How Do You Know If You're Codependent?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: My Own Private Hell
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How Do You Know If You're Codependent?
I know I should just get a book and start reading, but I wanted to ask everyone what their definitions of co-dependency are...
My husband is one month sober and I want to be fair and consider what role i have played in this...
Would appreciate everyone's ideas...
I am the classic guilty catholic, type-a, organized, student council kind of person, if there seems to be a typical "type"...
My husband is one month sober and I want to be fair and consider what role i have played in this...
Would appreciate everyone's ideas...
I am the classic guilty catholic, type-a, organized, student council kind of person, if there seems to be a typical "type"...
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
4. My mental attention is focused on you
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you
6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
11. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you
20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours
Does this help?
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
4. My mental attention is focused on you
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you
6. My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
9. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
10. Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
11. Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
13. I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
18. My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
19. I put my values aside in order to connect with you
20. I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours
Does this help?
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Posts: 25
minnie, thanks for your definitions. some points were right on, others less so for me. i have a question, though. i can definitely see these things in myself, but what does it mean if you see these things in yourself in a relationship with someone who is not an alcoholic? is it still considered co-dependent?
since i was in high school or college, in relationships with guys, i always seemed to be the one who cared more, who gave more, who got hurt more. i always just thought of myself as overly romantic, overly sensitive, but maybe i was co-dependent?
the points i relate to are:
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
4. My mental attention is focused on you
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours
since i was in high school or college, in relationships with guys, i always seemed to be the one who cared more, who gave more, who got hurt more. i always just thought of myself as overly romantic, overly sensitive, but maybe i was co-dependent?
the points i relate to are:
1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
2. My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
3. Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
4. My mental attention is focused on you
5. My mental attention is focused on protecting you
7. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
8. My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
12. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
14. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
15. My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
16. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
17. I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
21. The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Heck, yeah.
I wasn't brought up in an alcoholic home and I didn't meet my alcoholic ex till I was 28. But I can see those codie traits throughout my life. I had a good teacher in my mum!
I think co-dependency developed from the concept of co-alcoholic, which is why it is associated with alcoholism. I don't know about you, but I see these traits in many people in everyday life.
I will say, though, that the problems really come from these being the driving factors in the way you relate to other people. I don;t happen to think that some of them are that bad in small measure, but when they become over-riding, the problems really kick in.
We are the mistresses of our own destiny - giving that power away can only hurt is.
I wasn't brought up in an alcoholic home and I didn't meet my alcoholic ex till I was 28. But I can see those codie traits throughout my life. I had a good teacher in my mum!
I think co-dependency developed from the concept of co-alcoholic, which is why it is associated with alcoholism. I don't know about you, but I see these traits in many people in everyday life.
I will say, though, that the problems really come from these being the driving factors in the way you relate to other people. I don;t happen to think that some of them are that bad in small measure, but when they become over-riding, the problems really kick in.
We are the mistresses of our own destiny - giving that power away can only hurt is.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Nj
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warriorprincess- for me I knew I was co dependent when I recognized how everyone in my life came to me for what they need and I "helped" no matter what the cost was for me. 
I was very sad and felt very alone when I first figured that out. Then I had to learn to say NO to people. Now, I find happiness in the little things of life.
I was very sad and felt very alone when I first figured that out. Then I had to learn to say NO to people. Now, I find happiness in the little things of life.
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Join Date: May 2004
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The list that Minnie posted is an excellent check list.
For me - it was realizing that I was not living my life with my ah - I was living my life around him. Walking on eggshells, always cleaning up his messes, hiding the truth of his drinking from friends and family, I was confused if he was an alcoholic and was second-guessing myself constantly. I was always making threats but not following through on them. I was begging, crying, screaming and doing whatever it took to get ah to listen to me and nothing was working, I was living in a chaotic, unhappy, miserable, and depressing marriage. I was holding onto hope that things would change.
The list could go on and on but you get the point. Summing it up - like I said, I was living my life around ah - not with ah. My life was basically non-existant except when it was around him. My life had been put on hold. Truly, I really didn't have a life. I just existed.
