Proof
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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Proof
I think for many of us here, we can believe things in our hearts, we can even "know" that something is real - but without proof of it, we tend to flounder.
I have read other thread's and thought that much of the time, that person was looking for some sort of 'proof' and I believe that was my motivation as well when I asked for ah's cell phone records, etc. I needed proof of the truth. He had lied to me so many times, there had been so many questions unanswered - and then add in his words and the manipulation/blame game and I seemed to second guess alot.
On Friday - I discovered something. Actually, what I discovered - and saw with my own eyes - gave me proof of ah's sincerity - or lack thereof, I should say. The proof did not come in the form of having to do with the fling in any sort of way. But what I got was proof that 1) he is still drinking 2) he had lied to me "again" and 3) was hiding stuff from me "again". Before I even happened upon this thing - ah had been very verbally abusive to me. He had been insulting, blaming, trying to manipulate me and guilt me, he had even called me a few choice names. I had told him to get a lawyer as I was not going to allow him to treat me that way anymore. After I happened onto what I think of as proof - he was again angry with me. Midway between our blow up - he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to give him a fresh start to allow him to love me the way that he knew he could and how he wanted too or was I going to end this sh*t. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. 10 minutes after having busted him in yet another lie & secret, he was asking me this!!!!!!!
I told him he was unbelievable. We ended the conversation then as he felt that he had got his answers. Needless to say, I had already gotten mine!!!!
While over the past few weeks, I had time to realize and accept that our marriage was over - I still had some of those loving feelings for ah. I still inwardly cringed at the thought of him with someone else. While I had come to accept the reality of it - I guess I really hadn't let go yet. Letting go has always been a major downfall of mine with ah. However - friday night I realized that I was indeed letting go.
I won't tell you that it won't hurt the next time I see him - or if the day arrives that he moves on because I really don't know how I will feel. But for the past few days, I have been feeling at peace.
Someone once told me that I'd know when it was really over. I wouldn't feel love or hate - I'd feel indifferent. I could never grasp that concept. I finally understand what it means.
If ah does not get a lawyer - I plan to do so "again". As you may recall, I had filed for dissolution last year and that just blew up in my face. However, today I am ready to have this marriage over. We have been seperated for 2 years, ah has truly shown me who and how he is, and I no longer want to be his wife. Not legally as well as otherwise.
I have read other thread's and thought that much of the time, that person was looking for some sort of 'proof' and I believe that was my motivation as well when I asked for ah's cell phone records, etc. I needed proof of the truth. He had lied to me so many times, there had been so many questions unanswered - and then add in his words and the manipulation/blame game and I seemed to second guess alot.
On Friday - I discovered something. Actually, what I discovered - and saw with my own eyes - gave me proof of ah's sincerity - or lack thereof, I should say. The proof did not come in the form of having to do with the fling in any sort of way. But what I got was proof that 1) he is still drinking 2) he had lied to me "again" and 3) was hiding stuff from me "again". Before I even happened upon this thing - ah had been very verbally abusive to me. He had been insulting, blaming, trying to manipulate me and guilt me, he had even called me a few choice names. I had told him to get a lawyer as I was not going to allow him to treat me that way anymore. After I happened onto what I think of as proof - he was again angry with me. Midway between our blow up - he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to give him a fresh start to allow him to love me the way that he knew he could and how he wanted too or was I going to end this sh*t. Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. 10 minutes after having busted him in yet another lie & secret, he was asking me this!!!!!!!
I told him he was unbelievable. We ended the conversation then as he felt that he had got his answers. Needless to say, I had already gotten mine!!!!While over the past few weeks, I had time to realize and accept that our marriage was over - I still had some of those loving feelings for ah. I still inwardly cringed at the thought of him with someone else. While I had come to accept the reality of it - I guess I really hadn't let go yet. Letting go has always been a major downfall of mine with ah. However - friday night I realized that I was indeed letting go.
I won't tell you that it won't hurt the next time I see him - or if the day arrives that he moves on because I really don't know how I will feel. But for the past few days, I have been feeling at peace.
Someone once told me that I'd know when it was really over. I wouldn't feel love or hate - I'd feel indifferent. I could never grasp that concept. I finally understand what it means.
If ah does not get a lawyer - I plan to do so "again". As you may recall, I had filed for dissolution last year and that just blew up in my face. However, today I am ready to have this marriage over. We have been seperated for 2 years, ah has truly shown me who and how he is, and I no longer want to be his wife. Not legally as well as otherwise.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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standingstrong, I can relate to every word you typed. I have not come to a place of indifference just yet but I could so relate to needing proof, etc. Funny how we know but don't quite believe it because we don't have it in stone when it's been in stone all along! Funny what our hearts know. then that mind of ours steps in and wham, confusion. I hope the peace stays in your heart and your mind doesn't pull out a trick.
