aztchr

I'm second guessing my decision to have left abf for a month now and put the house up for sale. I know nothing has changed on his end, BUT maybe I can learn how to be ok with things if I detach more while I'm there. I haven't brought this up to him because I'm just confused and don't really want to give up. Maybe I should just go through the emotions and not say anything. At this point, I don't even know if he'd want to work through everything because I was the one who left. Every question I try to ask myself comes up with I don't know. What do I need to keep in mind? I think I'm grieving the loss of what was good and missing everything. I want to be there when he gets home after work and just surrender to the fact that maybe I was wrong and we can try again. I can try differently. Thoughts??

minnie

I'd say that was quite natural. I can't remember whether I had the same thoughts - I suspect I didn't - but I know you aren't the only one. Some people need to go back to remember why they left in the first place. Personally, I'd rather just read my old posts.

All I would say is, sit on those thoughts for a couple of days. Sometimes they are only fleeting.

rose petals

aztchr--
im laura --im an alcoholic--sometimes iread on here things and can i share my hubbie and mines story?--i drank round thclock from about 23 to 28--horrible,terrible things happened--i slept with men in blackouts--got horrifyling near death--hyped anger,crushing sadness and a million other horrible things--but he loved me and we loved eachother so very much --he stayed strong and now im sober and our life is pretty much as close to a fairytale as i can imagine--last weekend we were wathching joel olsteen--he is a minister--although i think his message is for any faith or lack thereof--he said there may be a reason you are there and people give up so easily on loved ones--he encouraged people to walk thru the fire and dont give up and wonderful things can happen--he said it much better than i can but my hubbie and i looked at eachother and we both felt god wanted us to hear that--this is only our experience--i have no idea about other couples plights--but it can be done....even tho it seems impossible--take care, and i hope you can do whats best for you
laura

denny57

I understand what you're going through. Do you think your expectation was that when you forced the sale of the house he would come to his senses and get sober for you? What things would you have to learn to be ok with? What would he have to learn to be ok with about you? Seven months on I still have self doubt about what I did. I think it's natural. But I'm not going back to that old way of living. Detachment does not mean putting up with unacceptable behavior.

Minx1969

Thank you Denny!!

AZtchr..I thought I could learn to deal with it and detach..that's why I went back a few more times..

Thought could handle it..Turns out I was asking myself the wrong question..

Not could I handle it..but is this the life I truly wanted to live? is this the relationship I wanted to have..

My now (ex) bf didn't want the same things or lifestyle I did..Sure he would put on a good show, tell me what I wanted to hear..including that he had an alcohol problem..

Guess what? I got help.. he didn't..I assume he is still drinking today..

Today, I am in a wonderful loving relationship (if I believed in fairytales which I don't I'd say it is close) with someone who is not an alcoholic nor does he have any majorly annoying or negative traits..

he is decent kind loving generous...etc..Everything I kept hoping and praying that my ex would become..

Guess what..my ex just isn't that person..drinking or not..he still wouldn't be that person..

I can only share my experience strength and hope..I'm 37 and never married..there are great loving guys out there with out lots of problems..

I just was tired of wasting my time on someone who wasn't going to meet my needs..


as my sponsor says: nothing changes if nothing changes..see my ex was good at quack quack quack..but it can't be a one sided relationship..if your bf doesn't want to change then you get to stay on the rollercoaster and watch the progression of his alcoholism..

too much work..life is too short..

take what you want and leave the rest..

offer still stands to go to a Alanon meeting with you..just pm me..

mf2881

hi aztchr, i struggle with the same thoughts everyday. you are not alone... i kicked my abf out of the house about 8 months ago, and still sometimes i feel like i love(d) him so much that i still want to support him in his recovery. when we were living together, he went in and out of rehab (i made him) a few times with numerous relapses... it was me physically detaching completely, that made him decide on his own that his life needs a big change. i let him go to live his life the way he wanted, and stopped trying to conrol his drug use... because i couldn't. he went severely down hill at first, but he picked himself back up and is now sober 2 months and moving into a halfway house.

who knows what the future will bring for him, for me, and for us... but i do know that i want to be there to support him through his struggle.