For me - it was realizing that I was not living my life with my ah - I was living my life around him. Walking on eggshells, always cleaning up his messes, hiding the truth of his drinking from friends and family, I was confused if he was an alcoholic and was second-guessing myself constantly. I was always making threats but not following through on them. I was begging, crying, screaming and doing whatever it took to get ah to listen to me and nothing was working, I was living in a chaotic, unhappy, miserable, and depressing marriage. I was holding onto hope that things would change.
The list could go on and on but you get the point. Summing it up - like I said, I was living my life around ah - not with ah. My life was basically non-existant except when it was around him. My life had been put on hold. Truly, I really didn't have a life. I just existed.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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There's a great book (almost legendary on this forum) called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It has a ton of great tips, suggestions, exercises, etc. that will help you on your way. I got a lot out of a few counseling sessions with a therapist on the topic, too.....really paved the way for changing how I think. Good luck!
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hey warrior--
Your question reminded me of a phone call I got from a dear A friend at 6 in the morning one day 7 years ago. He woke me , up, he was a wreck, crying, and asked "B, how do you know when you're an alcoholic?" I said "When you wake up your friend at 6 in the morning to ask them." I offered to help him find a meeting. He said he knew someone from work, an AA'er who had never even gone out to socialize with my friend but in just listening to his stories had said to him quietly one time- "If you ever want to go to an AA meeting call me, I'll take you." I said I hoped he would give her a call. He called that co-worker and he began what is now 7 years of sobriety and active recovery.
So how do you know if you are codependent? My answer is, "When you ask all your codie friends here on SR!!"
Also you mentioned you were Catholic - me too - so that is an automatic 10 points in the codie column. LOL!
If you've been living your life, for years, emotionally involved with an alcoholic I'd think it's a miracle for you to not have some or many codependent traits. Maybe read Codependent No More, try an AlAnon meeting, keep an open mind....it can't hurt and it may just open a whole bright world of positive growth for YOU!!!
peace-
B.
Your question reminded me of a phone call I got from a dear A friend at 6 in the morning one day 7 years ago. He woke me , up, he was a wreck, crying, and asked "B, how do you know when you're an alcoholic?" I said "When you wake up your friend at 6 in the morning to ask them." I offered to help him find a meeting. He said he knew someone from work, an AA'er who had never even gone out to socialize with my friend but in just listening to his stories had said to him quietly one time- "If you ever want to go to an AA meeting call me, I'll take you." I said I hoped he would give her a call. He called that co-worker and he began what is now 7 years of sobriety and active recovery.
So how do you know if you are codependent? My answer is, "When you ask all your codie friends here on SR!!"
Also you mentioned you were Catholic - me too - so that is an automatic 10 points in the codie column. LOL!
If you've been living your life, for years, emotionally involved with an alcoholic I'd think it's a miracle for you to not have some or many codependent traits. Maybe read Codependent No More, try an AlAnon meeting, keep an open mind....it can't hurt and it may just open a whole bright world of positive growth for YOU!!!
peace-
B.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I see you have been here before. After viewing some of your previous posts and considering your question today, I wonder if you really want to know the answer.
Back in 2006 you stated that your therapist identified this as a problem area for you. I am not trying to be insulting. I am trying to keep it real. i understand denial..I think everyone on this website does. I believe honesty, even when it hurts, is the best cure for any ailment. It is really hard to know whats true of those around us if we do not look at whats true about ourselves.
I hope you find your answers, couple years later and you are still stuck in the same old cycle. Did you marry a different alcoholic? Or remarry your old one?
I am sorry you are here again. I hope your son is ok as well. Being involved with addicts is so painful, I grieve for both you and your children.
Back in 2006 you stated that your therapist identified this as a problem area for you. I am not trying to be insulting. I am trying to keep it real. i understand denial..I think everyone on this website does. I believe honesty, even when it hurts, is the best cure for any ailment. It is really hard to know whats true of those around us if we do not look at whats true about ourselves.
I hope you find your answers, couple years later and you are still stuck in the same old cycle. Did you marry a different alcoholic? Or remarry your old one?
I am sorry you are here again. I hope your son is ok as well. Being involved with addicts is so painful, I grieve for both you and your children.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hey guys, WarriorPrincess is _not_ back. This is an old, old thread of hers from long time ago. If you look at the date in the upper left corner of the post you will see when it was posted.
