megamysterioso

So I've been planning after the events of this weekend to have a discussion with AH to let him know I intend to file for divorce. Been very busy with work and waiting for that "right" time. There seems to never be a right time!

This morning AH rolls over and puts his arms around me and says, "I had a dream that we were making love. Will you make love me?" First off, I'm a VERY deep sleeper and have never been the type to just suddenly open my eyes and be ready for sex. Secondly, I've been avoiding sex like the plague b/c I DON'T FEEL EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED to him and I feel like I'm lying to him and myself by caving into it. I've only begun withdrawing myself sexually from him since probably around December. About a week ago he inquired about my lack of sexual interest by saying, "usually it means a person is cheating." I just looked at him and said, "TRY EMOTIONALLY DISCONNECTED." He did not say a word, seemed to understand and let it go.

After I realized what he had asked of me this morning, I just said in my usual groggy morning voice, "no, not now I am sleeping." I heard him say in a VERY sad almost dejected childlike way, "I thought it was real" (meaning the dream). I mean he sounded pitiful and I believe it was really heartfelt and know that he wants us to "be close." I never opened my eyes once during all this and I went back to sleep.

As he was getting ready for work, I heard him mumble something about "I'm at my breaking point." He also continued to mumble something else that I could not understand. I asked him what he said and he said, "we'll talk later." I did give him a ride to work and he got out with no kiss (always, always kisses me usually) and said, "thanks for the ride." I came home and his wedding ring was sitting on counter in the bathroom.

So--- I'm thinking now that maybe I will NOT have to bring up my intention for divorce at all. I do want a divorce, but I'm trying to wrap my head around my feelings that I'm having and am hoping I can keep a level head during our talk later. After a mere 3 months of not getting sex when/where he wants it, he's done! Then I take myself down the angry road of how dare he! I start thinking about me putting up with his crap for 3 1/2 years and get so angry about how selfish I think he is. I also start thinking that this is what I've always wanted (him to do the leaving) and feel a little slimey and manipulative. BUT- I have not been withholding sex to drive him out. I've been doing that so that I can remain true to my principles by not faking it and thus- NOT lying to him and myself. Then I think, "well it's not his fault, he's told me before how important sex was to him and he's no longer getting what he wants out of our relationship, it's his right to leave." Then I think that I've never really gotten what I've wanted from this relationship either, but I hung in there! I DON'T WANT HIM TO HANG IN THERE. I really want this done. I think I'm just angry and may have a problem remaining calm and indifferent during our talk. We'll see what happens and I'll do my best.

ASpouse

Oh brother, more games! Leaving & giving you little hints. If I were you, I'd pretend I didn't even notice the "ring" and the "lack" of a kiss goodbye. If you nibble at this bait, you will have given him what he wants ....... "attention for poor little him".

Have the discussion about the divorce and move forward (when you're ready of course). Stay the course, you are getting sidetracked off of YOUR course by him. Keep your balance and stay the course (gee I like saying that lately).

Do you know how many times I've taken my wedding ring off? Lots and you know what, because my husband never acknowledge I did, I always put it back on. It's a game mega, nothing but a big fat game!

sunshine003

mega, what you're feeling is normal. Don't react out of emotion. Try to stick to the facts! FACTS FACTS FACTS. In wanting out, FACTS are what keep you focused, not emotions. I'm sure you felt a sting when he said "he thought it was real" and you thought he was sad. Then, he left his wedding ring and didn't kiss you goodbye. BUT, this doesn't mean he wants to talk about an "out." The behavior he displayed this morning is probably because he wants you to turn this around and that type of stuff would have probably worked in the past. You have probably always given in and stood by and put up with and on and on it goes.

If there is a talk, the only way to have it go the way you are wanting is for you to remain calm and clear. That is such a hard thing to do when emotions take over. Also, if you feel yourself feeling bad for something he says, that is the time to not react, you have to step back and realize you're gonna get sad. Leaving a relationship, no matter how much you want to leave, is a sad thing. But it will pass.

Hang in there, be strong and love yourself first.

sunshine003

yeah, I like what judy's saying. I bet if you didn't acknowledge it, it would be back on, LOL. wonder how stubborn he is, I bet he'd go for a bit to see if you'd ever notice. Heck, dust the table top it's on and set it back in it's place without ever asking, LOL.

ASpouse

This reminds me of the theory of "negative attention is better than no attention at all".

I train dogs occasionally. One of the first things I tell new owners is this:

If your dog is jumping on you, if you yell "No, Get Off" you are in reality giving the dog what it wants, attention, even if it is in the form of "negative attention". The best thing to do when a dog is jumping on you, is fold your arms, turn your back and walk away. If the dog approaches again, this time thinking about it, take this opportunity to ask the dog to sit and then praise and pet it, or in the dogs mind "positive attention".

My son, who is almost 6 craves attention. If he tries to get it in the normal way and we are too busy to notice it, it builds up to a crescendo ...... he starts acting out until we are all yelling at him and each other. But he got what he wanted, attention, even though it was was "negative attention".

So your husband is, in reality, behaving badly. He tried to get positive attention by telling you about his "beautiful dream about making love to you". You didn't give him the positive attention he desired, so then he did another behavior, not kissing you goodbye, leaving the ring, mumbling under his breath etc. Now, you can reward his "behavior" by giving in to it, or you can ignore it and hope to get the behavior you want and need.

OK, so this is a little cold, but eliminating the emotions from the entire situation, this is really what it comes down to isn't it?

