emily33

I was called selfish when I was young, and even when I was in my teens.

The reason that I say this, is because I am trying to determine where to draw the line between being selfish and sacrificing my needs over the need of someone else.

I did what I wanted to do this weekend and I had a blast, but there was something missing this weekend, I ached for that companion, that partnership, sharing in conversation with a spouse. I didnt dwell on it, I didnt think about it to much, but it was an emptiness for a brief period.

My H chose to stay home with his mother so she wouldnt be left alone for Easter, she spent the weekend at my house, while I was away. I honestly dont know if my H would have went with me even if she wasnt left alone. As he usually doesnt and IMO is using this as an excuse.

I am choosing to let his choices, hurt me. I was hurt that he chose to stay home and not be with his family and spend time with my family. I realize I am not angry, i am hurt and alot of times my hurt, looks like anger, because I cannot be honest and say I am hurt.

I think that I need to start dealing with why I am hurt and try to figure out how to deal with my hurt. Because I am the only one that can make me feel better inside. I just dont know how to feel better at times when I am genuinly hurt by someone elses choices.

I have come a long way let me tell you , because at one time it would have been a drag out fight, with him going with me and making the ride down there miserable because I wouldnt stop until he caved, I would use guilt, anything to make him go. My tatics worked sometimes and other times they didnt, and either way I felt like crap.

Now I just go and I have fun. I think this is something that I am becoming aware of and I am going to bring this up to my counselor today, in hopes of some positive feed back as to what I can do for myself when I feel this way.

I will admit that I have been a little snappy with my H lastnight and this morning when he called. I am going to stop my behavior now, because I realize that it is not good. I know that I am holding resentment, because he chose to stay home, and also because his mother stayed the whole weekend at my house. (sleep over) while I was away.

I am jealous, and I am also being selfish?

splendra

I think you have 2 children who your H and his mother want nothing to do with. I am sure these 2 kids would miss being around people who wanted them a round on a holiday and your other child needs to be around people who don't treat her as if she is better than or diffent from her other siblings that makes her think she deserves better treatment...you had a blast and they had a blast so what is wrong with that?

Would it have been better if you stayed home and watched you H and MIL treat your other kids like they are nobodies?

emily33

Heck no Splendra, that is why I am going to do what I want to do and I did just that

I plan to do this alot more often also.

I am talking about me and what I am feeling, the emptiness of a partner. I dont feel selfish at all for going, I feel selfish because I could care less if his mother was alone for Easter

splendra

I don't see any evidence that your MIL is giving you any inspiration to care for her. I could not like someone that treated my kids bad. Maybe you can't either...

As far as the emptiness of not having a partner goes I understand that but, can you make someone be your partner? What do you want to do about it?

Cynay

You know what this is just my opinion.... but come on.

If I decide to get married there are some expetations of what that marriage will involve... there are certain things as a women that I want from my husband and he would know this from the start.... Being that your needs are known to him and he "chooses" not to meet those needs leaves you in a position of making a decision.

I would feel the emptiness too, and to be quite honest I dont think I would stay in a realtionship like that for any reason.... too dead for me.... You need to make the decision of what you are willing to live with, then find a way to be happy with it.

pmaslan

Why should you feel selfish about your MIL being alone?
That's never gonna happen as long as your husband is around....

emily33

There is nothing I can do about making someone want to be my partner, so I dont anymore. I am happier for it, I know that.

But sometimes I have this need, so I try to find it in other areas. I dont know if I am describing this well. I have been so happy latley and I know that happiness is coming from inside of me. I am not depending on someone else anymore for happiness.

I just feel sometimes this lack of something. What am I going to do about it, continue working my recovery program, keep the focus on myself, because everytime I focus on him, I get into trouble.

I am going to pray, I am going to put everything I can into myself and then to my kids and my house and my beautiful Golden retriever. I am going to continue to do positive things for myself, because it is showing on the outside, the recovery work I have been doing on the inside.

emily33

I wanted my H to make the decision to come with the rest of us and so she would have been left alone.

I was disappointed because he did exactly what he always does. I think sometime I forget and think just maybe. But there is no maybe, this is just the way it is.

elizabeth1979

[QUOTE]I was disappointed because he did exactly what he always does.[QUOTE]

Yep..just remember recovery is for YOU not for him. Your recovery wont change him, it changes you. Your doing fine....