I knew it... It wasn't going to last.
Truth Seeker
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 39
I knew it... It wasn't going to last.
Hi everyone. I haven't been on for a really long time. Sorry for that. It's been a rough few months personally. I just didn't want to write a sad post after sad post.. but i finallyi just have to just get this out of me.. thanks for reading before hand....
Along the way to my recovery from my dad's alcoholism, I hit a wall.. a really big wall. I will spare the details. I just want to say that because of how i lived nearly all of my life has prone me to be a very weak person i think. This hit me a few weeks back and really make me really depressed. All of my anxitey about everything and how it all comes back to alcohol. I hate it, how it has affected me when i have never danked an single ounce. I makes me sick to know How i have insecurities, and my easy ability to just not trust anyone.... I notice that i was going backwards more than forward.... i don't know. All i know is that i am lost all over again... i feel as if this whole time i never was recovering.... and it was just a dream, not a working reality..
my dad... he stated drinking. Barely lasted more than 5 months offically. today he came home really drunk. He is drunk right now, can hardly walk or speak. I hadn't seen this monster since january.... and now he's back. So quickly so easily. exactly how he use to be. he is blaming me fo him falling back into drinking. he is probably right....I knew this was going to happen because of me. He blames me for going to therapy, and he blames me for Social services having to talk to him because of the abuse I was inflicted with when i was small. He blames me for having the "finger placed on him" he blames me that he will get thrown into jail because i opened my big mouth. OH.. he can't believe that his own daughter would do this to him... it must be whatever she is "learning" because she does't want to be a lawyer and this is how she repays him. I can't believe that i have to still hear this bull****. I stop going to therapy because I couldn't take it anymore. God it was as if i sent a lighting blot into this house. The whole point of me going to therapy was to help myself, not to make myself worse. I wanted to go to therapy for me, not for him, and not for him to know... it's none of his business. He can't believe or get it that it's because of him. He is in total denial... typical.
I dont know... i don't know what to think or to say.... For me it didn't matter if he was sober or not.. it doesn't change the person that he is. He was never going to get better, i already knew it. I am not surprised by any of this. I went on with my life, with him sober or not. Good riddins with him is how i lived..I wnet on with my own thing.. trying to break my way free... and this happens.. it's ruined. I really feel any change i had in getting out is over... I cry myself to sleep knowing that this is never going to end... This has finally infected the rest of my life. I am trapped, I'm really trapped. Nothing makes me happy, school is going terrible... , home isn't home, I am just depressed. i am tired of this nightmare... no matter how hard i try to end it no matter how hard i try to get out, it blows up in my face. everything. Is this really ment for me to live like this?
What the hell did i do?? what the hell am i doing wrong???
May 12, 2006... the monster is back.
Along the way to my recovery from my dad's alcoholism, I hit a wall.. a really big wall. I will spare the details. I just want to say that because of how i lived nearly all of my life has prone me to be a very weak person i think. This hit me a few weeks back and really make me really depressed. All of my anxitey about everything and how it all comes back to alcohol. I hate it, how it has affected me when i have never danked an single ounce. I makes me sick to know How i have insecurities, and my easy ability to just not trust anyone.... I notice that i was going backwards more than forward.... i don't know. All i know is that i am lost all over again... i feel as if this whole time i never was recovering.... and it was just a dream, not a working reality..
my dad... he stated drinking. Barely lasted more than 5 months offically. today he came home really drunk. He is drunk right now, can hardly walk or speak. I hadn't seen this monster since january.... and now he's back. So quickly so easily. exactly how he use to be. he is blaming me fo him falling back into drinking. he is probably right....I knew this was going to happen because of me. He blames me for going to therapy, and he blames me for Social services having to talk to him because of the abuse I was inflicted with when i was small. He blames me for having the "finger placed on him" he blames me that he will get thrown into jail because i opened my big mouth. OH.. he can't believe that his own daughter would do this to him... it must be whatever she is "learning" because she does't want to be a lawyer and this is how she repays him. I can't believe that i have to still hear this bull****. I stop going to therapy because I couldn't take it anymore. God it was as if i sent a lighting blot into this house. The whole point of me going to therapy was to help myself, not to make myself worse. I wanted to go to therapy for me, not for him, and not for him to know... it's none of his business. He can't believe or get it that it's because of him. He is in total denial... typical.
