be with you knowing you
are leaving and i cant be with you
SS: This is where you are not listening to
what I have been telling you in forever. However, I
can repeat myself until I'm blue in the face and you
only accuse me of lying. Apparently you have
convinced yourself of how you think I feel without
really hearing me.
AH: okay
SS: Hopefully one of these days you will wake
up and realize the truth.
AH: lol yea i am the one that needs to wake
up.
you dont listen to me
thats fine
SS: Yes, I do.
Put bluntly, this is what I hear you
saying - correct me if I'm wrong ok?
1) I am sorry that I put you through hell.
2) but you brought all this misery upon
yourself by deciding to kick me out
3) It really isn't important what I have
done concerning other women because of you and (male friend)
4) I realy do love you and want you back
5) But it has to be this way - you simply
forget the entire past and give me a whole new fresh
start despite what I have and have not done.
Does that sum it up or am I way off base?
AH: same old **** isnt it
SS: what?
AH: you
SS: I was summing it up.
I asked if I was wrong.
and there you go w/ your attitude towards
me.
--Pause in conversation---
Okay - so you are apparently ignoring me
now so I guess I'll just talk to you later.
AH: see ya
SS: Night.
This conversation also reminds me of Minnie's post about starting sentences with the word "I" (I think it was MInnie's post) as I noticed right away that most of AH's sentences started with "you" which I take as blaming/accusing.
Anyways..............thank you all for the support and the kind words. I'm just trying to get through the day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
And today..........it's the same.
AH: hey
SS: yes?
AH: how are you
SS: In a ****** mood. how are you?
AH: why
SS: no reason, I guess. how are you?
AH: liar i am the same as usual just alive
SS: Fine - if you really want to know - it's our anniversary in case you forgot. that is why I am in a crappy mood.
AH: no i did know that was today just didnt figure it would matter to you
SS: yea, whatever.
Despite what you think, I am not the heartless bitch you think I am.
AH: ok i hope your day gets better i was not trying to fight just the way you have made it
SS: I am not fighting - you called me a liar so I told you why I was in a crappy mood.
SS: yea, I did this all by myself. Not!
AH: not what i have ever said
SS: Okay
AH: ok
SS: thought you were going to call me last night. what happened?
AH: i never said i would call you
SS: you said you'd probably call me. my mistake
AH: yea probably. i am having alot harder time with us then you are
SS: I dont believe that is true
AH: same as its always been
SS: I could say the same for you
AH: yea ok
SS: I tried to open up to you on the computer and tell you how I felt but you just accused and blamed, etc.
Never mind, you dont hear me when I try to talk to you. you only get mad and angry and defensive and mean.
AH: same old stuff anything to keep me away but just enough to k@¹ µó ô^žƒêp?º>§ƒæoPþ] ?Ãn º.§ƒÚePû-/
SS: You have hurt me for years and now you are again just being mean and not listening to me. and today, i am not in the mood - I can't take it. Im getting off here now. bye
and then later...............
AH: dont worry i will go sign your papers tomorrow dont want tm waste
SS: tm waste?
AH: signed the first ones for you instead of trying to make you want @ȓ
SS: I am not getting half of your sentences.
So he logged off as he was IMing me from his cell phone.
Ugh........................................
Oh - and the deal with the phone call - we are having issues w/ one of our kids.
AH: hey
SS: yes?
AH: how are you
SS: In a ****** mood. how are you?
AH: why
SS: no reason, I guess. how are you?
AH: liar i am the same as usual just alive
SS: Fine - if you really want to know - it's our anniversary in case you forgot. that is why I am in a crappy mood.
AH: no i did know that was today just didnt figure it would matter to you
SS: yea, whatever.
Despite what you think, I am not the heartless bitch you think I am.
AH: ok i hope your day gets better i was not trying to fight just the way you have made it
SS: I am not fighting - you called me a liar so I told you why I was in a crappy mood.
SS: yea, I did this all by myself. Not!
AH: not what i have ever said
SS: Okay
AH: ok
SS: thought you were going to call me last night. what happened?
AH: i never said i would call you
SS: you said you'd probably call me. my mistake
AH: yea probably. i am having alot harder time with us then you are
SS: I dont believe that is true
AH: same as its always been
SS: I could say the same for you
AH: yea ok
SS: I tried to open up to you on the computer and tell you how I felt but you just accused and blamed, etc.
Never mind, you dont hear me when I try to talk to you. you only get mad and angry and defensive and mean.
