igfan

hi all,
well, it's been a busy couple days. I don't remember if i posted about all the crap that went down on Thursday, but basically i got "spoken to" at work for my attitude lately, my behavior towards fellow employees (which by the way we're all very good friends which makes it worse) etc, etc. I ended up leaving work early after having been popping xanax all day long (approx 5mg - doesn't sound like much but from what i've read the max is 4mg). The thing that scared me the most was that my Friend that i've mentioned before with 18 years sobriety would not speak to me, she also left work early after having spoken to my boss, i tried to call her and she just didn't want to speak to me at all. I ended up calling my sponsor, telling her she needed to get these f'n pills away from me. I drove and met her, she dumped them down a storm drain, we talked for a while, and hit a meeting that night. I think i posted all of this already.

Anyway, Friday i got on my hands & knees again, asked for help and guidance, but mostly that work was tolerable. My friend was "acting" like nothing ever happened and i knew she was just trying to get through the day the same as me. After speaking with my sponsor and another friend in the program i decided to call our HR person and fess up (only because i knew she has lot of experience in the substance abuse field, used to work at a Rehab and would probably be more receptive than anyone else). Anyway, i told her i am an alcoholic, hadn't drank for 60 days, but that the problem right now was not the alcohol, it was xanax. She was very supportive, took me over to a local rehab facility for an "intake exam"? Anyway, if she had her way i'd still be there, but i wasn't willing to stay, i opted for outpatient treatment.

I feel like a big weight has been lifted because i've be "outed" but today i am really struggling with anxiety. Anyway, i just wanted to get a little bit off my chest. I'll be back later.

lulu70

Hey there, igfan--Sounds like you are really making some tough, but positive choices. If you have been doing a lot of Xanax recently, it is not suprising that you are feeling some anxiety today. I would recommend getting to as many meetings as possible, try to get some exercise (it will also help relieve anxiety), and take good care of yourself. Do something special like taking a hot, candle-lit bath, give yourself a pedicure or manicure, read a good book, etc. Recovery is not easy, but it is so worth it. Being free from mood-altering substances is so much better than being a slave to them.

Keep posting. We're here for you!

Pernell Johnson

igfan, welcome SR. I hear you and I understand you. Ianax and alcohol is a very hard detox and sometimes lethal. You have made some good decisions but you are appear to belimiting yourself. This this, the diseae of addiction is real sneaky or should I say insidious. It will be on you before you know it.

You have to ask yourself and answer honestly, "What are you willing to do to stop and stay stop?"

NEEDTOBESOBER

igfan, I understand about your problem w/xanax, I am an alcoholic and this is my 5th day without drinking, but I have been using anti-anxiety meds to cope, I was taking clonozepam, but ran out so now I am taking what the doctor prescribed which is a not as strong benzo, and I will be getting some xanax in a couple of days via the internet. I am struggling cause I know I need to get off the pills, but my problem is I have bad anxiety diagnosed by the doctor-they call it generalized anxiety disorder, where I have bad panic attacks without meds. I am thinking of going back to the doctor and seeing if their is some other med that is not in the benzo family that will help my anxiety and some people may think it is cause of my drinking or not drinking, but that is not the case, my anxiety started about 4 yrs ago before my drinking got out of hand, in fact another problem is when I would drink it would help my anxiety, if I didnt have meds, of course i guess that is normal-anyway I just dont know- I guess i dont know how to deal with life in general without having something.

Justme57

Ig, I am glad to see that you are taking some action at last. It looks as if your indecision could be about to cost you more than money. You are very lucky to have a supportive HR person, AND a Sponser who is willing to go the extra mile for you .

Good Luck with your journey

HUGX
Lee

igfan

I finally told my husband what has been going on, he was completely clueless. I've struggled with talking to him about my alcoholism and now the pills, and it's very frustrating when you try to talk to someone you love, let them know how you're feeling and why, but they truly can't understand. I know he loves me, but i don't think he understands the severity of everything. I told him i went to our HR person (we work for the same companies, different divisions) and his first response was "is she going to keep her mouth shut". It seems he's more worried about others finding out rather than my well being. I'm starting to wish i had taken advantage of the inpatient program @ the rehab, at least i'd be somewhere where i could focus on JUST ME. He doesn't understand why i'm irritable, full of anxiety, headaches etc and if i try to tell him it's partly withdrawals he thinks i'm crazy. I mentioned that the rehab facility was going to notify my primary care physician so they would know not to give me anymore refills and just made the comment jokingly "i'm a drug addict". I don't know if i am or not, but he immediately said "NO YOU'RE NOT!". It's obvious that his idea of a drug addict are the people smoking crack, shooting heroin and snorting coke, not people who abuse prescription drugs (I know better, most of the addicts i know were addicted to prescription meds).

He wants to be supportive, my womans meeting group is having a pot luck tonight for their anniversary and everyone is welcome, so he's going to come with me tonight and meet some of the people and see what goes on at these meetings and why it's so important for me to hit these meetings and talk to these people. Maybe it will help him understand.

Anna

Well, I think it's good that he's willing to participate tonight, but he may be in denial of the problem. If that's the case, you still need to do what you need to do.

I hope it goes well tonight.

Justme57

Ig, it has been my experience, that people who have not "been there" have absolutely NO clue , regarding Alcoholism, I cant speak for Drug addiction, but I guess it is much the same.

"Normies" just dont think the same as us.

I do wish you well tonight, but dont have huge expectations for your husband , remember you are doing this FOR YOU!

my Sponser once told me resentments are just unfulfilled expectations!

HUGX
Lee

Little Missy

You are doing great!! Just hang in there. I'm glad your husband is willing to go with you tonight. My husband goes to alanon and also attends open AA meetings with me. It has really helped us a lot!!

igfan

well, my husband did go with me last night, but didn't end up staying for the meeting. It was obvious to me that he was very uncomfortable being there, so i let him off the hook and sent him home.

Today my boss is coming back from a trip and she doesn't know what's going on yet, my HR person is going to come over this morning and we're going to sit down and get her upto speed. I'm very nervous about this, i don't know how she'll react or what will happen. Hopefully all goes well.

Beachbabe

AMEN!

igfan

hi,
everything's going well, i've got an appointment for an evaluation Friday at the local rehab for an outpatient program. I think this will be good, it's basically a 5 week program, 4 days a week, 3 hours a day (meant to replace an inpatient program so i won't have to be away from my family and can still work). It's kinda scary, but i think this is what i need (although i'm already getting back into denial mode, when things go well i start to feel like i never had a problem to begin with and that's what gets me into trouble).