I dont know... i don't know what to think or to say.... For me it didn't matter if he was sober or not.. it doesn't change the person that he is. He was never going to get better, i already knew it. I am not surprised by any of this. I went on with my life, with him sober or not. Good riddins with him is how i lived..I wnet on with my own thing.. trying to break my way free... and this happens.. it's ruined. I really feel any change i had in getting out is over... I cry myself to sleep knowing that this is never going to end... This has finally infected the rest of my life. I am trapped, I'm really trapped. Nothing makes me happy, school is going terrible... , home isn't home, I am just depressed. i am tired of this nightmare... no matter how hard i try to end it no matter how hard i try to get out, it blows up in my face. everything. Is this really ment for me to live like this?
What the hell did i do?? what the hell am i doing wrong???
May 12, 2006... the monster is back.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by preciouz
What the hell did i do?? what the hell am i doing wrong???
It can't be me so it must be you.... That is the thought of almost every one who is an alcoholic or addict. Denial has us blame anyone and every one but ourself. You happen to be the one who was around when the blame was being passed out. You didn't do anything wrong. You can't force another to drink and you can't force another to stop...no matter how many times another says you did it. You just can't.
As I read your post, I am seeing recovery all over the place. Understanding and knowing what is going on, acceptance of the situation is a starting place for finding answers.
You are in a drama at the moment but your recovery is working.
His drinking is his choice. His drinking is his doing. His problems are a result of his actions...You did nothing to cause it even if you were the most terrible person on earth you can't force another to drink. It is not your fault.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: chapel hill, nc
Posts: 70
Preciouz -
At first when I read your post, everything in me wanted to get so angry. How dare he try to blame ANYTHING on you. This is so typical of a addict of any kind. They mess up and then blame you for it.
But having been in Alanon for 5 short little months, therapy for most of my life, and a Buddhist for 15 years, I won't give in to the anger. Instead I will say this.
My father was an alcoholic all his life. Died 12 years ago as an alcoholic. How very very sad for him. Yes, for HIM. I had nothing to do with it, in the same way YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Life is about choices. Everyone decides what they want to do, or not to do. How to react and how to not react. Alcoholism is an addiction and a disease. Yes, you heard me correctly, a DISEASE. No different than diabetes, cancer, parkinsons, you name it, it is a disease. And what's more, it is a disease of families. This comes straight from Alanon. Once someone has the disease of an addiction, EVERYONE around him/her gets affected. Everyone!!!!!
If you don't belive that, ask yorself how YOUR doing?
Therapy is wonderful. I recommend it whole-heartedly. I have been going on-off for many years. But it does not address the one thing it can't. Alcoholism. Simply because YOU are not the alcoholic. You dad should be there in therapy quite frankly. What you need is Alanon. Period!
Find yourself a local meeting or two, and get yourself there ASAP. That will be your saving grace, this I can promise you.
I went to many a shrink for years asking what I did wrong. The real answer is I did NOTHING wrong. I only experienced what I was shown and taught, and now I have to live with those effects, and deal with them as best as I can. Therapy now is a godsend. But Alanon is the gift I have been waiting for all my life.
And here is the great thing. You don't have to stay if you don't like it. They will tell you in your first meeting, try several meetings. Give yourself a chance by trying at least six meetings before you decide if it is right for you. Try different meetings because each one has it's own flavor of people, style, etc.. They will also tell you "take what you like and leave the rest". You are not asked to believe in anything. It is ALL about your own experience. See if it works for you, that's all.
When I first started 5 months ago, I was a wreck. I had hit the last end of a tangled rope. My mom and best friend died, and my close friend left me.
I went to my first meeting hardly able to speak, almost in tears, and confused, scared and lonely. In my first meeting I met people just like me. Same problems, same circumstances, you name it. And I also noticed people ther who actually seemed at peace. THIS is what I wanted for myself. Have all my life too. Peace!
Try six meetings and if you don't like it, leave. I can promise you from my experience and that of so many others I have met in person and on this board, it will change your life.
Remember, insanity is doing the same things over and over, and expecting different results. You've got nothing to lose except the pain. Your dad will keep doing what he's been doing, and he'll get exactly what he puts out. So YOU be the difference. Take care of yourself, keep the focus on yourself, do whatever it takes to help yourself. GO to Alanon!