AH: same old stuff anything to keep me away but just enough to k@¹ µó ô^žƒêp?º>§ƒæoPþ] ?Ãn º.§ƒÚePû-/
SS: You have hurt me for years and now you are again just being mean and not listening to me. and today, i am not in the mood - I can't take it. Im getting off here now. bye
and then later...............
AH: dont worry i will go sign your papers tomorrow dont want tm waste
SS: tm waste?
AH: signed the first ones for you instead of trying to make you want @ȓ
SS: I am not getting half of your sentences.
So he logged off as he was IMing me from his cell phone.
Ugh........................................
Oh - and the deal with the phone call - we are having issues w/ one of our kids.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
SS, I feel your pain and frustrations, I truly do. I'm very much in the same spot only, I don't try and make my ah "get it." One reason is, spilling my heart to him when he isn't asking, is silly to me. It's kinda like calling someone and asking them to never call again. Second, if I were to spill my heart and feelings to him, I realize I'm doing that for ME, for myself. As y ou are. My ah wants me to move on and forget the past as well but it's impossible as I've tried before. It's impossible to move on when someone doesn't want to listen to my feelings regarding the past.
Next, I read the IM's with your ah. It sounds just how it would go with my ah only I wouldn't get that much out, just one sentence before the defenses kicked in. You asked something of your ah in order to move on. He won't give it to you. You won't accept that and I don't blame you. Sounds as if you have set your standards higher and that is a good thing. But what he's saying is, "You did whatever with whoever and asked me to leave because you wanted that....you wanted me gone, I didn't want to be gone. I realize I did some terrible things but you're the one that wanted me gone, not me with you."
What that means is: YOU wanted change, not HIM. He doesn't "get it" because in his eyes, sure, he did some crappy stuff but he'd have stayed. You apologized and probably jumped through hoops trying to get him to forgive you. He isn't willing to do the same. He doesn't see that the demise of your marriage wasn't with the guy friend. He doesn't get that his years of alcohol abuse and your codie behavior IS the reason things turned out this way. If he were to see it that way, it wouldn't exactly be all your fault now would it? And then how in the heck can he keep drinking? His disease is talking. He CAN'T accept responsibility right now.
You know what I tell my ah now a days when he starts talking about "us"? I simply tell him, "Not right now. But, if there is ever a day that you're ready to work on true sobriety and get to know yourself, look me up.....we'll see then because I look forward to meeting you." You see, I'm not going into "you did this or won't give me that." I'm simply leaving his life/his problems in his hands. I don't bother explaining what all he's done or how he hurts me, etc. If I were to do that, and oh how I want to, I'd be doing that for myself and pushing it onto him, I need to work through that on my own. He can't help me.
Neither can your ah...at least he hasn't as of yet.
You do need to quit beating your head up against that wall and trying to get his disease to hear you. It can't, it's deaf.
I know how much it hurts.
Next, I read the IM's with your ah. It sounds just how it would go with my ah only I wouldn't get that much out, just one sentence before the defenses kicked in. You asked something of your ah in order to move on. He won't give it to you. You won't accept that and I don't blame you. Sounds as if you have set your standards higher and that is a good thing. But what he's saying is, "You did whatever with whoever and asked me to leave because you wanted that....you wanted me gone, I didn't want to be gone. I realize I did some terrible things but you're the one that wanted me gone, not me with you."
What that means is: YOU wanted change, not HIM. He doesn't "get it" because in his eyes, sure, he did some crappy stuff but he'd have stayed. You apologized and probably jumped through hoops trying to get him to forgive you. He isn't willing to do the same. He doesn't see that the demise of your marriage wasn't with the guy friend. He doesn't get that his years of alcohol abuse and your codie behavior IS the reason things turned out this way. If he were to see it that way, it wouldn't exactly be all your fault now would it? And then how in the heck can he keep drinking? His disease is talking. He CAN'T accept responsibility right now.
You know what I tell my ah now a days when he starts talking about "us"? I simply tell him, "Not right now. But, if there is ever a day that you're ready to work on true sobriety and get to know yourself, look me up.....we'll see then because I look forward to meeting you." You see, I'm not going into "you did this or won't give me that." I'm simply leaving his life/his problems in his hands. I don't bother explaining what all he's done or how he hurts me, etc. If I were to do that, and oh how I want to, I'd be doing that for myself and pushing it onto him, I need to work through that on my own. He can't help me.
Neither can your ah...at least he hasn't as of yet.
You do need to quit beating your head up against that wall and trying to get his disease to hear you. It can't, it's deaf.
I know how much it hurts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Thank you again for the support.
sunshine, your post really spoke to me. You are right - about alot of things. And I know that you've been following my posts, and it seemed for quite some time you were really the only one here that understood what the reasons of why I was asking for those particular things. I'm grateful as I had begun to feel pretty alone.
