Obsessing, Depressed.

Old 12-17-2008, 10:30 AM
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Obsessing, Depressed.

weve been broken up for 7 months. but,we go to all the same places, listen to the same music, and have all the conversations we had- only hes not here! I just think about him and im constantly reminded of him. he still takes up the mental space.

im obsessed with:
what i did
why he did but no longer seems to love me
whether he is or is going to find someone who is going to make him happier who he is going to be a better man for
why it would or wouldnt work in the future

even though most days i think, was it that bad and surely- it was not as bad as the past 7 months of depression/hell that ive been going through and the result of that (failing school, having ambivolance towards the band and maybe quitting, feeling hopeless, being sad and angry at myself all- and i do mean all the time... then i get emotionally exhausted and cant do anything).

my therapist said the only way i could be so sad was to obsess about it, and i know shes right.


ive tried to set a side time to obess and move on, as recommended- but that just makes me sadder.

does anyone have any tips or suggestions how to get unstuck? how to not be so sad and miserable? i take medicine (doesnt seem to have been working and seems really irritating to keep switching about and waiting) and go to a therapist.

even in wanting to get back together with my alcolohic XBF i know i cant because i am depressed and dont love myself so i cant really date anyone. i just dont know how to change my thoughts or behavior.
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Old 12-17-2008, 10:55 AM
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Hey there,

I totally identify with much of what you said. For the first year after my xabf and i broke up, i was asking myself the same questions and feeling like a grade A idiot for allowing him to take up any space in my mind. I would recycle old conversations, imagine the showdowns i wanted to have in the future, and look back with total disbelief about what happened and how someone could treat another human being this way. All I can say by way of help, from my own experience, is that time is a great healer and to be patient with yourself in allowing that process to work. It isn't like a normal breakup, and if the A is unwilling or unable to engage about their behavior, you're left holding the pain of two people. But it does get better with time. Other things I found helpful -- trying to have no contact with the A (or the A's friends), as much as you may want to; exercising on a regular basis; and doing some traveling to get away from all the muck. Hang in there...
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Old 12-17-2008, 11:05 AM
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Nothing gets me out of the obsession like volunteering. I know Atlanta has a wonderful Children's Pediatric Hospital.
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Old 12-17-2008, 11:32 AM
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You are in control of your thoughts. I know that it feels like "you can't help it" sometimes, but you can.

I took a tip from someone here on SR (I wish I could remember who!) and wore a big rubber band around my wrist. Whenever I started obsessing, worrying, turning things over and over in my head, and generally making myself miserable, I'd give that band a big POP!
Bring myself back into Now. Into reality.

He's only taking up space in your head cause you haven't figured out how to kick him out yet. You'll figure it out.

I think that Denny's suggestion is a great idea, too. Nothing gets me out of my head quicker than doing something that needs doing, for someone who really needs it done.

Good luck, genrs.
-TC
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Old 12-17-2008, 11:36 AM
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It helps me to participate in something that takes a lot of my mental and physical energy. Also, being among friends in a fun atmosphere is good.

Playing in bands is one of the things that totally takes me somewhere else. If it does that for you as well, this might not be a good time to set it aside.

I journal and vent there when I need to. It's also helpful for me to read the entries I made while we were still together. I did that last night while feeling a little emotional and was quickly reminded of why things are as they are now.
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Old 12-17-2008, 11:38 AM
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123, I can identify with you in an intense way! I'd don't really know what to say I can't figure it out for myself! My emotions and moods are all over the place and nothing seems to be working out the way I think I want it too. I wish I had some words of wisdom and some helpfull advice yet i think I'M in just as much of a funk as you are.

Just keep your head up and smile even if you don't feel like it. Happy thoughts!!!
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Old 12-17-2008, 11:49 AM
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Genrs,

I have tried all kinds of meds and therapy over the years - with some success. But over a year ago, I started DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and it has (no exaggeration) been a "key" to creating a happy, successful life out of a cold dark hole. It is almost "taught" like a class, so not like typical therapy. (I liked that approach a lot.)

I was very skeptical at first. (Very!) But, I just can't begin to tell you all the ways it has impacted me. It has built on skills that I'd already acquired in other therapy. It's given me a framework within which to solve problems and filter my world. I also met 2 of my best girlfriends in my class! Really it was just like I took the reigns of my sad life and changed its direction.

Looks like Atlanta has a great program (http://atlantadbt.com/). Maybe check out the website and see what you think? I'd be very happy to answer questions if you want.