Perhaps we can focus on answering exgirlfriend, who is brand new here and is asking a very good question.
Mike
p.s. yoohoo exgirlfriend, welcome to SoberRecovery and please pardon the confusion with the dates.
Perhaps we can focus on answering exgirlfriend, who is brand new here and is asking a very good question.
Mike
p.s. yoohoo exgirlfriend, welcome to SoberRecovery and please pardon the confusion with the dates.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Fluer -
I think this thread got bumped by a newcomer - not the OP.
That happens sometimes when a newbie searches a key word like "co-dependent" and responds to the thread.
Hopefully the OP is well on her way to recovery and peace.
Just FYI!
-TC
I think this thread got bumped by a newcomer - not the OP.
That happens sometimes when a newbie searches a key word like "co-dependent" and responds to the thread.
Hopefully the OP is well on her way to recovery and peace.
Just FYI!
-TC
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I am soooooo sorry. I deeply apologize. I felt my response may have been harsh to begin with. I think I may have woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.Honestly, I think I was triggered emotionally by this thread. I should be more mindful of my emotional state before hitting the reply button. I sincerely apologize. I hope I did not harm or deter anyone from my sharing.I am thankful something was said. Thank you.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove 
There's a great book (almost legendary on this forum) called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It has a ton of great tips, suggestions, exercises, etc. that will help you on your way. I got a lot out of a few counseling sessions with a therapist on the topic, too.....really paved the way for changing how I think. Good luck!
For me, the simple fact I had to ask if I was a "co" was a pretty good indication that I was, much like any drinker wonders if they are an alcoholic, normal drinkers never ask that question generally speaking.
If "someone else" is the problem it's a pretty good bet you may be a "Co"
eep (edit) just saw it was "bumped"
I was "magically cured" because Givelove waved her magic wand at me and said "I release you" three times
She only gets one of those every year so by reading the stickies, attending a 12 step program, seeking a therapist, and posting here were all helpful for me until she worked her "magic"
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This is a great post for me. I am going through the toxic love due to being a raging co-dependent. I hit the floor a few weeks ago with my codependent issues. I am living with a RA who I have taken all the issues out with and it has dredged up some things from soooooo far in my past and the fact that I never really settled the issues or understood them. I was married to an alcoholic for 18 years, went into a 3 year relationship with another A that turned out violent. I took some time off romatically to maybe find myself and make new friends; but still couldn't form any relationship with other people. I have been dating my current guy for one year and we have had a few minor ups and downs. I have just felt like I was losing my mind and accusing, thinking for him, etc (codie behaviour). After this last episode with him, I knew if I didn't want to blow this relationship I needed to identify what the heck was going on. I pulled out my book on CD Codependent No More and have listened to it twice over the last few weeks. It has been one the most eye-opening experiences I have felt and seen in such a long time. Just doing some of the exercises and actually listening to them talk about me has helped tremendously. It is hard work to make the changes but oh so needed in my life. Even my 14 year old son wants to hang with me more; so we bake and talk and do stuff. I know this is just the pink cloud right now, but hearing all that stuff really made me want to change and continue on the road to recovery. I started attending Al-Anon last April and went up until August. I really misunderstood some of the stuff and when I went to make friends they seemed even more toxic to me. I was going about it all wrong. The way I feel everyday with the progress and more self worth is GOLD. I am planning on going back to Al-Anon with a better attitude and a more open mind. I hope this will help someone in search of answers. If you are ready to listen and open your mind you can move mountains and find serenity. Its hard work changing all the behaviours but well worth it.
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Hi Exgirlfriend, Another book that helped me understand my role in the alcohol problem of my XAH (x-alcoholic husband) was "How Alanon Works". My library had it and parts of the book had me wondering if the author had been peeking in my windows and writing about me and my family! Very eye-opening for me.
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A guy at a social gathering ask if someone knew the definition of a co-dependent... someone told him....If your about to die and somebody else's life flashes before your eyes your a co-dependent...I thought it was kind of funny... I guess I was one of the few co-dependents in the room! LOL...
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