Why is it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Why is it?
That a person with an addiction usually cannot see they have any sort of problem? Or do they see that they have a problem but just dont want to admit it?
In this past year I have been floating on both sides of this fence. My X-A and I split almost 4 years ago. We have a 9 year old daughter together. In that hell I endured with him, once I came here and got help, I learned and started to work on me. I lost over 100 pounds and transformed literally my life for my daughter and I, for the better. But some how, some where this past year I had some weak spots. I got stubborn about my weight loss, always just wanting to loose those last 30lbs. I got into some unhealthy relationships here and there. But never really lost sight of me. Then my X-A dies this past October, taking me on a ride I am still not sure when it will end. As I sit here at home, stealing a few minutes of free time I can even begin to express how sick I feel, literally disgusted at myself that I have allowed myself to ge into my situation.
I became depressed when he passed for all the reasons of old memories surfacing, emotions I had pinned up and put away, etc etc. Plus dealing with my daughters greif. I began to date this man who I enjoyed spending an evening with here and there, for drinking and finding an escape. Well my escape turned into drinking almost every night. Then I find myself allowing him to move in, this makes me sick. He has no job, zero motivation, and has one hell of a drinking and marijuanna addiction. I found out two weeks ago I am pregnant. I have so many thoughts going through my head on most moments in the day that I am just glad to go to sleep at night.
I havent been drinking, or anything harmful at all. That has been fine. But I stare an addict in the beautiful face everyday that I come home. I know where Ive been, I use to know where I wanted to go and be. Yes, a part of me wants a loving wonderful family. But a healthy family, where someone isnt looking for their next high. I have walked that long ugly road, I dont want to walk it, ever, ever again.
I do care about this man a whole lot, wouldve have even said at one time I thought i loved him, until the drinking and using I was doing has stopped for me, and I stare him and this whole sick cycle in the face every single day, day after day. I am afraid. I am sared. But I thank god, I truly do. For the simple process of having hindsight. I just don't know how to stand back up you all, I just don't. One of the sickest things to me you all in this world, is walking around with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, and the reason behind it, is you.
I am scared, and truly cant beleive how many thousands of millions of steps I have taken backwards.
In this past year I have been floating on both sides of this fence. My X-A and I split almost 4 years ago. We have a 9 year old daughter together. In that hell I endured with him, once I came here and got help, I learned and started to work on me. I lost over 100 pounds and transformed literally my life for my daughter and I, for the better. But some how, some where this past year I had some weak spots. I got stubborn about my weight loss, always just wanting to loose those last 30lbs. I got into some unhealthy relationships here and there. But never really lost sight of me. Then my X-A dies this past October, taking me on a ride I am still not sure when it will end. As I sit here at home, stealing a few minutes of free time I can even begin to express how sick I feel, literally disgusted at myself that I have allowed myself to ge into my situation.
I became depressed when he passed for all the reasons of old memories surfacing, emotions I had pinned up and put away, etc etc. Plus dealing with my daughters greif. I began to date this man who I enjoyed spending an evening with here and there, for drinking and finding an escape. Well my escape turned into drinking almost every night. Then I find myself allowing him to move in, this makes me sick. He has no job, zero motivation, and has one hell of a drinking and marijuanna addiction. I found out two weeks ago I am pregnant. I have so many thoughts going through my head on most moments in the day that I am just glad to go to sleep at night.
I havent been drinking, or anything harmful at all. That has been fine. But I stare an addict in the beautiful face everyday that I come home. I know where Ive been, I use to know where I wanted to go and be. Yes, a part of me wants a loving wonderful family. But a healthy family, where someone isnt looking for their next high. I have walked that long ugly road, I dont want to walk it, ever, ever again.
I do care about this man a whole lot, wouldve have even said at one time I thought i loved him, until the drinking and using I was doing has stopped for me, and I stare him and this whole sick cycle in the face every single day, day after day. I am afraid. I am sared. But I thank god, I truly do. For the simple process of having hindsight. I just don't know how to stand back up you all, I just don't. One of the sickest things to me you all in this world, is walking around with a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, and the reason behind it, is you.
