catcrazy

I am on day 50 clean here, yea me!! I am working on me as much as I can. And I thank my higher power for today. BUT...I have a friend that was in rehab with me and he went home 7 hours away from me and called many times a day until a little over 2 weeks ago and then just stopped...I am very very concerned that he is using again, he was kicked out of the clean house he was in and had to go stay with relatives in active addiction and if it could go wrong it has. Something is wrong for him to have dropped out of sight like this and its either jail or his doc...I just want to know if he is ok , whether he is using or in jail doesnt matter to me...called his mom and she called his wife and that ended up with me being called back and reamed out for his wifes obvious complete misunderstanding of the situation..so I dont want to call again and cause him any more grief..where he is staying there is no phone, so I know although I have every number in the world for him that there isnt one I can reach him with....anyone have any brilliant ideas?? tried to have my best friend call but she wont do it, she doesnt want to talk to a stranger...wont go over all the crap I have done for her over the years..does anyone live in north carolina by chance? ah well maybe god will grant me a gift of a phone call since I have been so paitient thus far...and any help here would be greatly appreciated...
love and hugs
cat
=^^=

historyteach

Cat;
First, KUDOS on your clean time!
That's really fantastic, and you should be very proud of yourself!

But, to the issue. You've done what you can. Sometimes, we just have to let it go. When my son has gone out, and I haven't heard from him in a long time, I reason that no news is good news. And it always is. We cannot control it. Give it to G*D and focus on your own clean time. Trust me, our codie behaviors will make us as sick as the drugs do...

Be well...
Shalom!

REZ

I would recommend letting it go too. I'm sorrry your friend is AWOL. Everybody has to reach their own bottom. Don't let your friend take you down too. Your recovery is the most important thing. Nothing else matters more than that.

Done_With_It

Hey CC,

I'm not sure exactly what you were looking for either, but I have to agree with the other two here. Let go of the outcome.

Part of what is helping me right now is letting others do as they please. I even have some people mad at me right now because I can't be and do all I was when I did meth. My instinct is to run to everyone call them back, do what they need me to do for them, but I don't have the extra time now that I sleep,
and worrying about everything but myself is stressful. I'm not saying you are doing that, but just saying I can relate. If you stress about him, it's not going to change his path. Hopefully he will call you. IF he's back out using again,
that's sad... But you can't save him... It's a choice he has to make. And maybe it should be up to him to come to you for help.

But that's just my opinion. I will keep you both in my prayers.....

DWI

catcrazy

Thanks guys for the support..
it was confirmed he is homeless and using again..i cant even talk about it right now its a long story and unfortunately it hurts me too much to go thru right now..suffice it to say that i love him to death(bad pun there) and I was with him while he was clean and seeing what a mess he was going home to, and how much he wanted recovery..went home and the mess was daily, and unbelievable,and put on him the minute he got out of the car..he desperately wanted not to go back because he knew what environment he was going back to and he went for his son and to try to do the right thing and clean up his mess, but anyone who knew him at all knew it was a bad idea from the get go, he needed more than 30 days clean before anyone would be able to do that, with the wife using the baby as a way to manipulate him..she did that just to get him to marry her, and he wasnt clean then or when they got together, he got clean and said oh hell what have i done to myself in the past year..and it is easier to handle as we all know, using, especially when living with other active addicts...god help him he really has the most wonderful soul under all the hurt and now drugs again..he deserves so much more hopefully he will take it soon...he was so close...

cat

fuster

Focusing on people other than yourself when you are this early in recovery is using mental energy you cannot spare on useless tasks.

You have no control over your friend, and thinking you do (which is implied by your continued obsessive thinking about him) is what is going to put you where he is: using/drinking.