But coming here today and reading all of your posts reminds me that I am not alone. And makes me feel surrounded by friends. And I thank all of you!!!
When I logged on tonight, there was another message from Ah - a message that was just a 2 sentences long in regards to a memory of something that had happened on our wedding day. My son asked what it meant so I told him and we laughed about it. It felt good to share a good memory with son and it felt good to finally have laughed today. Oh, and I didn't send a message back to Ah.
Tomorrow's another day. We'll see if AH gets my dissolution papers signed.
P.S. I warned you all in a previous post that I knew that hard times were coming as I knew that I'd go through many emotions. Look at the bright side, at least I tend to be sharing more now! But truly, thanks again, your posts mean alot to me.
sunshine, your post really spoke to me. You are right - about alot of things. And I know that you've been following my posts, and it seemed for quite some time you were really the only one here that understood what the reasons of why I was asking for those particular things. I'm grateful as I had begun to feel pretty alone.
But coming here today and reading all of your posts reminds me that I am not alone. And makes me feel surrounded by friends. And I thank all of you!!!
When I logged on tonight, there was another message from Ah - a message that was just a 2 sentences long in regards to a memory of something that had happened on our wedding day. My son asked what it meant so I told him and we laughed about it. It felt good to share a good memory with son and it felt good to finally have laughed today. Oh, and I didn't send a message back to Ah.
Tomorrow's another day. We'll see if AH gets my dissolution papers signed.
P.S. I warned you all in a previous post that I knew that hard times were coming as I knew that I'd go through many emotions. Look at the bright side, at least I tend to be sharing more now! But truly, thanks again, your posts mean alot to me.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
AH: lol yea i am the one that needs to wake
up.
you dont listen to me
thats fine
up.
you dont listen to me
thats fine
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Thank you Mega. I tried to be honest and kind when I spoke to him with no accusations and no "slamming" (insulting). I tried to lovingly "Talk" to him.
I think the part that jumped out at me the most when I read it after the conversation was this part:
I believe that I was right in what I had read and he didn't like it that I was not playing into the "I'm sorry, you're right, it's all my fault" mode.
I mean, isn't that what you all read too?
I think the part that jumped out at me the most when I read it after the conversation was this part:
SS: Yes, I do.
Put bluntly, this is what I hear you
saying - correct me if I'm wrong ok?
1) I am sorry that I put you through hell.
2) but you brought all this misery upon
yourself by deciding to kick me out
3) It really isn't important what I have
done concerning other women because of you and (male friend)
4) I realy do love you and want you back
5) But it has to be this way - you simply
forget the entire past and give me a whole new fresh
start despite what I have and have not done.
Does that sum it up or am I way off base?
AH: same old **** isnt it
SS: what?
AH: you
SS: I was summing it up.
I asked if I was wrong.
and there you go w/ your attitude towards
me.
--Pause in conversation---
Okay - so you are apparently ignoring me
now so I guess I'll just talk to you later.
AH: see ya
Put bluntly, this is what I hear you
saying - correct me if I'm wrong ok?
1) I am sorry that I put you through hell.
2) but you brought all this misery upon
yourself by deciding to kick me out
3) It really isn't important what I have
done concerning other women because of you and (male friend)
4) I realy do love you and want you back
5) But it has to be this way - you simply
forget the entire past and give me a whole new fresh
start despite what I have and have not done.
Does that sum it up or am I way off base?
AH: same old **** isnt it
SS: what?
AH: you
SS: I was summing it up.
I asked if I was wrong.
and there you go w/ your attitude towards
me.
--Pause in conversation---
Okay - so you are apparently ignoring me
now so I guess I'll just talk to you later.
AH: see ya
I mean, isn't that what you all read too?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
An active addict will usually blame everything and everybody for everything. It's simply to damn painful to take responsibility for any of it. You can sleep well knowing that you have tried to the best of your ability. The rest is up to him.
((SS))
L
((SS))
L
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
Yes SS, that is how I read it. I read it as rather than addressing how you perceived it, he simply ignored it and turned it around as a character flaw that YOU have- "it's YOUR same old crap" which really translates into "you're being your usual 'bad' self." He was called out and didn't like it. You made it clear that he was transparent to you. All he could do was retaliate with basically nothing. He's in such denial IMO.
Followtheyellowbrickroad
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Staples, MN
Posts: 104
Ohh SS! I think that we a re married to the same man! Those EXACT conversations, almost verbatim I have had. When I read through them there was a pit in my stomach. I'm so sorry SS, please take care.
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