reader

Well, Burt has quit drinking again. I am afraid of even holding out any hope. That may sound like I am not very supportive but I have been here before. Once he got his month chip than after a relapse got to 6 weeks but just couldn't keep it up longterm. He has been great about respecting my boundries of not drinking in or around the house. His reasoning about going back to it was "I only have one". One large one, I am not stupid. I have said very little and have been working on acceptance and "Letting Go and Let God". This was a attempt he has started without any pressure from family. I have to keep reminding my self one day at a time otherwise the big picture is too overwhelming. I can't help though for having expectations for how I want my family life to be and his alcoholism isn't part of the picture. My mother said I am too much of a perfectionist. She always reminds me how good I have it " he doesn't go to bars, he is a great dad, he spoils u rotten, has a good job" she drives me crazy. Is it wrong of me to want more??? Should I accept something I find unacceptable? I married my Dad, maybe because he died when I was young I looked for him and found him. He could be a great man too but the bottle killed him. My husband often says I am hypersensitive because of it. He really pisses me off when he says " I am not your father". I rarely mention him so why bring it up. Excuses, Excuses, Excuses!! Also Monday is the 21st Anniversary of his death, I have been in a slump for 2 weeks. Every year I say it won't happen this year but it almost subliminal because it snuck up on me I hadn't even thought of Dad yet. Well, I guess I will go the the grave site and visit him, he was a korean war vet. Thanks for listening!! Kerry

historyteach

(((Kerry)))
I'm glad you are working a program. You've so many issues on your plate.
And no, it isn't wrong to want more from your marriage. You deserve all the happiness you can find. Just remember, wanting and expecting are two different things. Expectations lead to resentments.

Have you gone to alanon meetings yet? How about reading some of the CAL? I do know that these behaviors help me, especially when I'm in a slump.

I hope Burt can find his way; and that you can let go of the control panel. See, I know from my own experience, that it's an illusion. And it will suck me in everytime if I let it. But, I've learned the only thing I can control is me. And ya know what? I've got more than enough to do with just that!

Shalom!

reader

HTeach, I have been doing really well on letting go of the control, I've really amazed myself. Never thought with my personality I would do so well. I have only got to 2 meetings, they are a 2 1/2 hr. trip away. I have been reading alanon material though and lots of books. I just struggle with my hopes for my family verses what kinda behavior I find acceptable. I just want my kids to not fall in the same traps i have. This alcoholic legacy needs to stop with me. I come from a long line of mickeys (Irish) that drink is a reward for a hard days work. I try to focus on the kids and myself, that seems to bring us alot of happiness!! Thanks for responding. Kerry

ICU

I don't think it's wrong to want more, to want better for ourselves. We all have hopes, dreams, desires, goals. But it's also true that we certainly don't always get what we want, and not everything is within our control. In those cases, we have to choose how we are going to deal with it.

Of course we shouldn't accept the unacceptable. I'm sure your Mother means well, but it's your life, not hers.

I don't know if you're hypersensitive about it or not. But I certainly understand it being a sore spot for you considering what happened with your Dad. But it also sounds like your husband is doing typical 'A' talk...."I'm not that bad", "they are others that are/were worse than me", etc.

It's up to you to decide if this is something that you can live with or not. I know for a fact that if I were to fall in love with somenoe again and later learned they are in trouble with any kind of substance abuse, I would have to walk. I know that I am no longer the type of person that will settle for that kind of life style. I would much rather be alone than to compromise myself on that. But, that's just me.

All I can say is to listen to your gut. If something doesn't feel right to you, than mostly likely it isn't right for you. You certainly don't have to make any rash decisions about it. Sometimes just opening ourselves up to being aware of how we truly feel is the greatest challenge of all. We can take as much or as little time as we need to make any decision(s) that we may be facing.

I'll be thinking of you on Monday (((Reader))). Be gentle with yourself and know that the anniversary of your Dad's death will probably always bring up some painful memories for you. Don't fight your feelings, just acknowledge them and know there's nothing wrong with having them. It's normal.

I hope this post makes sense. Coffee hasn't kicked in yet.

reader

It makes perfect sense ICU, thank you so much for validating my feelings, I sometimes feel too picky. I will go to honor my Dad tommorrow with pride, the alcoholic, was only a part of him, not who is was. Thanks again, Kerry PS. Enjoy the coffee, I am such a junkie

cwohio

((kerry))

Zoey

Hug, from me too Kerry! Have a good day tomarrow.

FormerDoormat

No and NO! And seeing that your mother tolerated life with an alcoholic husband, don't you think it's wrong of her to preach tolerance of unacceptable behavior to you? It doesn't matter what she thinks. It only matters what you think.

reader

Strangely enough she left my father when I was very young, she wouldn't but up with his drinking. I guess now she thinks I should, in her mind she thinks that compared to my Dad he is an angel so I am the one making too much of it. The idea that has me confused now is that since he had started AA a year ago and then relapsed he drinks like any non alcoholic. He may have a beer or 2 maybe 3-4 x a week, no binges. He has done this for over a year with the exceptions of his sober periods. I quess when family sees this control they think it is my issue and it maybe. My question, Do i make a mountain out of a molehill?? Kerry

minnie

Kerry, may I ask a question?

What is about this situation that is unacceptable to you? I am always curious to know in situations like yours where everything seems to be pretty good, apart from the drinking. Because in my, and many others', experience, it dawned on me that it wasn't the drinking that was the issue, it was the behaviours that may or may not have been connected with it. Kind of like a tree where the drinking was just one of the branches, with the others being the lies, manipulation, objectification, irresponsibility, lack of respect etc etc.

I found that I caused myself more distress by trying to live my life other than in accordance with my values and my boundaries. I choose what is acceptable and unacceptable in my life and I can only be settled in myself when I follow through on those values.

Does this make sense?

reader

Well, When he went to AA and accepted he was an "alcoholic", he really felt he had a problem. My main concern is he has a heart problem and has had many surgeries. He is taking 9 medications, 3 of which say no alcohol. One is very serious which controls how the heart beats and alcohol effects this. I love my husband and I want him around longer, I should have seen the concern of others when I married such an older man but I feel head over heels. My kids need their Dad. It is hard to let go and accept when I see it effecting his health but I have been working on it very hard. Your right aside from this worry my life is real good. Thanks Minnie for point out my role in this! Kerry