Fagetaboutit. You have to take care of your own recovery, not someone else's. You can make choices for your own life, and right now they are critical. If you are worried (or lonely) then please get yourself to another sober support group meeting. You are attending them, right? Get a sponsor, and talk to them about your obsessive thoughts about this person, have them work with you on a daily plan that includes your contacting the sponsor daily if you think about this person more than a few times a day. If necessary, sign a contract with your sponsor to call them if you find yourself thinking obsessively about this friend (meaning you worry more than 10 minutes a day about them without doing something to reduce that time in the future).

I pray for people when I am concerned for them. Every day. I put them on my written prayer list and make sure I pray for them. God takes care of the rest, and I don't worry about them. That works every time, guaranteed. If you don't do that then you believe you have more power than God over the situation.

catcrazy

Not sure why the responses I have gotten are a bit insulting to me, I didnt drop my brain out of my head so therefore I will think about my friends, and thats not obsessing..I mistakenly was venting to get it off my chest but that wont happen again..since ppl can make any assumptions they want and seem to end up being quite insulting..btw goto meetings very very often, daily at least. I also see a counselor and a psychiatrist and a psychologist. So believe me I get plenty of me time. And since I dont believe in God I guess I need to find a new place to go...

Done_With_It

Hey sweetie,

I can understand why you feel insulted. There is no crime in caring about your friend at all. I'm sorry if I came across like that.

I too care about all my friends and would be just as worried as you are.
I won't speak for anyone else here, my only concern was don't forget to take care of yourself first. I just read so many posts on the Naranon forum and have learned from them that it can be dangerous to worry about someone else. So my concern was just that you don't let your concern take away from you. I can see that it probably won't.

I think you are doing great. Don't go anyplace else. You are very welcome here.

I always say, Hear people, Listen to people, But don't be captive of their opinion.

So take what works for you, and kick the rest to the curb.

((((CatCrazy))))

bzlt

I KNOW YOUR FRIEND MAY BE USING OR IN TROUBLE AND TO HELP IS ALL FINE. BUT WITH ONLY 50 DAYS CLEAN YOU STILL NEED TO FOCUS ON YOUR RECOVERY. MAKE SURE YOU COME FIRST. HE WILL BE FINE I PROMISE AND IF HE IS USING........YOU CAN NOT STOP THAT. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. HANG IN THERE THINGS WILL BE FINE.

BRIAN D. ADDICT

Time2Surrender

Congrats on 50 days. Sorry about your friend. Unfortunately thats part of being in NA. The longer your around the more people you see go back out. Just remember the moment of silence for the addict who still suffers. I hope your friend finds their way back.

