I Don't Know What to Do Anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Newmarket, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8
I Don't Know What to Do Anymore
Hi there,
I find myself, very knowingly, in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict. I say knowingly because our mothers are neighbours and I had heard all about this man for 6 or 7 years prior to meeting him. We met at a very vulnerable time in both our lives. I was very open to him about how his 'raging' alcoholism does and would affect me right from the beginning and have never, ever been in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict in my life but did come from that background(mother).
However, almost 2 years later, 'sober' for almost a year, my partner is 'dry' but a long way from 'sober'. On top of that he is addicted to pain meds with codeine and caffeine which he sneaks/lies about on a regular basis even knowing how much the lying upsets me. I have never enabled him and will not allow these incidents to be pushed under the rug or ignored.
At this point, I am now ready to turf him cause I cannot live like this any longer. He informed me last weekend that the only reason he quit drinking was in fact NOT because he becomes a belligerent, raving, verbally and emotionally abusive ******* when he drinks, but because I threatened to kick him out. He claims he still wants to drink, everyday, and on top of that even after all this time, he STILL tries to 'promote' his right to do so.
I don't know what to do anymore. I love him very much. But my respect for him is now pretty much gone. He lies about his pill use even when he has them in his hands. I cannot trust a word that comes out of his mouth any longer.
I'm not even sure if he will go to counseling. He has been in treatment a few times apparently. His drinking has caused him so, so much trouble in his life including more then one time in jail for assault(not me). But he is only like that when drinking!!!
Can you please tell me firstly if this is just a big waste of my time? Will he ever get better?
I now feel like our relationship, our family(my son) is in crisis because I don't want to do this anymore and I don't want to get to where I hate the sight of him.
I hope you can offer some help.
I find myself, very knowingly, in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict. I say knowingly because our mothers are neighbours and I had heard all about this man for 6 or 7 years prior to meeting him. We met at a very vulnerable time in both our lives. I was very open to him about how his 'raging' alcoholism does and would affect me right from the beginning and have never, ever been in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict in my life but did come from that background(mother).
However, almost 2 years later, 'sober' for almost a year, my partner is 'dry' but a long way from 'sober'. On top of that he is addicted to pain meds with codeine and caffeine which he sneaks/lies about on a regular basis even knowing how much the lying upsets me. I have never enabled him and will not allow these incidents to be pushed under the rug or ignored.
At this point, I am now ready to turf him cause I cannot live like this any longer. He informed me last weekend that the only reason he quit drinking was in fact NOT because he becomes a belligerent, raving, verbally and emotionally abusive ******* when he drinks, but because I threatened to kick him out. He claims he still wants to drink, everyday, and on top of that even after all this time, he STILL tries to 'promote' his right to do so.
I don't know what to do anymore. I love him very much. But my respect for him is now pretty much gone. He lies about his pill use even when he has them in his hands. I cannot trust a word that comes out of his mouth any longer.
I'm not even sure if he will go to counseling. He has been in treatment a few times apparently. His drinking has caused him so, so much trouble in his life including more then one time in jail for assault(not me). But he is only like that when drinking!!!
Can you please tell me firstly if this is just a big waste of my time? Will he ever get better?
I now feel like our relationship, our family(my son) is in crisis because I don't want to do this anymore and I don't want to get to where I hate the sight of him.
I hope you can offer some help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: N. Ontario
Posts: 9
Hi
I'm new to this forum, but you're story and addy caught my eye
It is so hard trying to wade through the bad and the good with AH and especially with kids involved. The thing so far I have come up with is no matter how much you love them, it's not enough to stop them from drinking. No matter how much they love YOU, it's not enough to stop the drinking. AND it's a constant ... not sure of the word, battle?? that is in every day, every activity, every part of your life. For me the question was/is do I want to keep dealing day in and day out the alcohol abuse? Sure he'll be on the wagon, a day, a month, a year? then the set-backs. I guess for me, I'm heading in the direction that I don't want to be the third wheel in a marriage. I don't want to alter my plans for the day because he is out drunk or hung-over. I want my partner there, with me.
