IrshIzNotSmilin

that has turned me inside out. A little background. When I was 11 my parents were going through a divorce. My dad had a girlfriend and I found out via my mom. I was so angered by my dad's actions and would not speak to him for weeks... then my mother left ..she told me she was going to her cousin (Canada) for a few days and left me with family friends.. my dad would stop in at nite but never took me out or took me home.. mom never called.. I cried nite after nite and became so skinny that my bones showed through my skin from grieving. I had to beg the woman they left me with to call her and she would get on the phone and act as if something was wrong with me that i was worried about where she was...oh she was having a good time and her cousin was taking good care of her blah, blah... Update to now.... 31 years later... on Super Bowl Sunday my H says we are going to dinner at his cousins ..it is 2 hours from our house.. ok so 1 mile from their house he says " Oh I talked to P and he said he wanted to take me to his favorite hang out Andy's Bar... oh okay I say ... duh deer in headlights... we get there have some snacks, I drank mineral water, and they go to the bar .. I didn't think much at the moment .. I don't know why I didn't but I didn't .. and as they go to leave P's wife says to P as he and my H are out the door and I am in the kitchen.. what time will you both be back P says 6pm THAT WAS 3 HOURS FROM THAT TIME OH MY GOD OK SO NOW I WAS PEEVED... OOOOD I was also in a panic I have a social anxiety prob and this did not help I don't know her that well and now my H will come home not sober and with his cousin not sober and she is drinking gin and tonics great!! She says OH I thought we'd watch a movie blah blah which she spoke all the way through .. and I am frightened , angry, scared, uncomfortable and it hits me in front of the tv.... YOU HAVE BEEN SET UP... you see he didn't go out for our whole marriage of 8 months ... he has been a good boy... hah... we had other episodes... I could go on but I digress,,, so they arrive back drunk and with more beer and we eat I choke and I say nothing I do nothing and I clean up and we have irish coffees them not me I am the designated driver and then we go home. I drive. He argues with me about that. I drive. Two hours home in the dark and I am a bad nite driver. We get home AH says " Why are you so mad" he slept it off in the car somewhat.... " Why am I mad" YOU ####@@@@@####### LEFT ME WITH HER####@@@@ AND I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE YOU BROKE OUR AGREEMENT FOR ME NOT TO BE PUT IN AN UNCOMFORTABLE ENVIRONMENT....NEXT DAY... IT HITS ME MOM LEFT ME I LOVED HER TOO AND DAD LEFT AND I LOVED HIM TOO AND MY FIANCE LEFT AND I LOVED HIM TOO AND YOU LEFT ME TODAY AND I LOVE YOU THE MOST.... OH I have not recovered usually i bounce back but i can't and we go to the counsellor and i can't i feel like a chunk of my gut has been ripped out and he got me the new watch and flowers and paid for this and that and a new car ( yeah he can) and i am unmoved.. it doesn't phase me ... i am numb.. i am hurt.. i am scared.. confused and depressed i hurt and I love him.

Cynay

Hey Irish.....


Im so sorry your struggling so much, you said something about going to a councelor ... do you have someone you work with regarding the Phobia.

It is not a comfortable situation at all... Im sure of that one, what kinda of agreement did you and H have about this?

IrshIzNotSmilin

The agreement Cynay was that when he is "under the influence" that he would not go off at parties, or in the house with guests, such as "disconnecting" from me so much. I feel when he drinks tooo much in one evening and we are with others or alone that he disconnects and I can't take the disconnect. I do take meds for the phobia but it is still a gut reaction the fear is still there that if he is sooooooo out of it and he has been and he doesn't listen and acts like a a** then I can't take it at all. I have never been around this and I get sooooo freaked out when he is tooooo farrr goneeee.. thanks for your reply, I am just so disillusioned and I keep feeling throughout my life that if I make that investment in love it just comes up zero. Zero return in the trust department. Trust is really the issue I now really feel like I can't trust again and I really love him and he has shown me I felt that he loves me back. I never had that affection back until I met him and fell in love with him and now I feel like I was fooled and he will tell me up down and sideways he won't put me in that situation again but I don't know that?

megamysterioso

I'm sorry this is happening to you and I feel VERY empty and angry inside just as you do. My AH has broken soooooo many promises to me in the puney 3 1/2 years that we've been together which is why my respect, trust and therefore, LOVE for him no longer exists. I love him as a human, but not the way a wife supposed to love a husband. I have nothing left to give. My thoughts are with you.