struggling.....
hi all,
well, it's been a busy couple days. I don't remember if i posted about all the crap that went down on Thursday, but basically i got "spoken to" at work for my attitude lately, my behavior towards fellow employees (which by the way we're all very good friends which makes it worse) etc, etc. I ended up leaving work early after having been popping xanax all day long (approx 5mg - doesn't sound like much but from what i've read the max is 4mg). The thing that scared me the most was that my Friend that i've mentioned before with 18 years sobriety would not speak to me, she also left work early after having spoken to my boss, i tried to call her and she just didn't want to speak to me at all. I ended up calling my sponsor, telling her she needed to get these f'n pills away from me. I drove and met her, she dumped them down a storm drain, we talked for a while, and hit a meeting that night. I think i posted all of this already.
Anyway, Friday i got on my hands & knees again, asked for help and guidance, but mostly that work was tolerable. My friend was "acting" like nothing ever happened and i knew she was just trying to get through the day the same as me. After speaking with my sponsor and another friend in the program i decided to call our HR person and fess up (only because i knew she has lot of experience in the substance abuse field, used to work at a Rehab and would probably be more receptive than anyone else). Anyway, i told her i am an alcoholic, hadn't drank for 60 days, but that the problem right now was not the alcohol, it was xanax. She was very supportive, took me over to a local rehab facility for an "intake exam"? Anyway, if she had her way i'd still be there, but i wasn't willing to stay, i opted for outpatient treatment.
I feel like a big weight has been lifted because i've be "outed" but today i am really struggling with anxiety. Anyway, i just wanted to get a little bit off my chest. I'll be back later.