robina

Today my daughter (who has been drinking her way through college) told me that she wanted a thousand dollars so she could move from the town where she is living now. (when college ends)

I bailed her out last summer, and paid her bills and the first months rent and security deposit on her current apartment. I have also been paying many of her bills since September. I am a single mother, and her father contributes nothing. I have had to go into debt to help her since her alcoholism began, since she seems to be unable to work.

When I told her that I was already too deeply in debt, she said I could either come up with the thousand dollars, or I could pay five thousand for her funeral. This was after a half hour rant about the total misery and pain of her life (which I am mostly responsible for, of course). This was also after informing me that last week, when drunk, she walked in front of an oncoming car in order to kill herself...

This happened during a two hour holiday drive, so I couldn't even walk away.

After visiting with relatives, she seemed in a better mood, and eventually on the way home, she even apologized, but I am left with anger and resentment at having my heart ripped to pieces. I am left with fear. I am left with the feeling that I don't know this cruel person who knows exactly what to say to destroy me emotionally. I have come a very long way after working my Al-anon program, but my daughter's suicide threats still destroy me.

A small voice says "what if you don't go even further into debt for her, and she actually kills herself? Aren't I being exceptionally cold by refusing to go further into debt for her?" But the other voice says - "you idiot, she is an actively drinking alcoholic. Whether you help her out financially or not, she is determined to destroy herself...."

I'm very sorry for this pity party, but I'm feeling weak and sad and so very alone.

cwohio

oh robin - hugs to you. don't have any words of wisdom - just wanted you to know i am sending prayers your way!

TexasGirl

Robin, I don't have specific advice on what to do when they do that. I think some people on here have mentioned before that you can have someone hospitalized if they are a danger to themselves. But I can sympathize with you...mine was telling me today he was going to kill himself...he just got his 3rd DWI last night. I don't know the right thing to do, but I can say I'm sorry and I understand all too well.

I hate to be wrong on something this serious, but it does sound like a manipulation. She said give me money or I do X. It was an act contingent upon something else.

((Robin))

Kellye C

Robin, big hugs to you!!! Speaking as a daughter, a mother and a recovering alcoholic I have to say I am appalled at every level that people do this to those that they love. I've had people threaten it, I've had people attempt it. It's horrible.

My son threatened it and I had him hospitalized. Perhaps if you let your daughter know that the very next time she says something like this you will take her words at face value and have the legal authorities step in to protect her from herself she will stop with the manipulation (and it sounds like that was exactly what it was). I don't know, I'm not giving advice it's just something that I did and that I acted upon. Turns out my son was legitimately in need of help (untreated bi-polar) which this hospitalization uncovered and began treatment for.

Once again, big hugs to you. I wish I could say something to make the pain I know you feel go away but know that we're here for you and that we care.

Kellye

mallowcup

I find the figure interesting, sounds like a debt to me. It also sounds like she has a deadline in repaying. If I told you that if you gave me $5000 I could promise your daughter would never drink again, you'd find the money. I can't promise you that and you know giving her the money for a move won't help either. Whenever a person threatens to harm themself or another, they can be hospitalized against their will for a psych eval. Your daughter is manipulating you, but you know that. She has put her life and her death on your shoulders. It will be your choice. Addicts are cruel. I understand that ticking her off will probably lead to her breaking contact with you, to punish you. I would talk to a psychatrist for guidance. They deal with addicts and alcoholics who manipulate all the time. The other reason is that you can follow their advice. This will take the burdon off your shoulders. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know you don't know what the right thing to do is. I think you will gain peace in following the advice of a professional.

Done_With_It

Everyone had great stuff to say up there.
I feel for you, what a tough place to be in.

I only have my own experience to add, I get suicidal often (bipolar) and it really
sucks, I HATE HATE HATE the feeling....
But the times I've been the closest to suicide and have tried in some sort, I've
never told anyone, the one time I was probably at one of the worst points, and I was walking on the roof, and afraid I was going to jump, I went to a best friends house, and I just told him I was in trouble, and I didn't know what to do.