Minx1969

Look my sponsor told me when I was first in the program and my exabf and I were on another one of our "breaks" to let him go work on my own program for a year..

This meant NO CONTACT...

and then see what happened..

what happened is that after about 4 months, I found that even though I loved him and even though it hurt, I didn't miss the chaos..

at 6 months I was starting to have more moments of peace and clarity..happiness either..

and I didn't really want him or that relationship back..

after a year of no dating I started dating ...and met a wonderful guy..we've been together for 9 months..No drama no chaos..just lots of love and support..

Do I still love my exbf? Yes..parts of me will always love him..underneath the disease there is a human being that is aching to be loved..

but he loves his alcohol more then he loved me or himself..

I had to let him go..

I pray for him..and wish him well...it's a sad disease..

I just couldn't do it to myself anymore..

and..you never know what the future brings..although I think it will be probably a ring from my current boyfriend...

Numb

There was a reason why you left. If he didn't change, he may not. Can you still see yourself doing this with him 10 years, 20 years or more down the road? If you go back set your boundaries and stick with them. But for now give it time. YOu don't need to make a decision now.

Grieving a relationship end is normal and in time the pain has to pass.

brdlvr2

I have been on and and off with my abf from 3.5 years! Again, I ended it and yes, I do doubt myself. I miss his company sometimes, and I wonder if he'll change. I pray for guidance. He is a sweet man, but all the years of alcoholism took it's toll on my feelings for him. Tonight he called me drunk from a bar to come pick him up. I did not and yes it was hard not too. I read here some good advice: Can you accept him and the situation exactly as he/it is now? Cause he may never change. And actions speak louder then words (Wow, that is one bit of advice I sure wish I paid attention to.)

I know what your going through, and even though you did the leaving (like I did) it's still tough. Take care..

Live

One month is very fresh. If it is better together, then it will still be there in another month. Do you want to live the life you were living? Being together is like a dance and it takes way more than a month to learn and begin new steps to a new dance.
Can you just set this aside for today and do something wonderful for you?
Keep posting and reading, there is a wonderful stickie somewhere that talks about times and the difficulties in transitional periods that is soooo helpful.
Anyone know off hand where it is?

Betsy J.

Unlike most of you, I am the dumpee. I supported my abf off and on for three years. Our relationship ended abruptly. His choice of course. I still don't know why and it is very difficult for me.

I am in counseling and I have sought this support group as part of my healing process. I need people who understand. My friends don't and quite honestly they don't want to hear that I miss him. They believe he was a mistake and simply want me to move on.

I, too, don't miss the craziness just what I think could have been. How do you forget or quit feeling that attraction that you felt so deeply for someone else. I use to watch him sleep and think "God he is so beautiful, so loving, yet so messed up".

Can anybody tell me why alcholics get rid of the people who love them and support them? Do sober people just become boring to them and just become annoying because they care?

I just need answers and comfort.

DesertEyes

Hey there Betsy, and welcome to SR.

You might want to start your own thread so everybody can get a chance to welcome you.

You can come sit on the dumpee side of the room with me, I got dumped by my addict ex-wife.

They behave the way they do for a variety of reasons. One of the common symptoms of the disease of addiction is complete selfishness. As a "co-dependent" I know that my nagging and harrasing were a part of the reason our marriage failed, so it wasn't entirely her fault. It really took both of us to make a bad situation worse.

You're in the right place for that. What helped me the most was to attend real life meetings of Al-Anon. They have a huge amount of wonderful books and materials. Listening to all the other people sharing how they survived and overcame their own challenges gave me the strength and hope to deal with mine. And yes, they gave me comfort by the bucketfull.

Welcome again

Mike :-)

Pick-a-name

and,me..............I got dumped by my AH. Not much for me to say about this except that it suxs..I know the feeling.
Glad you are here with us, and I am glad you posted this....I'll be anxious to read the relies.