I'm new to this forum, but you're story and addy caught my eye
It is so hard trying to wade through the bad and the good with AH and especially with kids involved. The thing so far I have come up with is no matter how much you love them, it's not enough to stop them from drinking. No matter how much they love YOU, it's not enough to stop the drinking. AND it's a constant ... not sure of the word, battle?? that is in every day, every activity, every part of your life. For me the question was/is do I want to keep dealing day in and day out the alcohol abuse? Sure he'll be on the wagon, a day, a month, a year? then the set-backs. I guess for me, I'm heading in the direction that I don't want to be the third wheel in a marriage. I don't want to alter my plans for the day because he is out drunk or hung-over. I want my partner there, with me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Newmarket, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8
Yup...that pretty much sums up how I am beginning to feel....I am TOTALLY starting to resend that our ENTIRE relationship, in one way or another, is effected by his drinking/wanting to drink/trying not to drink/taking pills/hiding pills/high on pills/lying about pills/angry about not drinking/angry about being caught with pills or lying about pills.....man it is CONSTANT
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
(((westerncowgirl)))
The best thing you can do is take care of you and keep the focus on what you want and are doing and detach from what he is doing with love. If you feel you do not want to live with him and have the strength to get him out it could be a very good choice for you and him. It could raaise his bottom and lead him to think about getting sober and then again he could get worse but, maybe your life would be more peaceful.
It has been my experience that the more I focus on my H's addiction the worse it gets. The more I think about what I need to do and do it the happier and more stable I get..
It is really tempting to try and persuade them to quit but, unless it is his idea chances are yuour persuadion will go in one ear and out the other...
The best thing you can do is take care of you and keep the focus on what you want and are doing and detach from what he is doing with love. If you feel you do not want to live with him and have the strength to get him out it could be a very good choice for you and him. It could raaise his bottom and lead him to think about getting sober and then again he could get worse but, maybe your life would be more peaceful.
It has been my experience that the more I focus on my H's addiction the worse it gets. The more I think about what I need to do and do it the happier and more stable I get..
It is really tempting to try and persuade them to quit but, unless it is his idea chances are yuour persuadion will go in one ear and out the other...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Newmarket, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8
So what is the answer then?? He becomes extremely billegerent, angry, verbally and emotionally abusive when he drinks and that I would not live with at all. I tried, several ways to compromise with his drinking....drink wine or beer(him) instead of hard liquor....lite beer, drink with him although I am not much of a drinker at all...talking, and talking and crying and fighting and talking and crying more and more....when he got to a point almost a year into our relationship when he crawled up onto the hood of my car to stop me from leaving after he threatened me the 'persuasion' was the final straw!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome western
are you doing anything for you and your son. you mention you don't know if your partner would go to counseling, but what about you, for you? have you tried al-anon or any other support group?
good luck to you. btw i've been through newmarket and it's lovely
are you doing anything for you and your son. you mention you don't know if your partner would go to counseling, but what about you, for you? have you tried al-anon or any other support group?
good luck to you. btw i've been through newmarket and it's lovely
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
He claims he still wants to drink, everyday, and on top of that even after all this time, he STILL tries to 'promote' his right to do so.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Newmarket, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8
Of course he has the right to and I'm well aware that I don't have to be a part of it...but what he dosen't have the right to is to be abusive to me or anyone for that matter....and he too has the ability to leave if that is the life he wants to live!!! I'm trying to find a way to have a life with this man that I love and what is he doing to ensure we are sucessful at doing that??? Where is his responsibility to this relationship, to our future?? The only 'responsibility' I see him taking is to drink/pop pills/lie and to his own self and his own needs!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Newmarket, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8
Denny years ago I went to the odd adult children of alcoholics meetings but until this relationship have never allowed this in my life....thanks for the inquiry though and York Region is a great place although lots and lots of new subdivisions over the last 10 years of so
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Originally Posted by westerncowgirl
I'm trying to find a way to have a life with this man that I love and what is he doing to ensure we are sucessful at doing that??? Where is his responsibility to this relationship, to our future?? The only 'responsibility' I see him taking is to drink/pop pills/lie and to his own self and his own needs!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Newmarket, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8
No he is not drinking....still taking the pills now and again but not drinking...but angry as h**l that he is not...wants to very much, resentment at me for sure which I had told him would happen if it was me who demanded he quit and as I said he is a dry drunk but certainly not a sober one and his is miserable about it and making the household miserable as well....looks to me like a lose/lose relationship where NO ONE is getting what they want....me not getting anything even close to a nuturing, loving, trustful, safe relationship and him not getting his addictions when, where, how often and how many as he would like
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Newmarket, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 8
No. I believe he wants to but I believe he wants to drink more then he wants to do the work to be other then what he has been for 26 of his 37 years. He has tried very much to maintain not drinking but where and what does he do to move beyond that? To heal, to become 'sober' rather then 'dry'?