He took me to the ER and they admitted me.

But all the times I've been suicidal I've never threatened anyone, and I'm super quite when I'm really close to it.....

((((Robina)))))

FormerDoormat

You are not an idiot. You are one smart woman. You are correct. Whether you help her out financially or not, she is determined to destroy herself. I agree with the others. This is a manipulation. What a terrible burdeon to place on others. But it's a burdeon you don't have to accept.

I agree with the others. The next time she threatens to kill herself, contact the authorities and let them deal with her. If you do not have a counselor, you might want to find one to help you sort things out.

megamysterioso

I'm so sorry for all of your pain ((robina)). I don't have any words of wisdom to share, but I do want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

FriendofBill

Emotional manipulation............the tool of every alkie or otherwise sick person.

Like a wrench, it turns the screws just tight enough to get what they want.

Do you want to be the recipent of emotional extortion?

gypsyrose

Manipulative or not, it sounds like a cry for help to me. Perhaps her alcoholism is due to underlying mental health issues that could be resolved if she were hospitalized. College is when many mental health issues surface. The suicide threat might be a good opportunity to get her the help she needs.

splendra

Yea buddy I would have her butt slapped in the hospital so fast her head would swim if she is trying to manipulate she won't probally use that one again and if she is indeed in danger of hurting herself perhaps a hospital observation will help her out. I hope that you will not send her money. You do not need to feel guilty it is not your fault that she is sick. I really hope you get her in the hospital though...

robina

Thank you all.

Your prayers, support, and words of wisdom are very healing.

mallowcup

The scariest thing is to look back and think that you did the wrong thing. I am in a near constant state of thining, "Am I doing the right thing?" With the guidance of a professional, it takes a huge weight off your shoulders. Your daughter has given you an ultimatum. If you are already strapped, call the local hospital and ask for the behavioral helath department, they can advise you, even if it's over the phone.

robina

I agree that she needs help - the sad thing is, she has already been through the mental health system - she was committed to the psych ward last summer for a suicide attempt, and she has huge anger and resentment about that...she hated being locked up and she was a very difficult patient ... she refuses to take the anti-psychotic meds they gave her ... she says she is alcoholic, not crazy. They said she has borderline personality disorder but she totally rejects that...

She is currently seeing a counselor at school, and I told her that she sounds very depressed and she should talk to her counsellor when she gets back to school after the holiday.

The only reason I didn't call the police and report the suicide attempt is that but the time we returned from our visit, she was much calmer...I felt it would only enrage her and make matters worse at that point... I also felt there was a huge aspect of manipluation involved...

mallowcup

I think that counceling is great as an adjundt to a psychiatrists prescription. If she is clinically depressed, she may need some medication.

robina

I have lived with the daily possibility of my daughter dying for more than a year now. I ask that question every day, but after a lot of therapy, a lot of Al-anon recovery, and after talking to a lot of recovering alcoholics, I have come to some small sense of peace about my daughter's suicide threats.

I believe she is suffering terribly. There has been a huge amount of help and support given to her (medical, financial, counselling, AA, etc...) and she continues to drink. She has been locked up by police, she has been attacked, she has lost jobs, she claims that she has no friends....

My heart breaks for what she is going through, but I no longer believe I can fix her. I am absolutely powerless in the face of the terrible disease of alcoholism. It's not my responsibility to cure her. My part in this is to stand aside and observe and have my heart broken while this happens to her.

Many AA people I have spoken to have convinced me that if a person is determined to kill themselves, they will find a way to do it - period. They have convinced me that I have absolutely no control over whether or not another person kills themselves. I believe this because it gives me a small amount of peace and comfort.

This doesn't make her suicide threats and emotional blackmail hurt any less, though. It just means that I need to work even harder at my recovery, so that if she ever finds her way out of the hell she is living in, that she will have a healthy, loving mother waiting for her...

Thanks to the kind and wise community here at SR... it really helps to come here and talk about what's happening...