Hang in there! You are working so hard on this journey of yours. There is another side.

Big hug from a southern sis in NC!
TH
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Old 12-17-2008, 12:05 PM
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for me i quit going to all the places we went together, i lost everything when he left so i dont even live in the same place, when he first left i screamed and cried that i wanted my life back, but now my life and my "normal" doesnt include him, everything i do or am around , hes never been a part of, even my baby isnt anything to do with him cause hes never been there, the way my life is now has never included him so therefore i dont have those haunting memories of thinking about what we did or thinking about when he was here with me, its the best thing, i wont even listen to songs that we used to listen to together, i dont do anything that i would have done with him, ive just completely changed everything, kinda out of sight out of mind sort of thing
you had one kind of life with him and now is the time to make a different life that doesnt include him

im not real big on medicine myself, ive never taken them, i only take st john wort which is herbal and works for me but doesnt work for everyone, but ive watched my dad take those pills for probably the last ten years and hes changed them so many times and alot of them actually make you more depressed, and even now that hes finally found one that works hes more like a robot he has no highs or lows, my arm could fall off and he would just look and say get it out of the floor so the dog dont get it lol , even when he took me to the hospital he wasnt overly panicked , they just make you so numb

i like that rubber band idea though lol

it will get better hang in there
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Old 12-17-2008, 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by genrs123 View Post
does anyone have any tips or suggestions how to get unstuck? how to not be so sad and miserable? i take medicine (doesnt seem to have been working and seems really irritating to keep switching about and waiting) and go to a therapist.i just dont know how to change my thoughts or behavior.
Hi genrs:

I try to not label events in my life as good or bad. Life is what it is. There have been many times in my life where I thought that something was bad for me, but it turned out to be good for me. On the flip side, there were times I thought something was good for me and it turned out to be bad.

Secondly, I remind myself to detach from events in my life. Whatever I have in life, I will lose. Wealth, power, fame, beauty, youthfulness, are transitory so why be attached? As a result, I try to not get too excited about the good in life because I know it won't last. I am attached to the eternal one. Everything else is an illusion.

Peace.
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Old 12-17-2008, 01:36 PM
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Get up and get out, to places that are different, places that you didn't go to together. Like Denny said, maybe volunteer somewhere.
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Old 12-17-2008, 03:36 PM
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hi genrs!!

for me what works is this... obssess all you want.. do not fight it.. cry everyday and really live your longing and sadness. play ALL the music over and over. it really sucks but i hate it when i go out and talk about nonsense with others and cannot be there for them. so i have been a grinch just staying at home and crying my heart out because it is painful to mourn someone, to see them laughing everyday and know that while i am feeling this he is going at it with a girl living this wonderful life together forever and ever. so i just stopped thinking i should be happy and move on. well, not now. now i need time for myself and there is no timer.

when i no longer feel this, i will wake up, and go do other stuff with all my enthusiasm. just not now people. be patient with yourself. life sucks big time and will keep on sucking! guys suck and relations suck. as they said, reflect on the transient. we are going to live only a few more moments. he, them, are going to die someday too. they will not be missed, because an Alcoholics path leaves a trail of destruction that affects EVERYONE. but when WE pass away everyone will know we were TRUE and we were BRAVE!! and we got closer to real love, the one we can have for ourselves in these tough moments. not a staged bottled happiness whereby i "love" you and i am nice with you IF you support my ******* mental illness. ok i am just rambling, but we are with you. now pass the kleenex...
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Old 12-17-2008, 05:53 PM
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I would change my habits, the music I listened to, the plalces I go so that I am not doing things and going places that encourage the obessive thoughts. You can indeed change the way you think and feel by controlling your actions and behaviors.
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Old 12-17-2008, 07:31 PM
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I have written your very post (many times). I don't have concrete advice other than time is what it takes. I did start personal therapy and dove into the gym which seems to help. We broke up over a year ago and he lives down the street with his exgf that he married and she got pregnant a month after cheating on me. I know we weren't meant to be and i'm not going to tell you it doesn't hurt. I still think about him daily at some point and even saw him for the first time at the store. Each day your ex will take up less and less of your mental space but i can relate and time is the key. I also listed pros and cons and just looking at the list helped see the problems that would have ALWAYS been there.

I know it's a tough time of year for many of us. Just keep taking one day at a time and you WILL get there. I'm still getting there
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