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Join Date: May 2004
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sunshine, you are the only one that seemed to ever grasp the reasons WHY I wanted the phone records and other things from ah that I asked for. Or at least that is the way it seemed.
You had responded to one of my posts once about that subject - here is part of that post
It was then that I realized that it wasn't really a matter of my trying to control him as I'd wondered before if I was asking for these things for the wrong reasons. It was after reading your reply that I realized that I was needing proof of the truth. The cell phone records, the paternity test, etc were items that would give me the proof of the truth - which in turn, I felt would give me closure one way or another.
Yes, it's strange how our hearts will know something until our mind comes into play havoc on that feeling of knowledge. I suppose it's the committee in our heads that do that. That committee hasn't really been speaking a whole lot the past few days. A few small questions - but nothing that can't be overturned by the knowledge that I've gained recently. The committee is quieting.
Yes, the truth has been there right in front of me for a very very long time. I guess that I didn't want to see it - and so I doubted.
I know now that our marriage is over - and has been.
Friday night I was wondering if ah had always been this way with me and if I had not seen it. I gave it a lot of thought as I looked back over the years and yes, I believe that he was always this way with me. I lived in my world of denial. I kept holding on with hope that it would change - that he would change.
Pick-A-name: there is one thing that I could have done that I did not do. I could have done what I had done for years. I could have just accepted the unacceptable and forgave once again. I could have tried to work things out on his terms.
But I didn't and I won't do that. I have come way too far to do that - and I don't want too.
Another strange thing too is that as I've commented on here before, I get these bumps "stress bubbles" on my face when I'm stressed over ah. I've had one in particular one for about a month that just won't go away. When it seems to be getting better, it then flares up again. Today it is very dry and no longer hard as they usually are. It looks to be healing. While some people don't believe that the body talks to us in this way - I was surprised to see how much better it looks. So here's hoping that my skin heals as well as my heart and my life.
You had responded to one of my posts once about that subject - here is part of that post
sunshine003
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 483 SS, I remember you wanting the phone records and why. I also remember you carefully considering if it was expecting too much for the wrong reasons, etc. You decided it was something you needed. On that note, I relate completely why you NEED them, your AH has broken trust. In trying to earn it back, you probably aren't sure if he is being totally honest and this would help PROVE if he is or if he's lying. Maybe I'm off here but that's what I gather. In which case, I don't think that's about control but a need you have so you aren't always wondering about "the fling", etc. You probably want to know the entire truth so you can decide for yourself if you can handle it or not. Your AH not giving it to you is like he's trying to control the situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 483 SS, I remember you wanting the phone records and why. I also remember you carefully considering if it was expecting too much for the wrong reasons, etc. You decided it was something you needed. On that note, I relate completely why you NEED them, your AH has broken trust. In trying to earn it back, you probably aren't sure if he is being totally honest and this would help PROVE if he is or if he's lying. Maybe I'm off here but that's what I gather. In which case, I don't think that's about control but a need you have so you aren't always wondering about "the fling", etc. You probably want to know the entire truth so you can decide for yourself if you can handle it or not. Your AH not giving it to you is like he's trying to control the situation.
Yes, it's strange how our hearts will know something until our mind comes into play havoc on that feeling of knowledge. I suppose it's the committee in our heads that do that. That committee hasn't really been speaking a whole lot the past few days. A few small questions - but nothing that can't be overturned by the knowledge that I've gained recently. The committee is quieting.
Yes, the truth has been there right in front of me for a very very long time. I guess that I didn't want to see it - and so I doubted.
I know now that our marriage is over - and has been.
Friday night I was wondering if ah had always been this way with me and if I had not seen it. I gave it a lot of thought as I looked back over the years and yes, I believe that he was always this way with me. I lived in my world of denial. I kept holding on with hope that it would change - that he would change.
Pick-A-name: there is one thing that I could have done that I did not do. I could have done what I had done for years. I could have just accepted the unacceptable and forgave once again. I could have tried to work things out on his terms.
But I didn't and I won't do that. I have come way too far to do that - and I don't want too.
Another strange thing too is that as I've commented on here before, I get these bumps "stress bubbles" on my face when I'm stressed over ah. I've had one in particular one for about a month that just won't go away. When it seems to be getting better, it then flares up again. Today it is very dry and no longer hard as they usually are. It looks to be healing. While some people don't believe that the body talks to us in this way - I was surprised to see how much better it looks. So here's hoping that my skin heals as well as my heart and my life.
One brief hour...
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 1,412
So here's hoping that my skin heals as well as my heart and my life.
I'm so happy that you have come to terms with the reality of your situation and can peacefully move forward. I hope to one day do the same. Our "realities" can become so muddled when we allow ourselves to rationalize the irrational.
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