catcrazy

Thanks again for the logical comments! I appreciate them. I am still working on myself, I just get frustrated when ppl seem to forget that NA is supposed to be a live and let live and understanding community..as in the god of MY understanding..so having ppl order me about and question my integrity and my program without knowing a thing about me is a bit annoying to say the least....I did a month of very intenese rehab, went through the whole 12 steps there, yes I know it takes years to go through them but it was a crash course if you took advantage of what was offered and now I am able to work thru my own program at my speed with my sponsor who has been my best friend for 10 years, so it makes the whole thing alot easier as she knows me and doesnt have the pre judgement issues it seems many ppl have..not to mention she has knwn me clean for the first 8 and a half years, last year and a half I was using after finding how meds can make things seem better, after your home is destroyed by our friend Ivan and had to live like that for 9 months till our lease was up since the landlord wouldnt fix anything and still wanted full rent, yes its an excuse..but it was the straw that broke the camels back after being abused from age 1 to 17, in every way possible, then being ignored in my marriage for the last 8 years of the 17 we have been together..for some reason the stress brought out from Ivan all ties back with never getting over the first 17 years of hell..It is also a fact that every professional I have seen over the last 5 years had said that I have amazing coping skills that I had to learn very young, and most ppl would be dead by now and never have been able to be as normal as I am,even as an addict...have 17 years of experience dealing with additcion, as I have been addicted to nurmerous things before, food , shopping, rescuing animals..etc..Regardless I hate to think any newcomer would be talked down to by anyone in or near any kind of NA community..ppl make themselves look really ignorant by doing such..and of course I realize that I can NOT make my friend want to recover...however it makes me ill to think of the whole situation, he wanted recovery and was working very hard and doing well. We had the same counselor in rehab, I saw her this week and she said oh no suprise he went back to using since he returned to that environement , it is such a BAD situation to live in, her words not mine. Well that pissed me flat off because she KNEW what would happen and didnt make the arrangements he needed help making for a halfway house or the suboxone treatment that was recommended and then stopped cold turkey the day he left rehab, talk about setting someone up to fail..So as an intelligent person who has been around a block or two in my time I would love to be able to talk to him just once to see what he is thinking, and to make sure he realizes that as hopeless as it seems there is hope and help if he will get it...he just doesnt want to leave his baby although he admits that he does the baby no good being high..so if thats selfish or whatever I dont care, I love him and want him to live..clean ...I cant make him but who is anyone to say that something I could say in a 5 minute conversation wont smack him upside his head and make the proverbial light bulb go on again..not to mention who wouldnt be horrified at the lack of compassion and concern he has had from his family and then the damn counselor, who's job it was to help him...they had him clean and let him go without doing a damn thing..sorry so long, just wanted to set the record straight..
hope everyone is doing well tonite!! I am going back to selling off my collection of kitties on ebay tonite gotta pay off some things I screwed up prior to my climbing out of that pill bottle..
love and hugs
Cat

fuster

Thanks for trashing me and others who gave you honest advice after you asked for it. You even condemn the entire forum because you decided you were ordered to believe in God. When folks don't like the advice they first accuse rather than look at themselves and how they can change how they respond to it. Everyone has a right to state what they think. No one is ordering anyone else on this site to do anything. Where are the words that say that in any of the advice given? Show me. People gave you advice based on their own experiences and what works for them. How is that "ordering you around"? Where are the demanding words ordering you around? Somehow you have gone from asking for help to telling everyone else here the meaning of what they said and why they said it. Recovery is a reflective process, not one of blaming others because things don't go the way you expect them to go. Healthy recovery is knowing things don't always go as you expect but finding healthy ways to respond to the situations that bother you, not attack people over it. And now you say thinking about your friend's situation makes you "ill". That is a barometric indicator of your own recovery, that something is not working. Try to think about that concept for a few days and see if you come up with what YOU have to do with your getting ill. Good luck with your recovery program. It is amazing how easy recovery gets when you are not defensive toward others.

Your friend has the responsibility for his own recovery, and you can't trash the counselor or the treatment center unless you know everything that transpired from the counselor's side of things. That is confidential and you will never know that infomation, so it is extremely unfair (convenient, yes, but unfair) to blame them for your friend's travails.

Done_With_It

Hey Cat,

Good to see you again. I am sorry about your friend, that sucks.
I know it's hard to watch a friend relapse.


You are doing great.

Keep up the good work and I'll be praying for both you and your
friend.



Have a great "Oscar" day. lol, If your into that. I am.......


DWI

catcrazy

Hey DWI! [/FONT]
Glad to see you also! Hope today is another great day for you!!