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I know that it is really hard to believe but taking care of yourself really is the answer. It is rather like beating a dead horse to keep trying to get what you want from him. Don't make him your little god you are expecting him to do something that he can't give at the moment.
Do something good for yourself something that makes you feel good something you would do even if he weren't in the picture. In reality only his addiction is present with you not him. He did not quit drinking his addiction did. Learn to separate him from his addiction and stop feeding his addiction and for gosh sakes stop expecting that you will get anywhere with him as long as his addiction is in the drivers seat. Like I said the more you focus on his addiction the bigger it will get...
Do something good for yourself something that makes you feel good something you would do even if he weren't in the picture. In reality only his addiction is present with you not him. He did not quit drinking his addiction did. Learn to separate him from his addiction and stop feeding his addiction and for gosh sakes stop expecting that you will get anywhere with him as long as his addiction is in the drivers seat. Like I said the more you focus on his addiction the bigger it will get...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by westerncowgirl
....being alone is looking sweeter and sweeter as time goes by
I'm trying to find a way to have a life with this man that I love....
Where is his responsibility to this relationship, to our future?? The only 'responsibility' I see him taking is to drink/pop pills/lie and to his own self and his own needs!!!
I find myself, very knowingly, in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict. I say knowingly because our mothers are neighbours and I had heard all about this man for 6 or 7 years prior to meeting him.
I used to think if I did 'this' or 'that' that I could help my ex 'see the light' and 'change his ways'. I was soooo wrong. I took alot of abuse before I realized I was focusing so much on him and at my own expense! I lost what little I had of my own self worth and esteem. My entire focus now is rebuilding a better me.
Is this how you want to live your life? It doesn't sound that way. Maybe you could try shifting a little of your focus from him to yourself. A good place to start is by asking yourself the question 'why am I accepting the unacceptable'? Once you search for that answer, it automatically shifts your thoughts from 'him', someone you have no power over, to 'yourself', the only person you have power over. It's a step, but in the right direction.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
Originally Posted by westerncowgirl
So what is the answer then?? He becomes extremely billegerent, angry, verbally and emotionally abusive when he drinks and that I would not live with at all. I tried, several ways to compromise with his drinking....drink wine or beer(him) instead of hard liquor....lite beer, drink with him although I am not much of a drinker at all...talking, and talking and crying and fighting and talking and crying more and more....when he got to a point almost a year into our relationship when he crawled up onto the hood of my car to stop me from leaving after he threatened me the 'persuasion' was the final straw!!!
Your living my life honey.... even the hood of the car has my AH "butt" print on it. Not a good thing to think you should join him in his drinking. that doesnt work. Tried it and failed. Then you feel miserable in worse ways.
Go to Al-anon and talk often to your God of your understanding. Learn and recite the serentiy prayer often. That is what helps me. Karen
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by westerncowgirl
However, almost 2 years later, 'sober' for almost a year, my partner is 'dry' but a long way from 'sober'. On top of that he is addicted to pain meds with codeine and caffeine which he sneaks/lies about on a regular basis even knowing how much the lying upsets me.
I have to sign -off now but before i did, I wanted to say "hello" and mention that, in case you didn't realize, from what I am told, your SO is not even "dry". He sounds like he has substituted the pills for the booze...body barely knows that difference, if at all. I understand some treatment centers (ie Hazelden) treat booze/pills as ONE addiction that they refer to as "sedativism".
Good luck....I'll be on later.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