Do you understand?

ASpouse

Actually what I'd do is take it from the bathroom and put it on his dresser, never saying a thing. I know, playing games.

sunshine003

LOL Judy....so hard to stop sometimes. But i see what you're saying.

Mega, I would have gotten frantic if my AH took his ring off after some sort of event that made him feel wronged. But now, I see what Judy's saying. It's a game because a MATURE, healthy person wouldn't take their ring off, they'd be concerned for your feelings and what was going on in the relationship. Of course, he'd have been that way long ago when the sex was tappering off.

My AH would take his ring off on occasion also. He'd do it as he'd walk out to go "show me." I now see how manipulative that was. How it's game playing. He was acting like a child who was taking his ball and going home.

Jazzman

Quote:

Originally Posted by megamysterioso

I came home and his wedding ring was sitting on counter in the bathroom.

Woah... flashback! My ex hardly ever took her ring off the 1st 4 years of our marriage. Then she started leaving her ring on the bathroom counter while she would disappear for days at a time. I never took mine off, ever. About a week after I started sleeping in another bedroom, I took mine off and left it on the bathroom counter right next to hers. Boy she called me at work a few hours later all bent out of shape. She had already been cheating at the time, (which I discovered later) and the nerve of her to give me crap about the friggen ring!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

Anyway... no real point here just had to vent from that trigger.

megamysterioso

Thanks so much for all of your advice Judy and Sunshine. I have already decided not to even mention the ring. I don't care if he wears it or not at this point. We'll see if there is even "a talk" when he gets home! You never know where their mind goes sometimes. He may come home like all is good, he may bring a case of beer home, he may bring company over "to spite me" b/c he knows I'm UP TO MY FRIGGIN' EARS in work and do a lot of my work from home. There I go with that dang crystal ball Equus mentioned!!! And yep Judy-- it's just a game of his and the negative attention thing is true. He would rather bicker with me than not have any communication at all. I will not take the bait though. I cannot afford to and it would serve no purpose other than serve his own agenda.

What you said is true Sunshine-- the ending of any relationship is pretty sad any way you look at it. But, I will get over it and know in my heart that I would be much better without him. He totally drains me- emotionally, spiritually and sometimes financially. This is not what a marriage supposed to be!!!!

Jazzman--- I have NEVER taken my ring off since we've been married either. Believe you me that if I did what you did, I'd NEVER hear the end of it either. It would be the ultimate "stab in the back" in his mind. They can be such hypocrites.

Ayers1995

I lost alot of weight going through all of this, and my rings just spin on my finger. Soo, I was leaving it at home wearing another ring. Every morning when I'd get up he'd have my ring on my Cell phone antenna to wear, usually with a note attatched. Please wear your ring....it makes me think you've already given up? ***insert-Eww*** I told him why, but he didn't care... just wanted me to wear the symbol I guess..... Sorry... Nerve hitter...

If you have this talk, Mega.... everyone has offered great advice. Stick to your guns. Be strong... and run back here and get support. LOL....

megamysterioso

Ayers, it's a shame that he wasn't more concerned with all the weight you were losing instead of wearing a symbol that only means something if it means the same thing to BOTH parties! Good gravy.

Yep- we'll see how it goes later and I will do my best to use my SR tools by remaining calm, cool and collected and remembering the FACTS of our situation. I will not dwell on the "what ifs" or the "what weres" and will not be made to feel guilty!!! I will have my radar on high to detect all the BS and manipulative tactics thrown my way!! And I am sure I'll run over here and post as soon as I can...lol.

Ayers1995

I'm glad that you are sticking to your guns on w/holding from him while not wanting to be 'close'. That was a major battle for me, during the past 2 months, I guess I felt sorry for him, or obligated. It really made me harbor very deep hurtful feelings. You are doing the right thing....

Sorry.. hated to put that on here, but felt it was necessary for you to not feel like you are the only one going through that... or feeling awful for it.

TexasGirl

Mega, so many times the things you say could be coming from my mouth. I don't even want him to kiss me. When he leans in for a kiss, I peck him on the lips and try to slip away. He keeps asking me why I won't kiss him, but it's because exactly what you said... I feel emotionally disconnected. My apathy is incredible!

Then like you said, Ayers, that obligation feeling creeps in. When I try to explain to him that he's hurt me so much that I feel resentment, he just says, "Well, it's not good to harbor resentment, so you just need to get over that." Or the next time when I'm just not feeling it, he'll say, "You're right, I need to be better. I'm going to be better for you..." *wait 5 minutes* "Do you want to now?"

megamysterioso

Thank Ayers. Yeah-- the withdrawing from sex was a little tricky for me at first b/c I too felt sort of obligated and didn't want to hurt him, etc. Then, the pain of caving into it just became WORSE than any other possibility. I felt like such a liar and a phoney. I had to taper it off and eventually AH stopped pressuring me constantly. We're at about a once a week point now and I know it's getting to him. I've seen it coming for a while.

megamysterioso

Thanks TG. Yep--- it's too hard to fake it and it's not right to do so.

Ayers1995

No it isnt right to do so, and the thought of having to resume that is disgusting to me right now. NOPE... not moving back yet.....

Cat3

Hi again Mega,

Had a similar experience a few weeks ago. My husband had a bit too much to drink and had one of his meltdowns. The next morning (Monday) I saw his ring on the entertainment center and was really taken back. He actually went to work without his ring on. When he came home that night, he said he didn't remember taking it off. Was quite an eye opener...