Fuster,
You know what for some reason I let your words bring out the very worst in me...no idea why, and yes that is my fault and an issue of mine..I can admit when I am wrong..I apologize if your perception is that I trashed everyone, again I say venting is vventing and online it is very hard to completely judge what one person is saying, without facial expressions, laughs or frowns that would normally occur during the conversation..those things can temper even what is perceived as very negative stuff online..
As far as saying a situtation makes me "ill" its a freaking expression and I am sure that you have heard it before, I didnt mean I am vomitting and lying on my deathbed..and the funny thing is that all the things you say I did in my posts, "telling everyone else here the meaning of what they said and why they said it"
please look at what you are saying to me..you perceive that I am doing what I perceive you are doing...we could go around in circles daily over that ...its all perception, and how each individual perceives every word...especially online..period...I was offeneded by your post specifically yes...none of the others, but I was trying not to pick on you in specific terms..everyone has something to add of value to life in general, we can sure agree on that..live and let live..
As far as the rehab and counselor, again your perception of what happened in that rehab that month I was there because of what you know of other rehabs does not mean that it is what happens in all rehabs..I can tell you that my perception, and I am being overly cautious now to emphasize that I am trying to understand everyones point of view without being defensive..but MY perception of that rehab and what happened when I was there, believe me unprofessional doesnt even come close to it..privacy and confidentiality are words that one hopes to see in such situations, but I can offer you proof that that is not the case everywhere all the time, and some ppl do not do as they are required by law etc..
You said

Quote:

"Your friend has the responsibility for his own recovery, and you can't trash the counselo[/CENTER]r or the treatment center unless you know everything that transpired from the counselor's side of things. That is confidential and you will never know that infomation, so it is extremely unfair (convenient, yes, but unfair) to blame them for your friend's travails."

And I know I can not shove recovery down anyones throat, I get it, really..but we have all sure wanted to at some point in time, in some way do whatever we could to get the horse to the water and make it drink the damn water..LOL..
However please understand I am not attacking your perception because perception is always correct to the person that sees it that way, thats why its their perception..BUT really you do give entirely too much credit to the rehab, they are not all good all the time, I dont really feel like going through all the serious problems there were there, and I mean legally and ethically major issues regardless of perceptions, but I would think that you are basing your opinion of what I have blamed on the counselor and rehab on your experiences in the past..logical, and please dont think I am being nasty but I was there and my experiences are very different from what would be the norm and correct for such situations, I worked through it with my psychologist and psychiatrist and there are issues they had to get as much info about and are addressing the ethical and legal matters through the correct channels..so it is a much more severe situation than just me being a nut..I promise..

At any rate I want to THANK EVERYONE for taking the time to help me in the best way that they could, and I apologize to any I offended and very seemingly smacked down their advice as something negative..I am really a very rational chic sometimes..LOL forgive me when I am not..

EVERYONE have a great productive or non productive and relaxing Sunday!!!


LOVE&HUGS
Cat

VerucaSalt115

Hey everyone - new to this board. Been in recovery little over 4 years and have experienced many blessings and losses along the way.

Cat - so sorry to hear about your friend. Unfortuneately, one of the realities of our disease is relapse and the three places it'll take us: Jails, Institutions and Death. The best you can do is focus on your recovery and hope for the best. It was once told to me that being around people who use will get me using before it'll get them clean (and that's true whether you have 50 days or 50 years clean), so I do hope you stay away from your friend until he's back in recovery. You said that you don't believe in God, but, I do, so, I'll be praying for you and your friend - which, in my experience is the best thing to do for others sometimes.

Deana K

catcrazy

Thank you Deana, although I dont have a religious claim to make I will always appreciate anyone who takes the time to remember me in their prayers...but truly my friend needs them more than I do..however I am not around my friend and the stipulation is that he must be clean to be around me, so I do not have to worry about that. He knows and thats why I havent heard from him, double edged sword.

EVERYONE, AGAIN, HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!

I have to get off this dang computer and clean today..yuck!!

Correction..my 14 yr old daughter has conviced me we need to go to the dog show for the afternoon!! Since it will not be around for months again, so we are going to clean much later this afternoon, and its a beautiful day out, 70 and sunny! Get out into the sun anyone feeling blah that always helps!!BTW my daughter has taken a liking to the NA meetings so even though I have gone to 32 or so since I got out of rehab on Feb 2 she wants to go to every one , yesterday we did 2..so its bringing us closer and really helping her learn alot also..good news for the day!!She has come around 100 percent from not even speaking to me when I came home..my friend did that for me when he had a heart to heart with her while he was clean..