denny57

I have been NC with my AH for a little over 3 months. My NC has included not wanting to hear anything about him, even info from third parties on how he is doing, etc. I usually just ask the other person to respect my desire to not know. This is what works for me in my recovery.

The past few days a couple of our mutual friends have told me he is "not doing well." Then they kinda look at me like what are you going to do about it? One of these friends in particular I have asked more than once to not keep me informed.

Has anyone else handled things this way? I don't really want to start cutting off my friends; is that the only way?

best

I have been in such a situation but not to the degree that involved drugs or alcohol. My answer to others was... If you want to try and fix it, go ahead but be forwarned...It can't be fix. Some people just need learn things the hard way. They either accept that what you tell them is truth or they learn the hard way...that what you tell them...was truth.

ICU

If my friends didn't respect my request, I would start wondering about the definition of, and my choice of friends. But, let's allow for some human error and lack of knowledge on their part!

They probably are operating out of concern for your AH, and as such, are trying to be 'good friends' and trying to figure out how to help, or, at least are just expressing concern! That is an admirable quality. However, what they don't understand is that it is up to 'him' to get help; it's not up to anyone else. All of us here have struggled with that concept too and some point in time.

I would just let them know that there are so many places for your AH to seek help, but until he admits he has a problem, short of locking him up in a room against his will, there is NOTHING you or they can do to help him!! Then, re-emphasize to them that you would appreciate them respecting your wishes, and not bring him up to you again. Tell them that you requested this before, and you hope this is the last time that you have to remind them! Then change the subject!

Cap3

Acceptance,is the key.There will always be well meaning friends who will probably inform you about him,because maybe in your past you have helped him?We teach others how we want to be treated by our own actions.It takes time,to teach others,that we have changed,what or how we reacted in the past,has changed.Teaching others new ways in which we want to be treated.Thing is,im thinking that what you avoid will always come back.Until all the feelings are brought to light,and you can actually heal inside,,all that your thinking/feelings about him.I have done this also.When i have had to remove myself,from another.Felt it best for my own recovery.Thing is,that either i heard about this person,which brought up all old feelings in me,or somehow,their name was mentioned.I had to deal,with all my own feelings/thoughts about my issues with them.So i went through steps 4-5,getting to,my own, roots and causes.,of things going on inside of me.I was the problem,not them.Today,its all ok,to hear about them,even seeing them time to time.It all has no effect on me,like it use to.As long as i was avoiding,they had control.But once i started,to, use recovery tools,that power that i gave them ,was over.Got it back,to me.No longer passing the strings to my life over to them.its in my ball court,now.And this gives me freedom,working through my own issues.In this way,i dont have to demand anything from others to not do or say this or that,to me.I cant control others,no matter how i try.Acceptance is da key...To each their own.Do whats best for you.
Thanks for letting me share,
God Bless,and