I am scared, and truly cant beleive how many thousands of millions of steps I have taken backwards.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 528
You don't have to continue to take the steps that are leading you back to a place you do not want to be. Perhaps you realize that you do not belong there any longer. If you look at it that way, then maybe you can give yourself some space to be human. At least you KNOW you are doing it. Remember the days you were at that place and didn't even realize it? Be kind to yourself and don't let this be a reason for you to stay stuck.
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
((( bonbon )))
First of all, welcome back! I have thought of you from time to time and wondered how you were.
The thing about our program of recovery is that it is ongoing. You learned so much... and you knew where to come when you slipped!
This is how I view my recovery :
Sometimes I am on level ground, some times I am climbing up a steep hill, sometimes I am like a child rolling down a grassy hill, giggling all the way. I know that there are others on this journey with me, and we are all at different places... but we are all moving forward (most of the time) at our own pace. Once in awhile I am just in the same area, pacing back and forth, not moving forward or backward, just pacing. Other times I go back to a place I have been before. Eventually I remember that I have been there before, and that I need to keep moving forward.
Lately I have tumbled a** over end all the way to the bottom. I am discouraged, I think I lost a shoe on the way down, I have grass stains on my butt and brambles in my hair. I cry, and I feel very lost and alone.
The GOOD news is that there are others there. They know me and they understand my journey. They pick me up, brush me off, give me a BIG hug and take my hand. Slowly but surely, we start walking again. I may look over my shoulder from time to time, but they are there to guide me.
We aren't alone in our journey, Bonbon. Others have gone before us and they are lighting the way.
Let's go forward, you and me. I'll hold your hand thru the scary parts if you'll hold mine.
Hugs and love,
Barb
First of all, welcome back! I have thought of you from time to time and wondered how you were.
The thing about our program of recovery is that it is ongoing. You learned so much... and you knew where to come when you slipped!
This is how I view my recovery :
Sometimes I am on level ground, some times I am climbing up a steep hill, sometimes I am like a child rolling down a grassy hill, giggling all the way. I know that there are others on this journey with me, and we are all at different places... but we are all moving forward (most of the time) at our own pace. Once in awhile I am just in the same area, pacing back and forth, not moving forward or backward, just pacing. Other times I go back to a place I have been before. Eventually I remember that I have been there before, and that I need to keep moving forward.
Lately I have tumbled a** over end all the way to the bottom. I am discouraged, I think I lost a shoe on the way down, I have grass stains on my butt and brambles in my hair. I cry, and I feel very lost and alone.
The GOOD news is that there are others there. They know me and they understand my journey. They pick me up, brush me off, give me a BIG hug and take my hand. Slowly but surely, we start walking again. I may look over my shoulder from time to time, but they are there to guide me.
We aren't alone in our journey, Bonbon. Others have gone before us and they are lighting the way.
Let's go forward, you and me. I'll hold your hand thru the scary parts if you'll hold mine.
Hugs and love,
Barb
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Originally Posted by bonbon
Then I find myself allowing him to move in, this makes me sick. He has no job, zero motivation, and has one hell of a drinking and marijuanna addiction. I found out two weeks ago I am pregnant.
You are pregnant, and the father is someone you don't feel you can rely on. At a time when a woman most needs the strength of her partner, you will probably not be getting any help or support from him. You also have issues with your own (food and substance) addiction. You are also probably suffering from depression. (you mentioned this in a previous post)
The fact that you are pregnant means that your body will be on a roller coaster ride of hormones for the next nine months, plus months after the baby is born, for your hormones to return to normal. Your issues with depression, and addiction, complicate matters.
It's normal for you to feel this way right now, Bonbon, because your life is currently out of control.
But the good news is that you can get back on a healthy path for yourself, and your kid(s).
Keep coming back and posting here. It is so helpful.
Are you attending any type of support or recovery group? If not, you should start attending Al-anon meetings, two or three nights a week is extremely helpful.
Do you have a therapist or counsellor? I saw an addictions counsellor for a while and it was tremendously helpful.
You can get back into the drivers seat of your own life, Bonbon, but in order to do so, you will have to take some actions.
(hugs and love and prayers to you and your loved ones)
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