Then keep comin' back!
Ken
At first when I read your post, everything in me wanted to get so angry. How dare he try to blame ANYTHING on you. This is so typical of a addict of any kind. They mess up and then blame you for it.
But having been in Alanon for 5 short little months, therapy for most of my life, and a Buddhist for 15 years, I won't give in to the anger. Instead I will say this.
My father was an alcoholic all his life. Died 12 years ago as an alcoholic. How very very sad for him. Yes, for HIM. I had nothing to do with it, in the same way YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Life is about choices. Everyone decides what they want to do, or not to do. How to react and how to not react. Alcoholism is an addiction and a disease. Yes, you heard me correctly, a DISEASE. No different than diabetes, cancer, parkinsons, you name it, it is a disease. And what's more, it is a disease of families. This comes straight from Alanon. Once someone has the disease of an addiction, EVERYONE around him/her gets affected. Everyone!!!!!
If you don't belive that, ask yorself how YOUR doing?
Therapy is wonderful. I recommend it whole-heartedly. I have been going on-off for many years. But it does not address the one thing it can't. Alcoholism. Simply because YOU are not the alcoholic. You dad should be there in therapy quite frankly. What you need is Alanon. Period!
Find yourself a local meeting or two, and get yourself there ASAP. That will be your saving grace, this I can promise you.
I went to many a shrink for years asking what I did wrong. The real answer is I did NOTHING wrong. I only experienced what I was shown and taught, and now I have to live with those effects, and deal with them as best as I can. Therapy now is a godsend. But Alanon is the gift I have been waiting for all my life.
And here is the great thing. You don't have to stay if you don't like it. They will tell you in your first meeting, try several meetings. Give yourself a chance by trying at least six meetings before you decide if it is right for you. Try different meetings because each one has it's own flavor of people, style, etc.. They will also tell you "take what you like and leave the rest". You are not asked to believe in anything. It is ALL about your own experience. See if it works for you, that's all.
When I first started 5 months ago, I was a wreck. I had hit the last end of a tangled rope. My mom and best friend died, and my close friend left me.
I went to my first meeting hardly able to speak, almost in tears, and confused, scared and lonely. In my first meeting I met people just like me. Same problems, same circumstances, you name it. And I also noticed people ther who actually seemed at peace. THIS is what I wanted for myself. Have all my life too. Peace!
Try six meetings and if you don't like it, leave. I can promise you from my experience and that of so many others I have met in person and on this board, it will change your life.
Remember, insanity is doing the same things over and over, and expecting different results. You've got nothing to lose except the pain. Your dad will keep doing what he's been doing, and he'll get exactly what he puts out. So YOU be the difference. Take care of yourself, keep the focus on yourself, do whatever it takes to help yourself. GO to Alanon!
Then keep comin' back!
Ken
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Please do not listen to the lies. None of this is your fault. I know we grow up thinking that our parents are supposed to protect us and teach us good things but your father is sick and incapable of living up to some of his parental responsibilities.
You will have to learn an important survival technique called "detachment".
You do this by constantly reenforcing your belief that: YOUR FATHER'S DRINKING IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT.YOU CANNOT FIX IT.
Continue to get on with your life and furthering your education. One day you will be able to move out and be able to choose who you share your space with.
Find a support group near you. Alanon or AcOa. Continue posting here.
Your father does what he( thinks he) needs to do to cope with life(drinking) and you do what you think you need to do (therapy/meetings)
Your father's drinking has consequences and part of his consequences is that he is being forced to face some painful issues and he is not happy with it. That is not your fault.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are.
You will have to learn an important survival technique called "detachment".
You do this by constantly reenforcing your belief that: YOUR FATHER'S DRINKING IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT.YOU CANNOT FIX IT.
Continue to get on with your life and furthering your education. One day you will be able to move out and be able to choose who you share your space with.
Find a support group near you. Alanon or AcOa. Continue posting here.
Your father does what he( thinks he) needs to do to cope with life(drinking) and you do what you think you need to do (therapy/meetings)
Your father's drinking has consequences and part of his consequences is that he is being forced to face some painful issues and he is not happy with it. That is not your fault.
Keep in touch and let us know how you are.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
