sweetgrace

I am married to an alcoholic and have a one year old, beautiful baby boy. Things are so bad in our home that I can barely function anymore on a day-to-day basis. I worry constantly about my son...I do not want to raise him with an alcoholic in the home, yet I stay with my AH because I fear for his (my son's) safety. My AH loves our son and is very sweet with him, but he is in no way capable of caring for him without someone else present. I am scared...no, terrified, of leaving for fear of him obtaining any unsupervised visitation or custody. He has already fudged his way through a 12 week treatment program, even though he was drinking the entire way through. That was enough to tell me that whatever a court orders him to do to prove he is worthy of unsupervised visitation/custody, he could pass. What am I supposed to do? Has anyone else been faced with this decision? Please help!

Zoey

sweetgrace, Welcome to SR, this is the greatest site ever. Now having said that, I will have to say this is a quiet time of night, so replys may be slow.

I hope you have read lots of posts on here so you know we care and understand.

My only suggestion for right now is to call a crisis line and they will visit with you and make suggestions, also if you are afraid of him and ever need to leave they probably have places for you to stay and be safe.

Are you a working Mom?? You say he is good with your son, is he abusive to you, or just makes you nervous??. Tell us a bit more and maybe someone will share how they handled it.
(I did not have childern, but would not want them raised in an alcoholic home.)
Keep coming back. Sorry I couldn't help more right now. HUGS

LaTeeDa

Welcome to SR. This place has been a great help to me in dealing with the struggles of being married to an alcoholic.

I have no legal advice for you, since I am not an attorney. It does seem though, if things are that bad, that you could record/document what goes on in a way that would not be so easy for him to disprove in court. There are conditions that the court can order that would not be so easy to "skate through," such as urine/blood tests. I think your best option would be to consult with an attorney who knows what the possible outcomes are. You should not have to remain trapped in an unbearable situation because of concern for your child. It seems to me that an ugly divorce would do far less damage to a baby than a lifetime of living in an unhealthy family. Getting educated on what your choices are seems like a manageable step to take at this point. You don't have to make an uninformed decision. Please keep coming back here as I am sure there are others who have gone through the same thing and probably have more wisdom to offer you than I do.

I am truly sorry for your pain.

L

denny57

Welcome sweetgrace

I don't have specific advice regarding children, but I agree you should start documenting everything for any future custody/visitation negotiations. I would only suggest that right now you focus on taking care of yourself and your child; you do not need to decide to leave or stay right now. By taking steps to start ensuring your future safety, you will know what to do.

Good luck.

ICU

You would be amazed at just how much they can fool and manipulate the courts. And, you'd be amazed at just how much the courts 'look the other way' and accept explanations for unacceptable behavior.

In addition to consulting with your attorney, I like the idea of keeping a log, with date and time references. Record every incident, especially noting when he is under the influence around your child, if he drives drunk, etc. Keep the log in a place where he can't possibly find it!!!

In the meantime, you might want to find some Al-Anon meetings in your area. Maybe look for some daytime meetings and get someone to look after your child so you don't have to leave him with your AH. They say you should attend at least 6 meetings to see if it is for you or not. I would say, find a way to attend at least 1!!! Go early to the meeting and talk with the person setting up the meeting. Explain your concerns, especially about your sons safety. Get a telephone listing of other meeting attendees so that in the event you find it impossible to attend a face to face meeting, you would at least have a list of people to contact for the support that you obviously need.

Good luck, oh, and, welcome to SR Sweetgrace. Keep coming back!

mallowcup

Log all your reasons and concerns. Make an appointment in family court and present them to a Judge. When the court becomes responsible for the well being of your child they lean on the side of caution.

Brammy

I agree with this quote. I know that it may sound harsh but being willing to agree to supervised visitation may be just the lynch pin to convince the court that you are not acting out of revenge or pettiness, just concern for your child. I feel very blessed that children didn't become a factor in my relationship though we had spoken of it. I'm glad I realized before making that commitment that he would be incapable of being a father with his addiction.

I pray for your strength
Brammy

penmeister

Sweet I sent you a message,,,I hope to hear from you

sweetgrace

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have long believed I should be keeping some kind of a log, but here is the situation. My husband drinks in his car on his way home from work. It is only by the grace of God that he has not killed someone else or himself. Because he drinks alone, it has been impossible for me to gather proof of his alcoholism. Before he enrolled in the 12 week program I referenced, I had no proof at all. The fact that he did enroll in this class, I believe, could be brought to light in custody matters and serve as some evidence of his problem. I am currently trying to gather enough money to consult with an attorney to discuss these things. ICU, I actually am amazed at how they can fool the courts and that is why I stay. Were it not for my son and my fears for his safety, I would be long, long, HAPPILY gone. My husband is not physically abusive, but is verbally abusive to me. At times, I would swear he is the Devil's spawn. Regardless, I would not try and keep him from his son, but there is NO way I could allow him to have any kind of unsupervised custody. I just went through a huge bedtime battle with my son and there lies my AH on the couch, snoring away, reeking of alcohol, oblivious to the whole thing. If he were to have any unsupervised custody of our son overnight, God forbid he should wake up with a fever, crying. My AH would never hear him. How do all of you make it through each day without just dying of heartach, worry, and depression? As I mentioned, I can barely function anymore and I am terrified I'm going to get fired from my job. Any coping skills or stategies anyone could suggest would be most welcome. Thanks again. I'm glad I found a place where people understand...

