sab929

The hardest thing for me to deal with regarding my alcoholic husband is his denial of the problem. I used to think that if I could convince him and get him to admit that he has a problem, that the problem would be solved. Surely once someone realizes they have a drinking problem, they would want to fix it. Who would want to admit to that problem and just "live with it". Unfortunately, it is not that easy. My husband has admitted that he has a problem but continues to repeat the same behavior. A lot of the messeges I have read on this board refer to spouses or loved ones attending AA meetings. My husband never has and so far will not even consider it. What can I do?

OkayWithMyself

The first stage of change is "precontemplation". He does not yet consider changing, doesn't see a problem (others do), will not seek treatment without coersion.
What to do: Build a trust, establish rapport, empathy. Plant seeds, raise doubt, express concerns. Involve concerned others, raise person's conscious awareness.

The second stage of change is "contemplation". He considers he has a problem, but is undecided.....may seek an objective opinion.
What to do: Avoid confrontation, screaming, etc. Point out positive and negative consequences, highlight self-motivational statements, help him get in touch with his feelings.

If this fails, detach yourself from the situation the best you can and take care of yourself. If it works, he will then begin the preparation stage, and then the action stage.

Good luck to you.
I am grateful you posted your message.

matters

Denial is the biggest issue sometimes. It is easier to point the finger at someone and something else!

My husband never wanted to admit he had a problem because he used to say" I am not an alcoholic. Alcoholics have to wake up and start drinking and drink all day long." Over the years he has come to admit that he does have a problem and now goes to AA meetings. He is still drinking, but I have seen a change that he wants help and that is a positive move in the right direction. At first he would only go to meetings when the court ordered him. He continues to struggle with the disease. It is so much more involved then saying you have a problem, admit it and get help!
My husband recently was sober for 9 days and then drank again.
Yesterday he was sober and so far today.I continue to pray for him. He has to want it for himself.

You can not force him to get help but you can help yourself!!!

I will pray that your husband will seek help,and that you will find peace here with us!
matters

Daffodil

Hugs to all of you; I've been a working gratiful member of Al-Aon for a good many years now and I am powerless to do any thing EXCEPT get to meetings, get a sponsor and work the 12 steps...the only way I can be of any help to anyone (let alone those I love) is to get HEALTHY myself...Alcoholism is a family disease....It affects the whole family....I am an adult child of alcoholics, but I took all the "isms" with me when I left and got married...Now Al-Anon has given me a whole new box of tools for living life differently. I know in my heart that my parents gave the best they knew how, it just didn't work for them and didn't work for me...At 45 I was at the end of my rope...Al-Anon showed me first how to tye a knot to hold on to and then gave me a whole new way to live my life...

Please give yourself the gift of going to meetings...

Keep coming back if for no other reason than to tell us of your victories in recovery...

kimmy20

I don't really think there is anything that you can do. An alcoholic has to be the one to choose to get better. Hopefully, he will make that choice soon enough. After my father started drinking again after rehab he told my mother that in rehab he learned there is heavy drinkers and alcoholics. So, now he thinks that he is just a heavy drinker and not an alcoholic. Unless, they truly believe that they have a serious problem they will not be able to get better. Take care & God Bless.

sugar52

dear sab and all,
from what i've learned the best way i can sum it up is the phrase,
i didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it."
whenever i want to obsess on what i can do, thinking about this helps me detach a little and prayer helps.
sab, hope you can go to a alanon meeting and get some reading materials. you can't change him or even want it for him. you can change you and how you react to the attitudes and behaviors of this illness. god bless
and hugs from sugar

osier59

Sab,
You cant do anything to get your A to attend AA. Each has to decide if and when its right for him or her. What I know is this: that you can find serenity, peace and even happiness in Al Anon whether the alcoholic continues to drink or not. That is part of the closing that is read at every al anon meeting in my area.

Al Anon teaches us to keep the focus on ourselves and our program of recovery. It also teaches us that as we work OUR program, the family situation can and will improve. In a more practical sense, al anon gives you something positive to focus on and spend time thinking about, instead of what the A is doing or not doing.

I hope you find a meeting that works for you. You can also find a lot of good advice - experience, strength and hope- here on the forum boards.

HUGS to you
Osier59

openseason

Sab: Have you stopped all your enabling behavoirs? If you cannot change the alcoholic then change yourself. For instance dont pick up the pieces as the alcoholics life falls apart. Make no more excuses for the alcoholic. One crisis too many may be the straw that breaks the alcoholics denial and gets him to seek help. The only exception if he intends to drive drunk then you have to stop that, otherwise let him suffer all the effects of his drinking. I think he told you he admits his problem is just to get you to shut up. He is probably still in denial. My father for instance never even admitted he drank at all, and my mother enabled him, not even aware she was doing it.