mallowcup

I just had an anniversary (9th) and a birthday, Today was Valentines Day. Each Morning started off great with cards and kisses. Lots of I love you's. Nice nice nice. Every evening turned into a drunken caustic pout by him, with him sitting in the bedroom in the dark babbling. I just had a decade birthday and they say that decade birthdays(20, 30 40, 50) you reassess your life. I am sick of the negativity. If he's working he hates everyone he works with. If he isn't working , he's drinking and trash talks everyone at the bar. * years ago his son left his dog here and we've taken care of it. My son got a dog that wasn't allowed at his apt, a sweet little female, my husband forbids it to stay. My oldest son will be married this Spring and my daughter-in law- to be asked me to help with some wedding favors. We went to work on them today enjoying the day. My husband came home bagged from the bar and went right into the bedroom. After she left, he came out to tell me to take the female dog to my sons and while we are at it, we aren't baby sitting when "they" have kids. Why are you haivng to make those stupid wedding favors? Is it your wedding? I told him to shut up! I'm sick of his ranting! This behavior is starting to embarrass me. I was thrilled and falttered that I was asked to contribute. My husband is moved to tears when listening to certain pastors on TV when he's sober and the most hateful person when he drinks. The dog is dumb! I said well. God never mentioned an IQ when he puts one of his creatures in our care! I love that little dog. I love the dog his son left too. That dog has been sitting by the door waiting for the little female to come home, he just looks up at me. It breaks my heart that the happiness and the family I have been able to patch together has to be ruined by him. My daughter in law to be was adopted and she is hypersensative to his comments and behaviors. I love her dearly and the son she is marrying is a doll. I'm afraid he is going to break their hearts. We all went to his sons wedding last Spring and he is a doll too. He just divorced after 6 months of marriage and we all went all out to support his broken heart for a cheating wife. It's exhausting being the rock for our three boys. My father died a year ago and I feel overwhelmed that this is the man in my life. My mother is old and a mess and I have to make life as worry free for her as I can so I have that penciled in everyday. The first question everyone asks me when they see I'm upset is, " Is he drinking today?" Everyday the anwser is yes. For years I have been paralized with fear that he will have another car accident , kill himself or get really sick from the drinking. Now, I think God when is this going to stop? Thanks for letting me vent. What's my question? Well, I want that little female dog, how do I get it without listening to him bitch? I want my mother to feel safe, how do I make that happen when I'm crying or in a foul mood everyday? I'm having a hard time keeping it tigether at work, he's isolating me, he's telling me what I can and can't have, he's embarrassing me into compliance. Do I just tell the kids he's an alcoholic and show them by example he won't dictate my life?

mallowcup

My kids were devasted to lose their grandfather, the truth is they may lose their grandmother by Spring. She hasn't done well since my father died. I see the way they look to me and at me differently since my fathers death. It has occurred to me and them that I won't be here forever. I want them to remeber me laughing , not crying.

Kellye C

(((((((( Mallowcup )))))))))) I can really feel and relate to the pain you are expressing. I lived with my second husband who was an abusive alcoholic. He was nice when sober and hateful to everyone when drunk which was pretty much every day. He was jealous of my kids and tried to isolate me from all my family and friends. He went so far as to move me to another state the day after I got out of the hospital from MAJOR surgery and then got pissed at me when I ended up back in the hospital with a major post-op infection. We had only been married a couple of months when that happened and when he threw his wedding ring at me in the ER I just lost it.

Things progressed and instead of me being able to "fix" things as I thought I could they just got worse. He became meaner and meaner to me and my son. I lost my daughter as she moved in with her dad because she couldn't stand being around him.

I tolerated this for a year and then I had enough and moved back home. I came to realize that I couldn't change him and I had to get away from him or kill him. The idea of prison didn't appeal so I left.

I don't know what to tell you. Only you can weigh the pros and cons and decide what is best for you but under no circumstances let his bad behavior keep you from being close to your kids and mom. Do what makes you happy and let him stew in his own misery. He IS miserable and he is trying to make you miserable as well. You know what they say about misery loving company. If you have to visit the kids away from him to protect them from his awfulness then so be it but I'd sure let him know WHY I was spending more time away.

I am probably not one to give advice on this but my heart just broke when I read what you wrote as I could SO relate to it.

Hopefully this will be followed by posts from people more experienced in how to deal with this and we can all learn something.

In the meantime, hold your head up and do what is best for YOU and YOURS.

Hugs,
Kellye

mallowcup

Thank you, that's why I posted. The worst part of it is thinking no one knows what I feel. I know they do. My sons aren't little, they are young men. I have minimized my husbands drinking becasue they hate to see thier mother cry or be mistreated. They wouldn't forgive him. My step son loves me. He always feels the need to compensate for his father. His own mother died when he was 4. He doesn't remember her. My step son doesn't say so but I know that when I entered his fathers life, he felt free to live his own life. He moved to another state, largely because of his fathers drinking. I have to be strong for many people but mostly my sons and my mother. I'm stronger it seems without a drunk in tow. Then there are the mornings where all hope is new again.

Pick-a-name

I know how you feel,too. Sending you a big hug! I'm glad you have those nice sons,etc.....but know what you mean about the crankiness or worse ("tyrant" comes to mind). Take care and keep enjoying your life despite him.

best

Yes they will....IF he finds recovery and gains back their trust and respect.
I had teen sons forgive me and started showing respect like never before (brought about because of my changes through recovery)

You need to find some boundaries and stick with them. Women are to respect their husbands.
A form of respect is...Give him, HIS issues to deal with. Respect him enough to say...they are your issues, keep them out of my path way and deal with them as I know you can and should.

Many look at respect as a positive reply brought about because of good behavior. Respect is more then that. It is allowing another to make mistakes and grow from them or holding them accountable (boundaries) for their own behavior.
His issues....place them in his lap and let him deal with them.

quietsins

You mentioned a dog that he doesnt want around.

You mentioned an older mother who might need someone to make her days a bit brighter.

Do you think maybe Mom might like the dog? My elderly grandmother loved the small dog she had.

just a thought.
quietsins

Miss Tennessee

Hi Mallowcup,
I used to try and minimize my husbands drinking also. I don't anymore because your just enabling him. If these children are adults or close to it, they need to see him for what he really is. However, I think you can help them understand his behavior by educating them on alcoholism. Maybe at some point he will make a big enough fool of himself to do something about it. Providing he won't hurt the dog, I would just go get it. As long as he doesn't have to be responsible for it, it nothing to him. You are allowing him to control you. You need to give that up. I too live with a negative alcoholic husband. I let him ramble, because he doesn't really care what I think he just wants to start an argument. Don't fall into that trap. I let mine talk and just don't respond. He will eventually shut up.