GettingFree

It is so very easy to get overwhelmed by worry about events in the future that may or may not happen. It seems this what is happening with you sweetgrace. Meanwhile the present and known reality unfolding every day is intolerable.

Try and separate the present from the future. Look at what steps you need to take today. Break it down into baby steps. Make a call to a crisis center where you can talk to someone one on one. Make a call to a lawyer and make an appointment. Begin logging everything, including what you just wrote tonight about your husband passed out on the sofa. You're not just trying to catch him with a bottle in his hand -- you're trying to record every last outcome of his drinking and his behavior in the home and with your son.

You're creating a double bind for yourself in your mind: I'm miserable if I stay/something bad will happen if I go. You have to try and let go of the second part. Look at your son today, and ask yourself what's best for him right now. And it sounds like the answer is to be out of this marriage. And don't let worry about a future you can't predict stop you from doing what's in his best interests NOW. There are lots of ways as you go forward to deal with preventing unsupervised visits and these will become apparent as you go forward.

As for functioning -- First breathe. You might try some simple meditation/relaxation practices. There are lots of great CDs out there to help. Also, write it all down. Get your feelings out. Talk to friends. Take mini-breaks when you can. Baths, walks. Listen to music.

And keep coming back here,

best
gf

LaTeeDa

Everthing GettingFree said is right on the mark. You don't need to prove that he is a drunk. Write the the behaviors that put you or your son at risk. Lots of people drink and still fulfill life's responsibilities. Even if he wasn't drinking, if he were being an irresponsible parent, it would still be a problem, right?

I also agree with the baby steps concept. As they say, just do the next right thing and pretty soon the big picture will take care of itself.

My thoughts are with you. I know it's very difficult.

L

gypsyrose

Sorry your in such a uncomfortable position. I wish I knew of a solution for you. I know that sometimes it's really hard to not be completely overwhelmed by emotions when dealing with an abusive drunk. Regardless of whether you decide to stay or go... try to focus on the things you have to be grateful for. There are a lot of hours in the day to be enjoying your baby and all that is good in life. Keep posting and reading, there's a lot of collective experience to be learned from here.

doubletime

Hello, sweetgrace this is a wonderful place to vent and advise. From recent experience you can check with Legal Aid to see if they can assist you or a lot of times your first visit with a lawyer is free (which I just recently done). Check into your options and first and foremost keep yourself and your baby safe. The old saying is they do a lot of "quacking", do not be afraid, sometimes leaving is the best for you and your child. I know it was for mine but everyone must make their own choices.

Keep reading and posting, you will learn a lot of helpful things here.


Take care,

Doubletime

denny57

Maybe if you called around and found an attorney who would give you the free first hour consultation - and many do - you would feel a little better. Every positive step I took on my own behalf (and in your case, your son's) only made more things seem possible. I took things on one at a time and pretty soon had my ducks in a row. The first baby step you have taken is realizing this situation cannot go on as it has. It all takes courage, so be kind to yourself as you go through this process.

sweetgrace

I now have an appointment with an attorney set up. While I have not kept any sort of log before now, as I poured over our checkcard and credit card statements today, I realized that they tell a very compelling story of my AH alcohol purchase behavior...much better proof than me just saying that he's an alcoholic or producing a log that could be made up (in the court's eyes). Just curious as to whether anyone here has ever pulled and used these types of credit card receipts as evidence of their spouse's alcohol abuse, for use in a custody battle. Also, I'm sure this has been discussed here before, but I haven't found the thread... how does everyone feel about anonymously tipping of the cops that they "would swear the guy in the car they just passed on XYZ road, with plate number XYZ, is drinking in his car"? I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have considered this. Is that terrible? I just want something to smack my AH husband upside the head and wake him up. Right now, he operates in a world with no consequences that he deems important. Why should that wake up call have to be him killing himself or someone else? Thoughts?

GettingFree

Hi sweetgrace,

It's great that you've set up the appointment with the lawyer. You should be able to get a lot of information, and feel some relief and empowerment in taking steps to protect yourself. I'm sure the lawyer will be able to tell you what help the credit card statements might be to you as you go forward.

The lawyer probably would be a good one to ask about taking any 'informing' action as he might know how the police would respond to such a call.

As to whether thinking this is terrible or not, I don't think so at all. I think it's a natural place to go when we feel desperate and helpless to do anything when those around us continue with their destructive behavior. Our minds will go to any and all solutions to send the right message. The important thing here is to know what your motivation is.

If you're thinking of doing it as support for your eventual legal issues, that's one thing.

If you're thinking of doing it as a way to get your husband to change -- that might be a set-up for more dissapointment, anger and frustration. You'll find lots of stories from partners here whose spouses have not just one, but several DUI offenses, and continue to drink. In other words, there's no predicting what will represent the bottoming out event in order for an addict to want to change.

The best thing is for you to continue to detach from your husband's problem and take care of you and your son in whatever way you think is best. I know how hard it is to do.

best
gf

Dalloway

Hi Sweet,
I know the feeling, and I think what Getting Free said nailed it, about being caught between misery in the present and worry about the future. It's part of parenting in an alcoholic home because as parents we are fiercely protective of our kids, but it won't get you well and it won't help your kid to worry. I am learning that my worry has probably done more harm than good.

Another thing, my sister is a psych nurse and deals with some of these issues and she said it's not a bad idea to get a witness outside your nuclear family who has seen your spouse being irresponsible about the kids.

Good luck.